I'm a 43 year old female and all my life my father has drunk..I never ever knew my extended family growing up (who are very close knit) due to my fathers drinking habits he decided to cut everyone of his siblings and his parents out of his life never seeing that he was punishing me for his own failings. My mother was the best mother she could be to me see I think she has some mental problems so growing up around both these dysfunctional people made me grow up quicker. I have some very vague memories of certain things that happened in my childhood arguments fights knifes being pulled having my hair pulled being hit so hard by my father that it left a hand print on my backside and deciding at that point whilst staring in the mirror how could anyone do that to an innocent child. My mothers mental capacity gave my father the perfect excuse to get out of the house and drink all the more..she drove him INSANE!!! But everytime he went out he was willing for me to endure this INSANITY that was perfectly fine. I used to side with my dad as my mum was unbearable at times admittedly but as time passed on I went from being a dad's girl to not knowing who was right and who was wrong and now I only ever see my mother ..she was the one that brought me up on her own dispute all her issues (that are not her fault).
So over the years I have been willing to forgive and forget the past and clung on to the hope that one day my father will admit his short comings and admit he has a problem and apologise to me for everything he ever put me through ( like dangling me over the stairs and threatening to drop me). I can admit it to myself now my father abused me and he abused my mother to mentally, physically and emotionally.
So now he is dying..he chose to tell me this via a phone call whilst I was at work it was a brief call he said "im dying ive got cancer and 1-3 months to live, I dont want to see you and dont tell anyone ..dont tell your mother"...Well sorry if you dont want to see me why ring me? And why are you so wrapped up in the past?
I dont have any answers here and guess im just coming on to rant about it...so im currently carrying out my fathers last request not to see him oh and he begged me to go to his funeral..I guess that is for him and not for my benefit to show that he has at-least one family member that cares or that could be embarrassing but it is me that has to live with me at the end of the day so ill chose..everything always on his terms I have never done anything to this man and I feel like im being punished for well NOTHING really.
Sorry for going on and on and thanks for reading
hotrod said
Oct 23, 2016
Hello Kittenpea, Thank you for having the courage to reach out to share your pain with such honesty and clarity. i am extremely sorry to read of what you have experienced in your lifetime, and would like to assure you that you are not alone.i am also sorry to read that your father is dying as I know how painful that is to accept,
Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless . Alanon is a recovery program founded to help family members who live/lived with the insanity and cruelty of the disease. Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot lne number is in the white pages.
It is here that i broke the isolation caused by growing up with the disease and developed new tools to live by as I discarded negative unrealistic expectations of the world.
Alanon has established a program to help us deal with the negative happenings of the past so we can free ourselves from the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that is part of holding on to the past and so experience the joy and happiness in the present moment .
Please keep coming back here as well. There is hope
Prayers and positive thoughts for your famiiy
Iamhere said
Oct 23, 2016
Kittenpea - I too send you welcomes.....so sorry for your pain and all that you've been through. As Betty suggests, alcoholism is a disease and if not attended to, does progress. It's also considered a family disease as everyone is affected when they live with or love an alcoholic. I can also suggest Al-Anon - for me, it helped me heal/deal with the affects of the disease greatly - I found my peace and joy again, which had been missing for quite a while.
I do also encourage you to keep coming back here - you are not alone and there is help and hope in recovery. I'm also sending prayers for you all your family - positive thoughts too.
(((Hugs)))
Lucy125 said
Oct 23, 2016
Sorry Kitten. I am sorry you didn't have a extended family. I can related. Same thing happened with our drinker and he cut everyone out but the bottle. Sometimes, I see my relatives and think wouldn't it be nice to have them at Thansgiving, and then I think, what am I thinking? It would be nice, but just not with them. I am sorry he's dying. I am praying for you right now.
Calm Lady said
Oct 24, 2016
Welcome Kitten. So sorry to read what is going on in your life.
I relate to what you share, my parents cut us kids from seeing relatives too. Also when my alcoholic dad got terminal cancer, he told me to keep it secret. He wouldnt have told me except that I had driven him to see the specialist and I had insisted on sitting in on the meeting. All so sick. Also makes dealing with it far harder. Being told to keep it secret. Sending thoughts of support to you.
kittenpea said
Oct 24, 2016
Thank you for the kind words.
Me and my mother flee the house over 23 years ago. I did this after coming back off holiday with my boyfriend his dad was dropping me off my mother had gone out I knocked on the door and my dad came to the door absolutely steaming out of his face eyes glazed over and rambling incoherently I strained to make out the words but basically I got the gist of what he was saying he thought I was his wife my mother and he was going to paste me up and down the place I went back to the car and told my boyfriend and his dad to wait my dad was following me all over the house and ranting in my face then he started to get physical with me pushing me about I decided at that moment that if I stayed he was going to kill me. I ran out of the door with my suitcase and never ever went back.
My mum left shortly afterwards. My dad has now been married to another woman for going on 12 years ish ..according to her she has been his "savior" this is what I got from him and her whilst going to the house with my then 6 month old son ..he didnt drink no more???? He stopped going to the pub???? A very poinient phrase stuck out in my head words the came from her mouth " when I FOUND your dad he was in a mess the whites of his eyes were all yellow...he is ok now"......Well Im sure and I'm sure he wasnt..this woman has become almost his enabler as far as I can see and quiet likely she has a drink problem too. She sold her house and according to my dad "took out loads of policies" well im sure i wont be featured in any of those policies...I haven't been to see my dad since this day I have rung him on occasion and been completely cut off. I am an only child and this woman I feel married him for the house and the house alone..so not only have I been cheated out of a childhood an education an extended family having friends Ive also been cheated out of an inheritance.
I wrote my dying father a letter..he told me to that I must keep this secret to myself not to tell anyone I dont see why I should have that burned on my shoulders and carry the can for someone who never gave me anything. I guess I have been clinging on to a hope that he would apologise to me like I said. Ive given up all hope of that and yeah I forgive him. He has said he doesnt want to see me. This feels like I mean nothing to him and never have. But this woman is now texting me after saying she wouldn't ever contact me again.
I just want him to leave me alone now and I wont be going to his funeral. Alcohol must of really screwed with my dads head and distorted his perspective on everything.
hotrod said
Oct 24, 2016
Please search out alanon face to face meetings- you deserve the support.
PatG1025 said
Oct 28, 2016
Alcohol kills people mentally long before it kills them physically. I'm sorry your life was spent with the trauma of alcoholism. It is a hideous disease and affects the entire family and co-workers. When my husband died of cirrhosis of the liver, he was twenty years sober and had gone to a lot of meetings, worked his steps, and even sponsored others, yet the disease killed him anyway and his brain functions got less and less sharp in the last ten years of his life. Sometimes I wondered why I stayed with him, but we were a couple who met and married with alcohol.
My mom married three alcoholics. The alcoholic life is all I've ever known.
I would suggest going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and therapy with a therapist who specializes in alcoholism. Your parents and my parents did a lot of damage to us growing up, which we can and have passed on to our kids. The same was probably true of our parents being raised by alcoholics.
The cycle doesn't seem to stop even when the bottle gets out down or the alcoholic dies.
I'm a 43 year old female and all my life my father has drunk..I never ever knew my extended family growing up (who are very close knit) due to my fathers drinking habits he decided to cut everyone of his siblings and his parents out of his life never seeing that he was punishing me for his own failings. My mother was the best mother she could be to me see I think she has some mental problems so growing up around both these dysfunctional people made me grow up quicker. I have some very vague memories of certain things that happened in my childhood arguments fights knifes being pulled having my hair pulled being hit so hard by my father that it left a hand print on my backside and deciding at that point whilst staring in the mirror how could anyone do that to an innocent child. My mothers mental capacity gave my father the perfect excuse to get out of the house and drink all the more..she drove him INSANE!!! But everytime he went out he was willing for me to endure this INSANITY that was perfectly fine. I used to side with my dad as my mum was unbearable at times admittedly but as time passed on I went from being a dad's girl to not knowing who was right and who was wrong and now I only ever see my mother ..she was the one that brought me up on her own dispute all her issues (that are not her fault).
So over the years I have been willing to forgive and forget the past and clung on to the hope that one day my father will admit his short comings and admit he has a problem and apologise to me for everything he ever put me through ( like dangling me over the stairs and threatening to drop me). I can admit it to myself now my father abused me and he abused my mother to mentally, physically and emotionally.
So now he is dying..he chose to tell me this via a phone call whilst I was at work it was a brief call he said "im dying ive got cancer and 1-3 months to live, I dont want to see you and dont tell anyone ..dont tell your mother"...Well sorry if you dont want to see me why ring me? And why are you so wrapped up in the past?
I dont have any answers here and guess im just coming on to rant about it...so im currently carrying out my fathers last request not to see him oh and he begged me to go to his funeral..I guess that is for him and not for my benefit to show that he has at-least one family member that cares or that could be embarrassing but it is me that has to live with me at the end of the day so ill chose..everything always on his terms I have never done anything to this man and I feel like im being punished for well NOTHING really.
Sorry for going on and on and thanks for reading
Hello Kittenpea, Thank you for having the courage to reach out to share your pain with such honesty and clarity. i am extremely sorry to read of what you have experienced in your lifetime, and would like to assure you that you are not alone.i am also sorry to read that your father is dying as I know how painful that is to accept,
Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless . Alanon is a recovery program founded to help family members who live/lived with the insanity and cruelty of the disease. Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot lne number is in the white pages.
It is here that i broke the isolation caused by growing up with the disease and developed new tools to live by as I discarded negative unrealistic expectations of the world.
Alanon has established a program to help us deal with the negative happenings of the past so we can free ourselves from the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that is part of holding on to the past and so experience the joy and happiness in the present moment .
Please keep coming back here as well. There is hope
Prayers and positive thoughts for your famiiy
I do also encourage you to keep coming back here - you are not alone and there is help and hope in recovery. I'm also sending prayers for you all your family - positive thoughts too.
(((Hugs)))
Sorry Kitten. I am sorry you didn't have a extended family. I can related. Same thing happened with our drinker and he cut everyone out but the bottle. Sometimes, I see my relatives and think wouldn't it be nice to have them at Thansgiving, and then I think, what am I thinking? It would be nice, but just not with them. I am sorry he's dying. I am praying for you right now.
I relate to what you share, my parents cut us kids from seeing relatives too. Also when my alcoholic dad got terminal cancer, he told me to keep it secret. He wouldnt have told me except that I had driven him to see the specialist and I had insisted on sitting in on the meeting. All so sick. Also makes dealing with it far harder. Being told to keep it secret. Sending thoughts of support to you.
Thank you for the kind words.
Me and my mother flee the house over 23 years ago. I did this after coming back off holiday with my boyfriend his dad was dropping me off my mother had gone out I knocked on the door and my dad came to the door absolutely steaming out of his face eyes glazed over and rambling incoherently I strained to make out the words but basically I got the gist of what he was saying he thought I was his wife my mother and he was going to paste me up and down the place I went back to the car and told my boyfriend and his dad to wait my dad was following me all over the house and ranting in my face then he started to get physical with me pushing me about I decided at that moment that if I stayed he was going to kill me. I ran out of the door with my suitcase and never ever went back.
My mum left shortly afterwards. My dad has now been married to another woman for going on 12 years ish ..according to her she has been his "savior" this is what I got from him and her whilst going to the house with my then 6 month old son ..he didnt drink no more???? He stopped going to the pub???? A very poinient phrase stuck out in my head words the came from her mouth " when I FOUND your dad he was in a mess the whites of his eyes were all yellow...he is ok now"......Well Im sure and I'm sure he wasnt..this woman has become almost his enabler as far as I can see and quiet likely she has a drink problem too. She sold her house and according to my dad "took out loads of policies" well im sure i wont be featured in any of those policies...I haven't been to see my dad since this day I have rung him on occasion and been completely cut off. I am an only child and this woman I feel married him for the house and the house alone..so not only have I been cheated out of a childhood an education an extended family having friends Ive also been cheated out of an inheritance.
I wrote my dying father a letter..he told me to that I must keep this secret to myself not to tell anyone I dont see why I should have that burned on my shoulders and carry the can for someone who never gave me anything. I guess I have been clinging on to a hope that he would apologise to me like I said. Ive given up all hope of that and yeah I forgive him. He has said he doesnt want to see me. This feels like I mean nothing to him and never have. But this woman is now texting me after saying she wouldn't ever contact me again.
I just want him to leave me alone now and I wont be going to his funeral. Alcohol must of really screwed with my dads head and distorted his perspective on everything.
My mom married three alcoholics. The alcoholic life is all I've ever known.
I would suggest going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and therapy with a therapist who specializes in alcoholism. Your parents and my parents did a lot of damage to us growing up, which we can and have passed on to our kids. The same was probably true of our parents being raised by alcoholics.
The cycle doesn't seem to stop even when the bottle gets out down or the alcoholic dies.