I recently reached out to a family member who has been estranged for almost two years. I had heard she was ill and decided to send her a potted plant and a note because I wanted to show my compassion for her illness. She responded a few days later with a text, and it seems we may be moving towards some reconciliation.
I'm still experiencing a lot of fear when I think about her. Both fear based on what she said and did in the past - fearful of what she might do or say, and fear of my own vulnerabilities - afraid of facing my part in the chaos and harm of our relationship. Part of me just wants to keep avoiding the whole mess, but this illness made me realize how quickly she (or anyone) could be gone and how little I gain from living in fear.
I don't know what I stand to gain in reconciliation - part of why I have been slow to move in that direction - what I want to lose though is this sense of fear and anxiety that comes from viewing her as a villian in my mind and the feeling of guilt or shame over my shortcomings in our relationship. We may not be close ever again, I don't know how emotionally healthy she is now. But, I hope to free myself from the negative thinking our fighting and estrangement has created within me.
Any insights or suggested reading to help me move through this would be very welcome
hotrod said
Oct 18, 2016
Sending the plant was a huge first step in the right direction. I would work a 4th through 10th Step on the relationship and define my part so as to shed the fear. Making amends in the 9 th Step could allow you to connect in a healthy fashion. Good Luck.
SerenityRUS said
Oct 18, 2016
Personally, I have to really examine my motives for wanting to reconnect with someone that had a negative impact on my life. Some people are only meant for a season even if they are family members. The best I can do is not allow that season to dictate the rest of my life. What are my expectations? Are they unrealistic expectations? Can I accept if the person has not changed and is still where they are the last time we connected? Lots and lots of prayers as to the highest good of all concerned.
I wonder what your sponsor suggests or her/his ESH is on the subject. My sponsor always suggested I do what is in my best interests emotionally, mentally.
Recently I have reconnected with my mom, I use that term very loosely, I plan on having limited contact with her however nothing that will put my peace and serenity at risk. I see old patterns playing out the difference this time is I know what is my part and I don't have to play that part anymore. It's very difficult not to get sucked back in and it's very draining. Honestly, I don't do relationships well. I try .. lol .. it's not something that comes easy for me.
Hugs S :)
milkwood said
Oct 18, 2016
Hi Taraxacum,
What a kind thing to do and I'm sure it is appreciated.
When I reconnected with a distant relative a few years ago I enjoyed seeing them and felt a warm connection. The second time we met up they raised some issues that didn't need to be raised and that had nothing to do with me.
I'm pleased that I had the opportunity to make my own choice and it gave me a sense of what my own discernment felt like in practise. I found that by keeping an open mind, accepting things as they were, I was blessed with a lesson that served me well. If I had done my normal people pleasing and let the conversation continue I'm sure that I would have been very upset and confused by the end of it. I didn't let them have that power over me - yay, that felt like progress!!!
Taraxacum said
Oct 18, 2016
This is all very helpful. I did slow myself down and really think before sending the plant and short note. I did not want to project too much or make a huge gesture. I do care about her and wish her well even if we don't talk and her illness is/was serious. But, someone being ill does not mean they suddenly learned ti be healthy or kind.
I'll be holding your thoughts in my mind and working my steps over the next few days.
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2016
Taraxacum - one of my defects in my inventory was around relationships and my own attitude. I had gone through life feeling less than or better than others and neither is effective for true unconditional love, which clearly also affected(s) my relationships. I believe most of us are taught that family comes first, blood is thicker than water and the like. I can suggest I used to use sarcasm, and follow these type of cliches with unless it's mine ... or something similar.
As I've worked on my own recovery, what I discovered is I do not want to leave this earth with any ill-will. For me, this applies to how I view others as well as how they view me. Realizing I have no control over how others think, feel, see, act, process, do does not excuse my reactions, responses, words, etc. So - as Betty suggests, doing step work on each of my relationships that matter truly helped me be a kinder, gentler soul. It was very comforting for me to realize and accept that recovery is a life-long continuing process, where we go for progress and not perfection. As I examine my relationships and what my part is, I consider the success as well as the barriers. I also examine my motives clearly and because this disease is woven deeply in my blood-line trust HP to lead me accordingly.
We had a baby shower this past Sunday. My cousin who was hosting asked me to come early and set up as well as to make a pasta salad. I did both and the shower was lovely. At the end, she was cold and distant from me, and I had no idea why. The program tells me to look at my side of the street. I also prayed for guidance. Yesterday she sent me a text message and thanked me and shared she was upset at a comment I made about customer service at a local store. There are 10 of these stores in our area, and I had a bad experience. She just happens to manage one of the 10, however I don't shop at her store as it's a bit far for me. So - she overheard me talking about my experience, assumed it was for her store and got upset.
I would never have gotten 'there' on my own....however, because I've fed her recovery slogans/more over the years, she was willing to share why she was upset. I was willing to apologize for her hurt feelings, and explain I was speaking of a different location and compliment her on the shower as it truly was awesome! We ended our back and forth with mutual I love yous and it's all good.
Before recovery, I would have eye-rolled, made sure she knew how wrong she was for eavesdropping, assuming, and how immature she was for pouting instead of explaining. Before recovery, I may have even walked away from her, assuming she was wrong, I was right and playing the blame game. Instead, I listened, used my tools, owned my part and cleared the air as best I could.
Before recovery, I would dismiss others who did not meet my expectations. When I arrived at recovery, because of my distorted values and thinking, I'd truly isolated and dismissed many. In each of these situations, the common denominator was ME! I had quite a bit or work to restore many relationships, and am grateful the program and my sponsor have helped me do so.
I love that you reached out first. I believe that is the spirit of recovery - we do what we can to right our wrongs and be of maximum service to others with kindness and unconditional love. I am only able to get there by working the steps, establishing healthy boundaries and detaching with love when/as needed.
I recently reached out to a family member who has been estranged for almost two years. I had heard she was ill and decided to send her a potted plant and a note because I wanted to show my compassion for her illness. She responded a few days later with a text, and it seems we may be moving towards some reconciliation.
I'm still experiencing a lot of fear when I think about her. Both fear based on what she said and did in the past - fearful of what she might do or say, and fear of my own vulnerabilities - afraid of facing my part in the chaos and harm of our relationship. Part of me just wants to keep avoiding the whole mess, but this illness made me realize how quickly she (or anyone) could be gone and how little I gain from living in fear.
I don't know what I stand to gain in reconciliation - part of why I have been slow to move in that direction - what I want to lose though is this sense of fear and anxiety that comes from viewing her as a villian in my mind and the feeling of guilt or shame over my shortcomings in our relationship. We may not be close ever again, I don't know how emotionally healthy she is now. But, I hope to free myself from the negative thinking our fighting and estrangement has created within me.
Any insights or suggested reading to help me move through this would be very welcome
I wonder what your sponsor suggests or her/his ESH is on the subject. My sponsor always suggested I do what is in my best interests emotionally, mentally.
Recently I have reconnected with my mom, I use that term very loosely, I plan on having limited contact with her however nothing that will put my peace and serenity at risk. I see old patterns playing out the difference this time is I know what is my part and I don't have to play that part anymore. It's very difficult not to get sucked back in and it's very draining. Honestly, I don't do relationships well. I try .. lol .. it's not something that comes easy for me.
Hugs S :)
What a kind thing to do and I'm sure it is appreciated.
When I reconnected with a distant relative a few years ago I enjoyed seeing them and felt a warm connection. The second time we met up they raised some issues that didn't need to be raised and that had nothing to do with me.
I'm pleased that I had the opportunity to make my own choice and it gave me a sense of what my own discernment felt like in practise. I found that by keeping an open mind, accepting things as they were, I was blessed with a lesson that served me well. If I had done my normal people pleasing and let the conversation continue I'm sure that I would have been very upset and confused by the end of it. I didn't let them have that power over me - yay, that felt like progress!!!
I'll be holding your thoughts in my mind and working my steps over the next few days.
As I've worked on my own recovery, what I discovered is I do not want to leave this earth with any ill-will. For me, this applies to how I view others as well as how they view me. Realizing I have no control over how others think, feel, see, act, process, do does not excuse my reactions, responses, words, etc. So - as Betty suggests, doing step work on each of my relationships that matter truly helped me be a kinder, gentler soul. It was very comforting for me to realize and accept that recovery is a life-long continuing process, where we go for progress and not perfection. As I examine my relationships and what my part is, I consider the success as well as the barriers. I also examine my motives clearly and because this disease is woven deeply in my blood-line trust HP to lead me accordingly.
We had a baby shower this past Sunday. My cousin who was hosting asked me to come early and set up as well as to make a pasta salad. I did both and the shower was lovely. At the end, she was cold and distant from me, and I had no idea why. The program tells me to look at my side of the street. I also prayed for guidance. Yesterday she sent me a text message and thanked me and shared she was upset at a comment I made about customer service at a local store. There are 10 of these stores in our area, and I had a bad experience. She just happens to manage one of the 10, however I don't shop at her store as it's a bit far for me. So - she overheard me talking about my experience, assumed it was for her store and got upset.
I would never have gotten 'there' on my own....however, because I've fed her recovery slogans/more over the years, she was willing to share why she was upset. I was willing to apologize for her hurt feelings, and explain I was speaking of a different location and compliment her on the shower as it truly was awesome! We ended our back and forth with mutual I love yous and it's all good.
Before recovery, I would have eye-rolled, made sure she knew how wrong she was for eavesdropping, assuming, and how immature she was for pouting instead of explaining. Before recovery, I may have even walked away from her, assuming she was wrong, I was right and playing the blame game. Instead, I listened, used my tools, owned my part and cleared the air as best I could.
Before recovery, I would dismiss others who did not meet my expectations. When I arrived at recovery, because of my distorted values and thinking, I'd truly isolated and dismissed many. In each of these situations, the common denominator was ME! I had quite a bit or work to restore many relationships, and am grateful the program and my sponsor have helped me do so.
I love that you reached out first. I believe that is the spirit of recovery - we do what we can to right our wrongs and be of maximum service to others with kindness and unconditional love. I am only able to get there by working the steps, establishing healthy boundaries and detaching with love when/as needed.