Trying to figure out if my parter is a high functioning alcoholic/what I should do?
JRR said
Nov 2, 2016
Hello,
I was formerly married to a classic/obvious alcoholic so I know I have issues with that. My problem is, four years ago I entered a relationship with a man who is stable, treats me like a queen, hardworking, and giving to others so his drinking wasn't obvious at first. He drinks a lot but doesn't have any of the typical characteristics of any other alcoholic I've met. We have a nice home life. BUT I'm wondering if he may be a high functioning alcoholic. He doesn't hide his drinking and seems to think it's normal. He drinks in the middle of the night, in the morning and throughout the day. I have never once seen him drunk, but I am increasingly concerned about some physical symptoms he's having like pains in his limbs, constant stomach issues, and here's the worst one that I think he doesn't realize I've noticed, minor fecal incontinence. I've been reading up on physical symptoms of alcoholism and these all fit the bill and seem like some major red flags.
I am having trouble deciding if my concerns are valid, or if this is just another symptom of my tendency to find fault with others and run from relationships. There are other issues, but none having to do with alcoholism. No anger issues, he's kind and caring and always there for us. A totally stand up human in every other way. I just don't like the way this "feels". Am I crazy and is this just my tendency to blame and run? I don't want to throw anyone under the bus for my own selfish needs, but this just doesn't seem normal.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts
hotrod said
Nov 2, 2016
Hello JRR, My husbamd drank like that for many, many years.. Once when my Dad was staying over, he noticed his drinking and told me" there is something wrong with someone who drinks like that " . Being in denial, i pretended it was fine.
Then in a blink the drinking changed-- he drank around the clock, missed work, was in and out of detoxs and rehabs. This is indeed a cunning disease. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. There is hope and help
Iamhere said
Nov 2, 2016
Hello and welcome JRR to MIP. Glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so we just don't know when it will progress, how it will progress, etc. If he decides he wants recovery, AA is one way to work on it. For family and friends, there is Al-Anon.
I am sorry for the worry this brings you. I do understand and was able to find a safe place to share and get help in Al-Anon meetings. Please keep coming back.
Freetime said
Nov 2, 2016
Hello JRR, I just want to acknowledge that the red flags you are seeing are real. From my experience, living with a good person who has this disease is very painful. If you can connect with Alanon now, before things have progressed further, it should help you understand what you can do to gain serenity for yourself. Sending positive thoughts your way!
milkwood said
Nov 3, 2016
Welcome to MIP JRR,
You sound like you have some great awareness about how our own thinking can trip us up, even when things are going well. Well done on recognising your own feelings and concerns.
I imagine that someone who is drinking as your partner is might find it difficult to acknowledge any associated problems either which way. So thinking about it, planning 'what ifs' based on his drinking might not solve your discomfort. I love that line in Al Anon literature that talks about finding serenity regardless of what someone else is doing.
When my husband was having pains in his limbs etc (and mentioning them everyday) I asked him if he wanted to go to see the doctor about it. The next time he mentioned it I said that I wasn't qualified and it sounds as if something is wrong so lets go and see the doctor... Eventually he stopped mentioning them which was good for me because they were a trigger for me to over-care.
It is so easy to become hyper vigilant about things we can't control and as a consequence I ignored, or even inflated, my own feelings. I found that learning to ease my own anxiety in any way that I could was really helpful.
-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 3rd of November 2016 05:44:57 AM
JRR said
Nov 3, 2016
Thank you all for your kind replies. My problem is not that I'm over-caring. I have a tendency to retreat completely. I have found that even with all my partner's caring qualities, I find myself wanting to be alone a lot because I find his "energy" chaotic, and because we both work from home, I would get no alone time otherwise. I recently read an article about the adult children of addicts (which I am) and it said that a common coping mechanism is to retreat into solitude/problems with intimacy. I have done that with all of my relationships and it's definitely a problematic issue so I assumed my doing it in this relationship was solely my fault and not my partners.
I have been actively working on healing myself for several years now. I meditate almost every single day and I have come really far emotionally. My partner is a healer (a kind of physical therapist) in our community and he is a REALLY good one. He has healed people who got no help from doctors and several of his clients are doctors themselves. He is well loved in our community by many people. I've never met anyone like him and he is passionate about helping others. He has helped me incredibly in my own spiritual growth and I've never met a person more giving. I think this is why it has taken me so long to admit to myself that there is a problem. How can someone who has the ability to change so many other people's lives for the better be so messed up themselves? I might be over-analyzing here, but I think it's how he avoids himself.
For a while now, I've found myself angry and frustrated with him. He's a food hoarder (I think he often went hungry as a child) and UNBELIEVABLY messy. But then I always feel like an ungrateful B**** for being angry. But I'm beginning to accept it's not just me, and the more I research, the less crazy I'm beginning to feel. And I'm admitting to myself that my anger is just a way of avoiding the real issue. I just don't know what to do. The way I'm feeling right now is I really want to face this, I don't want to keep functioning like this, but we live in a small city with a lot of gossipers, ESPECIALLY within our spiritual community. I'm afraid people will know me at al-anon. Since this is an issue I dealt with in childhood maybe I could just talk about that? I don't know. I don't want anyone to think badly of my partner and I don't want our issues aired out around town.
I also want to re-state that he is the weirdest drinker I've ever seen. He's very picky about what he drinks. He only drinks really expensive beer, and I've noticed sometimes he drinks a glass of port late at night. He never ever goes to bars, he hates them. Last night we went to a fancy restaurant that brought a wine pairing with each course, and he barely touched them. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel confused. But then he goes to bed with a full glass of beer on his nightstand and it's gone by morning. BUT I've never seen him drunk. Not once. But of course that could be due to tolerance because though some days he drinks more than others, I've never seen him go a single day without drinking. His excuse is he hates water, and because he's a history buff and knows the history of beer, he says beer is food. Ugh.
Thank you for listening. Not being able to talk to anyone about this has been hard.
JRR said
Nov 3, 2016
P.S. My partner has been to the doctor about his pain and never gets any help other than pain meds. They always say it's a mystery but I'm sure he never tells them about his drinking. I'm not a doctor so I could be wrong about the source of his physical problems but when I research alcoholism symptoms and read accounts of other people, it sure sounds familiar...
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2016
Hi RR It certainly does sound as if you are "aware' and are actively focusing on healing yourself. Alanon's basic priniciple states that we are an "anonymous program" and who you see in the meeting and what is said in the meeting remains n the meetings. I understand your concerns so that we do have on line meetings here in the chat room 2xs a day That could be a start.
Here is the schedule
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
JRR said
Nov 3, 2016
That might be a good start. Thank you. I don't know how aware I am, I just know I want to move forward. I feel like I've been venting here a bit. Thanks once again for listening :)
Iamhere said
Nov 3, 2016
JRR - meetings were very frightening for me in the beginning but so very helpful. Before I got into the program, I would sit and wonder why things were the way they were. Wondering where I went wrong, where they went wrong, primarily focused on all that was yucky around me - obsessed at times!
The meetings really made me realize I was not alone nor was I crazy. As others shared their experiences, I felt better about my sanity/life. As they shared their hope and experiences, I really wanted to have a different life/way of seeing and doing things. Today, I can say that I am so very grateful I made the decision to go....it's been life-changing.
Through recovery, I've been able to repair relationships with family that were broken/not existent. I've been able to accept others as they are, and find my way to live with joy and peace no matter what others are/are not doing. I stopped worrying about perfection and instead just stayed in the present. I am pleased as punch that I was able to surrender and own my powerlessness. It gave me freedom I didn't know was possible.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Hello,
I was formerly married to a classic/obvious alcoholic so I know I have issues with that. My problem is, four years ago I entered a relationship with a man who is stable, treats me like a queen, hardworking, and giving to others so his drinking wasn't obvious at first. He drinks a lot but doesn't have any of the typical characteristics of any other alcoholic I've met. We have a nice home life. BUT I'm wondering if he may be a high functioning alcoholic. He doesn't hide his drinking and seems to think it's normal. He drinks in the middle of the night, in the morning and throughout the day. I have never once seen him drunk, but I am increasingly concerned about some physical symptoms he's having like pains in his limbs, constant stomach issues, and here's the worst one that I think he doesn't realize I've noticed, minor fecal incontinence. I've been reading up on physical symptoms of alcoholism and these all fit the bill and seem like some major red flags.
I am having trouble deciding if my concerns are valid, or if this is just another symptom of my tendency to find fault with others and run from relationships. There are other issues, but none having to do with alcoholism. No anger issues, he's kind and caring and always there for us. A totally stand up human in every other way. I just don't like the way this "feels". Am I crazy and is this just my tendency to blame and run? I don't want to throw anyone under the bus for my own selfish needs, but this just doesn't seem normal.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts
Then in a blink the drinking changed-- he drank around the clock, missed work, was in and out of detoxs and rehabs. This is indeed a cunning disease. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. There is hope and help
I am sorry for the worry this brings you. I do understand and was able to find a safe place to share and get help in Al-Anon meetings. Please keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP JRR,
You sound like you have some great awareness about how our own thinking can trip us up, even when things are going well. Well done on recognising your own feelings and concerns.
I imagine that someone who is drinking as your partner is might find it difficult to acknowledge any associated problems either which way. So thinking about it, planning 'what ifs' based on his drinking might not solve your discomfort. I love that line in Al Anon literature that talks about finding serenity regardless of what someone else is doing.
When my husband was having pains in his limbs etc (and mentioning them everyday) I asked him if he wanted to go to see the doctor about it. The next time he mentioned it I said that I wasn't qualified and it sounds as if something is wrong so lets go and see the doctor... Eventually he stopped mentioning them which was good for me because they were a trigger for me to over-care.
It is so easy to become hyper vigilant about things we can't control and as a consequence I ignored, or even inflated, my own feelings. I found that learning to ease my own anxiety in any way that I could was really helpful.
-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 3rd of November 2016 05:44:57 AM
I have been actively working on healing myself for several years now. I meditate almost every single day and I have come really far emotionally. My partner is a healer (a kind of physical therapist) in our community and he is a REALLY good one. He has healed people who got no help from doctors and several of his clients are doctors themselves. He is well loved in our community by many people. I've never met anyone like him and he is passionate about helping others. He has helped me incredibly in my own spiritual growth and I've never met a person more giving. I think this is why it has taken me so long to admit to myself that there is a problem. How can someone who has the ability to change so many other people's lives for the better be so messed up themselves? I might be over-analyzing here, but I think it's how he avoids himself.
For a while now, I've found myself angry and frustrated with him. He's a food hoarder (I think he often went hungry as a child) and UNBELIEVABLY messy. But then I always feel like an ungrateful B**** for being angry. But I'm beginning to accept it's not just me, and the more I research, the less crazy I'm beginning to feel. And I'm admitting to myself that my anger is just a way of avoiding the real issue. I just don't know what to do. The way I'm feeling right now is I really want to face this, I don't want to keep functioning like this, but we live in a small city with a lot of gossipers, ESPECIALLY within our spiritual community. I'm afraid people will know me at al-anon. Since this is an issue I dealt with in childhood maybe I could just talk about that? I don't know. I don't want anyone to think badly of my partner and I don't want our issues aired out around town.
I also want to re-state that he is the weirdest drinker I've ever seen. He's very picky about what he drinks. He only drinks really expensive beer, and I've noticed sometimes he drinks a glass of port late at night. He never ever goes to bars, he hates them. Last night we went to a fancy restaurant that brought a wine pairing with each course, and he barely touched them. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel confused. But then he goes to bed with a full glass of beer on his nightstand and it's gone by morning. BUT I've never seen him drunk. Not once. But of course that could be due to tolerance because though some days he drinks more than others, I've never seen him go a single day without drinking. His excuse is he hates water, and because he's a history buff and knows the history of beer, he says beer is food. Ugh.
Thank you for listening. Not being able to talk to anyone about this has been hard.
Hi RR It certainly does sound as if you are "aware' and are actively focusing on healing yourself. Alanon's basic priniciple states that we are an "anonymous program" and who you see in the meeting and what is said in the meeting remains n the meetings. I understand your concerns so that we do have on line meetings here in the chat room 2xs a day That could be a start.
Here is the schedule
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
The meetings really made me realize I was not alone nor was I crazy. As others shared their experiences, I felt better about my sanity/life. As they shared their hope and experiences, I really wanted to have a different life/way of seeing and doing things. Today, I can say that I am so very grateful I made the decision to go....it's been life-changing.
Through recovery, I've been able to repair relationships with family that were broken/not existent. I've been able to accept others as they are, and find my way to live with joy and peace no matter what others are/are not doing. I stopped worrying about perfection and instead just stayed in the present. I am pleased as punch that I was able to surrender and own my powerlessness. It gave me freedom I didn't know was possible.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!