My AH came back...again...wanting to get sober and be part of our family. He really did things right this time. He's working his program and trying new things. I try not to be hopeful but it happens on a subconscious level though I try to just be. Monday night he just doesn't come home. The issue was he had the naltrexone shot so drinking is ineffective. If he commits to being on it, sobriety is much simpler. So he isn't drinking and fails to come home?? I asked for his phone when he walked in. I'd never done this. He was suprised but handed it over. He was proud to point out proof he was just with the guys and was too stoned to drive...soon switched to passed out (because either of those are acceptable or attractive). I scrolled quickly to find a text from a woman of her phone number and a little after this a text from him thanking someone for their hospitality and an explanation of where he brought "Alice" after they left before returning to his boat. By now he's snatching back the phone as I'm asking who the hell Alice is. Swears nothing happened...blah. He doesn't even see what did happen. While I helped my daughter and I heal from the emotional blow of that particular failed "doing it right this time", he was spending time with another woman. I don't understand why people think it takes sex to be unfaithful. It must be said I don't necessarily believe what he says didn't happen but nothing good to dwell on there.
I am feeling I finally get it. I feel I was useful during the years I would drink with him. As soon as I refused shortly before trying to have my daughter I became valueless to him. Fast forward years later he complains about me, the marriage, etc. when he would go away on his binge I imagined he was alone or with his male friends. I feel like a fool. I now feel he was just out to find a plug and play of the old me or better stated a new enabler. Now I understand why nothing really felt like it was getting better as nice as I would be, as supportive, as compassionate...I have no value to him. Yes, hurts. But I also feel I see more now than ever how important it is that I fully value and love myself. I always identified some of my worth to a degree through my marriage and supposed love from him. I feel that was such a mistake. All of my self worth should come from me. Even when I say it, it sounds so bulletproof. I even think the times I was most down were the times I looked to him...something so dysfunctional for self worth, something I was never supposed to find there to begin with. Seems like common sense this would leave me feeling down. I am going to think more about this last point tomorrow and beyond and try to shake any sad moments that pop up with it. This feels a little like healing. Can you relate? I would love to hear other's ah ha moments for more inspiration. Maybe there is a good read anyone could recommend that piggy backs on this?
(((Hugs))) and thanks.
Jayla said
Oct 27, 2016
I don't know anything (see my post) but you just gave me an ah-ha moment! I have been wondering why in the world my AH doesn't even seem to like me anymore. But reading your comment, things happened similar to you--when I met him we were drinking in a club and dancing all the time. But For the last 3 years I have been pregnant or breastfeeding so very very little chance to drink. And to me that's a non-issue. But I'm not his party girl anymore. I'm a wife and mother and now a professional. So therefore I don't participate in his disease like I used to. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to spend any time with me anymore. (((Hugs))) to you because I hear you.
sunmustshine said
Oct 27, 2016
Jayla I'm glad you found meaning. Your post also spoke to me. You pointed out something I talk about a lot but have been taking for granted about myself since it's been 6 years since my baby arrived. When we go from being the great person we were to mothers we become even more fabulous. It's one thing to be a great women and a professional but throw motherhood on top of that? Superfabulousness! Not throwing shade on superfab women without kids, but you know what I mean. See, this was my point. I need to stop seeing myself as a part of a marriage or relationship or through his eyes but as the individual God intended me to be. It doesn't mean I can't have a relationship but I can't get lost in it or let it make me question what I am worth. I think helpful here is, it's none of my business what other people think of me. Love that one! That one and, bless them change me. (((Hugs))) So glad we're all here to lift each other up!
el-cee said
Oct 27, 2016
As far as I have learned alcoholism is a spiritual and mental disease and the drinking is like self medication for the discomfort the person feels in their own skin so for me anti alcohol drugs only deal with the drinking and the person is left with all the distorted and disturbed thought processes. That's why AA is recommended because its a spiritual program and seeks to fill the empty hole inside that the drinker is trying to fill with drink, drugs, women etc whatever, anything really.
Then theres us the partners, parents, children, siblings we become sick too in much the same way so the disease is within the whole family. A family of people with distorted and disturbed thought processes and we all seek to fill the hole inside with allsorts of anything really. For me I filled my hole by obsessing about my ex ah, my children, food, etc. Mostly the drinker though. He was my main focus, I couldn't take my eyes off him, trying to be one step ahead like living in a game that we cant win, hellish.
The good news is all this, all of it for all the family can get better if one person gets into recovery and begins to think with sanity and ration. Alanon face to face meetings is where I got it.
jojo8466 said
Oct 27, 2016
Hello Sunmustshine ~
I'm in admiration of you for taking what had to be a heartbreaking issue and using it to improve yourself and to see the good in you!!! That is awesome. A lot of women would of just curled up into a ball and cried into their pillows but you had the strength and wisdom to use this event to focus on yourself and see his alcoholism and his actions to you and against you for what they really are. That is amazing! You are a very wise and strong woman!
Fooled said
Oct 27, 2016
I can so relate sunmustshine. Whenever my RAH relapses he starts talking and texting other women usually from porn sites. He starts to frequent strip clubs. His last relapse ended when he crashed his motorcycle in the parking lot of a strip club.
What helped me was Qtip Yes it hurts Yes its hard For my A it really had nothing to do with me not being enough or that I was now useless. To him it was self loathing, he didn't deserve me and he was looking for someone who could charm and pretend he was not an alcoholic to.
Great job on the self worth! What works for me is to stay out of his phone. I now longer look for clues that he has relapsed. I don't participate in the "day after" conversation. I don't want to know. That's a boundary for me. I don't want to know about it, I don't want to hear about it.
Keep up the good work!
hotrod said
Oct 27, 2016
Hello Sunshine I had a very similar incident many years ago and it was then that I reached out to alanon and recovery. I am so glad that I did.
Keep coming back your wisdom and courage looks great on you.
Iamhere said
Oct 27, 2016
I love 'Aha' moments in recovery. My first thought when I read your post was, "More will be revealed." I have had many very obvious growth moments and awareness moments, and then others have been more subtle. It's like you wake up one day, and realize you have gone a while day with peace in your heart and mind. Not a single obsessive thought and you kind of go - "huhhhhhh" ---- that's what they mean by serenity.
I'm with Betty - center yourself in the program and in recovery, keeping the focus on you and you will be amazed at what happens next and how it all comes together!
(((Hugs)))
sunmustshine said
Oct 27, 2016
Thanks all. (((Hugs)))
Your words are so helpful...all of them. It's hard. The drinking stops but the lies continue. I guess it's true, why would they stop if the person hasn't changed telling them...or the person there to hear them (ouch). Work to be done. My goal today is keeping the focus on me and turning the rest over. Serenity prayer.
Hope it's a great day for everyone.
Green Eyes said
Oct 27, 2016
Your post resonates so much with me. Thank you for being open to sharing your thought process on this.
I met my AH at a bar and we were all about the partying back then. He was the ultimate "frat boy" who was fun to hang with- lots of excitement back then. But once we had our three daughters, I didn't want that scene anymore. But he did. And that's when things started to slowly unravel in our marriage. When I finally decided that I had had enough and walked out (after multiple attempts with marriage counseling and reconciliation), he quickly moved on to other women who would drink with him and laugh at his antics. I agree with others here that he was so self-loathing with his disease that he needed to be around those who would support him and make him feel good about himself. Unfortunately, those people did not stay around for very long. Ultimately, he slowly killed himself by drinking until his body could not take the abuse any longer.
I'm so thankful that Al-Anon was there for me when I needed it the most. I learned there that his behavior was not about me and that I needed to put the focus on myself. It works when you work it!
GE
starcatcher2 said
Oct 27, 2016
sunmustshine wrote:
My AH came back...again...wanting to get sober and be part of our family. He really did things right this time. He's working his program and trying new things. I try not to be hopeful but it happens on a subconscious level though I try to just be. Monday night he just doesn't come home. The issue was he had the naltrexone shot so drinking is ineffective. If he commits to being on it, sobriety is much simpler. So he isn't drinking and fails to come home?? I asked for his phone when he walked in. I'd never done this. He was suprised but handed it over. He was proud to point out proof he was just with the guys and was too stoned to drive...soon switched to passed out (because either of those are acceptable or attractive). I scrolled quickly to find a text from a woman of her phone number and a little after this a text from him thanking someone for their hospitality and an explanation of where he brought "Alice" after they left before returning to his boat. By now he's snatching back the phone as I'm asking who the hell Alice is. Swears nothing happened...blah. He doesn't even see what did happen. While I helped my daughter and I heal from the emotional blow of that particular failed "doing it right this time", he was spending time with another woman. I don't understand why people think it takes sex to be unfaithful. It must be said I don't necessarily believe what he says didn't happen but nothing good to dwell on there. I am feeling I finally get it. I feel I was useful during the years I would drink with him. As soon as I refused shortly before trying to have my daughter I became valueless to him. Fast forward years later he complains about me, the marriage, etc. when he would go away on his binge I imagined he was alone or with his male friends. I feel like a fool. I now feel he was just out to find a plug and play of the old me or better stated a new enabler. Now I understand why nothing really felt like it was getting better as nice as I would be, as supportive, as compassionate...I have no value to him. Yes, hurts. But I also feel I see more now than ever how important it is that I fully value and love myself. I always identified some of my worth to a degree through my marriage and supposed love from him. I feel that was such a mistake. All of my self worth should come from me. Even when I say it, it sounds so bulletproof. I even think the times I was most down were the times I looked to him...something so dysfunctional for self worth, something I was never supposed to find there to begin with. Seems like common sense this would leave me feeling down. I am going to think more about this last point tomorrow and beyond and try to shake any sad moments that pop up with it. This feels a little like healing. Can you relate? I would love to hear other's ah ha moments for more inspiration. Maybe there is a good read anyone could recommend that piggy backs on this? (((Hugs))) and thanks.
Hello Sunmustshine,
I must say, I just recently went through this as well. My ABF went on a binge and I found messages on his FB as well as a message on a phone about him "meeting up" with someone. He "swears" nothing happened, but yet he said he was TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER. Whatever! I have tried wrapping my mind around the lies. Like someone posted before, once I told him I had enough he moved on to try to find another enabler. Someone who didn't know what he was REALLY like since he likes to present the facade of being so happy and sober. He lies about his sobriety to everyone. I get it. It's nobodies business, but I find it amusing how he presents himself. Exactly the way he presented himself to me.
It doesn't matter what I do to support him. In the end something/anything I do he will blame me to mask his own guilt. For me the physical cheating is painful, but the emotional/texting/sexting/flirting is even more painful because I personally associate it with emotions. Since he has ED there isn't much sex happening here. So it's equally painful. I am currently in therapy in which I am learning his behaviors have nothing to do with me, and how I can help myself through these feelings.
I hope that you can find some peace with whatever decision you make. It's difficult, and my heart goes out to you.
sarahGee said
Oct 27, 2016
sunmustshine wrote:
I now feel he was just out to find a plug and play of the old me or better stated a new enabler. Now I understand why nothing really felt like it was getting better as nice as I would be, as supportive, as compassionate...I have no value to him. Yes, hurts. But I also feel I see more now than ever how important it is that I fully value and love myself.
This is a HUGE step forward and you should be really proud of yourself for seeing through his action. Right down to the rotting root.
My ex is an alcoholic.
My mother is also an alcoholic.
Two very different relationships, the exact same behavior. The behavior of an alcoholic. They both replaced me in an instant when I stopped enabling them. My ex hid it (to keep a roof over his head), my mom flaunted it (to show me what I was missing.. I assume?). She literally met a new "friend" who was my age. They did all kinds of mother/daughter stuff together, it was really messed up.
The thing is, whoever they've replaced you with, that person will also be tossed and no good to them if they attempt to stop the party.
I'm pretty new to the Al Anon program myself. In my group, at the end we always say "It works if you work it, so work it because you're worth it!"
You already know you're worth it. That takes some of us a loooooong time to realize.
Sending you strength and courage as you continue in your recovery!
As far as I have learned alcoholism is a spiritual and mental disease and the drinking is like self medication for the discomfort the person feels in their own skin so for me anti alcohol drugs only deal with the drinking and the person is left with all the distorted and disturbed thought processes. That's why AA is recommended because its a spiritual program and seeks to fill the empty hole inside that the drinker is trying to fill with drink, drugs, women etc whatever, anything really.
Then theres us the partners, parents, children, siblings we become sick too in much the same way so the disease is within the whole family. A family of people with distorted and disturbed thought processes and we all seek to fill the hole inside with allsorts of anything really. For me I filled my hole by obsessing about my ex ah, my children, food, etc. Mostly the drinker though. He was my main focus, I couldn't take my eyes off him, trying to be one step ahead like living in a game that we cant win, hellish.
The good news is all this, all of it for all the family can get better if one person gets into recovery and begins to think with sanity and ration. Alanon face to face meetings is where I got it.
I'm in admiration of you for taking what had to be a heartbreaking issue and using it to improve yourself and to see the good in you!!! That is awesome. A lot of women would of just curled up into a ball and cried into their pillows but you had the strength and wisdom to use this event to focus on yourself and see his alcoholism and his actions to you and against you for what they really are. That is amazing! You are a very wise and strong woman!
What helped me was Qtip Yes it hurts Yes its hard For my A it really had nothing to do with me not being enough or that I was now useless. To him it was self loathing, he didn't deserve me and he was looking for someone who could charm and pretend he was not an alcoholic to.
Great job on the self worth! What works for me is to stay out of his phone. I now longer look for clues that he has relapsed. I don't participate in the "day after" conversation. I don't want to know. That's a boundary for me. I don't want to know about it, I don't want to hear about it.
Keep up the good work!
Keep coming back your wisdom and courage looks great on you.
I'm with Betty - center yourself in the program and in recovery, keeping the focus on you and you will be amazed at what happens next and how it all comes together!
(((Hugs)))
I met my AH at a bar and we were all about the partying back then. He was the ultimate "frat boy" who was fun to hang with- lots of excitement back then. But once we had our three daughters, I didn't want that scene anymore. But he did. And that's when things started to slowly unravel in our marriage. When I finally decided that I had had enough and walked out (after multiple attempts with marriage counseling and reconciliation), he quickly moved on to other women who would drink with him and laugh at his antics. I agree with others here that he was so self-loathing with his disease that he needed to be around those who would support him and make him feel good about himself. Unfortunately, those people did not stay around for very long. Ultimately, he slowly killed himself by drinking until his body could not take the abuse any longer.
I'm so thankful that Al-Anon was there for me when I needed it the most. I learned there that his behavior was not about me and that I needed to put the focus on myself. It works when you work it!
GE
Hello Sunmustshine,
I must say, I just recently went through this as well. My ABF went on a binge and I found messages on his FB as well as a message on a phone about him "meeting up" with someone. He "swears" nothing happened, but yet he said he was TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER. Whatever! I have tried wrapping my mind around the lies. Like someone posted before, once I told him I had enough he moved on to try to find another enabler. Someone who didn't know what he was REALLY like since he likes to present the facade of being so happy and sober. He lies about his sobriety to everyone. I get it. It's nobodies business, but I find it amusing how he presents himself. Exactly the way he presented himself to me.
It doesn't matter what I do to support him. In the end something/anything I do he will blame me to mask his own guilt. For me the physical cheating is painful, but the emotional/texting/sexting/flirting is even more painful because I personally associate it with emotions. Since he has ED there isn't much sex happening here. So it's equally painful. I am currently in therapy in which I am learning his behaviors have nothing to do with me, and how I can help myself through these feelings.
I hope that you can find some peace with whatever decision you make. It's difficult, and my heart goes out to you.
This is a HUGE step forward and you should be really proud of yourself for seeing through his action. Right down to the rotting root.
My ex is an alcoholic.
My mother is also an alcoholic.
Two very different relationships, the exact same behavior. The behavior of an alcoholic. They both replaced me in an instant when I stopped enabling them. My ex hid it (to keep a roof over his head), my mom flaunted it (to show me what I was missing.. I assume?). She literally met a new "friend" who was my age. They did all kinds of mother/daughter stuff together, it was really messed up.
The thing is, whoever they've replaced you with, that person will also be tossed and no good to them if they attempt to stop the party.
I'm pretty new to the Al Anon program myself. In my group, at the end we always say "It works if you work it, so work it because you're worth it!"
You already know you're worth it. That takes some of us a loooooong time to realize.
Sending you strength and courage as you continue in your recovery!