I posted about detachment a couple of days ago and man was it an eye opener! Thank u everyone! It got me thinking...if they rant so easy about so many topics what do you consider a safe topic? I know my job is a sore subject so Tonight I tried to talk about how my brother in law has gotten a promotion. My sister and him hate were they are living now (big city, very expensive) and moving to a southern state. I thought my excitement for them could be heard in my voice but my ah just started ranting about why doesn't he ever get....blah, blah... And how do all these people get these great jobs and we r stuck with what we have...blah, blah...I am crossing off another topic but I find that this happens with so many subjects that I honestly don't know if there is a subject that would be "safe" Just wondering if there are any safe topics anyone has found. I mean it is hard to be in a room with someone and not say anything. Any suggestions?
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2016
Safe topics in my home are his interests and neutral subjects - our dog, our children, our grandchildren. As I've grown and changed, I have found that making I statements vs. You, They or We statements works well. My AH also struggles with emotions so facts are best. I was one who over-talked and he's as close to an introvert as I know. It would take less than 20 seconds for his interest top drop in most of my preferred topics. So - with neutral topics or golf, the gym, etc. - his interest or joint interests, it's safe and helps to rebuild communication.
hotrod said
Oct 18, 2016
I agree IAH Common interests Football or baseball team, children and pets As far as positive information about anothers good fortune, that usually provokes negative responses.
El said
Oct 18, 2016
At our house, I find that the general mood is a greater indicator than the subject. If the mood for that day is foul, it doesn't matter how innocent and bland the topic- he will be set off. I just try and stay busy and keep to other rooms of the house, or go out.
Also, mornings are better at our house to discuss something rationally, because AH is at his most sober.
I do know not to voluntarily bring up people he doesn't like - some family members. They could be given the Nobel Peace Prize, be knighted by the Queen, cure incurable diseases and he would still find something about them to rant about.
I honestly don't mean to be bashing, it is what it is. I can "read" his aura and ask for guidance from my HP to best handle whatever the mood of the day is. When he is calm and rational we have some really great discussions and are on the same page most of the times. I savor those moments and make sure I add them to my nightly gratitude list that I share in my prayers to my HP.
Calm Lady said
Oct 19, 2016
What a wonderful question.
In my home safe topics with AH are his hobby interests, the meals we will be enjoying that day, weather forecast, eeeeeeer I can't think of anymore.
It is actually a lot easier to list topics I avoid. That i don't bring up or if he does, I remove myself.
Politics What the neighbours are doing News in general Family members Building work we have had do Our internet provider Any thing on TV Any of my friends Fact that he has no friends
All of the above apply to when AH is in his down phase, sometimes as El mentions, he is in calm and rational part of his cycle we have lovely deep discussions. Then that person goes and it is back to the above house rules. In his dark times, he rants merely as a way of talking. He thinks he is talking. Doesn't realise he is ranting and spitting venom everywhere.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 19th of October 2016 01:15:16 AM
Mattie said
Oct 19, 2016
It's depressing always to be walking on eggshells and tailoring ourselves so they don't erupt, isn't it? We can't be our real selves - it's all about managing them and their moods. I think the question have to be why we let our worlds be narrowed so much, when we can't even talk about normal things in our most intimate relationship. For me it happened so slowly that I hardly noticed how it had become all about him. I thought that I had to sacrifice my ability to be myself to be in a relationship. That was what I was used to. I thought the choices were between restraining myself and enduring his outbursts. What a depressing choice, right?
el-cee said
Oct 19, 2016
Sounds like your searching about the hardware store for bread. It's not the topic that's the problem. He has distorted and disturbed thought processes that's what alcoholism is. He's not got normal viewpoints or opinions to give you. A better question may be what expectations do you have that aren't based on reality?
Calm Lady said
Oct 19, 2016
It is a strange position to be in.
My greatest wish is to grow into being my authentic self, but as Mattie picks up on, I cannot. To fully be myself, I would be the same me regardless of things around me.
I cannot fully be the person God intended when in the company of A hubby. I have to work from a set of rules when we are together.
My head spins a bit about this.
e_i_m said
Oct 19, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Sounds like your searching about the hardware store for bread. It's not the topic that's the problem. He has distorted and disturbed thought processes that's what alcoholism is. He's not got normal viewpoints or opinions to give you. A better question may be what expectations do you have that aren't based on reality?
Yeah. I definitely have the expectation that I can have a discussion with my significant other and not come away feeling small, diminished, or like I have to avoid a topic about myself or my work day. My ex did the behavior described here about getting into an angry rant when I just wanted to vent a little about work, and that was one more nail in the coffin of our relationship. Going to the hardware store for bread, or going to the hardware store for a screwdriver and finding only bread in stock.
el-cee said
Oct 19, 2016
These expectations are normal healthy expectations within a healthy relationship. Within alcoholism relationships are not normal or healthy really so our expectations either change or we are in a constant battle goung between disappointment and frustration. Its like the pigeon story, dont sit underneath them unless your fully prepared to be shit all over. Lol x
el-cee said
Oct 19, 2016
Ive got an alanon pal who calls it worldly expectations or worldly behaviours, i think she just means the world unaffected by drink but what is it? A tiny 20% of the population and then what is their problem, lol x
Calm Lady said
Oct 19, 2016
Hahaha, I know this is awful but is when I need some information from AH. I feel like giving him two bits of paper. One with 'yes' on it one with 'no' on it. Then asking him to hold up the appropriate one!!;
Anything to avoid the long rambling, all round the houses answer he actually gives.
jojo8466 said
Oct 19, 2016
I want to say that my heart goes out to all of you. I read these posts and I can't imagine having to live my life constantly wondering what feelings and topics I'm allowed to talk about to keep peace in the home and what topics or feelings that are bothering me or bringing me and others joy that I have to keep inside myself for fear that the A I'm living with will erupt because I brought them up. I hope that all of you can be granted peace and serenity living in this kind of atmosphere and that in time you will be able to talk about everything that is important to you and have an understanding spouse that is willing to listen with a happy heart and not hostility.
hotrod said
Oct 19, 2016
JoJo- Living with the disease of alcoholism is indeed a challenge. I have found that with alanon tools, and the support of like minded fellows, I have grown into a more compassionate, understanding supportive person fully aware of my own shortcomings and willing to address them.
This recovery is a two way street, the more I am able to detach and focus my energy on myself , my motives and why I say what I say and do what i do, the easier it becomes to see the defects that I use to keep me stuck and causes trouble in my interactions . I see where I" react" to my feelings of fear or disconnect and learn how to respond in a healthier fashion. Seeing this helps me to know that I am not a victim. You are doing well asking important questions.
el-cee said
Oct 19, 2016
Lol, sounds like an excellent idea, you could even colour code them red amber green. I think when the denial lifted for me and i realised i was living in the land of make believe, part of this was the walking on eggshells molding me to suit him. No way, never again. When im in the company of the drinker in my life i choose carefully what i share of me with him, i dont change me, i just am selective in how much of me he gets to see. So its not about poor me cant be me its about empowered me having the awareness to choose what he gets to see. So im in control, not him or his moods or his irritability etc. To me all the behqviiurs and reactions drinkers have are easy to predict now.
Even so, if he takes offence or gets annoyed at anything there is no way i moderate me in any way, i try to let it go, leave him with his own discomfort, it belongs to him, is within him and is way bigger tha me so believing completely in step one is freedom.x
El said
Oct 19, 2016
Thank you jojo for your sentiments on this thread. I decided long ago that I am in this for the long haul. I do not feel physically threatened, and it hasn't progressed to the point that we can't have any fun or enjoy life. There is still a lot that does work. I can only hope that if I get ill, that my loved ones will stick by me.
Oh, it is so frustrating at times, but I am still able to enjoy my life, as I have been very blessed over and over.
I know couples that struggle without alcohol being the issue. Believe me, should it ever get dangerous, or my mental health is at risk, I will make changes, but right now, I feel I can find other outlets to express all aI need to.
Love this site and all the posters.
el-cee said
Oct 19, 2016
I agree el, there is much worse out there than alcoholism. I actually feel grateful for the alcoholics in my life, they got me to alanon. I have spirituality in my life, im happier than most folks i know even those who never lived with alcoholism so no sympathy needed here for any of us alanoners really.x
Calm Lady said
Oct 19, 2016
I am VERY grateful to my alkie hubby. In al-anon I am correcting my own crazy behaviours as well as recovering from an alkie childhood.
I am happier now than ever before.
KT2015 said
Oct 19, 2016
I haven't read every single post on here but I will jump in. I agree with El's first post. With my AH it's not so much the topic but the mood that determines how a conversation will go. To be 100% honest this is true with most people but when dealing with an AH it is a bit more unpredictable. I've done a lot of work on detachment and I have come to two conclusions that help me with it. I've come to realize that if a conversation is getting very negative and unproductive I don't really want to be part of it. And it's ok to decide not to be part of it. I've also realized that when my AH is in a good mood (usually not when he's been drinking) that is when I have the best conversations with him and so that is when I choose to talk about things more in depth. I've learned to enjoy the good conversations (of which there are many) and to extract myself from the bad ones before they go really south. I simply find something else to do. If he asks me why I'm not talking I speak my truth and tell him I don't think the conversation is going well and leave it at that. He HATED it when I first started doing it which made it more difficult. But with time we both adjusted. I learned that an uncomfortable silence doesn't have to be so uncomfortable and he appears to be taking more ownership for his behaviour and moods.
I used to think that if my AH wanted to have a conversation and was in a very negative, confrontational mood that I had to engage him in conversation, convince him not to be so negative, placate him so he didn't get so upset, make up for the things he was upset about, run interference between him and everyone else etc etc. Quite frankly it was exhausting and not really my place to do that. Now I just take responsibility for my part in any conversation. And he has responsibility for what he brings to the conversation. It's been fascinating to see how this has evolved. My AH at times will say "I'm not in a good mood so I'm just not going to talk ok?" And he says that honestly in a good way. That is much better to live with than the ranting of negativity that would occur before. I learned this over time in the program and by having lots of opportunities to practice detachment.
I know this can be difficult. Keep coming back.
KT2015 said
Oct 19, 2016
Oh and one more thing. Sometimes I start off a conversation with telling my AH what I am looking for in terms of support before I bring something up......"I just want to vent a little about work can you just listen for a bit?" Or "I want to share something with you but I don't want you to fix it" or "I want your input on this issue and to know what you would do". Sometimes those things work for me since often my AH doesn't know what I want when I start talking about something. THe same goes for him. I can get carried away with things the same way he can especially if he tells me about people I feel are treating him badly. I used to get so negative and angry at those people because I love him and didn't want him treated badly. Now that I've been more clear with what I want from a conversation he will stop me and say "that's not really helpful" LOL.
Iamhere said
Oct 19, 2016
I too am happier than ever before. Before recovery, my pattern was flight....when others failed me - which was often/always - because I had distorted expectations and unrealistic fantasies of love and marriage - I was out of there. I had one failed marriage and quite a few of failed relationships. I was never willing to stand in and work on it, rather I would just cut and run when things did not go my way.
I now have a different view of life, love and reality. I now realize that nobody has a perfect life, a perfect partner or a perfect marriage. I have relatives and friends who struggle with some of the same issues without the alcoholism. Unfortunately for them, there is no recovery option and they have no tools to work on themselves. I pray for them often/always as they have it much worse than me - I have a program that gave me back my gift of choices!
When I met and married my AH, we were different. We are on opposite sides of the political world, he's introverted and I'm extroverted. I was a professional employee, he was a union employee. My point - we clashed often on our values, attitudes, opinions before he relapsed. We both enjoy a spirited debate and that's never changed. I can and do talk to him about anything I desire and never have stopped. What has changed is me - I no longer have to be right nor do I have to justify, argue, defend or explain. I can share about others, my day, my program, etc. calmly and let go of their reactions/responses. A perfect example, both of my boys are currently anti-AA. I shared my 29 years coin with each of them when I saw them....(my sponsor ordered a very special, very cool coin/medallion)
They both just looked and said Congratulations (which is great growth). My youngest genuinely was proud of me and I could feel it in his added words and actions. My oldest was indifferent and apathetic and I could also feel it in his added words and actions. My response to both was identical - thank you. This disease in my life was/is the gift that keeps on giving. I am more authentic now than ever before as recovery has gifted me a way deeper understanding of who I really am and what I really need. I no longer have to feel better than or less than another. I can choose who to share what with, when and how. I have deeper intimacy in all my relationships and friends that know me better than I know myself. I no longer have any secrets, shame or fear - all of which consumed me before....
I would not trade my life, my AH or my A Sons for a dude that kissed my walk or worshiped me deeply. I had that in my first marriage and I felt smothered and undeserving. We grow and change in recovery and there is no limits to my choices today. I will forever be grateful for this diseased as it brought me to recovery and a life I would never have known otherwise.
sarahGee said
Oct 19, 2016
Awesome topic.
The only safe-ish topic for me is the accomplishments of my children. I think it's easy for just about anyone to feel joy when it comes to the success of a child.
I say it's safe-ish, because almost any topic can start a problem. The most obscure things can start a rant.
It's almost laughable sometimes! I sent my best-friends mother a thank you over Facebook for inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner. Told her it was delicious & it was nice to see those I hadn't seen in a while. I didn't even know my mom would be able to see it, because I sent it directly to my friends mom. But somehow she did, and that started trouble. Even simple thank you's to others can start the punching bag process. I guess she thinks that I am thankful towards someone else, I must be spiteful and ungrateful towards her? The stuffing was worth it :)
It is so comforting to know that there are others who deal with this too.
This might sound weird, but at the moment, it helps for me to picture a giant red "ALCOHOLIC" stamp across their forehead while they talk to me. I don't do this in judgement, I do this because it allows me to see the disease and not let the nastiness flowing out of their mouths harm me or upset me. I know they are not in control of themselves and deep in there, somewhere, is a loving person.
-- Edited by sarahGee on Wednesday 19th of October 2016 10:28:37 AM
Calm Lady said
Oct 19, 2016
I used to run away too when relationships went wrong. I never learnt. I would just go do it all again. Same pattern with a different man.
This time I have stuck with it. Learning and changing and recovering. Big step forward for me.
One i am proud of.
The fact that current hub is an alkie is a gift because there was a ready-made program for me.
Bethany66 said
Oct 19, 2016
Calm Lady wrote:
It is a strange position to be in.
My greatest wish is to grow into being my authentic self, but as Mattie picks up on, I cannot. To fully be myself, I would be the same me regardless of things around me.
I cannot fully be the person God intended when in the company of A hubby. I have to work from a set of rules when we are together.
My head spins a bit about this.
This is an amazing topic and I am so thankful to my loving HP for bringing this up AGAIN. I just spoke and heard others speak about the same topic at my home group yesterday. It is such a tightrope walk to find the things we can discuss on any given day. And I too so relate to Calm Lady's post above. I feel that this program and my HP is encouraging me to realize and strive to become the person I am meant to be, and yet it feels like I cannot be that person with my AH most of the time. And that feels untrue to myself, my HP and the world.
I am really seeing that not speaking is very powerful in its own way. Not as a weapon, but as a way to diffuse and gather my own thoughts together. I am working on holding my thoughts up against the marker of the acronym T*H*I*N*K. And sometimes the best thing I can do is say nothing.
I continue to pray that the balance I so desire will be found in my life. And I know through speaking my truth in the safety of this forum and my F2F meetings bring me closer to that place. I love all the responses here on this topic and I will reread them again to get even more clarity.
Thank you all for your honest sharing. I hope you know how crucial your words are at any given time to someone in need!
Jerry F said
Oct 19, 2016
I take that like being in a meeting and the topic is resentments and when I share, if I share I share about what I found out, what I learned and what I do now and then I pass. That is what has worked for me and may work again no guarantee or expectations. ((((hugs))))
At our house, I find that the general mood is a greater indicator than the subject. If the mood for that day is foul, it doesn't matter how innocent and bland the topic- he will be set off. I just try and stay busy and keep to other rooms of the house, or go out.
Also, mornings are better at our house to discuss something rationally, because AH is at his most sober.
I do know not to voluntarily bring up people he doesn't like - some family members. They could be given the Nobel Peace Prize, be knighted by the Queen, cure incurable diseases and he would still find something about them to rant about.
I honestly don't mean to be bashing, it is what it is. I can "read" his aura and ask for guidance from my HP to best handle whatever the mood of the day is. When he is calm and rational we have some really great discussions and are on the same page most of the times. I savor those moments and make sure I add them to my nightly gratitude list that I share in my prayers to my HP.
What a wonderful question.
In my home safe topics with AH are his hobby interests, the meals we will be enjoying that day, weather forecast, eeeeeeer I can't think of anymore.
It is actually a lot easier to list topics I avoid. That i don't bring up or if he does, I remove myself.
Politics
What the neighbours are doing
News in general
Family members
Building work we have had do
Our internet provider
Any thing on TV
Any of my friends
Fact that he has no friends
All of the above apply to when AH is in his down phase, sometimes as El mentions, he is in calm and rational part of his cycle we have lovely deep discussions. Then that person goes and it is back to the above house rules. In his dark times, he rants merely as a way of talking. He thinks he is talking. Doesn't realise he is ranting and spitting venom everywhere.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Wednesday 19th of October 2016 01:15:16 AM
It's depressing always to be walking on eggshells and tailoring ourselves so they don't erupt, isn't it? We can't be our real selves - it's all about managing them and their moods. I think the question have to be why we let our worlds be narrowed so much, when we can't even talk about normal things in our most intimate relationship. For me it happened so slowly that I hardly noticed how it had become all about him. I thought that I had to sacrifice my ability to be myself to be in a relationship. That was what I was used to. I thought the choices were between restraining myself and enduring his outbursts. What a depressing choice, right?
My greatest wish is to grow into being my authentic self, but as Mattie picks up on, I cannot. To fully be myself, I would be the same me regardless of things around me.
I cannot fully be the person God intended when in the company of A hubby. I have to work from a set of rules when we are together.
My head spins a bit about this.
Yeah. I definitely have the expectation that I can have a discussion with my significant other and not come away feeling small, diminished, or like I have to avoid a topic about myself or my work day. My ex did the behavior described here about getting into an angry rant when I just wanted to vent a little about work, and that was one more nail in the coffin of our relationship. Going to the hardware store for bread, or going to the hardware store for a screwdriver and finding only bread in stock.
Hahaha, I know this is awful but is when I need some information from AH. I feel like giving him two bits of paper. One with 'yes' on it one with 'no' on it. Then asking him to hold up the appropriate one!!;
Anything to avoid the long rambling, all round the houses answer he actually gives.
JoJo- Living with the disease of alcoholism is indeed a challenge. I have found that with alanon tools, and the support of like minded fellows, I have grown into a more compassionate, understanding supportive person fully aware of my own shortcomings and willing to address them.
This recovery is a two way street, the more I am able to detach and focus my energy on myself , my motives and why I say what I say and do what i do, the easier it becomes to see the defects that I use to keep me stuck and causes trouble in my interactions . I see where I" react" to my feelings of fear or disconnect and learn how to respond in a healthier fashion. Seeing this helps me to know that I am not a victim.
You are doing well asking important questions.
Even so, if he takes offence or gets annoyed at anything there is no way i moderate me in any way, i try to let it go, leave him with his own discomfort, it belongs to him, is within him and is way bigger tha me so believing completely in step one is freedom.x
Thank you jojo for your sentiments on this thread. I decided long ago that I am in this for the long haul. I do not feel physically threatened, and it hasn't progressed to the point that we can't have any fun or enjoy life. There is still a lot that does work. I can only hope that if I get ill, that my loved ones will stick by me.
Oh, it is so frustrating at times, but I am still able to enjoy my life, as I have been very blessed over and over.
I know couples that struggle without alcohol being the issue. Believe me, should it ever get dangerous, or my mental health is at risk, I will make changes, but right now, I feel I can find other outlets to express all aI need to.
Love this site and all the posters.
I am happier now than ever before.
I used to think that if my AH wanted to have a conversation and was in a very negative, confrontational mood that I had to engage him in conversation, convince him not to be so negative, placate him so he didn't get so upset, make up for the things he was upset about, run interference between him and everyone else etc etc. Quite frankly it was exhausting and not really my place to do that. Now I just take responsibility for my part in any conversation. And he has responsibility for what he brings to the conversation. It's been fascinating to see how this has evolved. My AH at times will say "I'm not in a good mood so I'm just not going to talk ok?" And he says that honestly in a good way. That is much better to live with than the ranting of negativity that would occur before. I learned this over time in the program and by having lots of opportunities to practice detachment.
I know this can be difficult. Keep coming back.
I now have a different view of life, love and reality. I now realize that nobody has a perfect life, a perfect partner or a perfect marriage. I have relatives and friends who struggle with some of the same issues without the alcoholism. Unfortunately for them, there is no recovery option and they have no tools to work on themselves. I pray for them often/always as they have it much worse than me - I have a program that gave me back my gift of choices!
When I met and married my AH, we were different. We are on opposite sides of the political world, he's introverted and I'm extroverted. I was a professional employee, he was a union employee. My point - we clashed often on our values, attitudes, opinions before he relapsed. We both enjoy a spirited debate and that's never changed. I can and do talk to him about anything I desire and never have stopped. What has changed is me - I no longer have to be right nor do I have to justify, argue, defend or explain. I can share about others, my day, my program, etc. calmly and let go of their reactions/responses. A perfect example, both of my boys are currently anti-AA. I shared my 29 years coin with each of them when I saw them....(my sponsor ordered a very special, very cool coin/medallion)
They both just looked and said Congratulations (which is great growth). My youngest genuinely was proud of me and I could feel it in his added words and actions. My oldest was indifferent and apathetic and I could also feel it in his added words and actions. My response to both was identical - thank you. This disease in my life was/is the gift that keeps on giving. I am more authentic now than ever before as recovery has gifted me a way deeper understanding of who I really am and what I really need. I no longer have to feel better than or less than another. I can choose who to share what with, when and how. I have deeper intimacy in all my relationships and friends that know me better than I know myself. I no longer have any secrets, shame or fear - all of which consumed me before....
I would not trade my life, my AH or my A Sons for a dude that kissed my walk or worshiped me deeply. I had that in my first marriage and I felt smothered and undeserving. We grow and change in recovery and there is no limits to my choices today. I will forever be grateful for this diseased as it brought me to recovery and a life I would never have known otherwise.
Awesome topic.
The only safe-ish topic for me is the accomplishments of my children. I think it's easy for just about anyone to feel joy when it comes to the success of a child.
I say it's safe-ish, because almost any topic can start a problem. The most obscure things can start a rant.
It's almost laughable sometimes! I sent my best-friends mother a thank you over Facebook for inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner. Told her it was delicious & it was nice to see those I hadn't seen in a while.
I didn't even know my mom would be able to see it, because I sent it directly to my friends mom. But somehow she did, and that started trouble. Even simple thank you's to others can start the punching bag process.
I guess she thinks that I am thankful towards someone else, I must be spiteful and ungrateful towards her?
The stuffing was worth it :)
It is so comforting to know that there are others who deal with this too.
This might sound weird, but at the moment, it helps for me to picture a giant red "ALCOHOLIC" stamp across their forehead while they talk to me. I don't do this in judgement, I do this because it allows me to see the disease and not let the nastiness flowing out of their mouths harm me or upset me. I know they are not in control of themselves and deep in there, somewhere, is a loving person.
-- Edited by sarahGee on Wednesday 19th of October 2016 10:28:37 AM
This time I have stuck with it. Learning and changing and recovering. Big step forward for me.
One i am proud of.
The fact that current hub is an alkie is a gift because there was a ready-made program for me.
This is an amazing topic and I am so thankful to my loving HP for bringing this up AGAIN. I just spoke and heard others speak about the same topic at my home group yesterday. It is such a tightrope walk to find the things we can discuss on any given day. And I too so relate to Calm Lady's post above. I feel that this program and my HP is encouraging me to realize and strive to become the person I am meant to be, and yet it feels like I cannot be that person with my AH most of the time. And that feels untrue to myself, my HP and the world.
I am really seeing that not speaking is very powerful in its own way. Not as a weapon, but as a way to diffuse and gather my own thoughts together. I am working on holding my thoughts up against the marker of the acronym T*H*I*N*K. And sometimes the best thing I can do is say nothing.
I continue to pray that the balance I so desire will be found in my life. And I know through speaking my truth in the safety of this forum and my F2F meetings bring me closer to that place. I love all the responses here on this topic and I will reread them again to get even more clarity.
Thank you all for your honest sharing. I hope you know how crucial your words are at any given time to someone in need!
I take that like being in a meeting and the topic is resentments and when I share, if I share I share about what I found out, what I learned and what I do now and then I pass. That is what has worked for me and may work again no guarantee or expectations. ((((hugs))))