My boyfriend graduation from a 30 day recovery program on Saturday morning. He was supposed to go into a Sober Living house on Monday. I picked him up Sat and took him out to breakfast. He ordered a beer. I laughed and asked if he was joking. He said "I'll be right back". He left me at the restaurant and walked to the closest liquor store. From there, he said he just needed to get this out of system and promised to go to the Sober House Monday. I believed him. Monday came and went. He then promised Tuesday. He didn't drink Tuesday morning and as I was driving him to the Sober House, he confessed that he would rather drink. So I dropped him off at a hotel (he doesn't currently have a home) and he took a cab to a friends house. I don't know where he's at now. I'm sure I will hear from him when he gets lonely and/or needs a place to stay and/or runs out of money.
This weekend binge caused him to miss work, miss the sober house, and miss his first meeting with his probation officer.
Our relationship is new - about two months. His family has disowned him after this recent binge.
I feel numb. I can't help him. Do I just cut off all contact?
When is enough, enough?
e_i_m said
Oct 18, 2016
Oh, Lys, I'm sorry you're in such a pickle. We are not supposed to give advice in al-anon. We often find the answer within us when we look completely honestly at ourselves and our situation. One thing that helps me to discern an answer for myself is to consider if someone else were in my shoes, what would I think was the best course of action. So if you knew someone who had known a guy for two months and one of those months he was in a 30 day program, was on probation, and as soon as he left the program he started drinking and then vanished and is in trouble with P.O, what do you think would be the best course of action for that friend?
Good luck -- I hope you can find some face to face al-anon meetings and that you will find in them the courage and strength and recovery that many of us have found.
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2016
So sorry for your worry and pain. I do believe that only you can answer your primary question - When is enough, enough....I don't know if you worked on any recovery while he was away - if not, you can get tons of support and tools by attending local Al-Anon meetings. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
hotrod said
Oct 18, 2016
((LYS)) this is a dreadful chronic disease. I am sorry for your pain and still suggest that you attend alanon face to face meetings
starcatcher2 said
Oct 19, 2016
Lys wrote:
My boyfriend graduation from a 30 day recovery program on Saturday morning. He was supposed to go into a Sober Living house on Monday. I picked him up Sat and took him out to breakfast. He ordered a beer. I laughed and asked if he was joking. He said "I'll be right back". He left me at the restaurant and walked to the closest liquor store. From there, he said he just needed to get this out of system and promised to go to the Sober House Monday. I believed him. Monday came and went. He then promised Tuesday. He didn't drink Tuesday morning and as I was driving him to the Sober House, he confessed that he would rather drink. So I dropped him off at a hotel (he doesn't currently have a home) and he took a cab to a friends house. I don't know where he's at now. I'm sure I will hear from him when he gets lonely and/or needs a place to stay and/or runs out of money.
This weekend binge caused him to miss work, miss the sober house, and miss his first meeting with his probation officer.
Our relationship is new - about two months. His family has disowned him after this recent binge.
I feel numb. I can't help him. Do I just cut off all contact?
When is enough, enough?
Hello Lys,
I am new to this site also. I can completely empathize with your pain right now. I had no idea when I started seeing my boyfriend at the time that he was a alcoholic. He disappeared for 5 days (we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks), then out of the blue I get a phone call admitting he was an alcoholic and went on a binge. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, but she didn't go into binges like he does/did. Fast forward a year, and I am still with him (loooong story). That was my choice. I could have walked away when he first told me, but I didn't. I remember feeling the way you explained....numb, helpless all of the above. Unfortunately what I have learned is he has to want to change. Nothing we can do, say, cry, plead about is going to make them change. I went through it with my Mother (who actually tried to commit suicide to escape it all, thankfully she is still with me). It showed me that they really do not have control of what they do. It consumes every thought.
I hope whatever decision you decide you truly take care of YOU. I'm still learning how, it's a struggle, but I take it moment by moment, day by day. Some days are better than others.
Lys said
Oct 20, 2016
Thank you all for the encouragement and kind words. I am so hurt by his choices and actions this past weekend. I know it has to be him that wants to change. He has been telling me that from day one. His mother texted me saying he was back in the ER to detox last night. The length of his binges have gotten shorter since I met him. I'm still at a loss of what to do. I have all of his belongings in my car from his time in rehab - I believe he left them in there so he has an excuse to see me again. I haven't answered his calls. He will be sleeping for a couple of days while he detoxes, he's back at his moms house. I have to drop off his things. Now that a couple of days have gone by I miss him. But, I still don't know if I should just cut off contact completely or give it all another chance. I have no idea what I'm going to do....
The scariest part is he made the decision while sober to look at all of the good things happening for him in his life.. he still has a job, he was about to go into sober living, he got off pretty easy in terms of his second DUI.... everything that happened was best case scenario - and he knowingly threw it all away by choosing to take that first sip.
He still hasn't hit his rock bottom. And i don't think I want to be there to see it when he does....
kspec85 said
Oct 20, 2016
This is just my experience My afiancé had very short binges and we first got together. When he would go out on the binges he would not respond to anyone but me. It made me feel special that I could call him home and he would listen to me. Now that we've been together for 2 1/2 years and even though he's been in and out of recovery, he no longer responds to me. Which makes me even crazier and had he never responded to me at all. He is gone on a binge right now has been gone for three days. Prior to these three days that he's been gone he was home for three days, and prior to that he was gone for 11 days. He would not call will not text will not respond to my voicemail or anything. I have no idea where he is.
Part of my journey now, is trying to figure out why the hell I stayed during this thing from the very beginning, when it was obvious that he had a ton of his own s**t he needed to work on. The red flags were abundant from the beginning, but he made me feel so special. And I felt like I could be the saving grace for his issues. This gave me the illusion of some form of control. I found out the very hard way that I have no control.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 21st of October 2016 06:22:00 AM
el-cee said
Oct 20, 2016
His family has disowned him? it takes a lot of issues, possibly years of bad behaviour for a family to disown their son, brother etc. Big big warning sign. your two months in, if youve just stumbled into this relationship accidntally then run as fast as you can and next time be more careful or choosy about who you begin dating but your here suggesting you have some issues of your own, ideas of changing him, saving him etc and for me this is most likely to be dangerous for this guy, you could potentially be the next enabler in his life, keeping him from his bottom possibly for years. OR another scenario may be that your seeking out alanon quickly, get to meetings work a program and you get yourself some healthy thinking, good for you and him if you keep him around. the chojce is yours.
Jerry F said
Oct 20, 2016
Lys...Welcome to the board...I hope you stick around for a long while and get to as many Al-Anon Face to face meetings that you can - one day at a time. Alcoholics are children of God with a compulsion to drink habitually and an allergy to alcohol. They do have a compulsion with that allergy and this disease is a fatal one for the alcoholic and for many attached to the alcoholic. I was born and raised within the disease and the majority of my relatives were alcoholic and also addicts. They were not bad people...none of us are and were however we were very very sick and needed to find another way of living which assured us sanity and serenity and the compulsion to be alcohol and drug free on a daily basis. We can only do this on a daily basis.
Part of my own recovery has been as a substance abuse therapist which constantly assured me that the disease was not curable and could only be arrested by total abstinence. That is what I do today...I stay totally abstinent from the chemical and those who are compulsively addicted to it and display the insanity caused by it.
When was enough, enough? February 8, 1979 I admitted I was powerless and stopped dead in my tracks then went to my first self voluntary Al-Anon face to face group; the Monday Night College Church of Christ AFG. It wasn't and still isn't a religious meeting however I learned to live the steps and traditions of this program religiously or fall to the fatality of alcoholism. 9 years later I also entered AA and I have been repeating that process religiously for 37 years knowing that this disease constantly waits for the next attempt...It tries often with the program's around me.
If you are ready to yell "UNCLE" as I did, keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
pinkchip said
Oct 21, 2016
I would say you have more than enough to go on to say ENOUGH! The problem with us alanonoers is we keep looking at out qualifiers and saying ENOUGH when its about you! This guy was spinning out of control and bringing not much to the table from the start. He's been in rehab half your relationship. He may be feeding your esteem saying you are the only one who ever cared like this and made him want to stop and blah blah blah. Look...alcoholics are generally not evil. They are SICK! Be careful and take care of you. Question why not a more stable guy that is really able to manage his own life? Or in the meanwhile, no guy and take care of YOU with out all the horrid drama that is other people's problems you need not take on.
Mattie said
Oct 21, 2016
You have an accurate picture of how it's going to be from now on - a roller coaster of in and out of rehab, disappearing, reappearing and needing something, going off on a bender again, making promises, going back on the promises... It can be exciting, can't it? The hope and the fact that you never know what's going to happen next, it's all very dramatic. You feel like big things are going on. That can be a nice distracting from the everyday blah blah blah of life ... until it gets incredibly painful. Which happens quite soon. Then it stays extremely painful - for as long as we hang on to the drama and our unrealized hopes.
But you are only two months in this. It takes 6-12 months to see all sides of a person, the bad as well as the good. What I mean is that you haven't even seen the really bad yet! You're still in the "honeymoon" phrase where we see the promise and fabulousness of the person. Nobody is all promise and fabulousness; that inevitably is supplemented by the boring, the annoying, and the troublesome sides of a person. In some people those things are minor. In some people they're major. But in all cases, two months in is the most starry-eyed, exciting, and fabulous-seeming phase.
I submit that you deserve someone who has his act together and can be there for you. Someone who keeps his promises and does not need a major life overhaul to be in a relationship. Someone who is ready.
If you are hoping that this guy's promise holds up, the safe thing to do is to wait until he has a good deal of successful program behind him. Generally it takes 1-2 years of working his program hard for a person to be stable and mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. He will be warned that in the first year, he should not be starting any relationships. So there's no need to worry that he'd find someone else in the meantime. If he's healthy, he'll be following the directives. If he's breaking the directives, he's not healthy and not a good relationship partner anyway. But you can save yourself a lot of pain and grief by waiting to be sure his recovery is solid before adding a relationship to the mix. Right now there isn't any recovery to be solid. But should there be some. I imagine everyone on these boards wishes they'd waited till their partner's recovery was solid before entangling themselves. Whatever you decide, I hope you'll find a good meeting. Take good care of yourself.
Iamhere said
Oct 21, 2016
(((Lys))) - I believe if you read back over your post above, you will begin to 'see' what your plan/planning may need. We work hard to focus on one day at a time, and so, just for today - what makes sense for you? I had great difficulty in accepting I could not affect or influence the outcome for one suffering from this disease. The pain of not knowing what came next almost put me down too. The only way I could make any effort in fixing me was to break down things to one moment at a time, and putting me first.
He is going to do whatever he is going to do. Nothing you do/don't do will influence it differently. Projecting for him or the future doesn't help with today at all. Be gentle with you, do the next right thing (for you) and stay in the present as best you can.
Keep coming back! You are worth it!
Lys said
Oct 21, 2016
To clarify, his mom said she had disowned him and two days later was in the hospital with him while he was detoxing. I didn't answer his calls so I imagine he called her next. Now he is staying with her. She is very inconsistent.
I hate the drama. It has been a rollercoaster. I genuinely did not expect him to relapse so quickly. His mom told me he usually stays sober for 2-4 weeks after a program.
Our relationship progressed very quickly. (We've been talking about how beautiful our kids would be since our second date.) Partially because we drank in the evenings together at first - it took a couple of weeks for me to realize he drank all day too. I met him at the end of a 14 day bender. As soon as I realized his situation, I brought him to detox immediately. He was put on a wait list for the recovery center and relapsed. He drank for about a week, I brought him back to detox and he was accepted into recovery from there.
You'd think a DUI, stolen wallet, car impounded, and no place to live would be one's rock bottom. It terrifies me to think what it will take for him to face reality.
Does anyone have experience talking to someone about starting medication for a bi-polar or anxiety disorder? Is there a directory of therapists that are well versed in the subject? I would probably have to go first and then ask him to join me. I doubt he'd go on his own.
I am also honestly considering therapy for myself to try and figure out why I love someone who doesn't seem to even love themselves.
Thank you again for all of your support. I've never been to a meeting in person, I think I will try it.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 21, 2016
Lys wrote:
To clarify, his mom said she had disowned him and two days later was in the hospital with him while he was detoxing. I didn't answer his calls so I imagine he called her next. Now he is staying with her. She is very inconsistent.
I hate the drama. It has been a rollercoaster. I genuinely did not expect him to relapse so quickly. His mom told me he usually stays sober for 2-4 weeks after a program.
Our relationship progressed very quickly. (We've been talking about how beautiful our kids would be since our second date.) Partially because we drank in the evenings together at first - it took a couple of weeks for me to realize he drank all day too. I met him at the end of a 14 day bender. As soon as I realized his situation, I brought him to detox immediately. He was put on a wait list for the recovery center and relapsed. He drank for about a week, I brought him back to detox and he was accepted into recovery from there.
You'd think a DUI, stolen wallet, car impounded, and no place to live would be one's rock bottom. It terrifies me to think what it will take for him to face reality.
Does anyone have experience talking to someone about starting medication for a bi-polar or anxiety disorder? Is there a directory of therapists that are well versed in the subject? I would probably have to go first and then ask him to join me. I doubt he'd go on his own.
I am also honestly considering therapy for myself to try and figure out why I love someone who doesn't seem to even love themselves.
Thank you again for all of your support. I've never been to a meeting in person, I think I will try it.
Hi Lys,
I'm in therapy too for that exact reason. I hear you! My ABF is seeing a psychiatrist. I know with my own health insurance there are psychiatrists that specialize in drug/alcohol addiction. I couldn't speak for his of course. Right now they prescribed my BF an anti-depressant. Maybe an evaluation later on down the line will bring up something else, but for right now at least he is on a positive path. We're just taking it one day at a time. I have to remind myself on what my expectations are, and to not expect anything from him. At least not right now. I hope that you can find peace for yourself. HUGSto you.
Mattie said
Oct 21, 2016
When I was with my alcoholic, I just couldn't figure out why he couldn't turn the corner into continued recovery. What I wish someone had told me is that ony 15-25% of those who enter recovery programs achieve longterm sobriety. In other words, the majority never do. I was holding my breath waiting for something to happen that simply was not going to happen. Of course, statistics don't say anything definitive about any particular case. But it's also true that we can be pretty sure that, as the saying goes, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Assuming he keeps on doing what he's been doing, he will keep on being what he's been. We Al-Anoners are really good at seeing people's potential, but we can end up living in a hypothetical future where they've done all this changing, instead of the real present and the way they actually are. Hope you will take good care of yourself.
Iamhere said
Oct 21, 2016
Lys - my experience is the same/similar to stargazer - insurance determines which professionals are covered....many have web sites where you can determine their specialty. If you believe there is mental health issues + alcoholism, they will usually either list them out separately or be called a dual diagnosis counselor.
If you have local meetings, you should give one/two/few a try. My meetings are an important part of my recovery and I believe they are the cornerstone for change....
Keep coming back!
Lucy125 said
Oct 22, 2016
Sometimes it's hard to do what is best. I think accountability is the way out of this mess.
Jayla said
Oct 23, 2016
Hi Lys. As I read your posts, I feel compelled to reply. I just want to make you aware that this guy you have been seeing is already showing some red flags for future domestic violence in addition to the alcohol abuse. They come on strong, heavy with the charm, move the relationship along very fast at a very early stage and he's already got a pretty serious alcohol addiction. These are all red flags for relationships that have a high potential of becoming abusive in the future. Just something to consider as you try to do what's best for you. I would have loved for someone to have warned me before I had a child with an abuser. Now I can never get away from him.
Crau said
Oct 23, 2016
Sounds so familiar -verbatim of when my ex got out of rehab. "I'll go to sober living on Wednesday" he said on Monday his first day out. Drank himself silly that day...moved out of my place a week later, drank himself silly that day too. Three weeks later after a full blown relaps, sober living Was his next venture. One month there and returning to live with another woman... the next relaps came just 2months later, complete with a DWI and a weekend in jail. That was his rock bottom. Not the intervention or me asking him to leave. Not the required month in sober living on his treatment plan either. The best thing we all did for him was to let him go and figure this out on his own.
Almost 6 months sober and working his program and being a friend to all those he has met through his journey to sobriety...letting go of the control I had, the anxiety I had when I couldn't talk to him and then when I didn't want to talk to him...and living my life in front of me...that was all I could do. For him and most importantly for me. It wasn't easy and it's still a learning curve but having the ability to detach was and still my favorite lesson I've learned.
I wish you the strength you need to be where you need to be for yourself right now. The rest will fall into place when it is supposed to!
Lys said
Oct 28, 2016
Thank you again for all the support.
My boyfriend is 10 days sober. Things have been going really well this week. He's in a sober living house. He's back at work and going to meetings almost everyday. His sponsor said no 'relationships' so we are taking things really slow. Best case scenario right now and on the right track to establishing a healthy relationship (we hope).
Jayla, I appreciate the warning about possible domestic abuse in the future. However, I don't believe that to be the case. I believe he really wants all of those things at some point. When he's sober he's super shy and never tries to "charm" his way. I've been in a domestically abusive relationship and this guy is absolutely nothing like that.
Iamhere said
Oct 29, 2016
(((Lys))) - sounds like a lovely start - continued positive thoughts and prayers headed your way for you and your BF!!!
My boyfriend graduation from a 30 day recovery program on Saturday morning. He was supposed to go into a Sober Living house on Monday. I picked him up Sat and took him out to breakfast. He ordered a beer. I laughed and asked if he was joking. He said "I'll be right back". He left me at the restaurant and walked to the closest liquor store. From there, he said he just needed to get this out of system and promised to go to the Sober House Monday. I believed him. Monday came and went. He then promised Tuesday. He didn't drink Tuesday morning and as I was driving him to the Sober House, he confessed that he would rather drink. So I dropped him off at a hotel (he doesn't currently have a home) and he took a cab to a friends house. I don't know where he's at now. I'm sure I will hear from him when he gets lonely and/or needs a place to stay and/or runs out of money.
This weekend binge caused him to miss work, miss the sober house, and miss his first meeting with his probation officer.
Our relationship is new - about two months. His family has disowned him after this recent binge.
I feel numb. I can't help him. Do I just cut off all contact?
When is enough, enough?
Good luck -- I hope you can find some face to face al-anon meetings and that you will find in them the courage and strength and recovery that many of us have found.
((LYS)) this is a dreadful chronic disease. I am sorry for your pain and still suggest that you attend alanon face to face meetings
Hello Lys,
I am new to this site also. I can completely empathize with your pain right now. I had no idea when I started seeing my boyfriend at the time that he was a alcoholic. He disappeared for 5 days (we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks), then out of the blue I get a phone call admitting he was an alcoholic and went on a binge. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, but she didn't go into binges like he does/did. Fast forward a year, and I am still with him (loooong story). That was my choice. I could have walked away when he first told me, but I didn't. I remember feeling the way you explained....numb, helpless all of the above. Unfortunately what I have learned is he has to want to change. Nothing we can do, say, cry, plead about is going to make them change. I went through it with my Mother (who actually tried to commit suicide to escape it all, thankfully she is still with me). It showed me that they really do not have control of what they do. It consumes every thought.
I hope whatever decision you decide you truly take care of YOU. I'm still learning how, it's a struggle, but I take it moment by moment, day by day. Some days are better than others.
The scariest part is he made the decision while sober to look at all of the good things happening for him in his life.. he still has a job, he was about to go into sober living, he got off pretty easy in terms of his second DUI.... everything that happened was best case scenario - and he knowingly threw it all away by choosing to take that first sip.
He still hasn't hit his rock bottom. And i don't think I want to be there to see it when he does....
This is just my experience My afiancé had very short binges and we first got together. When he would go out on the binges he would not respond to anyone but me. It made me feel special that I could call him home and he would listen to me. Now that we've been together for 2 1/2 years and even though he's been in and out of recovery, he no longer responds to me. Which makes me even crazier and had he never responded to me at all. He is gone on a binge right now has been gone for three days. Prior to these three days that he's been gone he was home for three days, and prior to that he was gone for 11 days. He would not call will not text will not respond to my voicemail or anything. I have no idea where he is.
Part of my journey now, is trying to figure out why the hell I stayed during this thing from the very beginning, when it was obvious that he had a ton of his own s**t he needed to work on. The red flags were abundant from the beginning, but he made me feel so special. And I felt like I could be the saving grace for his issues. This gave me the illusion of some form of control. I found out the very hard way that I have no control.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 21st of October 2016 06:22:00 AM
Lys...Welcome to the board...I hope you stick around for a long while and get to as many Al-Anon Face to face meetings that you can - one day at a time. Alcoholics are children of God with a compulsion to drink habitually and an allergy to alcohol. They do have a compulsion with that allergy and this disease is a fatal one for the alcoholic and for many attached to the alcoholic. I was born and raised within the disease and the majority of my relatives were alcoholic and also addicts. They were not bad people...none of us are and were however we were very very sick and needed to find another way of living which assured us sanity and serenity and the compulsion to be alcohol and drug free on a daily basis. We can only do this on a daily basis.
Part of my own recovery has been as a substance abuse therapist which constantly assured me that the disease was not curable and could only be arrested by total abstinence. That is what I do today...I stay totally abstinent from the chemical and those who are compulsively addicted to it and display the insanity caused by it.
When was enough, enough? February 8, 1979 I admitted I was powerless and stopped dead in my tracks then went to my first self voluntary Al-Anon face to face group; the Monday Night College Church of Christ AFG. It wasn't and still isn't a religious meeting however I learned to live the steps and traditions of this program religiously or fall to the fatality of alcoholism. 9 years later I also entered AA and I have been repeating that process religiously for 37 years knowing that this disease constantly waits for the next attempt...It tries often with the program's around me.
If you are ready to yell "UNCLE" as I did, keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
You have an accurate picture of how it's going to be from now on - a roller coaster of in and out of rehab, disappearing, reappearing and needing something, going off on a bender again, making promises, going back on the promises... It can be exciting, can't it? The hope and the fact that you never know what's going to happen next, it's all very dramatic. You feel like big things are going on. That can be a nice distracting from the everyday blah blah blah of life ... until it gets incredibly painful. Which happens quite soon. Then it stays extremely painful - for as long as we hang on to the drama and our unrealized hopes.
But you are only two months in this. It takes 6-12 months to see all sides of a person, the bad as well as the good. What I mean is that you haven't even seen the really bad yet! You're still in the "honeymoon" phrase where we see the promise and fabulousness of the person. Nobody is all promise and fabulousness; that inevitably is supplemented by the boring, the annoying, and the troublesome sides of a person. In some people those things are minor. In some people they're major. But in all cases, two months in is the most starry-eyed, exciting, and fabulous-seeming phase.
I submit that you deserve someone who has his act together and can be there for you. Someone who keeps his promises and does not need a major life overhaul to be in a relationship. Someone who is ready.
If you are hoping that this guy's promise holds up, the safe thing to do is to wait until he has a good deal of successful program behind him. Generally it takes 1-2 years of working his program hard for a person to be stable and mature enough to be in a healthy relationship. He will be warned that in the first year, he should not be starting any relationships. So there's no need to worry that he'd find someone else in the meantime. If he's healthy, he'll be following the directives. If he's breaking the directives, he's not healthy and not a good relationship partner anyway. But you can save yourself a lot of pain and grief by waiting to be sure his recovery is solid before adding a relationship to the mix. Right now there isn't any recovery to be solid. But should there be some. I imagine everyone on these boards wishes they'd waited till their partner's recovery was solid before entangling themselves. Whatever you decide, I hope you'll find a good meeting. Take good care of yourself.
He is going to do whatever he is going to do. Nothing you do/don't do will influence it differently. Projecting for him or the future doesn't help with today at all. Be gentle with you, do the next right thing (for you) and stay in the present as best you can.
Keep coming back! You are worth it!
I hate the drama. It has been a rollercoaster. I genuinely did not expect him to relapse so quickly. His mom told me he usually stays sober for 2-4 weeks after a program.
Our relationship progressed very quickly. (We've been talking about how beautiful our kids would be since our second date.) Partially because we drank in the evenings together at first - it took a couple of weeks for me to realize he drank all day too. I met him at the end of a 14 day bender. As soon as I realized his situation, I brought him to detox immediately. He was put on a wait list for the recovery center and relapsed. He drank for about a week, I brought him back to detox and he was accepted into recovery from there.
You'd think a DUI, stolen wallet, car impounded, and no place to live would be one's rock bottom. It terrifies me to think what it will take for him to face reality.
Does anyone have experience talking to someone about starting medication for a bi-polar or anxiety disorder? Is there a directory of therapists that are well versed in the subject? I would probably have to go first and then ask him to join me. I doubt he'd go on his own.
I am also honestly considering therapy for myself to try and figure out why I love someone who doesn't seem to even love themselves.
Thank you again for all of your support. I've never been to a meeting in person, I think I will try it.
Hi Lys,
I'm in therapy too for that exact reason. I hear you! My ABF is seeing a psychiatrist. I know with my own health insurance there are psychiatrists that specialize in drug/alcohol addiction. I couldn't speak for his of course. Right now they prescribed my BF an anti-depressant. Maybe an evaluation later on down the line will bring up something else, but for right now at least he is on a positive path. We're just taking it one day at a time. I have to remind myself on what my expectations are, and to not expect anything from him. At least not right now. I hope that you can find peace for yourself. HUGS to you.
When I was with my alcoholic, I just couldn't figure out why he couldn't turn the corner into continued recovery. What I wish someone had told me is that ony 15-25% of those who enter recovery programs achieve longterm sobriety. In other words, the majority never do. I was holding my breath waiting for something to happen that simply was not going to happen. Of course, statistics don't say anything definitive about any particular case. But it's also true that we can be pretty sure that, as the saying goes, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Assuming he keeps on doing what he's been doing, he will keep on being what he's been. We Al-Anoners are really good at seeing people's potential, but we can end up living in a hypothetical future where they've done all this changing, instead of the real present and the way they actually are. Hope you will take good care of yourself.
If you have local meetings, you should give one/two/few a try. My meetings are an important part of my recovery and I believe they are the cornerstone for change....
Keep coming back!
Sometimes it's hard to do what is best. I think accountability is the way out of this mess.
Hi Lys. As I read your posts, I feel compelled to reply. I just want to make you aware that this guy you have been seeing is already showing some red flags for future domestic violence in addition to the alcohol abuse. They come on strong, heavy with the charm, move the relationship along very fast at a very early stage and he's already got a pretty serious alcohol addiction. These are all red flags for relationships that have a high potential of becoming abusive in the future. Just something to consider as you try to do what's best for you. I would have loved for someone to have warned me before I had a child with an abuser. Now I can never get away from him.
My boyfriend is 10 days sober. Things have been going really well this week. He's in a sober living house. He's back at work and going to meetings almost everyday. His sponsor said no 'relationships' so we are taking things really slow. Best case scenario right now and on the right track to establishing a healthy relationship (we hope).
Jayla, I appreciate the warning about possible domestic abuse in the future. However, I don't believe that to be the case. I believe he really wants all of those things at some point. When he's sober he's super shy and never tries to "charm" his way. I've been in a domestically abusive relationship and this guy is absolutely nothing like that.