I had been attending Al-Anon meetings pretty well, although I have yet to get a sponsor. (It seems like many in the meetings I have attended do not have sponsors/do not sponsor.) And I'm feeling a bit crazy tonight.
My husband has been a heavy drinker for the past 5 years. (10-15 beers and a litre of vodka every night.) Six months ago he went to an inpatient rehab program and began getting the Vivitrol Shot through a doctor. He went 45 days sober before he started "Drinking on weekends" which quickly segued back into heavy drinking. This summer he started getting what he calls "Alcohol Sick" and so he detoxed and quit drinking again. Got to 29 days sober and started drinking "on weekends" again. Which obviously, we're back to daily drinking.
I have quit nagging him. (This happened after his first relapse - when I realized it wasn't my fault, I can't control it and I just need to control myself.) I just let him do his thing and have embraced that the idea of him drinking and sitting on the couch watching horrible movies means my daughter and I can go out and do our own thing together without him. (We go to church - he hates going. We go to the library - he hates going. And on and on.)
Well, last weekend I noticed that my house had a funky smell. I can't really describe it, it's just a gross smell. (I figured it was one of the pets and on Monday - my day off - I shampooed the carpets, deep cleaned the house and the smell was gone.)
I noticed this morning the smell was back, mostly in the bedroom. Figured I would get to it on Monday (I work weekends) and just went about my day. Tonight I get home and my husband is passed out on the couch, and the living room smells that horrid smell. The bedroom however? Fine. So I have realized this smell is my husband. It's a new smell, and like I said? It's horrid.
Dr Google tells me it's likely his liver. (Of course, I only take that worth a grain of salt - and he won't go to the doctor to ask. So I'll likely not know until he is truly visibly sick.)
I'm beside myself. But I think what's worse? I feel a slight relief. Because one way or the other? If he truly is having liver problems? This will symbolize an end to this nightmare I've been living married to an alcoholic.
hotrod said
Oct 30, 2016
((HockeyMom)) This is a terrible chronic, disease over which we powerless so for your next step, I would encourage you to find an alanon meeting and attend as many as you are able each week. I might also suggest that since hubby has seen a Doctor regarding his drinking that you could suggest he return to the Dr. for follow up testing.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
2HP said
Oct 30, 2016
I so sympathize with you, alcoholism is so devastating. Betty always has the most perfect, succinct reply. But I wanted to reach out to you as well, to let you know that you inspire me because your heart seems "open" under such difficult circumstances. you are obviously working a program of recovery. Im going to keep coming back like you.
Your last sentence resonated with me as acceptance of powerlessness and the relief that comes when I stop denying reality. It's hard to take my hands off, seeing all the consequences while they cannot... the frustration of caring more about their well-being than they do. yet there is nothing I can do to change it for them. What is there to do for ourselves, but surrender to reality, or go down with them? I too am slowly beginning to feel the freedom that comes with moving on, and getting a life. Members around my recovery tables tell me that we are each on our own journey to God, that even addiction is a path to God. I have borrowed their visualization of wrapping my loved one in a blanket and lovingly handing them over to the One who has all power.
The title of your post about the "next step" looks like it may be a good time to lean on the wisdom of step two (and maybe three.) After I recognize life is feeling unmanageable, that is cue for me to "Get with God" right away. My usual practice is to go for a mindful walk in nature, this quickly brings me back to the connection again, dropping the illusion of being "alone" ....realizing once again, I can never be separated from the Dreamer who dreamed me.
Or, I can sit quietly and deeply in meditation. for me, in quietness and confidence comes strength. Meditation always helps me "come to believe" again. So whatever helps you feel your connection with God again, I would do that. sometimes by just reading our literature, a wave of calm trust washes over me.
I hope you continue to give yourself permission to take care of yourself during this difficult time. You are never alone, my friend, and I hope you enjoy this worldwide fellowship that understands and is walking with you (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 30th of October 2016 12:45:43 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 30th of October 2016 05:10:24 PM
Iamhere said
Oct 30, 2016
(((HockeyMom))) - sending you tons of support and prayers. These are the moments when I speak my truth as honestly as I can and then leave the outcome to one great than me...not always easy but certainly helpful for some peace of mind!
I'm here mostly because I'm feeling alone again.
I had been attending Al-Anon meetings pretty well, although I have yet to get a sponsor. (It seems like many in the meetings I have attended do not have sponsors/do not sponsor.) And I'm feeling a bit crazy tonight.
My husband has been a heavy drinker for the past 5 years. (10-15 beers and a litre of vodka every night.) Six months ago he went to an inpatient rehab program and began getting the Vivitrol Shot through a doctor. He went 45 days sober before he started "Drinking on weekends" which quickly segued back into heavy drinking. This summer he started getting what he calls "Alcohol Sick" and so he detoxed and quit drinking again. Got to 29 days sober and started drinking "on weekends" again. Which obviously, we're back to daily drinking.
I have quit nagging him. (This happened after his first relapse - when I realized it wasn't my fault, I can't control it and I just need to control myself.) I just let him do his thing and have embraced that the idea of him drinking and sitting on the couch watching horrible movies means my daughter and I can go out and do our own thing together without him. (We go to church - he hates going. We go to the library - he hates going. And on and on.)
Well, last weekend I noticed that my house had a funky smell. I can't really describe it, it's just a gross smell. (I figured it was one of the pets and on Monday - my day off - I shampooed the carpets, deep cleaned the house and the smell was gone.)
I noticed this morning the smell was back, mostly in the bedroom. Figured I would get to it on Monday (I work weekends) and just went about my day. Tonight I get home and my husband is passed out on the couch, and the living room smells that horrid smell. The bedroom however? Fine. So I have realized this smell is my husband. It's a new smell, and like I said? It's horrid.
Dr Google tells me it's likely his liver. (Of course, I only take that worth a grain of salt - and he won't go to the doctor to ask. So I'll likely not know until he is truly visibly sick.)
I'm beside myself. But I think what's worse? I feel a slight relief. Because one way or the other? If he truly is having liver problems? This will symbolize an end to this nightmare I've been living married to an alcoholic.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
I so sympathize with you, alcoholism is so devastating. Betty always has the most perfect, succinct reply. But I wanted to reach out to you as well, to let you know that you inspire me because your heart seems "open" under such difficult circumstances. you are obviously working a program of recovery. Im going to keep coming back like you.
Your last sentence resonated with me as acceptance of powerlessness and the relief that comes when I stop denying reality. It's hard to take my hands off, seeing all the consequences while they cannot... the frustration of caring more about their well-being than they do. yet there is nothing I can do to change it for them. What is there to do for ourselves, but surrender to reality, or go down with them? I too am slowly beginning to feel the freedom that comes with moving on, and getting a life. Members around my recovery tables tell me that we are each on our own journey to God, that even addiction is a path to God. I have borrowed their visualization of wrapping my loved one in a blanket and lovingly handing them over to the One who has all power.
The title of your post about the "next step" looks like it may be a good time to lean on the wisdom of step two (and maybe three.) After I recognize life is feeling unmanageable, that is cue for me to "Get with God" right away. My usual practice is to go for a mindful walk in nature, this quickly brings me back to the connection again, dropping the illusion of being "alone" ....realizing once again, I can never be separated from the Dreamer who dreamed me.
Or, I can sit quietly and deeply in meditation. for me, in quietness and confidence comes strength. Meditation always helps me "come to believe" again. So whatever helps you feel your connection with God again, I would do that. sometimes by just reading our literature, a wave of calm trust washes over me.
I hope you continue to give yourself permission to take care of yourself during this difficult time. You are never alone, my friend, and I hope you enjoy this worldwide fellowship that understands and is walking with you (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 30th of October 2016 12:45:43 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 30th of October 2016 05:10:24 PM