Yet another question for those of you who have been at this longer than I -
Have you noticed that you are attracting more solid, steady people into your life as you progress in your program?
I laugh every time I see someone talk about the broken picker-outer. It's so very true!
Almost all of the relationships I attracted over my lifetime were chaotic. Both friendships and romantic. Seems like that is par for the course in this lot :)
Anyway, I'm not looking to jump into new social situations or dating, I was just curious to know if the picker-outer can be fixed over time and what your experiences with that were.
Calm Lady said
Oct 20, 2016
Yes, very much so.
jojo8466 said
Oct 20, 2016
I'm so scared of the deception from my picker-outer that I am just keeping to myself these days and not allowing anyone new to enter my life style at this moment in time. Too much heart-ache. I need a long break from the hurt. I KNOW what I'm like and I can LIVE with that! LOL
el-cee said
Oct 20, 2016
I dont think there was anything wrong with my picker. I got exactly what i needed to challenge every single part of my belief system and behaviours. He helped me get to the point of surrender and im honestly grateful for that. i am attracted to alcoholics, i like the company the danger and all that but today whats different is i can walk away from situations or people that arent enhancing my life.
Im coming to the conclusion that all people are made up of good and bad and its up to me to look at the good and focus on that and allow them to be a complete human and accept the bad, within reason, i cant live wiyh active drinking its too costly for me. im still finding out what i can and cant tolerate but im working on being tolerant these days. i think its an illusion to think there are anyone out there who is completely and fully healthy and i just havent found them because of of a faulty picker. Everyone has defects of character, i just want to be with those that can see them and are working on them.
el-cee said
Oct 20, 2016
Jojo, i think what youve said is really sad. isolation is a big part of this disease that we suffer from and it grows and thrives in isolation. Have you not considered going to alanon meetings because it taught me to embrace life and its amazing to let go of fear of people because now inlove meeting new people, im interested in people, all parts the good and bad, im not scared anymore and life becomes more interesting and fulfilling. its good your coming here and reaching out but real life meetings will do you the world of good. YOur onlymgetting snippets here.x
a4l said
Oct 20, 2016
I have a first reaction to people that i now examine. If i get this zoom in connection its usually a warning. I used to think it was a sign of im not sure what but guaranteed I'd be bedding that person or wanting to. They were all alcoholics except one who was a narcissistic non drinking non drugging abusive acoa and my first relationship. i definitely do think we have skewed pickers or rather both sides of the disease are magnetised toward the other.
Calm Lady said
Oct 21, 2016
Many thanks for that share, a41. I also find that if in get a strong reaction to a person I meet, it is a warning to move away.
It is my old picker being set off.
pinkchip said
Oct 21, 2016
Yes. It took me 2 full years of all out program work and a few better, but still not great flings to find a quality partner I love and have been with over 6 years now. Once in program, I learned about red flags and ended bad relationships earlier rather than settling and obsessing on changing them.
jojo8466 said
Oct 21, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Jojo, i think what youve said is really sad. isolation is a big part of this disease that we suffer from and it grows and thrives in isolation. Have you not considered going to alanon meetings because it taught me to embrace life and its amazing to let go of fear of people because now inlove meeting new people, im interested in people, all parts the good and bad, im not scared anymore and life becomes more interesting and fulfilling. its good your coming here and reaching out but real life meetings will do you the world of good. YOur onlymgetting snippets here.x
El-cee - that is too bad that my post makes you sad because it brings me a lot of peace and happiness. I am content to only deal with me, myself and I - me, me, me - that is what it's all about isn't it??? MY peace....MY serenity. Isolation??? Trust me I am not isolated. I get up and I go to work for 8 hours every day never knowing what I'm going to be dealing with in reagards to law enforcement and civilians, I get massages, I get my nails done, I run errands, I have lunch with friends, I go to movies with friends, I spend time with my daughter, my son and my family. I actually have a quite full life with people that I love and can trust. I don't have a "fear" of people, if I did I wouldn't be in the job I'm in. I am more than willing to interact with people - I just don't care to get involved with anyone intimately til I can be certain that I can make healthy choices for ME. Because, after all, MY peace and MY serenity is all that matters.
Iamhere said
Oct 21, 2016
Sarah - my answer is Yes....absolutely. As I've grown and changed in recovery, my wants have changed too. As I've become more self-reliant and self-confident, my needs are being met through myself, my HP and my program. So - I do attract different folks now and I love when they are reasonably sane and less needy.
I believe I wore a sign on my back before Al-Anon that said, "Sick puppies - gather here please!" I hung out with those crazier than I and sought to validate myself and my knowledge and worth by fixing / helping them. I too had a broken picker that extended well beyond my own home. Most of my closest friends today are vastly different than those from before. For me to actually honor me, I had to change many, many things. I was stuck in a rut so to speak and doing the same things with the same people affecting my ability to grow. I needed new friends and new experiences to expand my life, love and knowledge.
Meeting new people, and learning how to trust again were paramount for my serenity and spiritual growth. Doing the same thing over again with safe people in a safe pattern and safe place kept me from knowing me and changing me. I would not trade a single element in my recovery, including the awkward, uncomfortable, painful parts. Today I believe that everything in my life and everyone in my life experience was placed there for a reason/purpose.
(((Hugs)))
sarahGee said
Oct 21, 2016
This is good news :)
I was talking to a lady at my f2f last night, joking really, about how we seem to pick them out of a crowd.
"You over there, you look like you need the almighty ME in your poor broken life" lol
My question wasn't specifically for intimate relationships, I gravitated towards a lot of messy 'friends' as well. I stay in touch with some, but at a great distance. I don't have any desires to broaden my social circle or meet a new romantic partner, I just wondered if over time you started to develop healthier bonds. Weather with co workers, friends neighbors etc.
In my old neighborhood there were loads and loads of friendly faces, and somehow I zoned in on the one alcoholic & became best friends with her. I was dating, and went out with this (probably very healthy) guy. He liked me, but I couldn't find him attractive for some reason. He was good looking, nice, sweet to me and made efforts to show me that he was interested. So naturally, I walked away from that.
Got myself good and involved with another alcoholic who I thought was the bees knees.
It's funny looking back because I realize I really do have a knack for finding trouble, for myself and others.
I hope one day that my picker outer will balance out and I will attract & be attracted to healthy people.
Fooled said
Oct 21, 2016
jojo8466 wrote:
el-cee wrote:
Jojo, i think what youve said is really sad. isolation is a big part of this disease that we suffer from and it grows and thrives in isolation. Have you not considered going to alanon meetings because it taught me to embrace life and its amazing to let go of fear of people because now inlove meeting new people, im interested in people, all parts the good and bad, im not scared anymore and life becomes more interesting and fulfilling. its good your coming here and reaching out but real life meetings will do you the world of good. YOur onlymgetting snippets here.x
El-cee - that is too bad that my post makes you sad because it brings me a lot of peace and happiness. I am content to only deal with me, myself and I - me, me, me - that is what it's all about isn't it??? MY peace....MY serenity. Isolation??? Trust me I am not isolated. I get up and I go to work for 8 hours every day never knowing what I'm going to be dealing with in reagards to law enforcement and civilians, I get massages, I get my nails done, I run errands, I have lunch with friends, I go to movies with friends, I spend time with my daughter, my son and my family. I actually have a quite full life with people that I love and can trust. I don't have a "fear" of people, if I did I wouldn't be in the job I'm in. I am more than willing to interact with people - I just don't care to get involved with anyone intimately til I can be certain that I can make healthy choices for ME. Because, after all, MY peace and MY serenity is all that matters.
Jojo you are right it is supposed to be about you. What you feel is best for you! Take what you like and leave the rest.
a4l said
Oct 21, 2016
Oh i laughed "hey you over there in need of the almighty me". It is pretty funny isn't it? From a safe time distance at least. You are doing so well embracing this new outlook With alanon. Glad you're here
a4l said
Oct 21, 2016
And i too hope to balance out and find nurturing friendships. To sort out my instincts because i really do have difficulty processing Instinctual and emotional information.
Yet another question for those of you who have been at this longer than I -
Have you noticed that you are attracting more solid, steady people into your life as you progress in your program?
I laugh every time I see someone talk about the broken picker-outer. It's so very true!
Almost all of the relationships I attracted over my lifetime were chaotic. Both friendships and romantic. Seems like that is par for the course in this lot :)
Anyway, I'm not looking to jump into new social situations or dating, I was just curious to know if the picker-outer can be fixed over time and what your experiences with that were.
Im coming to the conclusion that all people are made up of good and bad and its up to me to look at the good and focus on that and allow them to be a complete human and accept the bad, within reason, i cant live wiyh active drinking its too costly for me. im still finding out what i can and cant tolerate but im working on being tolerant these days. i think its an illusion to think there are anyone out there who is completely and fully healthy and i just havent found them because of of a faulty picker. Everyone has defects of character, i just want to be with those that can see them and are working on them.
It is my old picker being set off.
El-cee - that is too bad that my post makes you sad because it brings me a lot of peace and happiness. I am content to only deal with me, myself and I - me, me, me - that is what it's all about isn't it??? MY peace....MY serenity. Isolation??? Trust me I am not isolated. I get up and I go to work for 8 hours every day never knowing what I'm going to be dealing with in reagards to law enforcement and civilians, I get massages, I get my nails done, I run errands, I have lunch with friends, I go to movies with friends, I spend time with my daughter, my son and my family. I actually have a quite full life with people that I love and can trust. I don't have a "fear" of people, if I did I wouldn't be in the job I'm in. I am more than willing to interact with people - I just don't care to get involved with anyone intimately til I can be certain that I can make healthy choices for ME. Because, after all, MY peace and MY serenity is all that matters.
I believe I wore a sign on my back before Al-Anon that said, "Sick puppies - gather here please!" I hung out with those crazier than I and sought to validate myself and my knowledge and worth by fixing / helping them. I too had a broken picker that extended well beyond my own home. Most of my closest friends today are vastly different than those from before. For me to actually honor me, I had to change many, many things. I was stuck in a rut so to speak and doing the same things with the same people affecting my ability to grow. I needed new friends and new experiences to expand my life, love and knowledge.
Meeting new people, and learning how to trust again were paramount for my serenity and spiritual growth. Doing the same thing over again with safe people in a safe pattern and safe place kept me from knowing me and changing me. I would not trade a single element in my recovery, including the awkward, uncomfortable, painful parts. Today I believe that everything in my life and everyone in my life experience was placed there for a reason/purpose.
(((Hugs)))
I was talking to a lady at my f2f last night, joking really, about how we seem to pick them out of a crowd.
"You over there, you look like you need the almighty ME in your poor broken life" lol
My question wasn't specifically for intimate relationships, I gravitated towards a lot of messy 'friends' as well. I stay in touch with some, but at a great distance. I don't have any desires to broaden my social circle or meet a new romantic partner, I just wondered if over time you started to develop healthier bonds. Weather with co workers, friends neighbors etc.
In my old neighborhood there were loads and loads of friendly faces, and somehow I zoned in on the one alcoholic & became best friends with her. I was dating, and went out with this (probably very healthy) guy. He liked me, but I couldn't find him attractive for some reason. He was good looking, nice, sweet to me and made efforts to show me that he was interested. So naturally, I walked away from that.
Got myself good and involved with another alcoholic who I thought was the bees knees.
It's funny looking back because I realize I really do have a knack for finding trouble, for myself and others.
I hope one day that my picker outer will balance out and I will attract & be attracted to healthy people.
Jojo you are right it is supposed to be about you. What you feel is best for you! Take what you like and leave the rest.