By the grace of our program, in the last few days I have become aware of more of my layer of denial falling away. A sense of seeing the world from a more realistic stand point. I feel a little nervous about it but very pleased.
Dealing with people, places and things kind of feels more real and connected now.
I also see that I can control how I want to behave with them all. How I choose to react or respond. Whether I make the decision to get involved or not. What my motives are, determines to me if i want to be involved. I mentally check I about not trying to rescue, save, people please, distract myself. That my motives are what my Al-anon program suggests are a good way to live.
I like it. Yes, scary but that's ok.
God been giving me a mixture of happenings to practice on. Thankfully. A friend unwell. I was able to practice gently offering help rather like riding in on my white horse!!! Taking over! Which is about me not offering genuine help.
Also other practices of people with the character traits that set of all the triggers in me that would have had me regressing to 10 year old child in seconds appeared briefly in my life. I had the chance to practise interacting with them in a calm adult way. Pleased with how it went.
I could feel the pull to respond to them in my old way. Felt it, make the adult decision not to act on it. And didn't. It felt good. Did not get hooked in. Thank you Al-anon.
I expect as I practice and as time goes on, the pull will lessen. Go altogether. The new me will just BE. How lovely.
I like that God brings practice situations for me. My spirit grows each time I practice.
a4l said
Oct 22, 2016
Thankyou for the beautiful share. I like the gentle insight evidenced with familiar people, places and things and can so relate to taking over and being taken over! It cheers me to see change in action, reminds me its always possible. Enjoy your day Calm Lady and keep on keeping on!
hotrod said
Oct 22, 2016
Calm Lady. I agree the gradual falling away of "denial"is indeed a powerful experience. I fond that this did not happen until I was ready and already had new constructive tools to use to replace it. Keep practicing.:)
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
Many thanks for your kind responses, A41 & Betty. I am experiencing it as a very gentle and gradual reveal. Little layers coming away at a time.
I very much feel I could not cope with it happening quickly or all at once.
I am so different now, so sensitive. Feel even the slightest thing. A complete reverse on the numb, shutdown person I was for decades.
This morning God gave me another practise opportunity. To practise me no longer people pleasing. A woman said something to me that felt like she was pushing me 'people please' button. The one that when pushed, I will obliging trot out what they want me to say to make them feel good, regardless of whether I feel what I am saying is true.
So button pushed. I paused. Gave polite honest answer! Was quickly obvious was not the answer the lady wanted from me. She wanted reassurance that she had done her job towards me well. She hadn't. I didn't lie to make her feel better.
I would have been very disappointed in myself if I had lied.
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
It's odd, I could lie without thought before. I didn't see it as lying, I saw it as being nice to people. Telling them what they wanted to hear. I thought this was just what we were meant to do. Also that was normal to tell a different version of things to different people.
Exhausting way to live.
Truth is so much easier. I like being this way now.
I hashed this out with my sponsor some time ago. What a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Clean slate and am keeping it that way. Smile.
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
I recently read here with great surprise that it ok to politely say to people to mind their own business. Jerry mentioned it, if I remember rightly. I read the post several times. Couldn't take it in.
But yes, of course we have. I see that now.
More learning for me.
I also have realised that if someone is taking loudly in your face, it is ok to politely ask them to lower their voice!
Iamhere said
Oct 22, 2016
Calm Lady and all - great shares and post.....I so love to 'see' the awareness, acceptance and then action in play. I can so relate to it all and this just makes me even more grateful for our program, our fellowship and our tools. It does work - so, so well - when we work it!
(((Hugs))) to all!
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
Thank you, IAH. Yes, it does work. Miracles happen.
Coming from a childhood home run on alcoholism, untreated Al-anonism, lies, stealing, infidelity etc, I was aware that I didn't have a healthy view of character defects and assets.
What I found very helpful was looking up online a list of defects and assets in relation to 12 step work. Then worked through them with my glorious sponsor. Very very well spent time.
As well as helping me with mine, it also helped me learn to be aware when people were treating me badly. Often I did not realise. Especially men, I thought it normal for them to be disrespectful, swear when talking to me, critical, expect a lot off me etc.
Iamhere said
Oct 22, 2016
I agree Calm Lady.....I have found courage lately to have phoned both of my sons after a discussion where they dominated greatly. After I hung up and processed, I was nudged to call back and speak my truth. I was given the grace to share with each of them in different scenarios my truth - I am your mother...no matter what you want or think, I will always worry. I apologize if my concern for you offends you, but it's my truth. It is what it is and I love you deeply.
They are quick-tempered young men, and tend to shut me down when I share my feelings. I typically let it all go and just pray for them. For whatever reason - peeling, HP-message, other or D - all of the above, I called each of them back and calmly shared my truth. It felt good and we agreed to disagree about a few things as adults with respect.
I am trying to teach my 'men' to be better, do better and want better. Time will tell how that goes, but I am grateful for speaking my truth!
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
Very good to read your share, IAH. Thank you.
I found once aware of the disrespect or rudeness shown to me by men, I had to shut it down for my own self respect. I could not tourists tolerate it. I find just looking them in the face when they say something sexist, vulgar, rude etc works very well. They are expecting me to laugh like they are hilarious or respond as if they are flattering me. A blank look seems to deal with it well, they normally get uncomfortable and backtrack.
When growing up, as a little kid and teen, my parents had me and my sister around lots of drunk middle aged men. Their friends. What were my parents thinking. Drunks ogling young girls, sly touches. Inappropriate comments. Anyway so I grew up thinking this normal.
I hear you about your sons. Quick tempered men who don't want to listen to you. They dominate and over talk. These are also things I cannot, will not tolerate anymore.
I treat people nicely, I listen, I don't over talk. I expect the same back.
Icing on the cake is (excuse this in advance) is so called adult men who pass wind loudly and think it is clever and look to me for a round of applause.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 01:37:48 PM
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
I am very much finding my response to everything is changing my world. As we know we can't change others but we can certainly change ourselves in what we do and how we respond.
Go, us!
Yesterday a neighbour who is unwell asked me in to sit with her. Without even thinking I said no thanks. She chain smokes. No way am I sitting with someone chain smoking, me breathing it in and also it stinking out my clothes.
Not so long ago, I would have felt I could not say no. I would have sat there and suffered it.
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
I can see that I taught AH to treat me disrespectfully as I had no self respect.
Iamhere said
Oct 22, 2016
I did as well Calm Lady......as I've been unwilling to tolerate his learned behavior and learned to detach with love, he has actually become more humane most of the time. I still stand in awe sometimes that by changing me - how I think, listen, respond (vs. react) and seek to understand - people/life improves.
It's been true for me that the more peace I seek through self-change, steps, tools, etc. the more peace I get and see around me.
Gotta love the benefits of recovery - right?
Calm Lady said
Oct 23, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
I did as well Calm Lady......as I've been unwilling to tolerate his learned behavior and learned to detach with love, he has actually become more humane most of the time. I still stand in awe sometimes that by changing me - how I think, listen, respond (vs. react) and seek to understand - people/life improves.
It's been true for me that the more peace I seek through self-change, steps, tools, etc. the more peace I get and see around me.
Gotta love the benefits of recovery - right?
Beautiful share, IAH. Thank you. This is exactly how it has been and is ongoing for me. As I value and respect myself more and therefore change my behaviour, AH is responding differently and adapting to the new me. So his treatment of me is improving greatly.
Change yourself and truly the world changes around you.
He has also stopped reacting, he too now pauses to think. He responds with care rather than knee jerk. I refer to when he is sober, when drunk he isn't able to of course but that's actually usually ok as I am not in the room or if I am and the drunk stuff starts, I go.
I can now see I treated myself so harshly, no self love, no care, I allowed myself to be in frightening situations. Around people who frightened me.
Once I started loving myself, i automatically started moving away from frightening people.
There is a lovely long list of things I no longer subject myself to. There is a growing list is what things I do enjoy and take part in.
We are having bits of work done on our home. Prior to recovery, I attracted loud, careless, bush bash bosh type builders and trades people. I notice that all the recent people we have had in are professional, quiet, focused people. Who do a lovely and long lasting in! So different.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 23rd of October 2016 12:44:07 AM
Calm Lady said
Oct 23, 2016
Gosh lots pouring out of me. Expanding on the above, I can now see I taught everyone I have encountered as a adult how to treat me.
I can see that as a child I had no control how adults treated me. However once an adult myself, it was me who taught people how to treat me. I taught them that I had no boundaries, no limits, no sense of self, that I was easily led, and on and on.
So thankful that today i am changing that in myself.
el-cee said
Oct 23, 2016
Thanks for the share, your growth is really lovely to watch. it is like layers, like qn onion denial peeling away and in its place the truth and then freedom x
Iamhere said
Oct 23, 2016
I can so relate Calm Lady.....The gift of recovery and working this program changed so many views I had held onto for so, so long. I agree that I taught others how to treat me as an adult. I also agree that as a child, I didn't have control over how things happened. The program told me to stop blaming/shaming my parents, brothers, the disease, etc. and use my experiences - good and bad - to grow, change and redefine who I am as an adult.
I am so grateful for the 'do-over' and the release of my baggage from my distorted thinking/views. I am truly grateful at every level of my being for my life, good and bad, as everything had to happen for me to arrive and thrive where I am today. I no longer have to be right and I love living one day at a time. My life is far from perfect, however it's a great life for me. It's so refreshing to accept myself and others as imperfect and know I have the freedom of choice on how to proceed.
Layers and layers seem to peel away in recovery. I love how spiritual growth brings more serenity. I truly do not get too excited any more about any thing. During my trip this week while hanging with my girlfriend, my youngest called me in a panic thinking he was having a heart attack. I was out of town; my husband was golfing. I listened calmly and suggested a couple of ideas. He called 911, and they came out and told him he was having a panic attack.
My girlfriend with cancer was very, very worried. I calmly explained to her that he freaks out a bit and she just kept suggesting how calm I was. I didn't even realize until the drive home that I was calm because that's exactly what I was supposed to be. If I had reacted with panic, it just would have been worse. Of course, a part of me wondered what on earth he was 'on' because he's active. However, logic prevailed for me as it was mid-day and he works nights. He truly woke up from a dead sleep having a full fledged panic attack while still in bed.
The disease wanted me to react and blame his choices on his condition. The disease wanted me to panic, over-react, depart from my visit and drive like a lunatic home to save him. My HP had a completely different plan and it was so much better!!
(((Hugs)))
Calm Lady said
Oct 23, 2016
Warm thanks to you both, El-Cee and IAmHere.
Glad you are sharing this journey with me.
I love not over reacting now. Staying calm. I then feel like a useful, productive human being instead of a hindrance! Wonderful feeling
Yes, I have compassion for my mum and dad. Also both products of alcoholic upbringings. Goes back many generations in my family. I want it to stop with me.
Good morning, all lovely Al-anon friends.
By the grace of our program, in the last few days I have become aware of more of my layer of denial falling away. A sense of seeing the world from a more realistic stand point. I feel a little nervous about it but very pleased.
Dealing with people, places and things kind of feels more real and connected now.
I also see that I can control how I want to behave with them all. How I choose to react or respond. Whether I make the decision to get involved or not. What my motives are, determines to me if i want to be involved. I mentally check I about not trying to rescue, save, people please, distract myself. That my motives are what my Al-anon program suggests are a good way to live.
I like it. Yes, scary but that's ok.
God been giving me a mixture of happenings to practice on. Thankfully. A friend unwell. I was able to practice gently offering help rather like riding in on my white horse!!! Taking over! Which is about me not offering genuine help.
Also other practices of people with the character traits that set of all the triggers in me that would have had me regressing to 10 year old child in seconds appeared briefly in my life. I had the chance to practise interacting with them in a calm adult way. Pleased with how it went.
I could feel the pull to respond to them in my old way. Felt it, make the adult decision not to act on it. And didn't. It felt good. Did not get hooked in. Thank you Al-anon.
I expect as I practice and as time goes on, the pull will lessen. Go altogether. The new me will just BE. How lovely.
I like that God brings practice situations for me. My spirit grows each time I practice.
I very much feel I could not cope with it happening quickly or all at once.
I am so different now, so sensitive. Feel even the slightest thing. A complete reverse on the numb, shutdown person I was for decades.
This morning God gave me another practise opportunity. To practise me no longer people pleasing. A woman said something to me that felt like she was pushing me 'people please' button. The one that when pushed, I will obliging trot out what they want me to say to make them feel good, regardless of whether I feel what I am saying is true.
So button pushed. I paused. Gave polite honest answer! Was quickly obvious was not the answer the lady wanted from me. She wanted reassurance that she had done her job towards me well. She hadn't. I didn't lie to make her feel better.
I would have been very disappointed in myself if I had lied.
Exhausting way to live.
Truth is so much easier. I like being this way now.
I hashed this out with my sponsor some time ago. What a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Clean slate and am keeping it that way. Smile.
But yes, of course we have. I see that now.
More learning for me.
I also have realised that if someone is taking loudly in your face, it is ok to politely ask them to lower their voice!
(((Hugs))) to all!
Coming from a childhood home run on alcoholism, untreated Al-anonism, lies, stealing, infidelity etc, I was aware that I didn't have a healthy view of character defects and assets.
What I found very helpful was looking up online a list of defects and assets in relation to 12 step work. Then worked through them with my glorious sponsor. Very very well spent time.
As well as helping me with mine, it also helped me learn to be aware when people were treating me badly. Often I did not realise. Especially men, I thought it normal for them to be disrespectful, swear when talking to me, critical, expect a lot off me etc.
They are quick-tempered young men, and tend to shut me down when I share my feelings. I typically let it all go and just pray for them. For whatever reason - peeling, HP-message, other or D - all of the above, I called each of them back and calmly shared my truth. It felt good and we agreed to disagree about a few things as adults with respect.
I am trying to teach my 'men' to be better, do better and want better. Time will tell how that goes, but I am grateful for speaking my truth!
Very good to read your share, IAH. Thank you.
I found once aware of the disrespect or rudeness shown to me by men, I had to shut it down for my own self respect. I could not tourists tolerate it. I find just looking them in the face when they say something sexist, vulgar, rude etc works very well. They are expecting me to laugh like they are hilarious or respond as if they are flattering me. A blank look seems to deal with it well, they normally get uncomfortable and backtrack.
When growing up, as a little kid and teen, my parents had me and my sister around lots of drunk middle aged men. Their friends. What were my parents thinking. Drunks ogling young girls, sly touches. Inappropriate comments. Anyway so I grew up thinking this normal.
I hear you about your sons. Quick tempered men who don't want to listen to you. They dominate and over talk. These are also things I cannot, will not tolerate anymore.
I treat people nicely, I listen, I don't over talk. I expect the same back.
Icing on the cake is (excuse this in advance) is so called adult men who pass wind loudly and think it is clever and look to me for a round of applause.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 01:37:48 PM
Go, us!
Yesterday a neighbour who is unwell asked me in to sit with her. Without even thinking I said no thanks. She chain smokes. No way am I sitting with someone chain smoking, me breathing it in and also it stinking out my clothes.
Not so long ago, I would have felt I could not say no. I would have sat there and suffered it.
It's been true for me that the more peace I seek through self-change, steps, tools, etc. the more peace I get and see around me.
Gotta love the benefits of recovery - right?
Beautiful share, IAH. Thank you. This is exactly how it has been and is ongoing for me. As I value and respect myself more and therefore change my behaviour, AH is responding differently and adapting to the new me. So his treatment of me is improving greatly.
Change yourself and truly the world changes around you.
He has also stopped reacting, he too now pauses to think. He responds with care rather than knee jerk. I refer to when he is sober, when drunk he isn't able to of course but that's actually usually ok as I am not in the room or if I am and the drunk stuff starts, I go.
I can now see I treated myself so harshly, no self love, no care, I allowed myself to be in frightening situations. Around people who frightened me.
Once I started loving myself, i automatically started moving away from frightening people.
There is a lovely long list of things I no longer subject myself to. There is a growing list is what things I do enjoy and take part in.
We are having bits of work done on our home. Prior to recovery, I attracted loud, careless, bush bash bosh type builders and trades people. I notice that all the recent people we have had in are professional, quiet, focused people. Who do a lovely and long lasting in! So different.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Sunday 23rd of October 2016 12:44:07 AM
I can see that as a child I had no control how adults treated me. However once an adult myself, it was me who taught people how to treat me. I taught them that I had no boundaries, no limits, no sense of self, that I was easily led, and on and on.
So thankful that today i am changing that in myself.
Thanks for the share, your growth is really lovely to watch. it is like layers, like qn onion denial peeling away and in its place the truth and then freedom x
I am so grateful for the 'do-over' and the release of my baggage from my distorted thinking/views. I am truly grateful at every level of my being for my life, good and bad, as everything had to happen for me to arrive and thrive where I am today. I no longer have to be right and I love living one day at a time. My life is far from perfect, however it's a great life for me. It's so refreshing to accept myself and others as imperfect and know I have the freedom of choice on how to proceed.
Layers and layers seem to peel away in recovery. I love how spiritual growth brings more serenity. I truly do not get too excited any more about any thing. During my trip this week while hanging with my girlfriend, my youngest called me in a panic thinking he was having a heart attack. I was out of town; my husband was golfing. I listened calmly and suggested a couple of ideas. He called 911, and they came out and told him he was having a panic attack.
My girlfriend with cancer was very, very worried. I calmly explained to her that he freaks out a bit and she just kept suggesting how calm I was. I didn't even realize until the drive home that I was calm because that's exactly what I was supposed to be. If I had reacted with panic, it just would have been worse. Of course, a part of me wondered what on earth he was 'on' because he's active. However, logic prevailed for me as it was mid-day and he works nights. He truly woke up from a dead sleep having a full fledged panic attack while still in bed.
The disease wanted me to react and blame his choices on his condition. The disease wanted me to panic, over-react, depart from my visit and drive like a lunatic home to save him. My HP had a completely different plan and it was so much better!!
(((Hugs)))
Glad you are sharing this journey with me.
I love not over reacting now. Staying calm. I then feel like a useful, productive human being instead of a hindrance! Wonderful feeling
Yes, I have compassion for my mum and dad. Also both products of alcoholic upbringings. Goes back many generations in my family. I want it to stop with me.