Recent I have been really struggling with a myriad of things and I am seeking....something...I'm not certain I even know what. Perhaps support or perhaps peace...I'm not really sure.
My RAH is over 18 months sober and doing wonderfull in his program. I try to follow the AlAnon principles and to do some reading every day from Conference approved literature. I "had" been attending FTF meetings about 30 minutes away (once per week....that's all they meet) & I was trying to start working with a sponsor.
Throughout the last several months though, I have felt that my life was spinning out of control. My sponsor, although I believe she means well and does try, did not tend to want to talk at all, except once per week before a meeting (if she was going to go). Texts were also very limited and not often. I do believe, however, that she is a good person and does take sponsorship seriously (but also values her personal space quite heavily). I do not believe our lack of "clicking" is her fault or mine, but we were not a good match.
During this period of months, I have gained a good bit of weight, which I had lost for several years now. I am not at my heaviest, but am constantly in turmoil about this. It bothers me immensely, yet I "give up" daily without really putting in an effort at all.
Over the last several months, I have found myself dreading the meetings more and more and have found myself building resentments to my RAH for his "pressure" on my attendance and/or his pressure to find another group (which would be better for me I honestly believe). I did find a group this week, but actually attended "their last meeting" as the group is disbanding. At this "meeting", which was really only two ladies, then a third (called to come from my other meeting), I was asked why I was looking for another meeting. I tried very hard to be kind and explain that I felt the group was so very strict in its workings that we only ever read from the CAL, shared that we "enjoyed" the reading, and then left. Even expressing care & warm comments to a lady who recently experienced tragedy was cut off by the "moderator " as crosstalk and when I stayed after to speak to her about her loss, I (and others) were literally told it was time to go (because AA was even leaving). It was very strange and overly controlling, as our meetings tend to be "unless you are one of the chosen few". I love the ladies there for the most par, but feel it is impossible to find honesty and understanding when we simply do not speak at all except as "directed" by the moderator on the topic she has chosen. I even reached it bringing light refreshments for all to one meeting to help lift the oppressive environment, but the gesture was obviously not appreciated.
To move on, when I met with the ladies this week, I was asked these things and I tried to explain. I got through the comment about the meeting structure and was immediately "corrected" and told that the meeting simply stays true to AlAnon structure. I agreed that it did and expressed that I wanted more and I wanted to have fellowship. Again, I was shut down. I was lectured and then asked what issues I was having and asked a question or two, but the answers seemed cold and hollow. In particula, I has questions about boundaries. I explained that while I am very, very proud and supportive of my RAH, I see him very infrequently due to meetings and work and warned some insight out how to contin to support his recovery while meeting my own needs Of companionship and communication. I was immediately told the problem is me and I don't respect his boundaries. Perhaps that is true, I don't know. I feel like I respect him in every way and that I support all of his decisions. It became a very odd time and I felt "ganged up on" to the point I burst into literal sobs. I could barely catch my breath. My life is very hard (as are all of ours) and I am in constant physical pain. I often feel as if I am a burden to my family because I am slow, can't keep up, have to use my cane much of the time, cannot walk like they can, have to constantly take meds to control my conditions and things like that. One lady even went so far as to tell me her sister has cancer and is in a wheelchair and often does not want to go out, but that she tells her to get ready and she picks her up because her sister is not a burden. She (the sister) only thinks she is. Unless you live this, you simply cannot understand how hard it is to watch the people you love the most pretend to be ok with not doing the things they really want to do, just so they can keep you from feeling left out. You can tell when emotions are in conflict.
The "meeting" ended very quickly and I was left with the impression that I am not someone they want to be a part of the "group". This will be the last of these meetings anyway.
Perhaps I am feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I am lonely. Perhaps I expected something positive and that was too much, but I am no longer putting myself through this emotional toll. It is difficult to make the drive in the evenings anyway and is worse each week as winter approaches. I feel I get as much or more from my own studies and readings as I get from the meetings I have been attending, but I will honestly miss some of the lovely and wonderful women I have met in this group. I had hoped to find myself in a place of belonging, but instead I feel worse about myself each time I force myself to go.
I realize I did not ask specific questions or anything, but any ESH will be appreciated. I simply feel lost and am reaching out for ....something.
likemyheart said
Oct 23, 2016
My overwhelming thought as I read and re-read your post was - find a different meeting. There are meetings online here, and maybe other meetings you could find. Its not anyone's fault that the group isn't a good fit for you. I live in an extremely small town and resources are very limited especially considering my work schedule. I did the bulk of my recovering through online sources.
oceanpine said
Oct 23, 2016
(((doing my best))) ... I am sorry to hear you are struggling, and that you have not been able to get the information or support you are looking for. Maybe the group isn't a good fit, but that is never a good or uplifting feeling, especially when you feel the group shares some kind of unspoken feeling. I am a very sensitive person, and these kinds of things are hard for me. I've sometimes found, though, that there is no unspoken shared feeling, even though it sounds that way.
I'm sorry you are physically struggling too... I cannot imagine the things people go through who are physically constrained and struggle to keep up.
I also live in a very small town with few meetings. I often can't make them, because they are at dinnertime and I have 2 school-aged children, with their own needs. I wish I could attend online meetings here, but they are during the morning hour of getting the kids up and to school. For me, I have found some additional valuable support through forging one-on-one relationships with several of the women in my group. It is helped by bumping into them, or overlapping in other small town ways, but I also try to occasionally meet for coffee, or a chat, or call someone when I need the support or am struggling. Meetings fill some of my recovery needs, and literature fills others, but for me, one-on-one conversations where myself and one other person can safely explore a topic and go back and forth, often gives me the most insight. Just my own ESH.
Hang in there, and take care of yourself!
-- Edited by oceanpine on Monday 24th of October 2016 01:06:39 AM
hotrod said
Oct 23, 2016
Doing my best, I am sorry to read that you are having difficulty connecting with your sponsor and other Al-Anon members. I can identify with feeling like an outsider and wanting to change the meetings when I first arrived. I had a misconception that the meetings were primarily a social event and I was not comfortable with the format as it was unfamiliar and cold and thought that we should connect in a more supportive manner.
The first meeting I attended was the standard Al-Anon meeting where the opening would be read, the topic chosen, and the speaker selected, no cross talk was encouraged and we always directed to share on the topic of the day. I changed meetings and each meeting was run in the same fashion. There was little socialization, that I could see. When I obtained a sponsor, my first question was how do I change the meeting? She indicated that Al-Anon is a spiritual program set up for recovery from the disease of alcoholism. It is not a social network in which to develop friends. Many are able to develop lifelong friends from their interactions at the meeting, but that is not the primary aim of Al-Anon.
Recovery from the disease of alcoholism requires that we focus mainly on the tools and letting go of our own control. The program works. It has worked for a number of years. The format is tried-and-true. The traditions point out our choices. Tradition one indicates that our common welfare should come first personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity. Being United in our meetings means that we are there to pursue recovery from the disease of alcoholism and are willing to go to any lengths to do so
. Some meetings dou have potluck dinners and socials, but I do not attend any . I know in my regular Al-Anon meeting newcomers are welcome given free literature, as well as a beginners package and welcome to the meeting. Someone talks to them afterwards and suggested they keep coming back. We do not go out for coffee before or after the meeting. However, some people have made friends at the meeting and to stay to socialize after. If the room is booked then it is not possible to stay and socialize after.
I do believe that when I let go of any expectation at an Al-Anon meeting and kept an open mind I found help
Iamhere said
Oct 23, 2016
Doingmybest - (((Hugs))) to you....I too am sorry that you are not finding what you want/need in local Al-Anon meetings. The first place I went to just didn't feel right - a big part of it was me and my low self-esteem and self-worth. I gave up for a while, got sicker and sadder and then tried a different group. It felt better - I believe I was honestly at my bottom this time and was so drained and broken that it felt better because I was sicker/destroyed.
For me, meetings and local support are necessary. I had become so isolated that it wasn't what I wanted to do and given the choice, I would rather have not gone. But, I knew deep down that I needed to surround myself with other humans as I was shrinking away from society and reality. I am grateful that I got nudges here at MIP as well as from some others to keep going as it's become a big part of my recovery.
We do pot lucks, which I started at the group. Al-Anon does have traditions and I aligned with all before we started, making sure everyone felt included and a part of. I've been out socially, but I've been the one invited others. Again, I've done it so that anyone is included. I'll send you thoughts and prayers that you can find a way to work your recovery that allows you growth, peace and serenity.
Keep coming back - I too had to let go of my expectations and just appear with an open mind and heart.
Doingmybest said
Oct 23, 2016
Thank you to those ho provided ESH. I discussed my feelings with my RAH today and he agreed no more pressure....I go if and when I choose, without explanation. I am taking some time for myself for now and hope this time will give me some peace without pressure.
While I completely agree AlAnon is designed for the greater good ad should benefit the group, I als feel there is a dominant group that seems to over-discuss other members (as the group consensus is clearly noticeable at the next meeting).
For a while, I will rely on the CAL and on other sources. I have never even heard a speaker and will therefore seek out speaker materials for myself. I do not believe in forcing a square peg int a round hole, but I do believe AlAnon is a very, very good program that helps many.
I do not have a way to fully explain my feelings and will not defend my choices to anyone.
Again, thank you each for the ESH. I do appreciate it.
Fancypants said
Oct 23, 2016
I've found a lot of good speakers to listen to on youtube. They seemed to be recorded at various conferences and the stories are amazing. Hope you can find a group that you are comfortable at soon.
Jerry F said
Oct 23, 2016
I love the post Doing because it reminded me of me and the when and how I got here. I love to look back at all of the time and effort that had to come to pass in order for me to find the peace of mind and serenity I was promised from the start and I am sure what was promised was a whole lot different than how I pictured it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be that way because I was a newbie knowing nothing and not even knowing I wasn't knowing. It took me two rigorous trips thru the front doors of the AFG Central Valley California. I did a whole lot of head shaking at first until I was told to listen for the similarities and not the difference between the shares and my perception what it was like for me and when I was able to do that my head began to nod. I could hear God laugh and feel its smiles when that came about...I would start to learn. One of the most important things I needed to learn was that I was the newbie and knew nothing about the program and how it worked or was supposed to work The "Keep coming back" refrain at the end of the meetings was the most important suggestion for me and when I came to understand it I knew that when and if I followed it I would grow in understanding and peace of mind and serenity. I love to watch our program unfold even after 37years of participation enjoying the old affirmations and he new surprises that fulfill promises still waiting to unfold.
Keep coming back with and open mind is an invitation to a miracle.
I love your Avatar as it reminds me of how my culture started when they first set foot on this island. I take that personally as it was also the birth of my spirit. Mahalo (((((hugs)))))
Hello All,
Recent I have been really struggling with a myriad of things and I am seeking....something...I'm not certain I even know what. Perhaps support or perhaps peace...I'm not really sure.
My RAH is over 18 months sober and doing wonderfull in his program. I try to follow the AlAnon principles and to do some reading every day from Conference approved literature. I "had" been attending FTF meetings about 30 minutes away (once per week....that's all they meet) & I was trying to start working with a sponsor.
Throughout the last several months though, I have felt that my life was spinning out of control. My sponsor, although I believe she means well and does try, did not tend to want to talk at all, except once per week before a meeting (if she was going to go). Texts were also very limited and not often. I do believe, however, that she is a good person and does take sponsorship seriously (but also values her personal space quite heavily). I do not believe our lack of "clicking" is her fault or mine, but we were not a good match.
During this period of months, I have gained a good bit of weight, which I had lost for several years now. I am not at my heaviest, but am constantly in turmoil about this. It bothers me immensely, yet I "give up" daily without really putting in an effort at all.
Over the last several months, I have found myself dreading the meetings more and more and have found myself building resentments to my RAH for his "pressure" on my attendance and/or his pressure to find another group (which would be better for me I honestly believe). I did find a group this week, but actually attended "their last meeting" as the group is disbanding. At this "meeting", which was really only two ladies, then a third (called to come from my other meeting), I was asked why I was looking for another meeting. I tried very hard to be kind and explain that I felt the group was so very strict in its workings that we only ever read from the CAL, shared that we "enjoyed" the reading, and then left. Even expressing care & warm comments to a lady who recently experienced tragedy was cut off by the "moderator " as crosstalk and when I stayed after to speak to her about her loss, I (and others) were literally told it was time to go (because AA was even leaving). It was very strange and overly controlling, as our meetings tend to be "unless you are one of the chosen few". I love the ladies there for the most par, but feel it is impossible to find honesty and understanding when we simply do not speak at all except as "directed" by the moderator on the topic she has chosen. I even reached it bringing light refreshments for all to one meeting to help lift the oppressive environment, but the gesture was obviously not appreciated.
To move on, when I met with the ladies this week, I was asked these things and I tried to explain. I got through the comment about the meeting structure and was immediately "corrected" and told that the meeting simply stays true to AlAnon structure. I agreed that it did and expressed that I wanted more and I wanted to have fellowship. Again, I was shut down. I was lectured and then asked what issues I was having and asked a question or two, but the answers seemed cold and hollow. In particula, I has questions about boundaries. I explained that while I am very, very proud and supportive of my RAH, I see him very infrequently due to meetings and work and warned some insight out how to contin to support his recovery while meeting my own needs Of companionship and communication. I was immediately told the problem is me and I don't respect his boundaries. Perhaps that is true, I don't know. I feel like I respect him in every way and that I support all of his decisions. It became a very odd time and I felt "ganged up on" to the point I burst into literal sobs. I could barely catch my breath. My life is very hard (as are all of ours) and I am in constant physical pain. I often feel as if I am a burden to my family because I am slow, can't keep up, have to use my cane much of the time, cannot walk like they can, have to constantly take meds to control my conditions and things like that. One lady even went so far as to tell me her sister has cancer and is in a wheelchair and often does not want to go out, but that she tells her to get ready and she picks her up because her sister is not a burden. She (the sister) only thinks she is. Unless you live this, you simply cannot understand how hard it is to watch the people you love the most pretend to be ok with not doing the things they really want to do, just so they can keep you from feeling left out. You can tell when emotions are in conflict.
The "meeting" ended very quickly and I was left with the impression that I am not someone they want to be a part of the "group". This will be the last of these meetings anyway.
Perhaps I am feeling sorry for myself. Perhaps I am lonely. Perhaps I expected something positive and that was too much, but I am no longer putting myself through this emotional toll. It is difficult to make the drive in the evenings anyway and is worse each week as winter approaches. I feel I get as much or more from my own studies and readings as I get from the meetings I have been attending, but I will honestly miss some of the lovely and wonderful women I have met in this group. I had hoped to find myself in a place of belonging, but instead I feel worse about myself each time I force myself to go.
I realize I did not ask specific questions or anything, but any ESH will be appreciated. I simply feel lost and am reaching out for ....something.
(((doing my best))) ... I am sorry to hear you are struggling, and that you have not been able to get the information or support you are looking for. Maybe the group isn't a good fit, but that is never a good or uplifting feeling, especially when you feel the group shares some kind of unspoken feeling. I am a very sensitive person, and these kinds of things are hard for me. I've sometimes found, though, that there is no unspoken shared feeling, even though it sounds that way.
I'm sorry you are physically struggling too... I cannot imagine the things people go through who are physically constrained and struggle to keep up.
I also live in a very small town with few meetings. I often can't make them, because they are at dinnertime and I have 2 school-aged children, with their own needs. I wish I could attend online meetings here, but they are during the morning hour of getting the kids up and to school. For me, I have found some additional valuable support through forging one-on-one relationships with several of the women in my group. It is helped by bumping into them, or overlapping in other small town ways, but I also try to occasionally meet for coffee, or a chat, or call someone when I need the support or am struggling. Meetings fill some of my recovery needs, and literature fills others, but for me, one-on-one conversations where myself and one other person can safely explore a topic and go back and forth, often gives me the most insight. Just my own ESH.
Hang in there, and take care of yourself!
-- Edited by oceanpine on Monday 24th of October 2016 01:06:39 AM
Doing my best, I am sorry to read that you are having difficulty connecting with your sponsor and other Al-Anon members. I can identify with feeling like an outsider and wanting to change the meetings when I first arrived. I had a misconception that the meetings were primarily a social event and I was not comfortable with the format as it was unfamiliar and cold and thought that we should connect in a more supportive manner.
The first meeting I attended was the standard Al-Anon meeting where the opening would be read, the topic chosen, and the speaker selected, no cross talk was encouraged and we always directed to share on the topic of the day. I changed meetings and each meeting was run in the same fashion. There was little socialization, that I could see. When I obtained a sponsor, my first question was how do I change the meeting? She indicated that Al-Anon is a spiritual program set up for recovery from the disease of alcoholism. It is not a social network in which to develop friends. Many are able to develop lifelong friends from their interactions at the meeting, but that is not the primary aim of Al-Anon.
Recovery from the disease of alcoholism requires that we focus mainly on the tools and letting go of our own control. The program works. It has worked for a number of years. The format is tried-and-true. The traditions point out our choices. Tradition one indicates that our common welfare should come first personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity. Being United in our meetings means that we are there to pursue recovery from the disease of alcoholism and are willing to go to any lengths to do so
. Some meetings dou have potluck dinners and socials, but I do not attend any . I know in my regular Al-Anon meeting newcomers are welcome given free literature, as well as a beginners package and welcome to the meeting. Someone talks to them afterwards and suggested they keep coming back. We do not go out for coffee before or after the meeting. However, some people have made friends at the meeting and to stay to socialize after. If the room is booked then it is not possible to stay and socialize after.
I do believe that when I let go of any expectation at an Al-Anon meeting and kept an open mind I found help
For me, meetings and local support are necessary. I had become so isolated that it wasn't what I wanted to do and given the choice, I would rather have not gone. But, I knew deep down that I needed to surround myself with other humans as I was shrinking away from society and reality. I am grateful that I got nudges here at MIP as well as from some others to keep going as it's become a big part of my recovery.
We do pot lucks, which I started at the group. Al-Anon does have traditions and I aligned with all before we started, making sure everyone felt included and a part of. I've been out socially, but I've been the one invited others. Again, I've done it so that anyone is included. I'll send you thoughts and prayers that you can find a way to work your recovery that allows you growth, peace and serenity.
Keep coming back - I too had to let go of my expectations and just appear with an open mind and heart.
While I completely agree AlAnon is designed for the greater good ad should benefit the group, I als feel there is a dominant group that seems to over-discuss other members (as the group consensus is clearly noticeable at the next meeting).
For a while, I will rely on the CAL and on other sources. I have never even heard a speaker and will therefore seek out speaker materials for myself. I do not believe in forcing a square peg int a round hole, but I do believe AlAnon is a very, very good program that helps many.
I do not have a way to fully explain my feelings and will not defend my choices to anyone.
Again, thank you each for the ESH. I do appreciate it.
I've found a lot of good speakers to listen to on youtube. They seemed to be recorded at various conferences and the stories are amazing. Hope you can find a group that you are comfortable at soon.
I love the post Doing because it reminded me of me and the when and how I got here. I love to look back at all of the time and effort that had to come to pass in order for me to find the peace of mind and serenity I was promised from the start and I am sure what was promised was a whole lot different than how I pictured it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be that way because I was a newbie knowing nothing and not even knowing I wasn't knowing. It took me two rigorous trips thru the front doors of the AFG Central Valley California. I did a whole lot of head shaking at first until I was told to listen for the similarities and not the difference between the shares and my perception what it was like for me and when I was able to do that my head began to nod. I could hear God laugh and feel its smiles when that came about...I would start to learn. One of the most important things I needed to learn was that I was the newbie and knew nothing about the program and how it worked or was supposed to work The "Keep coming back" refrain at the end of the meetings was the most important suggestion for me and when I came to understand it I knew that when and if I followed it I would grow in understanding and peace of mind and serenity. I love to watch our program unfold even after 37years of participation enjoying the old affirmations and he new surprises that fulfill promises still waiting to unfold.
Keep coming back with and open mind is an invitation to a miracle.
I love your Avatar as it reminds me of how my culture started when they first set foot on this island. I take that personally as it was also the birth of my spirit. Mahalo (((((hugs)))))