Husband in detox, trying to figure out what's next
SDB said
Oct 19, 2016
I had to travel for 5 days for work across the country. The night before I left I came home to my husband passed out drunk. I went to Seattle and whenever I called to see how things were going he was drunk. He missed a job interview and then proceeded to lie about going.
When I returned home, he was drunk again. The day off I had from work as comp time was spent watching him slowly spiral into DTs and he asked me to rush him to the ER at 6pm on Monday. After 4 hours they admitted him and he's in a detox unit. It doesn't seem like they asked him to join in any meetings and there's been no mention of when he'll be discharged or what the aftercare plan is. When I was visiting him today, the social worker asked me to leave so she could speak with him alone. He did the same detox December last year.
I'm frustrated that they'd discharge him when he still seems kind of out of it and that they aren't giving any kind of timeline. I was scheduled to have a massage tomorrow evening to help ease some of the pain I've been feeling from traveling and to help destroys and now I'm wondering if I should cancel. I took today off because I was so exhausted and feel like I'm starting to come down with something.
I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to stick with the massage because I need to take care of me. My husband asked me where we stand today and I didn't have an answer. He said he was going to use the time I was gone on the trip to figure out what he needed to get better and instead he drank and lied. So I don't know if I can trust him to do aftercare or if he really wants to get better. I'm 3 months pregnant and told him I need for him to be stable, to be sober and to start being reliable. He said he would change. This is the 4th hospitalization in 2 years and I just don't know how much more of this I can go through.
I'm so frustrated and exhausted and confused.
hotrod said
Oct 19, 2016
((SDB))alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic , progressive disease over which we are powerless. I am sorry for all the confusion and pain that you are enduring during this special time in your life.
I would like to suggest that you increase your alanon face to face meetings so as to break the isolation caused by interacting with this disease and to obtain the support you need..
Please keep the focus on yourself. I am pleased that you intend to get that massage and take care of yourself. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
Iamhere said
Oct 20, 2016
I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers. Be gentle with you and lean into Al-Anon as much as you can as often as you can. It is only through Al-Anon that I was able to find enough peace in my mind/heart to set a different path for myself and work to recover from the affects of this disease.
(((Hugs))) to you - it's a progressive disease and I do understand your concern, worry and confusion. Keep coming back!
Jerry F said
Oct 20, 2016
The right things for the right reasons for you...good decision. Turn him over to HP and the hospital and docs and nurses and program and....
(((hugs)))
SDB said
Oct 20, 2016
So I've stayed out of his treatment this time around. I haven't talked to a single doctor or nurse since he was initially admitted.
He called this morning to let me know that he'll be discharged tomorrow, which is nice because I get one more night to myself and don't have to worry about it interfering with my massage.
I only visited him once while he was in there (unlike the other times where I tried to stop by every day), which has proven to be less stressful and leave me less exhausted.
I wish he'd do a proper inpatient program, but it sounds like he's agreed to see a therapist, do acupuncture and possibly attend some group meetings.
I'm feeling pretty wounded and hurt by this whole last relapse between him not thinking at all about providing for the baby (when he skipped his job interview), lying the entire time I was gone, and saying he needed the debit card so he could get me an anniversary present (yes, our anniversary happened over his relapse) and instead using the money to buy booze. I've actually been happier with him gone these last few days than I have been with him around the last few months and that's pretty terrifying to me since we've been together for 17 years.
I'm going to do my best to just hold my tongue when he gets back in the house and see what happens. We have a couples therapy appointment scheduled next week and I think that will be the best place to address everything that went on.
sarahGee said
Oct 20, 2016
Good for you. Sending prayers for strength your way.
pinkchip said
Oct 21, 2016
Nothing to add but support and validation. You can set boundaries, but remember, they are for you so if you say "do this or I'm gone" that means you go when they don't. Usually that comes at the point when we are ready to leave anyhow and it sounds like you might be close to that. No giant rush to figure it out as long as you are safe and able to get basic needs met while pregnant. Prayers....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 21st of October 2016 05:12:03 AM
Iamhere said
Oct 21, 2016
(((SDB))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers for continued peace......you are not alone!!
Lucy125 said
Oct 22, 2016
This is so disappointing. There's nothing you or anyone can do to make addicted people behave themselves. I've been thinking about expectations a lot. I am trying not to expect anything, it only leads to disappointment.
I would like to suggest that you increase your alanon face to face meetings so as to break the isolation caused by interacting with this disease and to obtain the support you need..
Please keep the focus on yourself. I am pleased that you intend to get that massage and take care of yourself. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
(((Hugs))) to you - it's a progressive disease and I do understand your concern, worry and confusion. Keep coming back!
The right things for the right reasons for you...good decision. Turn him over to HP and the hospital and docs and nurses and program and....
(((hugs)))
He called this morning to let me know that he'll be discharged tomorrow, which is nice because I get one more night to myself and don't have to worry about it interfering with my massage.
I only visited him once while he was in there (unlike the other times where I tried to stop by every day), which has proven to be less stressful and leave me less exhausted.
I wish he'd do a proper inpatient program, but it sounds like he's agreed to see a therapist, do acupuncture and possibly attend some group meetings.
I'm feeling pretty wounded and hurt by this whole last relapse between him not thinking at all about providing for the baby (when he skipped his job interview), lying the entire time I was gone, and saying he needed the debit card so he could get me an anniversary present (yes, our anniversary happened over his relapse) and instead using the money to buy booze. I've actually been happier with him gone these last few days than I have been with him around the last few months and that's pretty terrifying to me since we've been together for 17 years.
I'm going to do my best to just hold my tongue when he gets back in the house and see what happens. We have a couples therapy appointment scheduled next week and I think that will be the best place to address everything that went on.
Nothing to add but support and validation. You can set boundaries, but remember, they are for you so if you say "do this or I'm gone" that means you go when they don't. Usually that comes at the point when we are ready to leave anyhow and it sounds like you might be close to that. No giant rush to figure it out as long as you are safe and able to get basic needs met while pregnant. Prayers....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 21st of October 2016 05:12:03 AM
This is so disappointing. There's nothing you or anyone can do to make addicted people behave themselves. I've been thinking about expectations a lot. I am trying not to expect anything, it only leads to disappointment.