hi, everyone. new here. been attending meetings on and off for over a year. recently re-committed because my life has been in turmoil over the past few weeks. (months? years?)
i think i'm hitting my own bottom, where i need to seriously get in touch with what I (me, me, me) need and want.
my fiancé is an alcoholic. was sober when we met. lives with me in my place. caught him drinking in 2014, he did an outpatient program but never stuck with any after care or program. another crisis in 2015 where he did outpatient detox but again never did much else. looooong story short, i found out recently that he's been lying and deceiving me on a pretty epic scale. he has been unemployed and struggling. i've seen plenty of dysfunctional behavior and thought he was in an addictive behavior pattern but i didn't know he was actually drinking until very recently. ACTUALLY... i should say i had a few suspicions, some strong ones, over the past several months, but any time i asked him to take an antabuse (this was our agreement following his last detox), he did. i started wondering if he was tricking me with the pills, but i couldn't really imagine that, so i believed him.
well, he was tricking me. pretending to swallow but not swallowing. so i'm not a cop. and if i were, i'd be a bad one.
so. he's been lying to me about alcohol for over 3.5 years of our 5.5 years together, with a few bouts of honesty thrown in there.
i have never been through this. i have been despondent. he has been living with me and he's been incredibly challenging to live with.
oh, and i love him. and we've had a wonderful relationship and i still think we have a good foundation but now there's a HUGE layer of crap and dysfunction and deception on top of that.
he was just admitted to an inpatient program.
i'm trying to take one day at a time. grateful to have my own space and quiet.
but the looming question that i am dreading sooooOOO incredibly much is what next? do i have him back living with me after 30 days or so? or halfway house/ sober house, etc.? he has no money and i've been supporting him for past couple years, mostly. he has zero support system in place. i'm beyond fed up with feeling like his mother.
i've been loving and supportive and it hasn't helped. instead, i've enabled this to go on and on with my support.
i'm so heartbroken that this beautiful relationship has taken such a dive into darkness. i've had so much hope for us, for him. and now, i know nothing except that i'm exhausted and depleted and need to place myself more centrally in my own life.
thanks for "listening".
hotrod said
Oct 17, 2016
Welcome Junenine You are not alone I can readily identify with the disappointment and broken trust. I am glad that you have discovered alanon face to face meetings and i would like to urge you to recommit to attending so as to develop new and healthy tools to live by as you receive the support you need in this challenging situation.
Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. Focusing all our energies on our own recovery produces powerful results.
I pray that you keep coming back.
2HP said
Oct 17, 2016
"I'm trying to take one day at a time. grateful to have my own space and quiet."
That was my favorite part of your post you are doing as well as anyone can, I know it's hard to sit in the discomfort.
Your post reminded me of what it feels like to finally give myself PERMISSION to get honest about how I feel.. ("Life feels unmanageable...!!!")
...to give myself permission to admit reality ("I can't")
...to give myself permission to admit defeat ("I cannot control his drinking... it's a war I cannot win)
....to give myself permission to detach and get peaceful, the best problem solving resource is peace... the need to take good responsible care of ME now.
...to give myself permission to let go of my sense of urgency, and the need to know outcomes. I like using my GOD BOX, letting God have it all... it feels very nurturing for me. I invite you to do the next most nurturing thing for YOU, whatever that looks like, my friend.
Enigmatic said
Oct 17, 2016
Glad you're here, so glad you reached out, you've got the right place. Fight, walk, drag your way to a meeting, it is the place to start. I hear you, it is the most challenging thing you've ever faced...there is hope. Hang in there, don't give up...I felt similar feelings, found incredible relief in AlAnon...keep coming back
Junenine said
Oct 17, 2016
many thanks, Betty. i'm very grateful for Al Anon as a resource and a community these days. for sure.
Junenine said
Oct 17, 2016
thank you so much, 2HP. i appreciate and relate to all of your points. thanks for taking the time.
-- Edited by Junenine on Monday 17th of October 2016 09:24:52 PM
Junenine said
Oct 17, 2016
many thanks to you, Paul. glad to hear you've found progress.
Iamhere said
Oct 17, 2016
junenine - I too send you warm welcomes to MIP! So glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. It sounds like he's where he needs to be. I can share that Al-Anon was for me the game-changer. I was exhausted and worn down by the disease and the diseased and found hope and help in local meetings. The best part about attending meetings is it gives me a safe place to share how I am, and to hear ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) from others who've been around longer than I. I saw others when I arrived who were actually at peace and with joy and I truly thought it was beyond my reach.
My sanity was slowly restored and I now better make decisions that are in my best interest for my life, my joy and my sanity. Where he is going, etc. doesn't have to be decided right now - just be gentle with you and try to live one day at a time.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
Junenine said
Oct 18, 2016
thank you, "i am here", for being there. i hope i'm replying right on this thing. anyway, i really appreciate your comment. i'm breathing a sigh of relief to have my space and have access to some really excellent meetings. but in the background is the hum of "should i stay/ should i go"... which i know i can't answer right now. one day at a time. new (not so new) mantra.
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2016
You are doing great!!! My mind was able to calm each time I recalled one day at a time - we also often suggest one moment at a time if we needed to calm it down even more! I also heard in early recovery that I can start my day over at any time - which was a simple, but new concept to me...
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!!
Lucy125 said
Oct 22, 2016
I am learning alcoholics are really really good at hiding their drinking. It's not your fault. I have a bottle of wine in my house. If you ask me, I'll tell you. You can go and see. I have no secrets. I had a glass last night. One SMALL glass. I am finding that when my brother told me he only drank one drink, he meant a WHOLE bottle. When he told me liquor was a good anti depressant, I thought he meant one small glass, not the whole freaking bottle. His excuse to his kids was that he had a high tolerance. He had excuses for everything.
pinkchip said
Oct 23, 2016
Junenine - we are not supposed to give advice but it sounds like you have great awareness about enabling and how this is playing out. The questions you ask have multiple components. What is best for him, for you, and the relationship? You identified he needs greater independence, self motivation and his own supports aside from you. Can and will he build that while living with you? What has the past shown you in regard to that? For you...are you ready to let him go enough to find his way in AA and the real world enough to see him either succeed or flop on his face hard without you so involved? Cuz how else will he learn? Do you really want an adult thay handles their own crap for a partner or do you say you do then act differently? The more he owns his own disease and the more you detach, the more you have to question your own behavior and enabling patterns. What you describe does not sound like a "wonderful relationship" to me. It sounds like you really love a very sick person and it's making you sick too. It has potential sure...but you both are best getting well through your own programs. Two halves to not make an awesome whole couple. Two wholes make a much better couple!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 23rd of October 2016 09:59:01 AM
Junenine said
Oct 24, 2016
thank you, Iamhere.
Junenine said
Oct 24, 2016
so well said, pinkchip. thank you. all really good questions and issues you raise. i've had the week from hell - just when i thought i was gonna have a break to rest and sleep and recuperate from the drama of the past few weeks, my elderly father came down with various health problems AND we found out he has bed bugs. so i've had to clean out his whole apartment so it can be treated. i am totally depleted.
i know the issues with my partner, i just don't know how much strength i'm going to have in the tough love department. i'm trying. it's such a messed up situation, and you're right, we've both been sick as a result of his alcoholism.
trying to have faith and strength and use the program to the best of my ability. humbled, nervous, exhausted in so many ways. thank you of for your words.
hi, everyone. new here. been attending meetings on and off for over a year. recently re-committed because my life has been in turmoil over the past few weeks. (months? years?)
i think i'm hitting my own bottom, where i need to seriously get in touch with what I (me, me, me) need and want.
my fiancé is an alcoholic. was sober when we met. lives with me in my place. caught him drinking in 2014, he did an outpatient program but never stuck with any after care or program. another crisis in 2015 where he did outpatient detox but again never did much else. looooong story short, i found out recently that he's been lying and deceiving me on a pretty epic scale. he has been unemployed and struggling. i've seen plenty of dysfunctional behavior and thought he was in an addictive behavior pattern but i didn't know he was actually drinking until very recently. ACTUALLY... i should say i had a few suspicions, some strong ones, over the past several months, but any time i asked him to take an antabuse (this was our agreement following his last detox), he did. i started wondering if he was tricking me with the pills, but i couldn't really imagine that, so i believed him.
well, he was tricking me. pretending to swallow but not swallowing. so i'm not a cop. and if i were, i'd be a bad one.
so. he's been lying to me about alcohol for over 3.5 years of our 5.5 years together, with a few bouts of honesty thrown in there.
i have never been through this. i have been despondent. he has been living with me and he's been incredibly challenging to live with.
oh, and i love him. and we've had a wonderful relationship and i still think we have a good foundation but now there's a HUGE layer of crap and dysfunction and deception on top of that.
he was just admitted to an inpatient program.
i'm trying to take one day at a time. grateful to have my own space and quiet.
but the looming question that i am dreading sooooOOO incredibly much is what next? do i have him back living with me after 30 days or so? or halfway house/ sober house, etc.? he has no money and i've been supporting him for past couple years, mostly. he has zero support system in place. i'm beyond fed up with feeling like his mother.
i've been loving and supportive and it hasn't helped. instead, i've enabled this to go on and on with my support.
i'm so heartbroken that this beautiful relationship has taken such a dive into darkness. i've had so much hope for us, for him. and now, i know nothing except that i'm exhausted and depleted and need to place myself more centrally in my own life.
thanks for "listening".
Welcome Junenine You are not alone I can readily identify with the disappointment and broken trust. I am glad that you have discovered alanon face to face meetings and i would like to urge you to recommit to attending so as to develop new and healthy tools to live by as you receive the support you need in this challenging situation.
Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. Focusing all our energies on our own recovery produces powerful results.
I pray that you keep coming back.
That was my favorite part of your post
Your post reminded me of what it feels like to finally give myself PERMISSION to get honest about how I feel.. ("Life feels unmanageable...!!!")
...to give myself permission to admit reality ("I can't")
...to give myself permission to admit defeat ("I cannot control his drinking... it's a war I cannot win)
....to give myself permission to detach and get peaceful, the best problem solving resource is peace... the need to take good responsible care of ME now.
...to give myself permission to let go of my sense of urgency, and the need to know outcomes. I like using my GOD BOX, letting God have it all... it feels very nurturing for me. I invite you to do the next most nurturing thing for YOU, whatever that looks like, my friend.
many thanks, Betty. i'm very grateful for Al Anon as a resource and a community these days. for sure.
thank you so much, 2HP. i appreciate and relate to all of your points. thanks for taking the time.
-- Edited by Junenine on Monday 17th of October 2016 09:24:52 PM
many thanks to you, Paul. glad to hear you've found progress.
My sanity was slowly restored and I now better make decisions that are in my best interest for my life, my joy and my sanity. Where he is going, etc. doesn't have to be decided right now - just be gentle with you and try to live one day at a time.
Keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
thank you, "i am here", for being there. i hope i'm replying right on this thing. anyway, i really appreciate your comment. i'm breathing a sigh of relief to have my space and have access to some really excellent meetings. but in the background is the hum of "should i stay/ should i go"... which i know i can't answer right now. one day at a time. new (not so new) mantra.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!!
I am learning alcoholics are really really good at hiding their drinking. It's not your fault. I have a bottle of wine in my house. If you ask me, I'll tell you. You can go and see. I have no secrets. I had a glass last night. One SMALL glass. I am finding that when my brother told me he only drank one drink, he meant a WHOLE bottle. When he told me liquor was a good anti depressant, I thought he meant one small glass, not the whole freaking bottle. His excuse to his kids was that he had a high tolerance. He had excuses for everything.
Junenine - we are not supposed to give advice but it sounds like you have great awareness about enabling and how this is playing out. The questions you ask have multiple components. What is best for him, for you, and the relationship? You identified he needs greater independence, self motivation and his own supports aside from you. Can and will he build that while living with you? What has the past shown you in regard to that? For you...are you ready to let him go enough to find his way in AA and the real world enough to see him either succeed or flop on his face hard without you so involved? Cuz how else will he learn? Do you really want an adult thay handles their own crap for a partner or do you say you do then act differently? The more he owns his own disease and the more you detach, the more you have to question your own behavior and enabling patterns. What you describe does not sound like a "wonderful relationship" to me. It sounds like you really love a very sick person and it's making you sick too. It has potential sure...but you both are best getting well through your own programs. Two halves to not make an awesome whole couple. Two wholes make a much better couple!
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 23rd of October 2016 09:59:01 AM
thank you, Iamhere.
so well said, pinkchip. thank you. all really good questions and issues you raise. i've had the week from hell - just when i thought i was gonna have a break to rest and sleep and recuperate from the drama of the past few weeks, my elderly father came down with various health problems AND we found out he has bed bugs. so i've had to clean out his whole apartment so it can be treated. i am totally depleted.
i know the issues with my partner, i just don't know how much strength i'm going to have in the tough love department. i'm trying. it's such a messed up situation, and you're right, we've both been sick as a result of his alcoholism.
trying to have faith and strength and use the program to the best of my ability. humbled, nervous, exhausted in so many ways. thank you of for your words.