My mother has been in AA for approx 33 years and has never made DIRECT amends to me or my siblings that I am aware of. I confronted her once about it and she said "I didn't think I owed you amends"....are you frigging kidding me? So later about a week she says "I guess I probably do I guess" and I said, no forget it. WHATEVER she was going to say would be lame. The time she has been sober has gone to her head....very self righteous and judgemental. Dysfunction in our family is masked by the amountil if meetings they attend....sick stuff.
sarahGee said
Nov 1, 2016
My mother is an alcoholic as well. I've learned through Al Anon and my step work that having any expectations of an alcoholic will only hurt me in the end.
You're not alone.
-- Edited by sarahGee on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 12:09:43 PM
Sportgear said
Nov 1, 2016
Agree, she now has lost 2 children, a granddaughter and a daughter in law over her sobriety....hmmmm
Fooled said
Nov 1, 2016
I agree with SarahGee
Jerry F said
Nov 1, 2016
Sportsgear are you a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and have you availed yourself of all of the tools the program has for those who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using? The hotline number to your local conference is in the white pages of your local telephone book and usually not very far away. I suggest you call and go as soon as you are able and keep coming back here to let us know how you are getting along. (((((hugs)))))
el-cee said
Nov 1, 2016
I know for me I'm making living amends to my kids. My attitude has changed dramatically. When I do make direct amends I hate to tell you but it's about me. It's about me growing admitting facing up. All about me. It's not about pacifying anyone's long held grudge. Even our own kids have no right to sit in judgement of us. If my direct amends aren't good enough then so be it. That's on then to decide. I still get to grow from letting go of guilt and having a life that's free of past mistakes. I feel a bit for your parents. What exactly do you want from them? They are human will always make mistakes just like you.
Iamhere said
Nov 1, 2016
I too encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings and attend. It seems as if the disease of alcoholism has caused you pain and anger. In recovery, we have many tools to process our emotions and to heal/deal with the affects of the disease. There is hope and help in recovery.
We do learn in Al-Anon that most of our personal disappointment in life has to do with expectations. Expecting others to be what they don't want to be or the way they can't be isn't about them. It's more about us. Keep coming back!
pinkchip said
Nov 1, 2016
I wrote about this not long ago. There are lots of people in and out of AA I think should apologize to me. But they don't and thinking about it too much just pisses me off and makes me sick as I think they are.
a4l said
Nov 2, 2016
I can relate to dysfunction. Its just who they are. I can't even stand to talk to my parents these days because it drives me batshit crazy. I don't know if it's all alcoholic families but both of mine need to enforce their views on their children. Non compliance equals abuse, disowning, name calling, outside drama stories about how evil their kids are and bla bla bla. Don't hold your breath waiting for that apology. Focus on the good if there is some and you have to have them. Good luck brother!
Sportgear said
Nov 2, 2016
I gave up on thinking my Mother would ever make DIRECT amends to me. WHAT pissed me off is the ivory Tower she has built around herself and judges her kids as if she has earned the right by being sober so long.
Iamhere said
Nov 2, 2016
Sportgear - your post was duplicated. I deleted the second one.
Bethany66 said
Nov 2, 2016
I have to realize that just because I am at the place in my journey where I am willing to accept an amends, does not necessarily mean the offensive person is at a place in their journey where they are ready/willing/able to provide it.
It is far less painful for me to not obsess about past wrongs and to instead find the beauty in this present moment.
Sportgear said
Nov 2, 2016
Did I fail to mention the wrongs inflicted are continuing to this day but now with use of AA and Alanon as her reason to inflit pain? Well I should just move on and accept it blah blah blah
PatG1025 said
Nov 2, 2016
Unfortunately, the recovery world being full of recovering persons on different stages of recovery and in different levels of spiritual awakenings, I can't expect anything from anyone. My job is to get comfortable and truthful to me about me, and to be of service to others.
Sportgear said
Nov 2, 2016
I agree, being of service to others really should involve working through issues with family and not using detachment to avoid issues. I find detaching in my family means to inflict pain on others expecting them to change....sick
SerenityRUS said
Nov 2, 2016
My mom is not an A however not the parent I felt I deserved .. She did parent the best she could with given tools. I spent a lot of money trying to make her rewrite my childhood so my present outcome was different .. That was a lot of wasted energy on my part .. Money as well lol. It's unrealistic for me to demand an apology from someone who honestly doesn't see the part they played in the dysfunction that was my childhood. Not to mention she honestly doesn't see things the way I do about my childhood. She believes still I'm the problem because I complicate everything. Maybe I do .. I haven't sorted that out .. What I do know is her approval of who I am is no longer required. I would love an apology from my xah and the hell he put the kids and I through. My kids deserve that apology even more so than I do from him. Will they ever get it?? Probably no. He also doesn't see an issue with his behavior past or present. So they will have to learn to see him where he is at and accept the apology they will never hear for their own sake. That doesn't mean they have to tolerate bad behavior from him either. Best of luck in your healing effort. Hugs s ;)
Sportgear said
Nov 2, 2016
Thanks SRus, I am sorry your kids will not feel that support we all need in life beginning with our parents. Hopefully your ex will find a need to make that DIRECT amends and not in a selfish way. By the way, where does it say that a living amends will do? Does AA or Alanon teach that?
Iamhere said
Nov 2, 2016
Yes. AA & Al-Anon both discuss and suggest living amends if/as wanted/desired. The amends process is for the person in recovery, not for the person who wants an amends. This might help you - http://newlifehouse.com/making-living-amends-12-step-recovery/
In theory, the first answer to your original post should have been, "No - we learn in Al-Anon that expectations lead to resentments."
No imperfect person living in an imperfect world will make any of us happy. Happiness, forgiveness and healing come from the heart, not outside ourselves. This is not program speak, just my own experience.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 2, 2016
Living amends for me is the way to go .. Change the behavior is a far better way to show someone I have changed than telling them. It's because doing a direct amends in specific cases would cause ME (I get counted on that list of doing more harm as well) more harm than good. My xah is a "practicing Christian" .. My children hear about all the good he's doing for "under privilege" children through his church. This is when he texts them. Umm .. I habe been below poverty level for 4 of the 5 years we have been apart .. Hee doesn't see that as his problem. He's 20k in debt to me. They get the bare minimum in regards to extra funding .. He has no concept of the financial harm he has caused me which then hurts the kids. Why would any of us believe him when it comes to him making attempts at contact? .. He physically has not spoken to the kids since April of this year. If he were to come and say he was sorry for blah blah .. How long would it take for us all to believe the changes had happened. A very very long time .. I completely understand your frustration, anger and resentment on the parental side .. I have zero contract with my dad and limited with my mom. Honestly I'm ok with that because I set what I can process. I set what my boundaries are. I have no expectations of anything when out comes to the relationship with the kids or even me. I think it's easier than trying to force someone into a role they aren't going to play to my satisfaction. I truly hope you will stick around take what you like leave what you don't like and figure out what forgiveness means to you. Hugs s :)
maryjane said
Nov 2, 2016
Sportgear,
I have read through all your others posts as well as this so I think I know where you are coming from. I have seen "the program/the 12 steps" used as a club and manipulation. Remember, you are dealing with sick people and not all of them recover. They are all in some stage of recovery... and that stands for those in AA and in AlAnon. We have all been hurt.
I, too, wanted "amends" from my AH when he started AA. After a few years, after I was really pissed for not getting any, I started to think of what I would say if I ever heard the words "I'm sorry". None of the things going through my head at the time were coming from the person that I knew I was. I was so disappointed in him and his sobriety. I had the expectations that he would again be the man I married in 1971. That was my fault. I had my ideas of what he should be. And there was nothing in my power to make him that way. Oh, and by the way, it has been 16 years and neither I nor any of our 4 daughters has ever heard an "I'm sorry" from him. He was talking once about some other guy he was sponsoring and he brought up the idea of living amends, but he wasn't talking about his own family except tangentally. I didn't comment in any way to him. I, personally, don't think he should get kudos for being/doing what decent human beings are/do. The rest of us do it automatically.
I understand the disappointment you have with your parents. I don't blame you a bit for feeling the way you do. However, you have to stop knocking your head against that brick wall. It is only giving you pain. Your dad is dead and his HP will sort that one out. Your mom is stuck in her ways and she will never quit being who she is. You are powerless. You do mention that Christmas will be split in your family. Maybe your way to make you happiest is to start a new tradition. You have to decide if you want to detach from that part of your family. You are powerless over them. They are powerless over you.
Please take care of yourself.
Lucy125 said
Nov 2, 2016
Should you get an apology? Yes. Are you going to get one, probably not. I did not get an apology from any of the people in my life. I am trying to turn that over to God.
a4l said
Nov 2, 2016
Serenity I like that post about viewpoints. Its very true. If I don't see something I can't be sorry about it. Nor can I expect it of others. Thanks.
Sportsgear, There's some good and incredibly patient people here. Who are somehow able to both accept they can't change others yet still manage to have relationships with those same unchangeable people. I'm not there anymore in terms of family. Too long a relationship. And thanks to this programme I'm OK with that. Don't be robbed of personal growth by staying stuck in your predetermined family role. Read some literature. Google acoa. Make up your own mind. Wish you all the best.
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
Thanks to everyone givin me insight. I moved away from my extended family a year or so ago....I couldn't be around them anymore. We (my family) really needed them at a time we were having teenager issues but their solutions were always about drinking or not drinking. ITs like they were single minded and extremely judgemental. We had to get far away and set boundaries for them....although they set boundaries on me many years ago. They scapegoat me when things get uncomfortable and they really believe their program shelters them from blame. AT this point I am still angry and cannot let it go completely though I have very little hope that I will ever see them again. Its very difficult to move on from loved ones.
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2016
((Sportgear)) I agree," Letting go "of family is very difficult. I am pleased that you had an open mind and did obtain some insights from the Message Board . Please do keep coming back and connecting as there is help and hope.
Positive thoughts on the way
Lucy125 said
Nov 3, 2016
part of my getting well from anxiety was to learn that my parents did the best they could. I began to congratulate them for the things they did right and forget about the things they could have done better. Sometimes, they just didn't have what I needed. They had problems and were unfortunately unable to get the help they needed. Esp. my mom. She's 90 and still has OCD. I sent her to a psychologist years ago, but it did not work. The psychologist was unable to help her because she could not tell the truth.
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
My family has not done the best they could because they fall back on detachment as a tool to avoid confrontation. Confrontation is just an aspect of lifeatures but Alanon makes you believe you are right, the other non meeting goer is always wrong so isolate from them....in my cas they ostracized my family over assumptions that were entirely wrong.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 3, 2016
Sports .. Hugs .. I don't agree with that statement that I'm always right because I'm in program. That's not what I have learned .. I have learned how to be an adult. How to accept responsibility for my failings. How too celebrate my success and not feel guilty. And I fail daily lol So success is sweet. Now my mom is of that mind set that I don't feel I have done anything wrong and above reproach. Again not true . I don't put up with emotional blackmail and she's frustrated by that change in me. So that's her push back of her wanting me to change back. That old self no longer works for me. Keep coming back to your own awareness and your own healing. Hugs. ;)
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
If you look.at most of the posts about detachment it's assumed the other person is the problem so you have to detach.....what if the problem is not them? In my case my family assumed me wrong but they don't have the facts and assumed the problem was alcohol and it was not. EVERYTHING to them is blamed on drinking.
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2016
Sportgear, I found that detachment was a powerful tool in interacting with everyone in the world. I define detachment as minding my own business, and allowing others to live their lives without my interference or trying to fix them. Prior to program, I felt everyone else's feelings( I was so atached) and so I tried to fix them so i would feel better.
Jumping to conclusions and judging another is completely against program principles because the alanon program is all about keeping the focus on ourselves and working to let go of our desructive attitudes. Detaching helps me to do that.
In other words using detachment helps me to have an open mind and be more objective.
el-cee said
Nov 3, 2016
I must admit I blame everything that went wrong with my family on alcoholism, not the alcoholic. I did blame the alcoholic for everything for almost 20 yrs. Then I learned that alcoholism is a family disease and so we were all effected, then I learned to look at myself and I got to see all my own shortcomings that were most likely coping mechanisms that had gone crazy. I was full of blame, criticism, anger, resentment and most of it was aimed at the alcoholic.
I didnt know i could take responsibility for myself and thats what detaching gave me, a seperate view of me, seperate from my loved ones. So if they were angry or bitter or showing any of the symptoms of alcoholism I dont have to take responsibility for how they feel or act. I am a seperate person and to be honest if you are in your fifties??, dont you think it could do you good to forgive your parents, not for them but for you. They dont really owe you anything surely, I mean my kids are in their twenties, adults and I don't feel I owe them anything really, im not living my life for them thats for sure. I love them and im in their life but its not my job to make them happy or fix out their problems or take the blame for any of their choices. I know some of where I went wrong during their childhood and Im working on making those direct amends. Im making living amends and for me that means Ive stopped harming them, I dont judge them control them, disapprove of their choices nor approve. I love them appropriately, for who they are now, or thats my goal. I have a right to a good life and Ive got the right to make choices about who I spend time with and if its people who help0 make my life better then thats what I do. The drinker in my life I have found I can actually still enjoy their company and love them but I cant be within the chaos of alcoholism for too long, it makes me sick, ie my own isms surface and i lose my serenity and peace of mind.
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
First of all I was blocked in the other thread so I couldn't answe your question....I am not picking fights, I responded to self righteousness and personal attacks. As for detachment, I don't think you are getting my point. Detaching can hurt others, especially family so when you do it the other person should be considered....I don't see that happening.
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
From here I am out....I appreciate you who ate open minded, I found my answers on the group thought process and understand my frustration and why it is I don't get this kind of thinking. Take care all. This is not for me, I am an individual with my own thoughts that have been very successful for me in life. MY family is very brainwashed and militant program people....its sad state. My mother will not be seeing us again due to detachment, her choice but I see where it comes from. Sick stuff.
Iamhere said
Nov 3, 2016
This thread will also be closed if we can not discuss the related topic. Amends making.
Sportgear - there has not been any personal attacks against you. As a moderator, I would apply the same courtesy to you as any other member.
It is your opinion that detaching hurts others. It is the opinion of members and the program that detachment protects our sanity. Detaching is recommended in recovery from anyone, anything that can affect forward growth and progress.
This thread is about amends. The program view on amends has been shared. You disagree. Perfectly acceptable - no two people have identical value systems.
The topic is amends. Any posts beyond that will be edited and the thread will be closed.
Thank you.
2HP said
Nov 3, 2016
I sympathize with your suffering ((Sportgear)) and I relate to you. from where I sit, some of your suffering may be caused by the thought you keep repeating over and over, "my family is torn forever." "permanently," you say.
This is a very painful thought, my friend. I know that when I think thoughts like this, I can barely function.
But it is just a thought. Thoughts are NOT facts and yet they produce emotions that follow. I can see you are very angry and I understand because my family is torn as well.
But you and I simply cannot KNOW that our families will look like this "forever." The truth is our families look like this JUST FOR TODAY.
Another painful thought is families SHOULD love each other... SHOULD get along.. ..SHOULD apologize.... SHOULD forgive... these thoughts are simply untrue. I know they are untrue because it is not happening. If my thoughts were true it would be happening. I have learned to question my thoughts and to stop believing everything I think.
A few years ago, my daughter detached completely from my son, she kept saying she NEVER wanted to speak to him again, she would NEVER forgive him. It went on for years. Life went on, things changed, and suddenly my son wanted to bury the hatchet. Yet he could not get her to forgive him. He was very upset about the situation. Finally he just decided to act "as if" she was still in his life. He began texting her and leaving voicemails even though she was not replying at first, he was "powerless" to get her to respond. But he did have the power to take care of himself and "act as if." Finally she did respond and today I am pleased to say that they are close again.
I have siblings.. many do not speak to one another today. I am powerless to get everyone to get along. Alcoholism is so destructive to relationships, it is too much for most of us. I personally used DETACHMENT as a way to put myself at the top of the list of "WHO NEEDS CARE."
From the looks of it, YOU have done this too. I see you have detached from your family as well.
So it appears that everyone in your family is detaching... which for an alcoholic family looks about right to me, looks exactly like my family too .. JUST FOR TODAY.
I also have military personnel in my family and know how difficult it is for them to enter back into civilian life, so far it has NOT been possible. Dealing with their PTSD... coming home to a country that appears to care less...and a family who has had their fill of the anxiety... It is very difficult for everyone.
At some point, I embraced the philosophy that we are all on separate journeys in this life, a journey to Higher Power. We are EACH responsible for how we do that as individuals. Recovery programs attempt to assist us on that journey. such programs are only made up of imperfect human beings trying their best... hopefully to get to Higher Power....
Our fellowship is not unlike some families or even churches which produce "spiritual pride" among members.... recovering can feel like finally "becoming somebody," part of having to prove we are "special" because we so desperately want to believe that we are... which is a spiritual failure our part but we didn't know what we didn't know. Good or naughty, we're all God's "kids." We are not saints. just everyone doing the best they can, all in a constant state of constant change....
and for that reason, you and I can remain ever HOPEFUL about our families... using this time to just watch ourselves and where we are expecting perfection. because only God is truly perfect. only God can heal our woundedness. God can fail in nothing. that is an amend (which is "a change") that we, ourselves, can make.
As you know, our fellowship is for anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking. We aren't perfect. this both frustrates me and relieves me because...... I'm not perfect either.
(((peace))) to you my friend
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 3rd of November 2016 12:29:12 PM
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
Wow!!!! I wasn't going to reply again but have to. You understand exactly how I feel about it and your take on this helps tremendously...THANK YOU!!!! By the way, you probably already know but I am the brother who came home after 35 years, I had 10 yrs sobriety at the time, my daughter went through something I can never tell my family. It was devastating. My family blamed me for what was happening with her because I was angry about her behavior and the toll it was taking on me. My dad said everything that happens to her is my fault. THAT was the last time I ever spoke to him, didn't attend h I s funeral because my family wouldnt allow me to see him in hospice. ALL of them are in AA Alanon or both for years. THEY used detachment as a means to keep me from being there.. . I drank again moved my family away to protect my daughter from humiliation and get away from them. I have not seen any of them or talked to them for months. I tried to reach out but denied. MOVING on....I too have PTSD but not from the military, from childhood abuse. So there you have it. If I seemed abrasive, sorry to all affected.
el-cee said
Nov 3, 2016
That was powerful esh 2hp. It helped me. Sportsgear I hadn't realised you were the brother. I do hope you give the program a go. It's good for my own growth to get different perspectives.
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
There is so much more to this story.....when I came home my sister could not even make time to have a coffee and talk, she said I could meet her after her meeting. My parents couldn't make time to be with my family due to their meetings etc. Then when I brought up the family being indifferent to me my Father said "we didn't have any drama till you came home".....that was devastating....I started fighting back from there and eventually left a year and a half ago. NO one reached out since.
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2016
If you truly want a loving relationship with your family,and can let go of the anger from the past then why not: "let it begin with you" and reach out to them .?
Sportgear said
Nov 3, 2016
I have already reached out twice, rejected twice.
hotrod said
Nov 3, 2016
I am so sorry Sportgear. Positive thoughts on the way
My mother is an alcoholic as well.
I've learned through Al Anon and my step work that having any expectations of an alcoholic will only hurt me in the end.
You're not alone.
-- Edited by sarahGee on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 12:09:43 PM
Sportsgear are you a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and have you availed yourself of all of the tools the program has for those who have been affected by someone else's drinking and using? The hotline number to your local conference is in the white pages of your local telephone book and usually not very far away. I suggest you call and go as soon as you are able and keep coming back here to let us know how you are getting along. (((((hugs)))))
We do learn in Al-Anon that most of our personal disappointment in life has to do with expectations. Expecting others to be what they don't want to be or the way they can't be isn't about them. It's more about us. Keep coming back!
It is far less painful for me to not obsess about past wrongs and to instead find the beauty in this present moment.
Yes. AA & Al-Anon both discuss and suggest living amends if/as wanted/desired. The amends process is for the person in recovery, not for the person who wants an amends. This might help you - http://newlifehouse.com/making-living-amends-12-step-recovery/
In theory, the first answer to your original post should have been, "No - we learn in Al-Anon that expectations lead to resentments."
No imperfect person living in an imperfect world will make any of us happy. Happiness, forgiveness and healing come from the heart, not outside ourselves. This is not program speak, just my own experience.
I have read through all your others posts as well as this so I think I know where you are coming from. I have seen "the program/the 12 steps" used as a club and manipulation. Remember, you are dealing with sick people and not all of them recover. They are all in some stage of recovery... and that stands for those in AA and in AlAnon. We have all been hurt.
I, too, wanted "amends" from my AH when he started AA. After a few years, after I was really pissed for not getting any, I started to think of what I would say if I ever heard the words "I'm sorry". None of the things going through my head at the time were coming from the person that I knew I was. I was so disappointed in him and his sobriety. I had the expectations that he would again be the man I married in 1971. That was my fault. I had my ideas of what he should be. And there was nothing in my power to make him that way. Oh, and by the way, it has been 16 years and neither I nor any of our 4 daughters has ever heard an "I'm sorry" from him. He was talking once about some other guy he was sponsoring and he brought up the idea of living amends, but he wasn't talking about his own family except tangentally. I didn't comment in any way to him. I, personally, don't think he should get kudos for being/doing what decent human beings are/do. The rest of us do it automatically.
I understand the disappointment you have with your parents. I don't blame you a bit for feeling the way you do. However, you have to stop knocking your head against that brick wall. It is only giving you pain. Your dad is dead and his HP will sort that one out. Your mom is stuck in her ways and she will never quit being who she is. You are powerless. You do mention that Christmas will be split in your family. Maybe your way to make you happiest is to start a new tradition. You have to decide if you want to detach from that part of your family. You are powerless over them. They are powerless over you.
Please take care of yourself.
Should you get an apology? Yes. Are you going to get one, probably not. I did not get an apology from any of the people in my life. I am trying to turn that over to God.
((Sportgear)) I agree," Letting go "of family is very difficult. I am pleased that you had an open mind and did obtain some insights from the Message Board . Please do keep coming back and connecting as there is help and hope.
Positive thoughts on the way
part of my getting well from anxiety was to learn that my parents did the best they could. I began to congratulate them for the things they did right and forget about the things they could have done better. Sometimes, they just didn't have what I needed. They had problems and were unfortunately unable to get the help they needed. Esp. my mom. She's 90 and still has OCD. I sent her to a psychologist years ago, but it did not work. The psychologist was unable to help her because she could not tell the truth.
Sportgear, I found that detachment was a powerful tool in interacting with everyone in the world. I define detachment as minding my own business, and allowing others to live their lives without my interference or trying to fix them. Prior to program, I felt everyone else's feelings( I was so atached) and so I tried to fix them so i would feel better.
Jumping to conclusions and judging another is completely against program principles because the alanon program is all about keeping the focus on ourselves and working to let go of our desructive attitudes. Detaching helps me to do that.
In other words using detachment helps me to have an open mind and be more objective.
I didnt know i could take responsibility for myself and thats what detaching gave me, a seperate view of me, seperate from my loved ones. So if they were angry or bitter or showing any of the symptoms of alcoholism I dont have to take responsibility for how they feel or act. I am a seperate person and to be honest if you are in your fifties??, dont you think it could do you good to forgive your parents, not for them but for you. They dont really owe you anything surely, I mean my kids are in their twenties, adults and I don't feel I owe them anything really, im not living my life for them thats for sure. I love them and im in their life but its not my job to make them happy or fix out their problems or take the blame for any of their choices. I know some of where I went wrong during their childhood and Im working on making those direct amends. Im making living amends and for me that means Ive stopped harming them, I dont judge them control them, disapprove of their choices nor approve. I love them appropriately, for who they are now, or thats my goal. I have a right to a good life and Ive got the right to make choices about who I spend time with and if its people who help0 make my life better then thats what I do. The drinker in my life I have found I can actually still enjoy their company and love them but I cant be within the chaos of alcoholism for too long, it makes me sick, ie my own isms surface and i lose my serenity and peace of mind.
Sportgear - there has not been any personal attacks against you. As a moderator, I would apply the same courtesy to you as any other member.
It is your opinion that detaching hurts others. It is the opinion of members and the program that detachment protects our sanity. Detaching is recommended in recovery from anyone, anything that can affect forward growth and progress.
This thread is about amends. The program view on amends has been shared. You disagree. Perfectly acceptable - no two people have identical value systems.
The topic is amends. Any posts beyond that will be edited and the thread will be closed.
Thank you.
I sympathize with your suffering ((Sportgear)) and I relate to you. from where I sit, some of your suffering may be caused by the thought you keep repeating over and over, "my family is torn forever." "permanently," you say.
This is a very painful thought, my friend. I know that when I think thoughts like this, I can barely function.
But it is just a thought. Thoughts are NOT facts and yet they produce emotions that follow. I can see you are very angry and I understand because my family is torn as well.
But you and I simply cannot KNOW that our families will look like this "forever." The truth is our families look like this JUST FOR TODAY.
Another painful thought is families SHOULD love each other... SHOULD get along.. ..SHOULD apologize.... SHOULD forgive... these thoughts are simply untrue. I know they are untrue because it is not happening. If my thoughts were true it would be happening. I have learned to question my thoughts and to stop believing everything I think.
A few years ago, my daughter detached completely from my son, she kept saying she NEVER wanted to speak to him again, she would NEVER forgive him. It went on for years. Life went on, things changed, and suddenly my son wanted to bury the hatchet. Yet he could not get her to forgive him. He was very upset about the situation. Finally he just decided to act "as if" she was still in his life. He began texting her and leaving voicemails even though she was not replying at first, he was "powerless" to get her to respond. But he did have the power to take care of himself and "act as if." Finally she did respond and today I am pleased to say that they are close again.
I have siblings.. many do not speak to one another today. I am powerless to get everyone to get along. Alcoholism is so destructive to relationships, it is too much for most of us. I personally used DETACHMENT as a way to put myself at the top of the list of "WHO NEEDS CARE."
From the looks of it, YOU have done this too. I see you have detached from your family as well.
So it appears that everyone in your family is detaching... which for an alcoholic family looks about right to me, looks exactly like my family too .. JUST FOR TODAY.
I also have military personnel in my family and know how difficult it is for them to enter back into civilian life, so far it has NOT been possible. Dealing with their PTSD... coming home to a country that appears to care less...and a family who has had their fill of the anxiety... It is very difficult for everyone.
At some point, I embraced the philosophy that we are all on separate journeys in this life, a journey to Higher Power. We are EACH responsible for how we do that as individuals. Recovery programs attempt to assist us on that journey. such programs are only made up of imperfect human beings trying their best... hopefully to get to Higher Power....
Our fellowship is not unlike some families or even churches which produce "spiritual pride" among members.... recovering can feel like finally "becoming somebody," part of having to prove we are "special" because we so desperately want to believe that we are... which is a spiritual failure our part but we didn't know what we didn't know. Good or naughty, we're all God's "kids." We are not saints. just everyone doing the best they can, all in a constant state of constant change....
and for that reason, you and I can remain ever HOPEFUL about our families... using this time to just watch ourselves and where we are expecting perfection. because only God is truly perfect. only God can heal our woundedness. God can fail in nothing. that is an amend (which is "a change") that we, ourselves, can make.
As you know, our fellowship is for anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking. We aren't perfect. this both frustrates me and relieves me because...... I'm not perfect either.
(((peace))) to you my friend
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 3rd of November 2016 12:29:12 PM