Just thinking out loud. When i think of love before alanon and since alanon i can see a huge difference.
I thought love was someone needing you, an alcoholic ticks that box. I thought it was becoming one with another, lifes so enmeshed i lost my individuality, i thought it meant making them happy at any cost and being responsible for their unhappiness. I thought it meant my happiness was because of them and if they left me that would mean misery for me. Alcoholics tick many of these boxes because they rarely leave you.
Now love is allowing my loved ones the full consequences of their own actions, its giving them the dignity to make their own mistakes without jumping in with the answers and fixing, its about accepting another human just as they are within that moment drunk sober and allowing them to just be without my judgement scolding smothering advice.
Its also about loving me enough to keep going to my meetings, keep workjng this program to the best of my ability, trying hard to accept and love all of me, its about having healthy boundaries and not accepting unacceptable behaviour, its about putting me and my life first above everyone else and realising my responsibility over everything is to keep improving my life. God wants me to be happy and im entitled to a good life.thanks for reading.x
hotrod said
Oct 19, 2016
I agree LC . My definition of love has changed (thankfully) and has become more realistic and mature.
In my youth, I bought into the whole romantic love syndrome of abandoning myself to "Stand by my man". Thanks to program I did learn that I cannot love another until I learn to love myself and then I can then share that love with others. Never could have accomplished this using my old beliefs or tools.
To answer your question about "Fear" The Bible states "Perfect love casts out fear" Since I am imperfectly human and incapable of perfection, I will do my best and strive to trust my HP, who is perfect, with all the outcomes.
Iamhere said
Oct 19, 2016
Great thoughts El-Cee.....what popped in my head is when our Jerry here says (I will not get it right....) when I arrived, I didn't know what I didn't know and really did not know much/anything. This always makes me nod my head here as I arrived and thought I was so wise and so knowing. Working the program has really changed the way I define many things as well as if they are helpful or destructive.
I too had a distorted view of love - suppose it has something to do with too many lifetime movies or too many romance novels. I truly had a definition that more aligned with co-dependency - I complete them and they complete me! Two lives become one! The song, "I can't live....if living is without you!" comes to mind. I really, really did not understand the meaning of love at all.
Today, I believe that love is a decision and not a feeling. It's an action and it is accepting myself and all others around me exactly as they are, in this moment, imperfectly human. Embracing others with respect, honor, grace and dignity - no matter their circumstance, actions, etc. I no longer want anyone to complete me. I feel happy, healthy and whole just as I am, thanks to my spiritual growth. I know, beyond any doubt, that no matter what happens in my life each day that I will not be alone, and all will be as it's supposed to be.
Fear is another 'gotcha' for me. When I got hear, I outwardly demonstrated a fearless shell. I truly thought I was fearless, tough, and able to rise above anything. What I truly found is that I was guarded, full of anger and fearful. I used facts, analysis and my intelligence to justify, rationalize, defend and explain (over-explain) my position and my choices. I spent more time formulating my words in my mind to give an outward appearance of strength and wisdom. Yet, as I did my step work, I found that many of my assets were also distorted and/or used in a manner that was destructive, and deep down, I was very afraid. Fear of failing, fear of success, fear of being alone, fear of the disease, fear of .... - most of my behaviors at every level were fear-based.
So - I now can sit and determine what I am really feeling. Often, fear is still at the base level of my processing. I have no issue today calling my sponsor or a trusted program friend and saying I am full of fear and this is why. Using our program and all the tools, I do fully trust HP to lead me as needed. I love my husband yet am fearful that I will find him dead at some point. It's a real possibility - he has heart disease and there is quite a bit of damage. He has lived longer than his parents already and these are just facts. What the program teaches me is these facts are real, my emotions are real - however....I don't have to obsess and dwell on these, especially if I am living in the present. When it happens, then I'll manage accordingly is what the program tells me.
Great topic ... making me think harder than I thought I would this morning...ha.ha.
deacon said
Oct 19, 2016
Your post resonated with me hugely! I also thought love was making sure the person you lived with was happy, easing their way, trying to prevent and solve problems for them and often incurring the consequences of their actions. Learned that at my mother's knee. My father was not an alcoholic but he was a very domineering, insecure man. And we all walked on eggshells trying to keep him from exploding.
And I carried that into my marriage and my mothering. Now that my son is gone, I am finding that I don't know who I am ( or was) anymore. I am blaming myself for his problems, for his inabilities, for the way he developed. Because I enabled him hugely.
With Al Anon's help, I am seeing that I was not the only one in my family affected. Three of my sisters are supporting sons who will not work, are addicted to some substance and make life a living hell. And they resist seeing this as they feel they are being disloyal to their sons. While they do not voice it, I know they think we are horrible parents to 'desert' our son. What they do not see is that we finally loved ourselves enough to see the situation for what it was and loved him enough to stop enabling.
So at the present, I am just putting one foot in front of the other, attending meetings and trying to regain the person I once was. With help, I am learning that I am not responsible for another's bad choices and consequences. And that I am not a horrible person because I am finally putting the onus for his decisions on him.
Jerry F said
Oct 19, 2016
The last lesson I got from my Higher Power was accompanied with the internet video which my HP watched with me. Yes my HP has zillions of tools to reach me and so the internet video of an old woman visiting a zoo in the Orient and a mature adult male lion she had brought to the zoo because she could no longer care for it as she did when it was a cub. It was stunning!! She walked up to the cage and said quietly "Hey Lion" and this huge cat leaped to it's feet turned and faced her, stuck his huge paws thru the bars around her head and drew her to him. When her face was in the cage bars he softly rubbed his cheeks against hers with recognition and care. I was taken back watching this and my HP standing next to me asked, "So what do you see"? and I replied "No fear...no fear at all" to which HP responded "Yes...Love" and then HP left the room. It is absolutely true for me today...Love is the absence of Fear and Fear cannot exist where Love is at. Neither can exist at the same time and in the same place as the other...it isn't possible. Thanks so much for the post HP knows I am needed to revisit it. (((((hugs)))))
Bethany66 said
Oct 19, 2016
Thank you Deacon, for your words. My parents were not alcoholics either, but my father was what I call a "rage-aholic". I learned at my mothers knee that what my father didn't know didn't hurt us. I carried that in to my adult relationships with disastrous results. It makes me look/feel sneaky and dishonest. I am putting a lot of energy these days (at 50 years old) into breaking that pattern of coping. But speaking my truth, above all else and regardless of the consequences, can be a bit of a land mine crossing when you put an A in the mix.
That is why this topic is so important to me right now. And I do believe that in time more will be revealed.
Calm Lady said
Oct 19, 2016
My feeling is that it cannot.
KT2015 said
Oct 19, 2016
el cee I can really relate to your post and I have learned the same things. Thank you for capturing it so beautifully.
Cathyinaz said
Oct 22, 2016
Thank you.....
Hope4Healing said
Oct 22, 2016
I came here because I felt I was living in fear more than love the past week. The first thing I clicked on was this post, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I thank everyone for what they shared. It helps so much to read this.
Just thinking out loud. When i think of love before alanon and since alanon i can see a huge difference.
I thought love was someone needing you, an alcoholic ticks that box. I thought it was becoming one with another, lifes so enmeshed i lost my individuality, i thought it meant making them happy at any cost and being responsible for their unhappiness. I thought it meant my happiness was because of them and if they left me that would mean misery for me. Alcoholics tick many of these boxes because they rarely leave you.
Now love is allowing my loved ones the full consequences of their own actions, its giving them the dignity to make their own mistakes without jumping in with the answers and fixing, its about accepting another human just as they are within that moment drunk sober and allowing them to just be without my judgement scolding smothering advice.
Its also about loving me enough to keep going to my meetings, keep workjng this program to the best of my ability, trying hard to accept and love all of me, its about having healthy boundaries and not accepting unacceptable behaviour, its about putting me and my life first above everyone else and realising my responsibility over everything is to keep improving my life. God wants me to be happy and im entitled to a good life.thanks for reading.x
I agree LC . My definition of love has changed (thankfully) and has become more realistic and mature.
In my youth, I bought into the whole romantic love syndrome of abandoning myself to "Stand by my man". Thanks to program I did learn that I cannot love another until I learn to love myself and then I can then share that love with others. Never could have accomplished this using my old beliefs or tools.
To answer your question about "Fear" The Bible states "Perfect love casts out fear" Since I am imperfectly human and incapable of perfection, I will do my best and strive to trust my HP, who is perfect, with all the outcomes.
I too had a distorted view of love - suppose it has something to do with too many lifetime movies or too many romance novels. I truly had a definition that more aligned with co-dependency - I complete them and they complete me! Two lives become one! The song, "I can't live....if living is without you!" comes to mind. I really, really did not understand the meaning of love at all.
Today, I believe that love is a decision and not a feeling. It's an action and it is accepting myself and all others around me exactly as they are, in this moment, imperfectly human. Embracing others with respect, honor, grace and dignity - no matter their circumstance, actions, etc. I no longer want anyone to complete me. I feel happy, healthy and whole just as I am, thanks to my spiritual growth. I know, beyond any doubt, that no matter what happens in my life each day that I will not be alone, and all will be as it's supposed to be.
Fear is another 'gotcha' for me. When I got hear, I outwardly demonstrated a fearless shell. I truly thought I was fearless, tough, and able to rise above anything. What I truly found is that I was guarded, full of anger and fearful. I used facts, analysis and my intelligence to justify, rationalize, defend and explain (over-explain) my position and my choices. I spent more time formulating my words in my mind to give an outward appearance of strength and wisdom. Yet, as I did my step work, I found that many of my assets were also distorted and/or used in a manner that was destructive, and deep down, I was very afraid. Fear of failing, fear of success, fear of being alone, fear of the disease, fear of .... - most of my behaviors at every level were fear-based.
So - I now can sit and determine what I am really feeling. Often, fear is still at the base level of my processing. I have no issue today calling my sponsor or a trusted program friend and saying I am full of fear and this is why. Using our program and all the tools, I do fully trust HP to lead me as needed. I love my husband yet am fearful that I will find him dead at some point. It's a real possibility - he has heart disease and there is quite a bit of damage. He has lived longer than his parents already and these are just facts. What the program teaches me is these facts are real, my emotions are real - however....I don't have to obsess and dwell on these, especially if I am living in the present. When it happens, then I'll manage accordingly is what the program tells me.
Great topic ... making me think harder than I thought I would this morning...ha.ha.
Your post resonated with me hugely! I also thought love was making sure the person you lived with was happy, easing their way, trying to prevent and solve problems for them and often incurring the consequences of their actions. Learned that at my mother's knee. My father was not an alcoholic but he was a very domineering, insecure man. And we all walked on eggshells trying to keep him from exploding.
And I carried that into my marriage and my mothering. Now that my son is gone, I am finding that I don't know who I am ( or was) anymore. I am blaming myself for his problems, for his inabilities, for the way he developed. Because I enabled him hugely.
With Al Anon's help, I am seeing that I was not the only one in my family affected. Three of my sisters are supporting sons who will not work, are addicted to some substance and make life a living hell. And they resist seeing this as they feel they are being disloyal to their sons. While they do not voice it, I know they think we are horrible parents to 'desert' our son. What they do not see is that we finally loved ourselves enough to see the situation for what it was and loved him enough to stop enabling.
So at the present, I am just putting one foot in front of the other, attending meetings and trying to regain the person I once was. With help, I am learning that I am not responsible for another's bad choices and consequences. And that I am not a horrible person because I am finally putting the onus for his decisions on him.
The last lesson I got from my Higher Power was accompanied with the internet video which my HP watched with me. Yes my HP has zillions of tools to reach me and so the internet video of an old woman visiting a zoo in the Orient and a mature adult male lion she had brought to the zoo because she could no longer care for it as she did when it was a cub. It was stunning!! She walked up to the cage and said quietly "Hey Lion" and this huge cat leaped to it's feet turned and faced her, stuck his huge paws thru the bars around her head and drew her to him. When her face was in the cage bars he softly rubbed his cheeks against hers with recognition and care. I was taken back watching this and my HP standing next to me asked, "So what do you see"? and I replied "No fear...no fear at all" to which HP responded "Yes...Love" and then HP left the room. It is absolutely true for me today...Love is the absence of Fear and Fear cannot exist where Love is at. Neither can exist at the same time and in the same place as the other...it isn't possible. Thanks so much for the post HP knows I am needed to revisit it. (((((hugs)))))
That is why this topic is so important to me right now. And I do believe that in time more will be revealed.