I feel like I am not holding it together very well yesterday and today. I know it will get better, but it still feels overwhelming at this moment. So I am bringing it here and dumping it on all of you lovely people because it really helps me to cope. I don't have many bad days anymore. I know it won't last.  I keep telling myself that.  But it feels like instead of dealing 100% with all my baggage, some I just conveniently packaged up and shoved in a closet and it tumbled the hell out. 

I was married to an addict. He was on pain pills from his Dr. when we found out we were going to have a baby.  At 23 weeks we found out she had some really really big problems.  Her heart was only half formed and her kidneys would not be functioning properly.  It would take a series of surgeries starting at 3 days old until 5 years old to try to get her to love.  They couldn't give her a transplant due to multi organ systems involved. Each surgery had a 50% survival rate...tops.  But they said it might be far lower for her.  They gave me 2 options induce labor early and allow her to pass peacefully, or carry her to term and allow her to die with palliative care (basicly 1 -3 days to die) or try surgury, but the risks were very high for suffering, mental retardation from lack of O2, living on kidney dialysis.  It was heart breaking but I wanted her to live.  My ex husband said the magic words, " I can't stay sober if we have her and she dies."  I weighed the decision out and induced labor.  I held her in my arms as she passed and it was very traumatic.

I thought I could maintain, but I was a mess for several months. That is when my ex showed up high on cocain, and started taking more pain meds, only not from his doctor.  With in one year he started meth.  I asked him to move out.  I tried getting him into treatment. He lied about going.  I had his son full time whom I loved very much.  The boys mom was also using drugs. I separated but still hoped he would get treatment and come home.  It was nearly a year of him showing up on my doorstep at 2AM thinking invisible things were trying to kill him.  He would rob our house for drug money.  He deteriorated further and further.  I watched him become a homeless schizophrenic who was very scary.  He kept coming back saying he loved me tugging at my heart strings begging for help to be sober. It was gut wrenching.  The situation with the baby, gave me PTSD and his downword spiral didnt help.  I hate the PTSD nightmares.  He is still alive but fled the state and doesn't care about our daughter who is now 6.  The hard part was I REALLY loved him. When he was sober he was amazing.  

I got a job, started back at college to have a career.  I stopped going to college when he and I married before.  I worked 40 hours a week as a CNA, took 15 credits online at night when the kids went to bed.  I made it into nursing school.  I am almost done, top of my class.  I am usually feeling like I am on the way up and kicking ass.  

But my grandma took a bad fall, I am helping take care of her and its hard to see her start to deteriorate.  I think her heart is slowly giving up.  I saw the new Mackelmore video called my dealer is a Dr.  Its great, but I couldn't stop watching it was too true.   He is going through withdrawals and talking about the reality of pills.  I just saw it so often, It was so graphic and real looking. I just watched it and watched it yesterday morning.  Then in class we had a surprise guest speaker not on the syllabus. I sit in the far back corner and couldn't just leave with out a scene.  It was about FETAL DEATH.  It was a fetal hospice worker talking about situations when babies die.  What they look like at 23,25,30 weeks old, how to warn their cold bodies for parents.  Getting pictures for parents.  Telling stories from experience about sitting with mom's as their babies pass. She said something about trying to get them to hold their babies,and offering 3 times.  I raised my hand to contribute something important and felt like I could.  I didn't want to hold mine and the dr. separated me from my husband said all mom's want to, and had someone bring in my baby and then left.  My ex of course like an addict stormed off and was not there for me.  Anyway I burst into tears in class, the teacher higged me and I sobbed more. 

Right after class I got a call my grandma was back in the ER with a blood clot.  I am just overwhelmed, my mom is hard to deal with and leaves when ever there is stress. So as soon as I got to the ER she left. I waited for 6 hrs and made all the decisions but my mom is POA.  It was jsut too much fo rone day.

On the way home I pulled over and cried til I puked.  I had today to study for a huge test.  But its almost 2pm.  I am still in my PJ's. I can't focus.  I keep crying.  I can't bring myself to go take a bath becasue then I just sit and think.  I have just been wasting time watching stupid reality tv mindlessness.  I don't feel like I have a suport system because my husband and best friend were there for my when my ex left on his drugged craziness.  They were my best friends and I feel like I exhausted them with my needs then, I jsut can' seem to open up to anybody.  

So there you go.  *DUMP*  I just needed to share that.  Thanks for listening. 

Rinn, I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are experiencing today.  Please remember you are not alone.  Don't hesitate to reach out to those who care about you or to an Al-Anon meeting.  Do not worry about exhausting those who understand and care about you ... there is enough love to go around.  Today it is your turn to receive caring support ... another day you will pay that forward to someone else. Be gentle with yourself.

(((Rinn)))  oh, Rinn.  of course you're overwhelmed.  i'm so sorry everything has piled on so high.  i don't know what to say apart from you are a very strong person who has been through a lot, and if you don't let yourself have your feelings now and then... well, that wouldn't be good, either.  feelings just have to come out now and then or they will manifest in other ways.  as difficult and painful as they are.  so have your feelings and know they won't be this acute forever, and that you will move forward.  sending you strength and understanding and hugs.

((Rinn)) I am so sorry that you have endured such pain and loss in your lifetime.  Glad that you could share here and do hope you were able to study as your courage and wisdom shine through. Congrats on your determination to return to school and finish at the top of your class.

Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.

Hotrod, thanks for always being on this site and being so giving with my time.  Every time I seem to need a bit of a pick me up, you always respond.  :)  Thank you for giving your time and self to something so valuable!

((((Rinn)))) Learning to look thru a new pair of eyes was one of the lesson subjects I took in the program.  My sponsor required attitude changes and I learned to look at life as Iamhere relates.   Look for the good was impressed upon me and it worked.  Recently there have been noggin knockers in my daily life and still they do not have the power to take my peace of mind and serenity down like they use to.   "Nothing so much has the power to up set my life or peace of mind and serenity than I allow it"  or similar out of the ODAT daily reader.  (((((hugs)))))