hi, all. so i've been attending mtgs on and off for a while but now i'm feeling that i'm hitting my own bottom and need help. need some specific guidance/ advice/ feedback on placing myself back at the center of my life and figuring out what's best for me, what i need... so i'm looking for a sponsor and attending meetings more often and regularly. i've been focused on my alcoholic boyfriend/ fiancé for too long. he just went into inpatient rehab for the first time since i've known him (he did a few others prior to our meeting). i'm doing my best not to worry about what comes next - for him, for us.
so, my understanding is that he is my "qualifier". right? this relationship is what brought me to al-anon. i have not had any relationships with substance abuse or abusers in the past. (i am NOT attracted to drama but i've had soooome history of playing "savior" in others' lives and i have what i think is an unhealthily long fuse before i get angry.)
however... i'd say my mother had undiagnosed and unacknowledged depression. i was her counselor/ parentified child as a teenager and young adult. i also had a parent kind of role with my younger sister. my father was mild but emotionally absent. i always felt like the only adult at home. i was pretty much the family therapist, the go-between, the analyst, peacekeeper, etc. this is to say that in my family, i had plenty of practice of putting everyone else's needs before my own. i did not enjoy this role but it was mine.
does this make my mother a qualifier in some way or just mean i was set up for codependence and unhealthy patterns? just curious because i hear some definitions in the rooms and i'm not always clear.
one more thing - is there some rule about not beginning step work unless you have a sponsor? i've heard some things and am a bit confused about sponsorship. and since i'm sort of beginning again are beginner meetings something i should focus on? i've only been to a few of those because of scheduling and i'm not sure how much that matters.
any advice/ insight welcome and appreciated, thank you in advance.
-- Edited by Junenine on Tuesday 18th of October 2016 07:31:27 PM
hotrod said
Oct 18, 2016
Hi Junenine Many members say that they are their own qualifiers because it is their own reactions that brings us into program. Others call the alcoholic in their lives their qualifiers.
The following "FAQ" post has some helpful information for newcomers
Juneine...welcome to the family and anytime anyone "pokes" Betty Her ESH floats out...Experience Strength and Hope which has supported all of us. Al-Anon is so long and so wide that "Keeping an open mind" when you are in a meeting or around old timers creates learning and growth so keep on keeping on and coming back. Your question is a hint that more growth will come...Enjoy!! The old timers love to watch the newbies grow and grow up so don't hesitate. When you grow ....we grow.
Our lingo is over 65+ years old and since The Al-Anon Family Groups are world wide we get ESH from all over so recovery is dynamic as we keep coming back and give and take what we learn.
My learning has come from every aspect of the program and I have been blessed to achieve more often than not that one promise at the end of our 2nd step SANITY.
Stick around and keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Junenine said
Oct 19, 2016
thank you, Jerry. i attended a helpful meeting today and had a good face to face exchange. i find it interesting that there often seems to be an aversion to answering direct questions. i guess it's my learning curve. all the best to you and thanks for the encouragement.
maryjane said
Oct 20, 2016
An aversion to answering direct questions................. yup, that's us. The reason is that we don't know your whole story and some things would turn out really bad if we suggested you do a, b or c and we didn't know that a, b or c was the exact opposite from what you needed. You are the only one who knows all the details so we keep saying for you to keep learning. Keep learning the alanon program and in the meantime keep on taking care of yourself.
Junenine said
Oct 20, 2016
hi, maryjane - thanks for your response and i totally understand that. but asking about step work seems quite neutral to me, unlike asking for advice. anyway, thanks for your explanation and all the best.
newnoz said
Oct 20, 2016
It has been my experience that even some long time members do not explain the steps well. Some people are not very good at explaining things. If you are willing to hang around you may start to recognise how the steps work by observation. My suggestions would be to keep asking. It is OK to ask questions as much as you need to. Go to other meetings. Each meeting is a thing in itself : autonomous as it says in the traditions. Read literature. The answer may be in one of those pamphlets and it surely will be in a book. If you can't yet afford one than try the library.
It will become clear in time though i can still recall how frustrating it was in the beginning not to understand how the program works.
Lastly ask again HERE.
Good luck to you.
Junenine said
Oct 20, 2016
thank you, newnoz. i am willing to hang around and i've read some and have a collection of program literature that i'll be continuing. i appreciate you commenting and wish you well!
-- Edited by Junenine on Thursday 20th of October 2016 10:57:25 PM
maryjane said
Oct 21, 2016
Hi again. Your qualifier is whoever gets you to alanon. My AH is mine. Some people identify more people in their lives that should have been their initial qualifiers if they had known what they were dealing with. Your mom probably set you up to be a "helper". Funny statistic is that most nurses have a druggie or alcoholic in their family.
As far as doing step work without a sponsor? Why not? When you go to meetings it is impossible to not hear all about the steps. Your whole first meeting is about step one. Some people spend a whole year just on steps 1,2 and 3. With the workbooks that are available you can get a good start on step 4. We alanons tend to be hard on ourselves, so a good alanon friend is important to remind you to be gentle with yourself when doing any of the steps.
and always..... take care of yourself.
seahorselady said
Oct 21, 2016
My experience with trying to do the steps on my own was one if frustration and confusion at times. To me, sponsorship was crucual. I read the books, literature, went to meetings,etc., which were also crucial, all the while interpreting it all through my distorted habitual way of thinking. I needed someone who had broken through that habitual thinking and had their experience to point out certain things to help illuminate, explain in depth, over and over in my case, just how the steps changed their thinking and thus change their lives. It was true for me that I couldn't change my thinking with the same mind that created it in the first place...I needed a sponsor. All the best!
Junenine said
Oct 21, 2016
thank you, maryjane. i appreciate your perspective. i've heard some different ideas on this, that's why i put out the question. i need some time right now because i'm buried under tasks and the best self-care i've been able to manage is to get to meetings. one day at a time, indeed, though these days are kicking me hard. thanks for taking the time.
Junenine said
Oct 21, 2016
hi, seahorselady! thank you for commenting. i understand. i was looking for different people's perspectives so appreciate you sharing. i'm looking for a sponsor although right now i'm too busy to do much of anything except manage to get to meetings. but this will pass, i will have more time, and i have my eye out for someone who might be a good match. all the best.
Iamhere said
Oct 21, 2016
Junenine - the best part of recovery is you get to set the pace at which you progress. I truly believe that sponsors locally are the best course of action but have heard of success with online sponsors - there are some who don't have local F2F meetings available or they are not mobile. I also believe that finding a sponsor will happen when it's supposed to.
I don't go out of my way to avoid direct questions but do try to share my ESH instead of my opinion or advice. Most of us make good al-anoners because we thought we had all the answers, knew what others should do and got frustrated, anxious, angry, sad or whatever when it did not happen that way. It's just the way that recovery works best - we are all equals whether one has been there for years or just days.
I readily admit that I showed up to Al-Anon locally wanting to know how to fix my qualifier. I was a bit disappointed when instead I was told to read the literature, and come back. I was anxious, sad, impatient and wanted solutions/answers. In time, I learned that this is just how it works - we are each allowed the dignity to learn about the program and the tools and to walk our path as we need to.
So - do your thing and keep coming back! Also, if you look to the top right, there is a step study area that you can review, read, add to if desired! It's a great process to review if desired and reading other shares often gets me thinking in a way I might not consider on my own!
Junenine said
Oct 21, 2016
thank you, Iamhere. well said. i like "walk our path as we need to." it seems a well thought out and artful program and i'm grateful. i'm also wiped out, so in the interest of self care, i'm getting myself some ridiculously needed sleep. thanks for sharing and have a good night.
hi, all. so i've been attending mtgs on and off for a while but now i'm feeling that i'm hitting my own bottom and need help. need some specific guidance/ advice/ feedback on placing myself back at the center of my life and figuring out what's best for me, what i need... so i'm looking for a sponsor and attending meetings more often and regularly. i've been focused on my alcoholic boyfriend/ fiancé for too long. he just went into inpatient rehab for the first time since i've known him (he did a few others prior to our meeting). i'm doing my best not to worry about what comes next - for him, for us.
so, my understanding is that he is my "qualifier". right? this relationship is what brought me to al-anon. i have not had any relationships with substance abuse or abusers in the past. (i am NOT attracted to drama but i've had soooome history of playing "savior" in others' lives and i have what i think is an unhealthily long fuse before i get angry.)
however... i'd say my mother had undiagnosed and unacknowledged depression. i was her counselor/ parentified child as a teenager and young adult. i also had a parent kind of role with my younger sister. my father was mild but emotionally absent. i always felt like the only adult at home. i was pretty much the family therapist, the go-between, the analyst, peacekeeper, etc. this is to say that in my family, i had plenty of practice of putting everyone else's needs before my own. i did not enjoy this role but it was mine.
does this make my mother a qualifier in some way or just mean i was set up for codependence and unhealthy patterns? just curious because i hear some definitions in the rooms and i'm not always clear.
one more thing - is there some rule about not beginning step work unless you have a sponsor? i've heard some things and am a bit confused about sponsorship. and since i'm sort of beginning again are beginner meetings something i should focus on? i've only been to a few of those because of scheduling and i'm not sure how much that matters.
any advice/ insight welcome and appreciated, thank you in advance.
-- Edited by Junenine on Tuesday 18th of October 2016 07:31:27 PM
The following "FAQ" post has some helpful information for newcomers
alanon.activeboard.com/t13820090/frequently-asked-questions/
thank you, Betty.
Juneine...welcome to the family and anytime anyone "pokes" Betty Her ESH floats out...Experience Strength and Hope which has supported all of us. Al-Anon is so long and so wide that "Keeping an open mind" when you are in a meeting or around old timers creates learning and growth so keep on keeping on and coming back. Your question is a hint that more growth will come...Enjoy!! The old timers love to watch the newbies grow and grow up so don't hesitate. When you grow ....we grow.
Our lingo is over 65+ years old and since The Al-Anon Family Groups are world wide we get ESH from all over so recovery is dynamic as we keep coming back and give and take what we learn.
My learning has come from every aspect of the program and I have been blessed to achieve more often than not that one promise at the end of our 2nd step SANITY.
Stick around and keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
thank you, Jerry. i attended a helpful meeting today and had a good face to face exchange. i find it interesting that there often seems to be an aversion to answering direct questions. i guess it's my learning curve. all the best to you and thanks for the encouragement.
hi, maryjane - thanks for your response and i totally understand that. but asking about step work seems quite neutral to me, unlike asking for advice. anyway, thanks for your explanation and all the best.
It will become clear in time though i can still recall how frustrating it was in the beginning not to understand how the program works.
Lastly ask again HERE.
Good luck to you.
thank you, newnoz. i am willing to hang around and i've read some and have a collection of program literature that i'll be continuing. i appreciate you commenting and wish you well!
-- Edited by Junenine on Thursday 20th of October 2016 10:57:25 PM
thank you, maryjane. i appreciate your perspective. i've heard some different ideas on this, that's why i put out the question. i need some time right now because i'm buried under tasks and the best self-care i've been able to manage is to get to meetings. one day at a time, indeed, though these days are kicking me hard. thanks for taking the time.
hi, seahorselady! thank you for commenting. i understand. i was looking for different people's perspectives so appreciate you sharing. i'm looking for a sponsor although right now i'm too busy to do much of anything except manage to get to meetings. but this will pass, i will have more time, and i have my eye out for someone who might be a good match. all the best.
I don't go out of my way to avoid direct questions but do try to share my ESH instead of my opinion or advice. Most of us make good al-anoners because we thought we had all the answers, knew what others should do and got frustrated, anxious, angry, sad or whatever when it did not happen that way. It's just the way that recovery works best - we are all equals whether one has been there for years or just days.
I readily admit that I showed up to Al-Anon locally wanting to know how to fix my qualifier. I was a bit disappointed when instead I was told to read the literature, and come back. I was anxious, sad, impatient and wanted solutions/answers. In time, I learned that this is just how it works - we are each allowed the dignity to learn about the program and the tools and to walk our path as we need to.
So - do your thing and keep coming back! Also, if you look to the top right, there is a step study area that you can review, read, add to if desired! It's a great process to review if desired and reading other shares often gets me thinking in a way I might not consider on my own!
thank you, Iamhere. well said. i like "walk our path as we need to." it seems a well thought out and artful program and i'm grateful. i'm also wiped out, so in the interest of self care, i'm getting myself some ridiculously needed sleep. thanks for sharing and have a good night.