I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have lived together 5 years and have been married for less than 2. I have been living in a deep hole of denial for a very long time - to the point where I isolated myself, pushed others away and was unable to feel anything at all - just empty. Very heavy drinker, very angry at the world when he's not drinking, very nice when he is drinking. I was really zoned out and unhappy and contemplating leaving for the past 6 months or so. I finally "woke up" when I found that he had attempted to cheat on me (apparently she wasn't interested, which is one thing he told me that I actually do believe). In any case, that is something I never thought he would do and that made me realize how far gone this relationship truly is. I take responsibility for my part in that - I was checked out. When I found out I told him that I wanted to split up. A couple of days later I listened to my fear again (very bad habit of mine...) and we agreed to try and work it out. I made a commitment (to myself) to work on my issues, but I realize that he is not capable of meeting me halfway, even knowing that our relationship hinges on things changing. I have not been blaming him or giving him much reason to believe that he has a part to play in this - trying to focus on myself to a fault I suppose. He seems to think since I want to work it out that there is nothing for him to do to make it work. For the past couple of weeks, I have been going to 3 meetings a week. My emotions have been all over the place. I go through periods of feeling calm, feeling as if everything is going to work out and then feelings of intense anxiety, believing that I am lying to myself again by believing this will work. He is incredibly selfish and really not capable of admitting wrong and constantly blaming everything outside of himself for his problems. That is just a fact, not an attempt to put the blame outside of myself. I just recently learned what the term "gaslighting" means. Wow! You mean there's an actual term for why I was feeling so crazy? That immediately made me feel less crazy. Again, I take full responsibility for my part in this relationship. I chose to ignore red flags and deny that this wasn't a good idea because I let fear drive me. My problem right now is that now that I am no longer in denial I am feeling many emotions and sometimes all at once. It's overwhelming. I have long been aware of the language of twelve step programs. I just never thought it would help me because I was too uncomfortable at and afraid to speak in meetings. Recently I have talked a little bit at two meetings and the sky didn't fall so I am going to work through my fear of talking in a group. It's that pesky fear trying to drive me again and I am really getting tired of allowing it to run my life. I am going to a meeting tonight and I hope that I can talk (coherently) about where I am at right now and what I feel.
The logistics of this is what is really getting me. I make about 4x as much as he does (and I am not rich) and he will be in a really bad place financially without me (which, sadly, is I think why he wants to work it out to begin with). If I had enough money I would just find a place on my own and then let him know I was leaving in 30 days and then let him know that I will still pay my share of the rent for another 60 days. That would be an ideal scenario. That would give him time to find a place with the least amount of pressure. Any other scenario scares me. We originally were going to stay until the end of the lease in June. That's a long time to be together knowing that you will be splitting up. I wouldn't feel safe knowing that he would be doing everything he could to take care of himself and probably seeing me as the reason he has to be in such a bad place. He would most likely be vindictive and not nice to be around. But still, I want to do the right thing - knowing that the right thing by me is not 1st on his list of priorities. Is that co-dependent or am I just a decent person or am I fooling myself? I want to end this amicably but logistically, I don't know what that looks like. I don't want to put myself into a situation where I am less emotionally safe than I am now. He can be VERY angry (though not physically abusive) and I would be the object. I wonder if anyone else has anything to share about being in a similar situation and what they did to remove themselves. I am basically on my own in this. When I checked out and isolated I also pushed the few friends I did have away.
I know that I shouldn't/don't have to make any major decisions right away but this has been a long time coming and I know in my heart that it will be the best thing for me in the long run. I think my anxiety is based on finally "knowing" what is true, being no longer willing to deny it/myself. Deep breath.
Slogans that are helpful right now: Easy does it | One day at a time | First things first
Thanks for reading/"listening"
(having written the above, I realize I should probably start a journal since it was really helpful to organize my thoughts as cohesively as possible
Fancypants said
Oct 24, 2016
Hi Mercury! Writing definitely helps. I wonder if you could write what you would want to share in a meeting. Everyone is nonjudgental at the meetings I attend.
I wish you well and hope you can find the clarity and serenity you need to make the decisions that are best for you.
Iamhere said
Oct 24, 2016
Welcome to MIP Mercury! So glad you found us and so glad that you shared. You are certainly is the right place and Al-Anon saved my backside and my life. Keep coming back and know that there is help and hope in recovery!!
PrettyPink said
Oct 24, 2016
Mercury- your story is very similar to my own. Long term live in relationship. He wanted to get married, I held that at bay. I isolated myself from friends because I didn't want them to know the extent of his drinking. The relationship was deteriorating from the fights while he was drinking. The final straw for me was when I found out he was cheating with a woman at work. I didn't hesitate. I started making plans immediately to move out. I was out within two months and living on my own. 5 happy years now on my own. I made the right decision then.
But the story doesn't end there. He had kids that had come to think of me as their mother. I left him, but told the kids I would stay in their life as long as they wanted me. Which is why the story didn't end 5 years ago. Because I still see the kids, I saw him also about 5 months ago. Again he started to pursue me. I kept him at a distance for as long as I could but he has made his way back under my skin again, which is why I turned to these boards. Trying to follow my brain instead of my heart is hard. If it weren't for those kids, I am certain I would have easily stayed out of his life. But, I love the kids. Even having him back in my life at a distance has turned my peaceful, happy world upside down. I have no idea why I am so weak. I'm not a weak person. He is the first alcoholic that I knew, so I can't even blame it on going back to what I feel comfortable with, or grew up with. There is no reasonable explanation for my stupidity.
I do have something to comment on though. If I read your post correctly, he's mean when he is sober and happy when he is drunk??? This means that even if he gets help and stops drinking, you will just be left with the angry guy 100% of time? Yikes.
Cathyinaz said
Oct 24, 2016
You sound like me. Mine doesn't drink but is a very abusive and lazy. I thought he couldn't live without me. I felt sorry for him but to my own unhappiness for many years. I finally did it...I finally let go and I'm moving on to find my own happiness again.
I'm scared of being alone but to live with this man IS alone.
My anxiety is through the roof but I will get better
I worry about him but I can't worry no more.....he has never worried about me unless I wanted to leave in the past. Now it's final and he is not in a good place at the moment. Let's pray I get out without to much anger on his part.
He is in for a rude awakening when he has to live on his SSI which is not much. Like you I make X4 more money than him but you know what...he can go back to work if he needs money. I'm done with supporting him without anything in return. I can still work full time... SOOOO so can he if he so chooses.
Take care of you my friend you are not alone.
(( hugs ))
Junenine said
Oct 24, 2016
sending you understanding and wishing you strength. i can relate. "gas lighting" is a new term for me as well. hugs to you.
Green Eyes said
Oct 25, 2016
Hi Mercury,
Here is a post that I wrote in 2012 after deciding to leave my AH (he was unemployed at the time and living in our house of 25 years. I, on the other hand, had a well-paying job with great benefits when I decided to move out after dealing with his broken promises and his refusal to get help):
I'm ready to let 2012 go. This is the year that I decided to end my 30 year marriage to my AH. This has been one of the most difficult decisions that I have ever had make in my life and I am trusting in my HP to show me the way. Here is one of my favorite sayings that I ran across this year:
"In order to get to the other shore, you gotta lose sight of this one."
My HP has brought me to this day, he will get me through the days to come. Thank you for letting me share.
-Green Eyes
Mercury said
Oct 25, 2016
Thank you so much for all of your replies. I went to a meeting last night and the topic was anger. I talked about how I am angry at my fear and am getting tired of allowing it to run my life right now. It was really my first share where I talked about an actual feeling. I only spoke a couple of times briefly before talking about
At the last couple of meetings no one has raised their hand when the group moderator asks if anyone is willing to be a sponsor. I really need one! I feel really good before, during and after meetings but it only lasts about 12 hours. The rest of the time I feel I have no where to turn. That feeling leads to anxiety and major "stinkin thinkin". I would love to have someone I can tell my whole story to and who can just be a sounding board and/or lighthouse. I need to feed off someone else's strength. I need that connection.
@PrettyPink: Yes, I have come to find that I prefer him when he's drinking. I haven't made a huge effort to make him stop outside of drinking a little less, reminding him he can't afford it...I now realize that his drinking is not my problem. I'm my problem!! Yes, my heart and my mind are not on the same page either. I do love him and I wish like hell I didn't. He does have really good qualities along with those that I could do without. If he was all bad, this would be easier. I need to figure out a way to leave while being kind to both of us. Again, I just don't know what that looks like.
@GreenEyes: 30 years! Wow. That took a lot of courage. I also like the saying "The only way out is through". Slogans are helpful but without feeling connected to another person they don't seem to be helping me much. They remind me that anything is possible but I just am too new to really believe anything right now.
@ Cathyinaz: Best of luck to you. I admire your courage.
I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have lived together 5 years and have been married for less than 2. I have been living in a deep hole of denial for a very long time - to the point where I isolated myself, pushed others away and was unable to feel anything at all - just empty. Very heavy drinker, very angry at the world when he's not drinking, very nice when he is drinking. I was really zoned out and unhappy and contemplating leaving for the past 6 months or so. I finally "woke up" when I found that he had attempted to cheat on me (apparently she wasn't interested, which is one thing he told me that I actually do believe). In any case, that is something I never thought he would do and that made me realize how far gone this relationship truly is. I take responsibility for my part in that - I was checked out. When I found out I told him that I wanted to split up. A couple of days later I listened to my fear again (very bad habit of mine...) and we agreed to try and work it out. I made a commitment (to myself) to work on my issues, but I realize that he is not capable of meeting me halfway, even knowing that our relationship hinges on things changing. I have not been blaming him or giving him much reason to believe that he has a part to play in this - trying to focus on myself to a fault I suppose. He seems to think since I want to work it out that there is nothing for him to do to make it work. For the past couple of weeks, I have been going to 3 meetings a week. My emotions have been all over the place. I go through periods of feeling calm, feeling as if everything is going to work out and then feelings of intense anxiety, believing that I am lying to myself again by believing this will work. He is incredibly selfish and really not capable of admitting wrong and constantly blaming everything outside of himself for his problems. That is just a fact, not an attempt to put the blame outside of myself. I just recently learned what the term "gaslighting" means. Wow! You mean there's an actual term for why I was feeling so crazy? That immediately made me feel less crazy. Again, I take full responsibility for my part in this relationship. I chose to ignore red flags and deny that this wasn't a good idea because I let fear drive me. My problem right now is that now that I am no longer in denial I am feeling many emotions and sometimes all at once. It's overwhelming. I have long been aware of the language of twelve step programs. I just never thought it would help me because I was too uncomfortable at and afraid to speak in meetings. Recently I have talked a little bit at two meetings and the sky didn't fall so I am going to work through my fear of talking in a group. It's that pesky fear trying to drive me again and I am really getting tired of allowing it to run my life. I am going to a meeting tonight and I hope that I can talk (coherently) about where I am at right now and what I feel.
The logistics of this is what is really getting me. I make about 4x as much as he does (and I am not rich) and he will be in a really bad place financially without me (which, sadly, is I think why he wants to work it out to begin with). If I had enough money I would just find a place on my own and then let him know I was leaving in 30 days and then let him know that I will still pay my share of the rent for another 60 days. That would be an ideal scenario. That would give him time to find a place with the least amount of pressure. Any other scenario scares me. We originally were going to stay until the end of the lease in June. That's a long time to be together knowing that you will be splitting up. I wouldn't feel safe knowing that he would be doing everything he could to take care of himself and probably seeing me as the reason he has to be in such a bad place. He would most likely be vindictive and not nice to be around. But still, I want to do the right thing - knowing that the right thing by me is not 1st on his list of priorities. Is that co-dependent or am I just a decent person or am I fooling myself? I want to end this amicably but logistically, I don't know what that looks like. I don't want to put myself into a situation where I am less emotionally safe than I am now. He can be VERY angry (though not physically abusive) and I would be the object. I wonder if anyone else has anything to share about being in a similar situation and what they did to remove themselves. I am basically on my own in this. When I checked out and isolated I also pushed the few friends I did have away.
I know that I shouldn't/don't have to make any major decisions right away but this has been a long time coming and I know in my heart that it will be the best thing for me in the long run. I think my anxiety is based on finally "knowing" what is true, being no longer willing to deny it/myself. Deep breath.
Slogans that are helpful right now: Easy does it | One day at a time | First things first
Thanks for reading/"listening"
(having written the above, I realize I should probably start a journal since it was really helpful to organize my thoughts as cohesively as possible
Hi Mercury! Writing definitely helps. I wonder if you could write what you would want to share in a meeting. Everyone is nonjudgental at the meetings I attend.
I wish you well and hope you can find the clarity and serenity you need to make the decisions that are best for you.
I'm scared of being alone but to live with this man IS alone.
My anxiety is through the roof but I will get better
I worry about him but I can't worry no more.....he has never worried about me unless I wanted to leave in the past. Now it's final and he is not in a good place at the moment. Let's pray I get out without to much anger on his part.
He is in for a rude awakening when he has to live on his SSI which is not much. Like you I make X4 more money than him but you know what...he can go back to work if he needs money. I'm done with supporting him without anything in return. I can still work full time... SOOOO so can he if he so chooses.
Take care of you my friend you are not alone.
(( hugs ))
sending you understanding and wishing you strength. i can relate. "gas lighting" is a new term for me as well. hugs to you.
Here is a post that I wrote in 2012 after deciding to leave my AH (he was unemployed at the time and living in our house of 25 years. I, on the other hand, had a well-paying job with great benefits when I decided to move out after dealing with his broken promises and his refusal to get help):
I'm ready to let 2012 go. This is the year that I decided to end my 30 year marriage to my AH. This has been one of the most difficult decisions that I have ever had make in my life and I am trusting in my HP to show me the way. Here is one of my favorite sayings that I ran across this year:
"In order to get to the other shore, you gotta lose sight of this one."
My HP has brought me to this day, he will get me through the days to come. Thank you for letting me share.
-Green Eyes
At the last couple of meetings no one has raised their hand when the group moderator asks if anyone is willing to be a sponsor. I really need one! I feel really good before, during and after meetings but it only lasts about 12 hours. The rest of the time I feel I have no where to turn. That feeling leads to anxiety and major "stinkin thinkin". I would love to have someone I can tell my whole story to and who can just be a sounding board and/or lighthouse. I need to feed off someone else's strength. I need that connection.
@PrettyPink: Yes, I have come to find that I prefer him when he's drinking. I haven't made a huge effort to make him stop outside of drinking a little less, reminding him he can't afford it...I now realize that his drinking is not my problem. I'm my problem!! Yes, my heart and my mind are not on the same page either. I do love him and I wish like hell I didn't. He does have really good qualities along with those that I could do without. If he was all bad, this would be easier. I need to figure out a way to leave while being kind to both of us. Again, I just don't know what that looks like.
@GreenEyes: 30 years! Wow. That took a lot of courage. I also like the saying "The only way out is through". Slogans are helpful but without feeling connected to another person they don't seem to be helping me much. They remind me that anything is possible but I just am too new to really believe anything right now.
@ Cathyinaz: Best of luck to you. I admire your courage.
Thank you all for your encouragement!!