So, for the most part things have been going well. My AH is on medication for his alcoholism, anxiety, and depression, and has been sober since April. I have one, small, stupid thing that I'm struggling with. We have separate bedrooms (completely unrelated to any of this), and he used to keep the booze in his closet. I've snooped several times (I know, I know, trying to stop that), and have found nothing. The thing that makes me want to check is so stupid...I can hear the closet door open and shut. It's absurd. There are no bottles in there, and he has to go into there for normal reasons like, ya know, getting dressed.
I think this is kind of the last line of defense. The walls I've built up are coming down as trust is being rebuilt, and I think that might be why I'm struggling with it so much. But every time I heard that door I can clearly see him swigging out of a bottle. While I'm 98% sure that he's not, there's that niggling 2% worry that he's somehow taking little drinks here and there or after I go to bed without going full blown A. Which I don't really think is possible, which makes this whole thing even more absurd. Any suggestions on how to let this go?
hotrod said
Oct 30, 2016
((Spider)) I am happy that things are gong well. Living with this disease,we do develop many negative, destructive responses to protect ourselves, This sounds like one of them. Working the Steps 4 through 7 especially 6 should help you to let go of this negative tool and replace it with a positive slogan.
Years ago, I had a similar response when I had to open the mail box. Reciting the serenity prayer just before opening it helped. Maybe you can do the same with the closet. Remember it is a process.
Jerry F said
Oct 30, 2016
Spider sometimes we find out that dealing with ourselves is harder that dealing with the alcoholic/addict. EASY DOES IT and keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Rinn said
Oct 30, 2016
I know this sounds silly. I only say it because it helped me. I created my own manta when things like that popped up. Out loud, I gave myself permission to not be perfect. I acknowledged my worry, and said I give myself permission to let this go for today.
"I give myself permission to not be perfect. I know I am worried about the noise I hear, But I give myself permission to let this go today."
Sometimes its not as overwhelming when I think of it as permission to procrastinate about figuring out my worry, or having the answer to if they are using. I just put it off for a day. Then tomorrow I will try to do it again. It get overwhelmed about thinking of it as I will never do this again. Or fixing myself all at once. But hey procrastination is easy. I do it with the laundry all the time *snicker.* So I think about it literally day by day, or hour by hour, sometimes.
I don't know if it helps. But I am glad your here. :)
maryjane said
Oct 30, 2016
You will know when you need to know.
It will all come out in the wash.
All will be revealed eventually.
Trust your HP. Trust your HP.
And keep on taking care of yourself.
Iamhere said
Oct 30, 2016
(((Spider))) - good to see you back here - great update. I'm also happy that things have gotten better with you and your qualifier. I know that at any point in time, when I am truly trying to let it go and it ain't working, I've been told to write about it, talk about it and pray about it. We often suggest in meetings a 2 week daily effort of prayer for resentments and obsessions and it does often seem to work.
So glad to hear and see all your progress! Keep working it...and keep coming back!
Mattie said
Oct 31, 2016
If he were drinking again, it would become obvious. You wouldn't need to check in the closet. They can't keep active drinking hidden for long. So you don't have to worry that "Maybe it's started and I just don't know." You would soon know. I know that hypervigilance and those reminders are our brains trying to take care of ourselves. But fortunately or not, alcoholism is never as hidden as the drinker wants it to be! So you are safe on the knowing front - you would know.
el-cee said
Oct 31, 2016
I think this is the insanity of alcoholism for us. It's torture to be obsessed and put so much weight on another persons life choices or day to day choices. Like we will die if they choose to drink. I was sick in this way too. I believed completely that his not drinking was the most important thing in my life and all would be great if I got what I wanted. So we get what we want but still can't be happy because we are not dealing with the root which is inside we are only putting a bandaid on a huge gaping wound. Your husband is sober from drink not necessarily the disease. What about you. Do you think you are sane and thinking rationally?
So, for the most part things have been going well. My AH is on medication for his alcoholism, anxiety, and depression, and has been sober since April. I have one, small, stupid thing that I'm struggling with. We have separate bedrooms (completely unrelated to any of this), and he used to keep the booze in his closet. I've snooped several times (I know, I know, trying to stop that), and have found nothing. The thing that makes me want to check is so stupid...I can hear the closet door open and shut. It's absurd. There are no bottles in there, and he has to go into there for normal reasons like, ya know, getting dressed.
I think this is kind of the last line of defense. The walls I've built up are coming down as trust is being rebuilt, and I think that might be why I'm struggling with it so much. But every time I heard that door I can clearly see him swigging out of a bottle. While I'm 98% sure that he's not, there's that niggling 2% worry that he's somehow taking little drinks here and there or after I go to bed without going full blown A. Which I don't really think is possible, which makes this whole thing even more absurd. Any suggestions on how to let this go?
Years ago, I had a similar response when I had to open the mail box. Reciting the serenity prayer just before opening it helped. Maybe you can do the same with the closet. Remember it is a process.
Spider sometimes we find out that dealing with ourselves is harder that dealing with the alcoholic/addict. EASY DOES IT and keep coming back ((((hugs))))
"I give myself permission to not be perfect. I know I am worried about the noise I hear, But I give myself permission to let this go today."
Sometimes its not as overwhelming when I think of it as permission to procrastinate about figuring out my worry, or having the answer to if they are using. I just put it off for a day. Then tomorrow I will try to do it again. It get overwhelmed about thinking of it as I will never do this again. Or fixing myself all at once. But hey procrastination is easy. I do it with the laundry all the time *snicker.* So I think about it literally day by day, or hour by hour, sometimes.
I don't know if it helps. But I am glad your here. :)
It will all come out in the wash.
All will be revealed eventually.
Trust your HP. Trust your HP.
And keep on taking care of yourself.
So glad to hear and see all your progress! Keep working it...and keep coming back!
If he were drinking again, it would become obvious. You wouldn't need to check in the closet. They can't keep active drinking hidden for long. So you don't have to worry that "Maybe it's started and I just don't know." You would soon know. I know that hypervigilance and those reminders are our brains trying to take care of ourselves. But fortunately or not, alcoholism is never as hidden as the drinker wants it to be! So you are safe on the knowing front - you would know.