First contact with my alcoholic since I started Al Anon.
sarahGee said
Oct 18, 2016
I am proud of myself, but I have realized that I have a loooooong way to go.
I haven't had a long conversation with my mom (one of the qualifiers in my life) in about two weeks. This might not seem like long, but we were so intertwined that most days we would only go an hour or two without speaking or being together. She comes into my place of work, parks herself and drinks there. Will follow me home afterwards, park herself and drink there. Then will go home, sit on Facebook and follow my every move. I am her emotional care taker. I spend all day every day picking her mood up, spinning many plates trying to make sure she doesn't fall into a hole.
I finally hit a wall with her and I exploded two weeks ago. It did nothing for me, and nothing for her. I joined this group and attended my first meeting.
She was diagnosed with cancer last week. She had my father contact me to tell me, because she wouldn't speak to me. (How dare I speak up to her!) I was upset about the diagnosis, also upset that she was using it as a tool to make me feel guilt about standing up to her. She and my dad played it up a little more than was necessary. Basically telling everyone we knew that mom was knocking on deaths door. They told me that she had aggressive cancer, was having emergency surgery next week. Turns out she had a small cluster of cells around a mole.
She is fine.
When I found that out, it was really hard not to get angry. The usual thoughts ran through my head "why would she do that to us? Who convinces their kids, family and grandkids that they will be dead in the near future? THAT IS MESSED UP"
But thankfully I have Al Anon, and it has taught me to see the disease of alcoholism for what it is. I was able to quickly silence those thoughts and refocus.
So yesterday, I saw her in person. I gave her a hug and told her I was sorry about her diagnosis. She went on for an hour or so, explaining all of the people she "had to call and deliver the news" (her cleaning lady, the 80 year old lady that lives 3 floors down from her in her island condo - that she barely knows - etc)
I sat, I listened. I was a shoulder. I didn't say anything. No eye rolls. She sat and drank the entire time we were together, about 3 hours. Drove home.
I never offered my thoughts, I never let her words and jabs anger me. I just listened. She didn't want to discuss our words from a few weeks ago, I didn't push the topic.
I am proud of myself for letting it roll off of my back. BUT I know I still have a long way to go. I had to actively keep reminding myself to sit, keep quiet and listen without judgement.
I am excited for the day that these actions will become habits.
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2016
Sounds to me as if you done good!!! I had great difficulty breaking old habits - they just were such a part of me.....the more I embraced the program, the steps, the tools, etc. the easier it got and it even is automatic more so now than before.
Celebrate yourself - you appear to be a Miracle in Progress!!
e_i_m said
Oct 18, 2016
One concept that's been helpful to me is "it took me 40+ years to get this way, so I'm not gonna break those habits overnight". Some of my own character defects/no-longer-useful coping mechanisms/old habits disappeared instanteously when I examined them honestly as I first started in al-anon -- I saw them as awful and whoosh, away they went. Others.... not so quickly. Another al-anon concept or frame of reference is "what are you getting out of x behavior?" and if I can be 100% honest, I see that some part of me is indeed getting something out of holding on to a behavior that some part of me wants to shed. "HP, grant me patience with the changes that take time" is a good prayer for me as is the reminder to be gentle with self. Undoing the crazy thinking that comes from growing up with alcoholics is not typically undone overnight. Just being able to see things differently and know that different reactions/responses are available is major progress.
Lucy125 said
Oct 22, 2016
Reminds me a little of my mom. My mom does not drink. She's 90, but she can't understand why I don't see or speak to my 18 year old daughter daily. My daughter is in college.
I am proud of myself, but I have realized that I have a loooooong way to go.
I haven't had a long conversation with my mom (one of the qualifiers in my life) in about two weeks. This might not seem like long, but we were so intertwined that most days we would only go an hour or two without speaking or being together. She comes into my place of work, parks herself and drinks there. Will follow me home afterwards, park herself and drink there. Then will go home, sit on Facebook and follow my every move. I am her emotional care taker. I spend all day every day picking her mood up, spinning many plates trying to make sure she doesn't fall into a hole.
I finally hit a wall with her and I exploded two weeks ago. It did nothing for me, and nothing for her. I joined this group and attended my first meeting.
She was diagnosed with cancer last week. She had my father contact me to tell me, because she wouldn't speak to me. (How dare I speak up to her!) I was upset about the diagnosis, also upset that she was using it as a tool to make me feel guilt about standing up to her. She and my dad played it up a little more than was necessary. Basically telling everyone we knew that mom was knocking on deaths door. They told me that she had aggressive cancer, was having emergency surgery next week. Turns out she had a small cluster of cells around a mole.
She is fine.
When I found that out, it was really hard not to get angry. The usual thoughts ran through my head "why would she do that to us? Who convinces their kids, family and grandkids that they will be dead in the near future? THAT IS MESSED UP"
But thankfully I have Al Anon, and it has taught me to see the disease of alcoholism for what it is. I was able to quickly silence those thoughts and refocus.
So yesterday, I saw her in person. I gave her a hug and told her I was sorry about her diagnosis. She went on for an hour or so, explaining all of the people she "had to call and deliver the news" (her cleaning lady, the 80 year old lady that lives 3 floors down from her in her island condo - that she barely knows - etc)
I sat, I listened. I was a shoulder. I didn't say anything. No eye rolls. She sat and drank the entire time we were together, about 3 hours. Drove home.
I never offered my thoughts, I never let her words and jabs anger me. I just listened. She didn't want to discuss our words from a few weeks ago, I didn't push the topic.
I am proud of myself for letting it roll off of my back. BUT I know I still have a long way to go. I had to actively keep reminding myself to sit, keep quiet and listen without judgement.
I am excited for the day that these actions will become habits.
Celebrate yourself - you appear to be a Miracle in Progress!!
Reminds me a little of my mom. My mom does not drink. She's 90, but she can't understand why I don't see or speak to my 18 year old daughter daily. My daughter is in college.