Hi! I'm new to this forum and al-anon. My boyfriend is struggling with an addiction to cocaine, alcohol, and painkillers that he has hidden from me for almost a year (I found out in September). Right now he's in an inpatient rehab program, and I'm stuck with the internal conflict about whether I am good enough for him or easily replaceable by his drugs. He is very supportive of me and has told me time and time again that I am better than good enough, but my depression and anxiety is telling me that I'm not.
I know I should use this time without him to take care of myself, but I'm worried that I'm forgettable and I've read so many horror stories about men leaving their girlfriends for someone they've met in rehab, although I'm sure my partner wouldn't consider it (again, the anxiety). However, I found that reading stories about working towards recovery that are similar to my experience keep me optimistic. Does anyone have any stories they'd like to share, or any words of comfort, support, or wisdom that they could lend me?
Mattie said
Oct 28, 2016
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. I hope you have an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to get through. This is a crazy time and situation, as I'm sure everyone on here has experienced, and no one should have to go through it without support.
Rather than asking if you're good enough for him, I submit that the most important question is whether he is good enough for you. For many of us, someone being effectively unavailable, as addicts are (because addiction makes the drug the only thing they can truly focus on, even if their partner were a goddess and the Queen of Sheba rolled into one) - anyway, someone being unavailable makes our craving to stick with him and get his attention kick in. A more available, easy-going, relaxed guy might leave us saying, "Eh, maybe, maybe not." But the high-intensity, sometimes-available-mostly-not guy gives us a sort of compulsion to "win" with him. And this compulsion can go on indefinitely because addiction means there is no "winning" over the drug or alcohol. An addict or alcoholic who is working a program of recovery seriously is still an unstable person who will take several years to stabilize and mature and become more emotionally available. Some end up in a great place, after all the turmoil, and some do not. And of course a high percentage relapse and don't get far down the road of recovery at all. So those are the people that we are investing with our own self-esteem - "Does this guy with a very sketchy ability to love and focus outward approve of me, and can he give me mature love and attention?" It's almost as if we come in with our own self-doubts and then we find someone who will play right into them.
The way we move forward is to get our own recovery going - when we're around an addicted person we get sucked into the chaos and we need our own recovery too. Then we can know we will keep our serenity and peace whether the addict recovers, relapses, or whatever he does. I hope you'll read through the threads here, find a local meeting (try several, they're all different), get the material there, and keep coming back. Hugs.
jojo8466 said
Oct 28, 2016
I think that Mattie hit the nail on the head. Her reply is worth reading over and over again.
sunmustshine said
Oct 28, 2016
Lilbirbby I've been in the place you are with rehab. Take such good care of yourself right now. When I felt those same fears I was really afraid of being abandoned, alone and never loved again. Do an inventory of all of the wonderful qualities about yourself. Then pretend it's not you and the ABF. Now look at it as if the "you" is a dear friend who you love very much. What would you tell her in this situation? What would you tell her if it happens? What does she deserve?
I've been through this and you don't deserve to be in this situation to begin with. I'm realizing about myself that I never deserved to be alone in the darkness of my AH's disease but I didn't realize I was in control of me. I was too busy trying to be in control of him. I wish you peace and comfort in knowing you have been swept up in the craziness of your ABF's addiction but can heal and recover yourself. Do something special for yourself today and everyday. This is what you deserve from yourself or anyone else who wants to share your life for that matter. Try going to a local f2f meeting and keep coming back to this forum. Alanon will help you deal with the craziness and heal. It helps me enormously. (((Hugs))).
Iamhere said
Oct 28, 2016
Welcome to MIP Lilbirbby - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Addiction/alcoholism is a chronic disease which is never cured. It can be treated with abstinence and recovery, but it is ever present and affects all aspects of a person - mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. When the disease is active or goes untreated, the diseased is pulled to the substance, and it will be the number one priority always/often.
AA/NA is for them and Al-Anon/Nar-Anon is for family and friends who've been affected by the use of another. We often find we obsess over them as much as they obsess over their substance. We become entrenched in the dysfunction, and before we know it, our thinking becomes distorted, our self-esteem and self-worth tank and we are as insane as they are.
Al-Anon gives us the program, steps, structure and tools to be sane and happy no matter what they are/are not doing. We learn that happiness and serenity are based on us, and not on others. We work to regain our own worth so the actions, words, etc. of others don't rob of us our joy. Finally, we keep the focus on us and not on what they are doing, what they will/will not be doing. We do this by using the steps, tools and suggestions one day at a time.
Nobody knows what tomorrow brings. Nothing we do today changes what happened yesterday. We all only have this day to be the best version of us we can be. Dwelling on the sickness of another person and what may come next is a huge part of our sickness. Be gentle with you and focus on you and your needs, just for today.
Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings will give you local support and fellowship. In the rooms, you will find people who truly understand what you're going through and how it affects you. They will share and listen without judgement, and we work to keep the focus on us and our part vs. them and their part. It's a safe place to be real and to learn how to love yourself instead of seeking joy from others.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery - you are worth it!
Hi! I'm new to this forum and al-anon. My boyfriend is struggling with an addiction to cocaine, alcohol, and painkillers that he has hidden from me for almost a year (I found out in September). Right now he's in an inpatient rehab program, and I'm stuck with the internal conflict about whether I am good enough for him or easily replaceable by his drugs. He is very supportive of me and has told me time and time again that I am better than good enough, but my depression and anxiety is telling me that I'm not.
I know I should use this time without him to take care of myself, but I'm worried that I'm forgettable and I've read so many horror stories about men leaving their girlfriends for someone they've met in rehab, although I'm sure my partner wouldn't consider it (again, the anxiety). However, I found that reading stories about working towards recovery that are similar to my experience keep me optimistic. Does anyone have any stories they'd like to share, or any words of comfort, support, or wisdom that they could lend me?
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. I hope you have an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting to get through. This is a crazy time and situation, as I'm sure everyone on here has experienced, and no one should have to go through it without support.
Rather than asking if you're good enough for him, I submit that the most important question is whether he is good enough for you. For many of us, someone being effectively unavailable, as addicts are (because addiction makes the drug the only thing they can truly focus on, even if their partner were a goddess and the Queen of Sheba rolled into one) - anyway, someone being unavailable makes our craving to stick with him and get his attention kick in. A more available, easy-going, relaxed guy might leave us saying, "Eh, maybe, maybe not." But the high-intensity, sometimes-available-mostly-not guy gives us a sort of compulsion to "win" with him. And this compulsion can go on indefinitely because addiction means there is no "winning" over the drug or alcohol. An addict or alcoholic who is working a program of recovery seriously is still an unstable person who will take several years to stabilize and mature and become more emotionally available. Some end up in a great place, after all the turmoil, and some do not. And of course a high percentage relapse and don't get far down the road of recovery at all. So those are the people that we are investing with our own self-esteem - "Does this guy with a very sketchy ability to love and focus outward approve of me, and can he give me mature love and attention?" It's almost as if we come in with our own self-doubts and then we find someone who will play right into them.
The way we move forward is to get our own recovery going - when we're around an addicted person we get sucked into the chaos and we need our own recovery too. Then we can know we will keep our serenity and peace whether the addict recovers, relapses, or whatever he does. I hope you'll read through the threads here, find a local meeting (try several, they're all different), get the material there, and keep coming back. Hugs.
AA/NA is for them and Al-Anon/Nar-Anon is for family and friends who've been affected by the use of another. We often find we obsess over them as much as they obsess over their substance. We become entrenched in the dysfunction, and before we know it, our thinking becomes distorted, our self-esteem and self-worth tank and we are as insane as they are.
Al-Anon gives us the program, steps, structure and tools to be sane and happy no matter what they are/are not doing. We learn that happiness and serenity are based on us, and not on others. We work to regain our own worth so the actions, words, etc. of others don't rob of us our joy. Finally, we keep the focus on us and not on what they are doing, what they will/will not be doing. We do this by using the steps, tools and suggestions one day at a time.
Nobody knows what tomorrow brings. Nothing we do today changes what happened yesterday. We all only have this day to be the best version of us we can be. Dwelling on the sickness of another person and what may come next is a huge part of our sickness. Be gentle with you and focus on you and your needs, just for today.
Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings will give you local support and fellowship. In the rooms, you will find people who truly understand what you're going through and how it affects you. They will share and listen without judgement, and we work to keep the focus on us and our part vs. them and their part. It's a safe place to be real and to learn how to love yourself instead of seeking joy from others.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery - you are worth it!