My Rah is coming up on 30 days. He is going to IOP 3 nights per week. Is supposed to be doing on line meetings since he is not really able to walk. I don't think this is happening. However, Im sticking to my own side of the street.
Everyday until today he has been angry about something. How is he being mistreated. Most of this is directed towards my 24 year old polysubstance abusing son. He's angry at me for helping him again. He is today 10 days clean. He doesn't want him driving our car because of the insurance. Its ok though that my daughters boyfriend can drive it. He doesn't want him staying here temporarily because of all the rotten things he has done, lying stealing etc. But its ok that he did it.
Last night he had an outburst about it and I responded with stay on your own side of the street conversation. Which he passively aggressively responded with Fine, I wont say anything anymore. I wont even say I told you so when he does it again. But, by the time you let me on your side of the street I wont have any respect from anyone in this house.
Excuse me? Isnt respect earned?
What the heck is this?
2HP said
Oct 26, 2016
Dear Friend,
In Al-anon meetings, "we share our own experience, strength, and hope, keeping the focus on ourselves and how the Al-anon program is helping us to change our attitudes and actions.
Our discussions center on solutions for our own difficulties.
We try not to tell other people's stories or repeat what we see or hear, always protecting one another's anyonymity, and the anonymity of Al-anon, Alateen and AA members, as well.
We concentrate on our own feelings and attitudes, rather than on the details of the situation.
Members leave other affiliations, such as other Twelve Step programs or professional resources, outside the meeting rooms.
It is suggested that Al-anon members avoid discussion of specific religious beliefs, or ideas, criticism of one another or the alcoholic, gossip, or revealing intimate details of their problems.
More detailed discussion may take place between meetings in private conversations with another member, or a personal sponsor."
This is from Al-anon's Service Manual, p. 40-41. I realize this is only a forum for Al-anon discussions, but can you see a spiritual benefit to this method?
In our literature it says, "They act. We react." and that is what I saw in your post. Seeking answers to the questions you pose will do nothing to help YOU because your focus is entirely on HIM, nearly every sentence. If you put your focus on YOU, you will begin to feel more control, that is how it worked for me. We begin to realize we are not helpless victims, waiting for them to improve. By focusing on him, you continue to volunteer for suffering. It doesnt matter if you stay married to this person or not, if you do not learn to focus on yourself, you will sadly take yourself with you into the next relationship, seeking outside of yourself for happiness...
Nothing makes me crazier than my outward focus where I have no power or control. Not only that, my Higher power really wants my attention!!! I had been making others my higher power, expecting others to be my source of happiness (idol-worship.) It was an idea that had to be smashed.
It looks like your husband is attempting a program of recovery. Can you understand that he is NOT going to change overnight? I absolutely relate to his predicament because in Al-anon, I couldn't change overnight either. It's like everything I had previously understood about life was a misperception and waking up from that nightmare is very sobering. What had to change? nearly everything, how frightening is that?!!
I would like to address the label of "dry drunk." (I actually hate labels.) What is it to be "dry?" It's still behaving in old dysfunctional ways. So you can see that we all get drunk sometimes, "emotionally drunk," its called. And it can take days, months, or years to shake off an "emotional hangover." This doesn't make any of us "bad" people. Most of us walking on the planet have somehow separated ourselves from Higher Power.
You have a lot on your plate, I completely sympathize with you because I have been there too. What actually worked for me was MEETINGS, MEETINGS, AND MORE MEETINGS... to upload new software, the old program was outdated and no longer working. I encourage you to try seven meetings in 7 days and see how you feel after that. I remember gushing to the group," I feel so floaty" and I began to join in with them, going out for "bottomless" french fries after the meeting, lol! Nothing outside of me had changed. But a shift had occurred inside of ME and I wanted "it" more and more.
I look forward to hearing more about YOU and the solutions you are practicing, just as your husband is practicing. You bringing that light of hope to the fellowship is how we help one another in Al-anon. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 26th of October 2016 09:36:50 AM
PatG1025 said
Oct 26, 2016
People in their early days of recovery from substance abuse/alcoholism are often very angry and frustrated. It is part of the process. My sponsor told me to stay out of it, get to meetings (Alanon meetings) work on myself, work the steps, and let the person who is in early recovery deal with his own issues. My husband did get a sponsor and went to meetings which helped a great deal. And I went to meetings and had a sponsor. The disease of alcoholism affects the entire family, we all need healing.
Fooled said
Oct 26, 2016
I had anesthesia today so I am not really going to go in much detail:
I understand there is anger and frustration is part of the early process.
I wish I could go to 7 Alanon meeting in 7 days, sadly there are only two in my area. I go to both.
I guess I wrote that wrong as I was not trying to make my husband or my son my focus. I was trying to explain a change of behavior I was noticing. He seems to be obsessing about the wrongdoings of my son. I ....me....told him I wanted him to focus on him and I...me was going to stay on my side of the street. MY son is on my side of the street.
I do understand he is not going to change overnight and neither am I.
What I am doing for me is staying with the scriptures, trying to learn about the disease, journal writing, going to what meetings I can the two in my area.
I am not familiar with being around a "dry drunk" but I appreciate your definition. Sorry I did not feel I gave to much personal information. A snipit of the last week. Its a change in behavior. I do not get involved in his IOP so its not like I can ask anybody there.
Thanks
MissM said
Oct 26, 2016
XA would focus on my daughter and point out every possible flaw at various stages. Trying to deflect focus onto her I guess (and thinking that it actually worked?) It's really hard when it's your child in the firing line; there's no way to detach from that and I often wondered if that was the actual motivation; he knew I couldn't passively stand back and do nothing about it so it was the perfect way to undermine my "detachment". Well, that was what i assumed; it's impossible to know another person's motives really. But I do know how difficult a line it is to walk and it's a dirty tactic as far as I'm concerned.
I found I needed to work backwards and remove any power I was allowing him to have as long as he was operating in a harmful way towards me; it's impossible to detach from someone really if they hold the power of decision making in your day to day life. So my way of approaching it would be, I won't have my son near him and I won't discuss my son with him for any reason....meet elsewhere etc. If there were any arrangements that meant he COULD insist on discussing my son with me then changing those arangements so that they didn't include A would be my next action. (Like financial arrangements etc) Detachment involved a lot of physical manouvering; it wasn't just a state of mind. When you've physically created the safest most autonomous environment that you can for yourself, then it's a lot easier I think.
Fooled said
Oct 27, 2016
Thank you MissM.
That is what I figured out to work best. I limit their contact. I have instructed my son to keep any conversations regarding him, his treatment for his addiction, any privileges between him and I. After RAH outburst I will not discuss anything related to my son with him. If he starts, I walk out of the room.
I hate not knowing the cause to this new behavior of RAH. Why he is focusing on my son? Deflection maybe. IDK.
Another question, RAH celebrated 30 days yesterday. I said I was happy for him. He said well I guess I will just be proud of myself then. I smiled and hugged him and said You should be. I hope I handled that right. Its hard to know how much to cross over to his side of the street during his achievements. I think he sees my detachment as a detachment from him and not his behaviors. I know I will make mistakes and I know I cannot be perfect but sometimes I just don't know how to handle certain situations as they come up.
MissM said
Oct 27, 2016
I think it helps to consider how much influence you think your actions/words have on his behaviour really. Truth to tell, it doesn't really matter how he sees your detachment, hence the awesome slogan 'what other people think of me is none of my business". It really isn't. If someone is in the habit of trying to manipulate us into taking responsibility for all of their actions and feelings, they're going to probably keep trying to do that until they realise at last that it just doesn't work anymore (by seeing it repeatedly fail to have an impact). By taking on so much responsibility for how you are 'making him feel' you're sort of helping him to keep that dynamic going if you see what I mean?
For me, just focusing on what I want and need and giving responses that I feel comfortable with and not allowing myself to then second guess them and not imagining how the other person MIGHT feel about them is the way to go. I did come to realise that often the way my qualifiers want me to THINK they feel isnt actually much like the way they actually DO feel because I've taught them that i am easy to manipulate this way so theres not actually much point trying to analyse how i think they feel or will feel about my actions. (I can easily find myself manipulating people in the same way too, it seems to be default behaviour for a lot of us on both sides of the fence).
Statements like 'I'm sorry you feel that way" or 'that sounds like its difficult for you" work well for me when someone is trying to draw me into negativity, and "I'm happy for you" is perfect for the opposite. It takes time for 2 people to get used to it when one of us retires as the emotional manager lol
Hugs.
pinkchip said
Oct 27, 2016
I used to fish for compliments from folks when I was early on in AA. Someone told me once "You don't get medals for doing things ordinary people do every day." That really burst my bubble. Seems simple. Your RAH is feeling like crap about himself and is wanting immediate rewards without earning them to get his esteem and respect back. You are doing well to just stay detached and hand his disease back to him.
Fooled said
Oct 27, 2016
Im going to have to remember that pinkchip Thank you.
Iamhere said
Oct 27, 2016
There is nothing wrong with being genuinely happy for another person's success. I know for me, my qualifiers once said, "You treat strangers in recovery nicer than you treat me." There was a bit of truth in that - when a new member would appear, I would introduce myself, offer a hug/hand shake, smile and speak softly, kindly and give them my phone number. When my qualifier would seek comfort, support or compliments, I let my anger for the disease over-shadow the true miracle of their efforts and accomplishments. I had to truly examine my motives during exchanges with my qualifiers, and sometimes 'act as if' they were not my children but instead another in recovery.
We do make a big deal out of days, weeks, months of sobriety in the rooms/around the table. I did not stand up and give a cheer or clap for my qualifiers, but I did tell them that I loved them, was proud of them and that I felt they were a miracle in progress, as it's truly miraculous to be/stay sober, one day at a time for any interval.
It took me a while to understand detaching vs. detaching with love. I do not consider it enabling in any way to give props to those who are finding success - in life, in program, etc. My youngest never got beyond 60 days. We got there many times. He's still active, doing his own 'thing'.....I had countless discussions with my sponsor over my resentments towards him/his choices. I finally found peace when I came to realize that how he is now is vastly greater than how he was before. He's worked for the same company for 2 years, always goes to work, pays most of his bills, and hasn't been arrested. These are miracles compared to what it was like, and I tell him often that I am still concerned about the substances he used, but I am so proud of his maturity and growth. I still have to realize my will won't ever win and I am powerless over others.
Fooled said
Oct 27, 2016
It is so hard sometimes and I appreciate the wisdom. Like him I have to learn as well.
Iamhere said
Oct 27, 2016
Suzann - exactly! There truly is no right/wrong answer most of the time - which is why we all get to heal/deal/learn/grow as we can! I hear you on 'hard' - it was a tough pill to swallow that my boys called me out for treating strangers better than them. I had some major amends to make once I became aware. I love, love, love - more will be revealed! Honestly if they had said it sooner, I may have debated....so the timing was the miracle in the story for me - I was open and HP helped me accept and respond instead....
(((Hugs)))
PatG1025 said
Oct 27, 2016
The alcoholic is a very sick person LONG after he quits drinking. Just ask us who are sober. It takes a long time to get rid of the alcohol stored in the body, the brain cells left in the brain are damaged, and there is nothing to replace the alcohol once a person gets sober.
Even if the alcoholic stops drinking and begins to do everything he is told to do: 7 meetings a week, call sponsor every day, and work the steps as soon as possible, there is a much better change that the alcoholic will feel better and be more available to his family, but that is the quick version. Sometimes a person doesn't feel normal until about a year of recovery.
I think the non-alcoholics/addicts expect people to get well too soon. They think that a month without alcohol you will get your husband back. I thought the same. But I didn't. And when I look at my own alcoholism and how long it took me to feel better, to be a worker among workers, and a family member among family, it was at least a year. But my husband went to Alanon because of me, and when he got sober I went to Alanon to keep me sane while living with him (alcoholics without a program and without their alcohol tend to be angry dry drunks.).
As they say, if I go into the woods 8 miles, I will have to retreat 8 miles. If someone drinks 10 years alcoholically, it sure won't be a month or two when someone becomes ok.
Fooled said
Oct 28, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
Suzann - exactly! There truly is no right/wrong answer most of the time - which is why we all get to heal/deal/learn/grow as we can! I hear you on 'hard' - it was a tough pill to swallow that my boys called me out for treating strangers better than them. I had some major amends to make once I became aware. I love, love, love - more will be revealed! Honestly if they had said it sooner, I may have debated....so the timing was the miracle in the story for me - I was open and HP helped me accept and respond instead....
(((Hugs)))
So true Iamhere when I finally realized I hadn't even forgiven my own father and I was then asked to forgive my husband is when it hit me. That statement was presented to me and in a very matter of fact manner and it was tough to swallow. Funny, how I can easily forgive my son, with each relapse. I hope my miracle is forgiveness. I know Im going to slip up and for once I don't have to be perfect and have control. That's such a relief.
Fooled said
Oct 28, 2016
Thank you for that. I think I might have to do some research on the recovery process of alcoholism. My RAH is so resistant to me attending an AA meetings so that I can understand his point of view. I find myself always looking for "is this normal" Maybe its the nurse in me. Maybe its just the learning curve of staying out of his recovery. My RAH has a 30 year drinking history. The most he has ever been sober when he was at sea for 90 days straight when he was in the Navy. The most my father was ever sober was the 3 months it took him to die of pancreatic cancer from his disease.
Iamhere said
Oct 28, 2016
Here is where I used to struggle with recovery....I wanted to be a part of the solution - after all, my qualifiers should engaged me as part of the chaos/drama so it was 'my right' to be a part of the solution. That's not true and it was selfish of me to think this way. It was tough for my sponsor to tell me that their recovery was not my business and no matter what I thought or what had happened in the past, they owed me nothing!
I know for me, early on in AA, I did not want others coming with me. I still had a ton of pain, shame, guilt, remorse and wasn't able to share my fears with those who thought they knew me best. Actually, one of my biggest fears getting sober was, "Will anyone still like me without alcohol?" I was fun, the life of the party, fearless, etc. with alcohol until I wasn't. Yet, it was all I'd ever known and it was all others had ever seen - the altered me.
HOW the program works = Honesty, Open-Mindedness & Willingness. Many in early recovery fear their own ability to be brutally honest with those we love close by. As painful as it is, respect any boundary they offer as part of their recovery. The reading today discusses treating others as we want to be treated - boundaries are a two-way street - we should respect them even if we don't understand or like them.
You can always find and attend an open-meeting of AA with/without your AH. In my experience, couples doing recovery separate in the beginning works much better than enmeshed efforts. Keep coming back and know that it's perfectly awesome to be imperfect!
Fooled said
Oct 28, 2016
That is a struggle ...wanting to be a part of the solution but in reality even owning up to your role in the problem doesn't mean you have to be a part of the solution. Its very confusing. I am so used to being the one that is consulted with and on top of things. Still even today when RAH again came at me about my son I tried to divert and call my side of the street and he countered back with its the same street. Ugh. Just when I think I am starting to gain ground I get spun around again.
My Rah is coming up on 30 days. He is going to IOP 3 nights per week. Is supposed to be doing on line meetings since he is not really able to walk. I don't think this is happening. However, Im sticking to my own side of the street.
Everyday until today he has been angry about something. How is he being mistreated. Most of this is directed towards my 24 year old polysubstance abusing son. He's angry at me for helping him again. He is today 10 days clean. He doesn't want him driving our car because of the insurance. Its ok though that my daughters boyfriend can drive it. He doesn't want him staying here temporarily because of all the rotten things he has done, lying stealing etc. But its ok that he did it.
Last night he had an outburst about it and I responded with stay on your own side of the street conversation. Which he passively aggressively responded with Fine, I wont say anything anymore. I wont even say I told you so when he does it again. But, by the time you let me on your side of the street I wont have any respect from anyone in this house.
Excuse me? Isnt respect earned?
What the heck is this?
Dear Friend,
In Al-anon meetings, "we share our own experience, strength, and hope, keeping the focus on ourselves and how the Al-anon program is helping us to change our attitudes and actions.
Our discussions center on solutions for our own difficulties.
We try not to tell other people's stories or repeat what we see or hear, always protecting one another's anyonymity, and the anonymity of Al-anon, Alateen and AA members, as well.
We concentrate on our own feelings and attitudes, rather than on the details of the situation.
Members leave other affiliations, such as other Twelve Step programs or professional resources, outside the meeting rooms.
It is suggested that Al-anon members avoid discussion of specific religious beliefs, or ideas, criticism of one another or the alcoholic, gossip, or revealing intimate details of their problems.
More detailed discussion may take place between meetings in private conversations with another member, or a personal sponsor."
This is from Al-anon's Service Manual, p. 40-41. I realize this is only a forum for Al-anon discussions, but can you see a spiritual benefit to this method?
In our literature it says, "They act. We react." and that is what I saw in your post. Seeking answers to the questions you pose will do nothing to help YOU because your focus is entirely on HIM, nearly every sentence. If you put your focus on YOU, you will begin to feel more control, that is how it worked for me. We begin to realize we are not helpless victims, waiting for them to improve. By focusing on him, you continue to volunteer for suffering. It doesnt matter if you stay married to this person or not, if you do not learn to focus on yourself, you will sadly take yourself with you into the next relationship, seeking outside of yourself for happiness...
Nothing makes me crazier than my outward focus where I have no power or control. Not only that, my Higher power really wants my attention!!! I had been making others my higher power, expecting others to be my source of happiness (idol-worship.) It was an idea that had to be smashed.
It looks like your husband is attempting a program of recovery. Can you understand that he is NOT going to change overnight? I absolutely relate to his predicament because in Al-anon, I couldn't change overnight either. It's like everything I had previously understood about life was a misperception and waking up from that nightmare is very sobering. What had to change? nearly everything, how frightening is that?!!
I would like to address the label of "dry drunk." (I actually hate labels.) What is it to be "dry?" It's still behaving in old dysfunctional ways.
So you can see that we all get drunk sometimes, "emotionally drunk," its called. And it can take days, months, or years to shake off an "emotional hangover." This doesn't make any of us "bad" people. Most of us walking on the planet have somehow separated ourselves from Higher Power.
You have a lot on your plate, I completely sympathize with you because I have been there too. What actually worked for me was MEETINGS, MEETINGS, AND MORE MEETINGS... to upload new software, the old program was outdated and no longer working. I encourage you to try seven meetings in 7 days and see how you feel after that. I remember gushing to the group," I feel so floaty" and I began to join in with them, going out for "bottomless" french fries after the meeting, lol! Nothing outside of me had changed. But a shift had occurred inside of ME and I wanted "it" more and more.
I look forward to hearing more about YOU and the solutions you are practicing, just as your husband is practicing. You bringing that light of hope to the fellowship is how we help one another in Al-anon. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 26th of October 2016 09:36:50 AM
I understand there is anger and frustration is part of the early process.
I wish I could go to 7 Alanon meeting in 7 days, sadly there are only two in my area. I go to both.
I guess I wrote that wrong as I was not trying to make my husband or my son my focus. I was trying to explain a change of behavior I was noticing. He seems to be obsessing about the wrongdoings of my son. I ....me....told him I wanted him to focus on him and I...me was going to stay on my side of the street. MY son is on my side of the street.
I do understand he is not going to change overnight and neither am I.
What I am doing for me is staying with the scriptures, trying to learn about the disease, journal writing, going to what meetings I can the two in my area.
I am not familiar with being around a "dry drunk" but I appreciate your definition. Sorry I did not feel I gave to much personal information. A snipit of the last week. Its a change in behavior. I do not get involved in his IOP so its not like I can ask anybody there.
Thanks
I found I needed to work backwards and remove any power I was allowing him to have as long as he was operating in a harmful way towards me; it's impossible to detach from someone really if they hold the power of decision making in your day to day life. So my way of approaching it would be, I won't have my son near him and I won't discuss my son with him for any reason....meet elsewhere etc. If there were any arrangements that meant he COULD insist on discussing my son with me then changing those arangements so that they didn't include A would be my next action. (Like financial arrangements etc) Detachment involved a lot of physical manouvering; it wasn't just a state of mind. When you've physically created the safest most autonomous environment that you can for yourself, then it's a lot easier I think.
That is what I figured out to work best. I limit their contact. I have instructed my son to keep any conversations regarding him, his treatment for his addiction, any privileges between him and I. After RAH outburst I will not discuss anything related to my son with him. If he starts, I walk out of the room.
I hate not knowing the cause to this new behavior of RAH. Why he is focusing on my son? Deflection maybe. IDK.
Another question, RAH celebrated 30 days yesterday. I said I was happy for him. He said well I guess I will just be proud of myself then. I smiled and hugged him and said You should be. I hope I handled that right. Its hard to know how much to cross over to his side of the street during his achievements. I think he sees my detachment as a detachment from him and not his behaviors. I know I will make mistakes and I know I cannot be perfect but sometimes I just don't know how to handle certain situations as they come up.
For me, just focusing on what I want and need and giving responses that I feel comfortable with and not allowing myself to then second guess them and not imagining how the other person MIGHT feel about them is the way to go. I did come to realise that often the way my qualifiers want me to THINK they feel isnt actually much like the way they actually DO feel because I've taught them that i am easy to manipulate this way so theres not actually much point trying to analyse how i think they feel or will feel about my actions. (I can easily find myself manipulating people in the same way too, it seems to be default behaviour for a lot of us on both sides of the fence).
Statements like 'I'm sorry you feel that way" or 'that sounds like its difficult for you" work well for me when someone is trying to draw me into negativity, and "I'm happy for you" is perfect for the opposite. It takes time for 2 people to get used to it when one of us retires as the emotional manager lol
Hugs.
We do make a big deal out of days, weeks, months of sobriety in the rooms/around the table. I did not stand up and give a cheer or clap for my qualifiers, but I did tell them that I loved them, was proud of them and that I felt they were a miracle in progress, as it's truly miraculous to be/stay sober, one day at a time for any interval.
It took me a while to understand detaching vs. detaching with love. I do not consider it enabling in any way to give props to those who are finding success - in life, in program, etc. My youngest never got beyond 60 days. We got there many times. He's still active, doing his own 'thing'.....I had countless discussions with my sponsor over my resentments towards him/his choices. I finally found peace when I came to realize that how he is now is vastly greater than how he was before. He's worked for the same company for 2 years, always goes to work, pays most of his bills, and hasn't been arrested. These are miracles compared to what it was like, and I tell him often that I am still concerned about the substances he used, but I am so proud of his maturity and growth. I still have to realize my will won't ever win and I am powerless over others.
(((Hugs)))
Even if the alcoholic stops drinking and begins to do everything he is told to do: 7 meetings a week, call sponsor every day, and work the steps as soon as possible, there is a much better change that the alcoholic will feel better and be more available to his family, but that is the quick version. Sometimes a person doesn't feel normal until about a year of recovery.
I think the non-alcoholics/addicts expect people to get well too soon. They think that a month without alcohol you will get your husband back. I thought the same. But I didn't. And when I look at my own alcoholism and how long it took me to feel better, to be a worker among workers, and a family member among family, it was at least a year. But my husband went to Alanon because of me, and when he got sober I went to Alanon to keep me sane while living with him (alcoholics without a program and without their alcohol tend to be angry dry drunks.).
As they say, if I go into the woods 8 miles, I will have to retreat 8 miles. If someone drinks 10 years alcoholically, it sure won't be a month or two when someone becomes ok.
So true Iamhere when I finally realized I hadn't even forgiven my own father and I was then asked to forgive my husband is when it hit me. That statement was presented to me and in a very matter of fact manner and it was tough to swallow. Funny, how I can easily forgive my son, with each relapse. I hope my miracle is forgiveness. I know Im going to slip up and for once I don't have to be perfect and have control. That's such a relief.
Thank you for that. I think I might have to do some research on the recovery process of alcoholism. My RAH is so resistant to me attending an AA meetings so that I can understand his point of view. I find myself always looking for "is this normal" Maybe its the nurse in me. Maybe its just the learning curve of staying out of his recovery. My RAH has a 30 year drinking history. The most he has ever been sober when he was at sea for 90 days straight when he was in the Navy. The most my father was ever sober was the 3 months it took him to die of pancreatic cancer from his disease.
I know for me, early on in AA, I did not want others coming with me. I still had a ton of pain, shame, guilt, remorse and wasn't able to share my fears with those who thought they knew me best. Actually, one of my biggest fears getting sober was, "Will anyone still like me without alcohol?" I was fun, the life of the party, fearless, etc. with alcohol until I wasn't. Yet, it was all I'd ever known and it was all others had ever seen - the altered me.
HOW the program works = Honesty, Open-Mindedness & Willingness. Many in early recovery fear their own ability to be brutally honest with those we love close by. As painful as it is, respect any boundary they offer as part of their recovery. The reading today discusses treating others as we want to be treated - boundaries are a two-way street - we should respect them even if we don't understand or like them.
You can always find and attend an open-meeting of AA with/without your AH. In my experience, couples doing recovery separate in the beginning works much better than enmeshed efforts. Keep coming back and know that it's perfectly awesome to be imperfect!