Ive been dating my significant other for a little over a year now and his drinking has always bothered me. He doesn't drink every day, usually just on Friday nights, which is totally fine. The issue is the doesn't know when to stop. He can never just have a few drinks with me and enjoy our night. If here is more alcohol, he will finish it. Alcohol never lasts more than one night in our home. Last night for example, I got home from work and he had bought a 24 pack. We enjoyed a few beers together and after dinner he says "Im going to have just one more" I was fine with that even though he had already had 5 beers by that point. He finished his last beer and I could tell he had a good buzz going. He then says he is going to have another, and just stares at me, waiting to see my reaction. This is a pattern for us. He always tells me he is going to have just one more and that is never the case, last night was no different. I voiced to him how much it bothers me that he has never once kept his word when it comes to his drinking. He seemed to understand where I was coming from and said "If it bothers you that much I wont have another" I fell asleep for probably 5min and was woken up by the opening of a beer, I was so upset. I woke up this morning to find that he had finished off the entire 24 pack minus the 3 that I had myself. Ive been dealing with events like this for over a year. When he is sober he always says he is going to work on it and he can only have a few if he wants but he likes getting a buzz.but once alcohol is in his system that all goes out the window...He tells me to be quiet if I stat talking about his drinking and ask him to stop. It is so incredibly unattractive to watch your significant other slur his speech, and not even able to hold himself up. It was such a problem at one point that it caused me to be kicked out of my old home because my roommates could not take him staying up till 6am listening to music and drinking all nigh. Idk what to do. I have alcoholics on both sides of my family and have had to deal with it my whole life...Am I being selfish asking him to limit his drinking because he only enjoys it once a week? I am at my wits end. I love this man but I want him to respect my wishes of limiting his drinking. I feel as though the alcohol comes before me...
starcatcher2 said
Oct 28, 2016
Hi Vanessa,
My boyfriend is also an alcoholic. His drink of choice is Vodka. He will go on week long binges, and they are HARD binges. One time when I took him to the emergency room I asked what his blood alcohol level was. The doctor said "dead". His body has grown such a tolerance that it's hard to believe his alcohol level was so high (.38). I also have a recovering alcoholic Mother (she is 23 years sober) and an alcoholic step-father as well, so I can completely relate when you say your at your wits end, but still love him and want to stay. You can read my post if you'd like (if you have time). I know from my personal experience it has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions. The one thing I have absolutely learned is HE has to want to stop. If he doesn't want to take the steps to stop, there is not much begging, crying, pleading or threatening we can do to make them change.
Maybe you can have a conversation with him when he is sober and ask him if he really is ready to stop? Letting him know how much you love and support him, and you are just worried about him, his health and well being may possibly let him see the extent of this disease. Maybe offer to go to a meeting with him for support until he's comfortable?
Believe me you don't have to tell me how unattractive it is to have your significant other walking around in their soiled clothes, swaying side to side. Not a great look.
My heart also goes out to my ABF because he has been drinking since he was 12, he is now in his 50's. Longest time sober was 6 years (I did not know him then). He's gone sober for 4 months (consecutively) since I've been with him, which is definitely a great start. He knows he can do it, he just needs to go back to the steps. He's still trying to figure everything out. We are both in therapy and hopefully we will come together and have couples therapy. Right now it's just day by day. I have no expectations from him. He is currently a week sober and I know it's a struggle with everything else he has going on in his life. I just hope he finds the strength and the support (through AA, therapy, me, friends and family) he needs to stay sober. He knows what he needs to do, he just doesn't know why he can't get it (his words, not mine).
I hope that your boyfriend can find his way. Take care of you also. We spend so much time worrying about them we forget about ourselves. I know I do....and I'm learning to focus on myself.
Big hug to you. I hope that everything comes together.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Friday 28th of October 2016 04:12:10 PM
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Friday 28th of October 2016 04:14:04 PM
Iamhere said
Oct 28, 2016
Welcome to MIP Vanessa - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is never cured, only arrested through recovery of some sort. We can't decide another is an alcoholic - they must decide that....AA is for them should they want recovery, and Al-Anon is for family and friends that have been affected by the drinking of another.
You will find local support and fellowship in Al-Anon as well as a program of recovery for yourself. There is hope and help there and we come to understand and accept that we can't cure, control or affect a change in another's actions.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Mattie said
Oct 28, 2016
The thing is that alcoholics cannot limit themselves, they literally cannot. You are not unfair to wish you had a boyfriend who could drink normally. But for an alcoholic who is not working an active program of recovery, the compulsion is too great. So you may know that saying, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him." He is showing that he is a heavily-drinking active alcoholic, and that's who he is. The fact that he overindulges only on weekends (for now) doesn't change anything about that.
Folks who have grown up in alcoholics families often have a distorted view of what is a red flag, because even if drinking seems unwarranted, it also seems familiar. I find that most of us worry that we are being too harsh on the alcoholic, or condemning them too soon, when actually we are too forgiving, and condemn them too late.
Here is one thing to think about. When we express our unhappiness at their drinking, we're trying to make the point that it's not okay by us. But when we stick around, our actions are saying something more powerful - that it is okay by us. Maybe their drinking feels familiar. Maybe their unavailability awakens a craving to "win them over" in us. Maybe we fear we can't get anybody any better. Maybe we're afraid of the emotions that come from being without a partner for a while. Maybe several or all of the above. But when we stay despite their unavailability, and the chaos that comes with drinking, we signal that really we'd prefer it to leaving and waiting for a guy who's not controlled by his drinking. So that's the message we're really sending.
The best way to start our own recovery is to find a good Al-Anon meeting (try several, they're all different), start learning the tools, read through the threads here, get the literature, and keep coming back. Hugs.
Taraxacum said
Oct 30, 2016
When I was dating my AH I had no idea what was really going on. I had a lot of denial and no understanding of alcoholism. I liked drinking on the weekends or after a long day, I liked to party and liked getting drunk too. I was baffled when AH couldn't keep his drinking to acceptable levels - up late drinking when I told him I had an exam, too hung over for work, etc. I really thought he was being stupid and just needed to grow up. I hid his drinking from our friends and felt so embarrassed by his behavior.
I had no idea how sick we both were.
I'm still figuring things out. I know so much of what I grew to resent about him, was his disease. I also know I was sick long before I fell in love with AH. I'm sorting out my disease and working my steps in hopes of making myself well.
Reading this post was a good reminder of where I have been, and where I am going. I have been confused, angry, controlling, desperate. I am heading towards recovery, and serenity. I'm so glad to have this fellowship to guide me on that journey.
HopefulTimes said
Nov 7, 2016
I am new here and was going to post this exact thread. My boyfriend is what I would classify as a binge drinker. We are both in our midthirties and dating for about three years. Without rambling too much I also don't know what to do. I have researched things to do and not do and we have discussed it. He can stop for about a week if he wants to but averages two to three nights of drinking. It ranges from 10 - 15 a few nights a week. I don't drink. No history of alcoholism in my family but most of family does drink but I have never been concerned as they are responsible. I hope you find some comfort in knowing I feel some of the emotions you feel at the sound of that next beer opening. I have probably had the discussions you have had too. I'm not going to suggest anything drastic because your situation is ultimately different than mine and you have to do what is best for you. I have learned that I have to take care of myself and you have to take care of yourself. I also realized that it's ok to feel hurt and angry and every other emotion you might feel. Sending you good thoughts and I hope things improve for you.
mtk746 said
Nov 23, 2016
I could have written your post 4 years ago. I'm now married to the "binger" and on the brink of divorce.
Ive been dating my significant other for a little over a year now and his drinking has always bothered me. He doesn't drink every day, usually just on Friday nights, which is totally fine. The issue is the doesn't know when to stop. He can never just have a few drinks with me and enjoy our night. If here is more alcohol, he will finish it. Alcohol never lasts more than one night in our home. Last night for example, I got home from work and he had bought a 24 pack. We enjoyed a few beers together and after dinner he says "Im going to have just one more" I was fine with that even though he had already had 5 beers by that point. He finished his last beer and I could tell he had a good buzz going. He then says he is going to have another, and just stares at me, waiting to see my reaction. This is a pattern for us. He always tells me he is going to have just one more and that is never the case, last night was no different. I voiced to him how much it bothers me that he has never once kept his word when it comes to his drinking. He seemed to understand where I was coming from and said "If it bothers you that much I wont have another" I fell asleep for probably 5min and was woken up by the opening of a beer, I was so upset. I woke up this morning to find that he had finished off the entire 24 pack minus the 3 that I had myself. Ive been dealing with events like this for over a year. When he is sober he always says he is going to work on it and he can only have a few if he wants but he likes getting a buzz.but once alcohol is in his system that all goes out the window...He tells me to be quiet if I stat talking about his drinking and ask him to stop. It is so incredibly unattractive to watch your significant other slur his speech, and not even able to hold himself up. It was such a problem at one point that it caused me to be kicked out of my old home because my roommates could not take him staying up till 6am listening to music and drinking all nigh. Idk what to do. I have alcoholics on both sides of my family and have had to deal with it my whole life...Am I being selfish asking him to limit his drinking because he only enjoys it once a week? I am at my wits end. I love this man but I want him to respect my wishes of limiting his drinking. I feel as though the alcohol comes before me...
Hi Vanessa,
My boyfriend is also an alcoholic. His drink of choice is Vodka. He will go on week long binges, and they are HARD binges. One time when I took him to the emergency room I asked what his blood alcohol level was. The doctor said "dead". His body has grown such a tolerance that it's hard to believe his alcohol level was so high (.38). I also have a recovering alcoholic Mother (she is 23 years sober) and an alcoholic step-father as well, so I can completely relate when you say your at your wits end, but still love him and want to stay. You can read my post if you'd like (if you have time). I know from my personal experience it has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions. The one thing I have absolutely learned is HE has to want to stop. If he doesn't want to take the steps to stop, there is not much begging, crying, pleading or threatening we can do to make them change.
Maybe you can have a conversation with him when he is sober and ask him if he really is ready to stop? Letting him know how much you love and support him, and you are just worried about him, his health and well being may possibly let him see the extent of this disease. Maybe offer to go to a meeting with him for support until he's comfortable?
Believe me you don't have to tell me how unattractive it is to have your significant other walking around in their soiled clothes, swaying side to side. Not a great look.
My heart also goes out to my ABF because he has been drinking since he was 12, he is now in his 50's. Longest time sober was 6 years (I did not know him then). He's gone sober for 4 months (consecutively) since I've been with him, which is definitely a great start. He knows he can do it, he just needs to go back to the steps. He's still trying to figure everything out. We are both in therapy and hopefully we will come together and have couples therapy. Right now it's just day by day. I have no expectations from him. He is currently a week sober and I know it's a struggle with everything else he has going on in his life. I just hope he finds the strength and the support (through AA, therapy, me, friends and family) he needs to stay sober. He knows what he needs to do, he just doesn't know why he can't get it (his words, not mine).
I hope that your boyfriend can find his way. Take care of you also. We spend so much time worrying about them we forget about ourselves. I know I do....and I'm learning to focus on myself.
Big hug to you. I hope that everything comes together.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Friday 28th of October 2016 04:12:10 PM
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Friday 28th of October 2016 04:14:04 PM
You will find local support and fellowship in Al-Anon as well as a program of recovery for yourself. There is hope and help there and we come to understand and accept that we can't cure, control or affect a change in another's actions.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
The thing is that alcoholics cannot limit themselves, they literally cannot. You are not unfair to wish you had a boyfriend who could drink normally. But for an alcoholic who is not working an active program of recovery, the compulsion is too great. So you may know that saying, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him." He is showing that he is a heavily-drinking active alcoholic, and that's who he is. The fact that he overindulges only on weekends (for now) doesn't change anything about that.
Folks who have grown up in alcoholics families often have a distorted view of what is a red flag, because even if drinking seems unwarranted, it also seems familiar. I find that most of us worry that we are being too harsh on the alcoholic, or condemning them too soon, when actually we are too forgiving, and condemn them too late.
Here is one thing to think about. When we express our unhappiness at their drinking, we're trying to make the point that it's not okay by us. But when we stick around, our actions are saying something more powerful - that it is okay by us. Maybe their drinking feels familiar. Maybe their unavailability awakens a craving to "win them over" in us. Maybe we fear we can't get anybody any better. Maybe we're afraid of the emotions that come from being without a partner for a while. Maybe several or all of the above. But when we stay despite their unavailability, and the chaos that comes with drinking, we signal that really we'd prefer it to leaving and waiting for a guy who's not controlled by his drinking. So that's the message we're really sending.
The best way to start our own recovery is to find a good Al-Anon meeting (try several, they're all different), start learning the tools, read through the threads here, get the literature, and keep coming back. Hugs.
I had no idea how sick we both were.
I'm still figuring things out. I know so much of what I grew to resent about him, was his disease. I also know I was sick long before I fell in love with AH. I'm sorting out my disease and working my steps in hopes of making myself well.
Reading this post was a good reminder of where I have been, and where I am going. I have been confused, angry, controlling, desperate. I am heading towards recovery, and serenity. I'm so glad to have this fellowship to guide me on that journey.
I am new here and was going to post this exact thread. My boyfriend is what I would classify as a binge drinker. We are both in our midthirties and dating for about three years. Without rambling too much I also don't know what to do. I have researched things to do and not do and we have discussed it. He can stop for about a week if he wants to but averages two to three nights of drinking. It ranges from 10 - 15 a few nights a week. I don't drink. No history of alcoholism in my family but most of family does drink but I have never been concerned as they are responsible. I hope you find some comfort in knowing I feel some of the emotions you feel at the sound of that next beer opening. I have probably had the discussions you have had too. I'm not going to suggest anything drastic because your situation is ultimately different than mine and you have to do what is best for you. I have learned that I have to take care of myself and you have to take care of yourself. I also realized that it's ok to feel hurt and angry and every other emotion you might feel. Sending you good thoughts and I hope things improve for you.