AH says he has nothing to hide and all I ever had to do was ask. He shares the password for his laptop. Of course his emails received were deleted but the sent mails were not. He emailing to meet women before and during rehab. One he even asked if he could meet her the same night. This man just said to me on the phone yesterday he loves me and hasn't broken our vows and is keeping up his end of the bargain in his program. Too bad he didn't regarding his marriage. He's on his way over tonight to see our daughter and talk. I'm going to a meeting. I don't understand how he can be so diabolical. he can't hang this one on alcoholism. He is a bad person. I don't believe his "disease" makes a person so hateful. He knows the difference between right and wrong. He chose to do whatever he did with the pigs on that website.

Hello~I can share that my A is a chronic liar and whether it is part of the disease or not, is makes trust impossible. I think lying is part of the disease but my A also learned it from her mom. My A has no trouble lying to me straight in the face. There is some rationalization and/or denial that this behavior is OK. NO IT ISN'T! Alanon is my saving grace and I will continue to help myself through this wonderful program. My A is not able to love me in a healthy way, but I am learning to love myself. Keep coming back, Lyne

Thanks Lyne.

Jerry I appreciate your words to help. I have a tough time with the idea of two people who answer to a higher power but don't do right by each other in a marriage because of each other, just as a by product of a different goal. Maybe I've misinterpreted what you were saying and if so I apologize. I'm not passing judgment. Whatever brings you peace and serenity is right.

My experience with this type of behavior it is addiction related .. how did I know my XAH was lying? His lips move. Actually that's still a true statement.

Alanon taught me to stop trying to believe what I was told and believe what I was shown.

I have had a lot of time to grow up since my divorce and honestly I will own my part .. I do not own the parts that aren't mine and I can now see where parts are mine .. there are times they were more than 50% and other times they were less than 50% based upon the situation.

One thing that I have seriously come to find is that I really did not listen to my XAH and had I really listened to him through his actions I would have caused myself a whole lot less pain. My other defect in the marriage was remaining so focused on what he did or didn't do that I did not see any harm I was doing. I did a lot of harm to both of us through the course of our marriage .. really I did more harm to myself. Yes, what he did was deplorable I have a million and one stories about it .. however if I had let go and got out of the "pick me" mode .. I deal a lot with rejection, trust issues.

People in general want to be with other people they have not disappointed, let down, hurt, know their history of misdeeds. They have history their sig other and it's to much guilt to look at the other person and know what they did was wrong. I don't condone affairs .. I have the time and perspective to understand better that my XAH wanted his feel goods he wasn't getting at home. Were they healthy feel goods? Not in my opinion. In the moment though I think these types of behaviors lead to a lot of bad decisions. It is that instant gratification that everyone wants.

Let's face it who doesn't want the euphoria of feeling desired, cherished and treasured, .. unfortunately the A in the moment doesn't see the longer term damage that it does to include outside people that I'm sure s/he's lying to as well.

So .. now you know and it becomes what are you going to do? The thing that Alanon really has taught me is I do not have to decide today. I can plan make my decisions and move forward in a more productive way. The way that has the highest good of all concerned .. and again to be very clear .. it did not take away the hurt and betrayal of how I felt about finding out that my XAH was in a full blown affair with a woman from work .. interestingly enough .. he showed his true colors down the road and she left as well, there was way more to that story.

On a very comical note when I decided to date again and we were living in the same city .. I got matched with my XAH on match.com .. I decided at that point I was not ready to really date .. LOL!! If that's what was available .. I was way ok remaining single for a while.

Sometimes God does for me what I can not do for myself .. and finding out about the affair was the start of my true healing. I did choose to leave because that was what was in the best interest of the kids and myself.

Hugs S :)

I agree with others here. I believe it is part of the addiction. He is early in his program and has a lot of work to do, but commitment to a program can change this behaviour dramatically. Alternatively, if he is not fully committed to a program, it can continue. My ex went through periods of commitment to AA, and when he was working it he was awesome to be around. Then he would fall away from AA. He never considered it a problem because he wasn't drinking - but all of the behaviours came raging back. Drinking is only one facet of alcoholism. It is so complex. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs to you.

I remember this. Similar. It sucked and hurt a lot. I trust my instincts and always know when something's brewing or going on. Its hard to be told to ignore instinct. Crazy making. I hope you find resolutions that work for you. It was bit by bit for me. Everything converged then exploded, the alcoholism, the binges, the lies, the phone activity and strange women, other borderline activities that I never signed up for. Its a bit like whack a mole now. You know things are good then some tiny thing tries to grow and immediately its bought out into the open to be tested. I did also find immense releif in knowing that it really wasn't about me. It felt like it was all about me but it really wasn't. Which in no way excuses the addict. It just stops their behaviour from affecting ones self esteem. Anyway I hope you will be OK SMS. Serenity getting matched with your ex is hilarious! Glad you kept going though.

A41 .. Lol his profile was hysterical and sad .. I sat stunned as it happened within the first 24 hours of me signing up. I was like I'm good. I did try again later after I moved out of state. Better results .. However frustrating for someone Over 40. The God of my understanding has a terrible sense of humor lol.

Yes God does have a sense of humor! Anyway, I so relate to what you are saying, all of you. I recently said to my BF, just out of rehab, how do I know if all of your disgraceful behaviors prior to rehab were due to your disease, or due to the fact that you are just an asshole? He said he didn't know lol. But he told me before he came home, he said I will not lie to you anymore,because the lying was killing me and it was one of the reasons I drank. I would've liked to hear that he knew the lying was killing ME, or that he would not do anything he needed to lie about, but I guess I might have been overthinking it. I do believe most of his cheating and lying was due to his being so deep in the throws of his disease..maybe not entirely, but it sure didn't help. He says now he is trying to be a good person and do the right thing. Yes I still have zero trust and tons of resentments, but as someone here said..no one would want to be with someone they know they continually hurt, so I'm trying to not make that a part of our life now..it's very hard, and I'm waiting for that apology..a real one..guess that's further down the line in his step progress!

Hugs desperate .. I wanted to ask a question about you waiting for an apology. What happens if you do not get the apology you deserve?? My xmil came to me one day and made the announcement her xah said he was sorry for everything. Hmm .. My immediate question was .. What's everything? Through Alanon I have come to some peace realizing I would rather have an apology as a living amends of action vs the words. Blanket apologies don't cut it. My xah apologizing . lol .. I would never believe him. So how are you going to work your program of recovery and relationship even if you don't get the apology you deserve? Hugs s ;)

Good question..and I guess my answer is, I will know I am no longer so insanely codependent on him, when I realize I do not need that apology..when it isnt so important and significant to me. Because he too has said the words, and not matched them with behavior. I feel I deserve it, but ultimately I'm probably best off learning to not need it..thanks for making me think about that, it gives me a little strength in that area