Hi all,
I am new to this. I guess I'm stupid, but I didn't realize my AH was an alcoholic until just recently. I knew he was having a drink or two after work but apparently he was hiding just how much vodka he was drinking. We are nurses and both work the night shift, but opposite rotations. I'm at work, he's home and vise versa. It was easy for him to hide it. I've been going crazy with the lies, the hiding of the bottles, the hurt and the anger. I can't live like this. I love him but how on earth does anyone manage to carry on a relationship with someone you know lies to you? I'm depressed and anxious most of the time. I'm a wreck. How do you live with an A? Am I supposed to act like nothing is wrong? I don't think I can accept alcoholism in my life. I want to help him but I know I cannot fix him. It's breaking my heart. I am looking into attending a local Alanon meeting. I've made an appointment with the Dr to try an antidepressant. Thank you for listening....
hotrod said
Oct 24, 2016
Welcome Nancydrew I do hear your concerns and understand. Being a nurse you know that Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless.
I am happy that you are looking into attending alanon face to face meetings because Alanon is a powerful support/ recovery program for family members who are living with of have lived with the insanity of the disease.
It is here I broke the terrible isolation I felt due to living with the disease and was given healthy constructive tools to live by. These helped to restore my self esteem and self worth as I practiced living one day at a time.
Keep comng back here as well You are not alone and there is hope.
PS Loved Nancy Drew books as a child. :)
Iamhere said
Oct 24, 2016
I too welcome you to MIP NancyDrew and also love your nickname! I too hear your concerns, and am sorry for the pain brought to you by the disease. It is cunning, baffling and powerful and is considered a family disease as it reaches beyond the diseased and affects almost all who love them or live with them. I too found support, help and hope in Al-Anon and it was there I learned that I was completely powerless over the disease and had to work on me - my attitudes, actions, reactions and distorted negative ways of trying to cope and control the disease.
Since you both are in the medical field, it may seem like logical thinking or even training might be able to make it easier....that's not always the case. There is no cure - only recovery, which we all face one day at a time.
I hope you will be gentle with you and seek support locally. You are not alone and we welcome you to keep coming back here.
(((Hugs)))
Junenine said
Oct 24, 2016
welcome, nancydrew - i'm new here as well. i relate to all you say. i have found meetings very helpful, especially lately since i'm in more of a crisis state. i'm trying to figure out what i can and can't live with as i've been lied to on a massive scale by my partner who i love but who has this disease. trying to figure out how (and sometimes if) to move forward in the relationship, what i need. not easy or simple. please take care of yourself and al-anon is a great place to find a support system of people who completely understand the phenomenon of alcoholism and what it does to the drinker and his/her loved ones.
Jerry F said
Oct 24, 2016
Aloha Nancy and welcome to the board...The lying is a symptom of on going fear and fear is the central emotional condition in alcoholism and it should be because of what the alcohol does to mind, body, spirit and emotions (including relationships). This is the nastiest disease on the face of this planet so we need each other to help each other get thru it and beyond.
You many not like the lying (and no one does) however expecting it to be present might lesson your own reactions to it and help you accept and think about solutions for yourself. The best of many solutions I used was the Al-Anon Family Groups as many here have also done. Al-Anon helps to heal the sick and damaged affected areas of my life and that is confirmed by many others nationally and internationally. We are recognized as having and creating solutions that so many others and other places have not considered or seen as being successful.
The literature of Al-Anon explains how this works and you have to get to the face to face groups or Al-Anon World Service to get it. I pray and hope you do because no one has to or needs to live thru what you are going thru. This works when you work it whether he continues to drink or not. Please keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Jazzie18 said
Oct 24, 2016
So good that you are looking into face - to - face meetings. These were such a source of support for me when my AH was drinking, and they continue to be a great support when he finally got sober. My AH did the same thing and hid most of his drinking from me. It use to drive me crazy asking him how much he had to drink and him lying saying only two when he was slurring his words. I used to search the house/the shed/his car for bottles and occasionally (when he would forget to throw them away) I would find them. That also made me crazy and I was so mad that he was lying to my face. After coming to Al-Anon I just realized it was a symptom of his disease (the secrecy and shame). I learned to stop asking so many questions and to not have these high expectations, i.e. that he wouldn't lie to my face. I did find it hard to live with an active A but once I started going to face-to-face meetings it helped to obtain some tools for lessening my anxiety and stress and dealing with my A. I also learned that I enabled him big time and once I learned to put up some healthy boundaries and finally let him deal with the consequences of his actions, he finally came to the realization that he was an A. Literature and books about the disease also helped as did speaking to a counselor and telling a few close family and friends. This disease is super isolating so once I let a few people know what was going on it felt like 200 pounds had been lifted off my back.
Sending positive thoughts your way. The biggest step is coming out of denial and reaching out for help.
Fooled said
Oct 25, 2016
Nancydrew
I completely understand how you are feeling. When I found out my RAH was an alcoholic and all the lies, relapses, betrayal etc. I felt the same way, how can I live like this.
What I have come to understand, the reality of your situation is currently you are in the midst of an addiction swamp. The swamp is full of the behaviors of the alcoholic; the lies, manipulation, hiding, and in my case infidelity. There is hope. You have two options here: you can say he was a good man and I miss this and this about him or he wasn't all that to begin with. Either way there is going to be an end to this. Either way you want to come out the other side of this soft. You don't want to be bitter and hard at the end of all this. I chose to stay in the swamp for now That is my choice. I continue to find a way every day so that he doesn't take my joy. I protect myself as much as I can, rely on my HP, and pray. Focus on whatever brings you joy.
I am happy that you are looking into attending alanon face to face meetings because Alanon is a powerful support/ recovery program for family members who are living with of have lived with the insanity of the disease.
It is here I broke the terrible isolation I felt due to living with the disease and was given healthy constructive tools to live by. These helped to restore my self esteem and self worth as I practiced living one day at a time.
Keep comng back here as well You are not alone and there is hope.
PS Loved Nancy Drew books as a child. :)
Since you both are in the medical field, it may seem like logical thinking or even training might be able to make it easier....that's not always the case. There is no cure - only recovery, which we all face one day at a time.
I hope you will be gentle with you and seek support locally. You are not alone and we welcome you to keep coming back here.
(((Hugs)))
welcome, nancydrew - i'm new here as well. i relate to all you say. i have found meetings very helpful, especially lately since i'm in more of a crisis state. i'm trying to figure out what i can and can't live with as i've been lied to on a massive scale by my partner who i love but who has this disease. trying to figure out how (and sometimes if) to move forward in the relationship, what i need. not easy or simple. please take care of yourself and al-anon is a great place to find a support system of people who completely understand the phenomenon of alcoholism and what it does to the drinker and his/her loved ones.
Aloha Nancy and welcome to the board...The lying is a symptom of on going fear and fear is the central emotional condition in alcoholism and it should be because of what the alcohol does to mind, body, spirit and emotions (including relationships). This is the nastiest disease on the face of this planet so we need each other to help each other get thru it and beyond.
You many not like the lying (and no one does) however expecting it to be present might lesson your own reactions to it and help you accept and think about solutions for yourself. The best of many solutions I used was the Al-Anon Family Groups as many here have also done. Al-Anon helps to heal the sick and damaged affected areas of my life and that is confirmed by many others nationally and internationally. We are recognized as having and creating solutions that so many others and other places have not considered or seen as being successful.
The literature of Al-Anon explains how this works and you have to get to the face to face groups or Al-Anon World Service to get it. I pray and hope you do because no one has to or needs to live thru what you are going thru. This works when you work it whether he continues to drink or not. Please keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Sending positive thoughts your way. The biggest step is coming out of denial and reaching out for help.
I completely understand how you are feeling. When I found out my RAH was an alcoholic and all the lies, relapses, betrayal etc. I felt the same way, how can I live like this.
What I have come to understand, the reality of your situation is currently you are in the midst of an addiction swamp. The swamp is full of the behaviors of the alcoholic; the lies, manipulation, hiding, and in my case infidelity. There is hope. You have two options here: you can say he was a good man and I miss this and this about him or he wasn't all that to begin with. Either way there is going to be an end to this. Either way you want to come out the other side of this soft. You don't want to be bitter and hard at the end of all this. I chose to stay in the swamp for now That is my choice. I continue to find a way every day so that he doesn't take my joy. I protect myself as much as I can, rely on my HP, and pray. Focus on whatever brings you joy.
Thoughts and prayers are with you