As I go along and learn more about this program, I wonder who am I supposed to turn to when I need to vent, or get some advice?
I realize that (as someone else put it so spot on) my "picker outer" is broken. So my friendships, romantic relationships and those with my family (qualifiers) aren't ideal places to turn to seek solid advice.
I believe someone said as well that no one gives advice here, only experience. Which I find really helpful.
Do you only turn to your group or other Al Anon members?
So much of what we experience where frustration is concerned stems from our expectations. Not many people I would turn to outside of Al Anon would understand that concept, and guide me with that in mind.
I hung around my ex ABF this weekend, he came up for my sons birthday party. He told me I had changed a great deal. I haven't told him what I'm doing here, but it made me feel really good when he noticed that I was calmer and even with the great stresses going on around me, I seemed to be handling it really well.
I've spent years seeking guidance from the wrong people. And I've been with this group (and my meeting group) for only a week, and I feel like my whole perspective on life has changed.
That keeps me from wanting to ask anyone outside of Al Anon for a shoulder. Is that the usual course? Is it suggested even?
Mattie said
Oct 17, 2016
When you get a sponsor, that would be one of the people you turn to. Also program friends and any friend who seems like they have awareness and emotional health. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out who those people are, of course.
hotrod said
Oct 17, 2016
((Sarah Gee) Program works and you are obviously working it. I agree with Mattie a sponsor and other alanon members are great to call. They will not give advise but will offer an alanon tool to consider.
Keep on keeping on.
MissM said
Oct 17, 2016
Prior to al-anon I had a lot of negative voices in my head and they all belonged to someone in my life, past or present who was or had been full of 'helpful" advice. You know, "you should do this", "you should make him do this", "well if you/he/they were a normal person, they would have done this" etc. A huge part of my recovery has been silencing those nagging voices and learning to have faith in my own instead. Talking to other people with a strong al-anon program helped me to do this by reminding me that I have the answers within me (or I can find them by listening to my HP or the "still quiet voice within" or whatever that looks like for you). To me that's the true wonder of the "no advice" aspect of al-anon; discovering that I have the ability to make decisions without needing validation from anyone else. For that reason, I tend to ask advice on matters that relate to recovery only from people that I know have a strong program that aligns with my own values. I don't want to replenish the stock of negative 'you should" voices in my head. If I discuss my new tools and/or attitudes now, with friends/family etc i tend to use statements that affirm what I am doing, and not ask for opinions. In fact when I get the urge to ask for an opinion (say, from my mother or one of my other qualifiers) I actually get an icky feeling as soon as I start talking because I know, deep down, that I am inviting negativity. But I do find that if I make statements "I am taking this particular action"...and don't ask for opinions, I can have productive conversations with others and consider their perspectives without feeling obliged to take on their advice because "I asked".
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 17th of October 2016 01:30:53 PM
Jerry F said
Oct 17, 2016
((((Sarah)))) I didn't get answers to my problem right away either and they came with patience over time and working the sponsor suggested definition of humility..."being teachable". I learned to listen with the "similarities" suggestion from my sponsor and then learned open trust without expectations. I listened to it all and chose several to many suggestion which might help me. All suggestions came with love and concern from the family groups so I was being cared for up to making my own choices as to what I would take and what I would leave for later.
Open mindedness and patience helped me to answer that question. I didn't rely upon anyone outside of our program back then because I needed as many similarities as I could get and that worked and still does. I always found help and there were no emergencies so great to make me rush the growing. I am still like that. If I don't know I don't know and will find out in time I like the slogans "Think" and "patience" and "open mindedness" and "When in doubt....DON'T" and such which mentor growth.
HP wants you whole and happy and able to show others in recovery that "it" can be done and then given away to others.
I listen to the old timers ESH and often will ask questions as allowed. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Suburban Denizen said
Oct 17, 2016
Hi Sarah Gee -
Listening to others share during a face-to-face meeting has helped me to find people with whom I share experiences or point-of-view - every so often someone will say something that really resonates with me, and I've never been rebuffed when I've talked to them or asked for a phone number after the meeting. I've found some amazing words of wisdom doing that, even though approaching someone I don't know well to discuss something personal can be difficult at times - and even more so when I need help the most.
I do find it easier to approach others from Al-Anon rather than friends outside the program - when everyone is sharing the same lifeboat there's a bond, understanding and willingness to help it's hard to find elsewhere. Things have been tough for me lately, and I found myself getting sleepy during meetings. I finally realized that it wasn't because I was tired so much as it was that I was finally relaxing in a safe place, comforted and with others who understand.
Take good care,
Denizen
Iamhere said
Oct 17, 2016
My experience is that it's best to take my venting, etc. to my sponsor or trusted program friends. I am guarded and private to start with and it took me time to determine what trusted program friends meant for me. I do not want my business shared with anyone else for any reason at any time and learned that gossip can be defined differently by others than how I see it. I am the one who family comes to as they know I will never, ever, ever repeat their secrets, their worries, their crazies, etc. I just don't roll that way.
I also avoid people who give advice. While Al-Anon suggests this as a guideline and many meetings prohibit it, there are those who still do so under the pretense of helping. If I call someone, I don't want to hear what they think I should do unless I ask. I would rather they listen and share any ESH they have. If they have none, I'm okay with that - I often just feel better being heard.
I rarely, if ever, share with family. None of them have experienced living with 3 qualifiers and my sharing with them causing drama, advice and concern/worry. I really need sane people when I am crazy not those that will join me on the ride!!
e_i_m said
Oct 17, 2016
Hi Sarah, I have only been on MIP for about 6 weeks, but I find people on here give quite a lot of advice. I like the back and forth discussions that happen here and find it helpful to discuss things. In the F2F meetings I go to (and have been going to steadily for about a year, and for years before that -- took a little break from al-anon and landed in a relationship with an addict), the healing I get comes from being listened to without getting advice. I have not yet been able to make any al-anon friends, so when I want to vent or get something off my chest, I used to just write about it in my journal and try to turn it over to my HP. Now, I still do that and also write about things here on MIP (not intending to get advice, but hoping that other people might share ESH about the same topic - which they often do). I have only non-al-anon friends, and recently broke up with my abf, so I feel quite alone a lot of the time, and am working on that -- trying to get to a place of being really happy without having a confidant and feeling like everything I need is within me and my HP, versus wanting to find it in other people. I am not at that place yet, but it's a goal for me. We're human beings and social creatures, so I hope to come to a place where I enjoy others' company but am "fully self-supporting" when it comes to my emotional needs.
Junenine said
Oct 17, 2016
i appreciate your post. i'm new(ISH) and have a similar question. dedicating myself to more regular meetings now and today made my first call to someone on the phone list. i haven't gotten a call back yet. i find it a bit awkward to call a stranger to begin with. i'm hoping that with more regular attendance at meetings i will find people to talk to. i need it even though i have great friends - i so appreciate being around people who have faced similar stuff. i still have a bit of a feeling like "how does this all work exactly?" until now, i have turned to a hand full of trusted friends, one of whom went to al-anon for many years.
sarahGee said
Oct 18, 2016
Thank you all for your responses.
Junenine - welcome :) It is odd thinking "I'm gonna dial this random person I met and spill my guts" lol. If you're anything like me, I don't talk about anything, to anyone, ever. So this is a tricky little demon to conquer.
I appreciate my friends, I do. But I feel like those in al anon would give me better guidance. I am learning that most everything that frustrates or upsets me, is a manifestation of bad behaviors I was taught. Bitterness, control, ego, selfishness.
I don't have a sponsor yet, and probably won't for some time. I will keep coming back here, I feel like this group can understand my backwards thinking and call me on it. Which I really need.
sarahGee said
Oct 18, 2016
MissM wrote:
Prior to al-anon I had a lot of negative voices in my head and they all belonged to someone in my life, past or present who was or had been full of 'helpful" advice. You know, "you should do this", "you should make him do this", "well if you/he/they were a normal person, they would have done this" etc. A huge part of my recovery has been silencing those nagging voices and learning to have faith in my own instead. Talking to other people with a strong al-anon program helped me to do this by reminding me that I have the answers within me (or I can find them by listening to my HP or the "still quiet voice within" or whatever that looks like for you). To me that's the true wonder of the "no advice" aspect of al-anon; discovering that I have the ability to make decisions without needing validation from anyone else. For that reason, I tend to ask advice on matters that relate to recovery only from people that I know have a strong program that aligns with my own values. I don't want to replenish the stock of negative 'you should" voices in my head. If I discuss my new tools and/or attitudes now, with friends/family etc i tend to use statements that affirm what I am doing, and not ask for opinions. In fact when I get the urge to ask for an opinion (say, from my mother or one of my other qualifiers) I actually get an icky feeling as soon as I start talking because I know, deep down, that I am inviting negativity. But I do find that if I make statements "I am taking this particular action"...and don't ask for opinions, I can have productive conversations with others and consider their perspectives without feeling obliged to take on their advice because "I asked".
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 17th of October 2016 01:30:53 PM
You have such great advice to give. Thank you!
You are right, I have a really hard time not getting my thoughts validated. It's like I need to hear "good idea" or "that's so stupid" from people that I really should NOT be taking advice from. Then the following feelings of frustration, disappointment, resentment that they don't "get me" and negative self talk begin. Or if they tell me I'm good, I feel like I'm 10 feet tall and I ride that wave until I inevitably crash soon after.
I am going to work on that. Making statements and trusting that I know what is best for me and my children.
As I go along and learn more about this program, I wonder who am I supposed to turn to when I need to vent, or get some advice?
I realize that (as someone else put it so spot on) my "picker outer" is broken. So my friendships, romantic relationships and those with my family (qualifiers) aren't ideal places to turn to seek solid advice.
I believe someone said as well that no one gives advice here, only experience. Which I find really helpful.
Do you only turn to your group or other Al Anon members?
So much of what we experience where frustration is concerned stems from our expectations. Not many people I would turn to outside of Al Anon would understand that concept, and guide me with that in mind.
I hung around my ex ABF this weekend, he came up for my sons birthday party. He told me I had changed a great deal. I haven't told him what I'm doing here, but it made me feel really good when he noticed that I was calmer and even with the great stresses going on around me, I seemed to be handling it really well.
I've spent years seeking guidance from the wrong people. And I've been with this group (and my meeting group) for only a week, and I feel like my whole perspective on life has changed.
That keeps me from wanting to ask anyone outside of Al Anon for a shoulder. Is that the usual course? Is it suggested even?
When you get a sponsor, that would be one of the people you turn to. Also program friends and any friend who seems like they have awareness and emotional health. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out who those people are, of course.
Keep on keeping on.
Prior to al-anon I had a lot of negative voices in my head and they all belonged to someone in my life, past or present who was or had been full of 'helpful" advice. You know, "you should do this", "you should make him do this", "well if you/he/they were a normal person, they would have done this" etc.
A huge part of my recovery has been silencing those nagging voices and learning to have faith in my own instead. Talking to other people with a strong al-anon program helped me to do this by reminding me that I have the answers within me (or I can find them by listening to my HP or the "still quiet voice within" or whatever that looks like for you). To me that's the true wonder of the "no advice" aspect of al-anon; discovering that I have the ability to make decisions without needing validation from anyone else.
For that reason, I tend to ask advice on matters that relate to recovery only from people that I know have a strong program that aligns with my own values. I don't want to replenish the stock of negative 'you should" voices in my head. If I discuss my new tools and/or attitudes now, with friends/family etc i tend to use statements that affirm what I am doing, and not ask for opinions. In fact when I get the urge to ask for an opinion (say, from my mother or one of my other qualifiers) I actually get an icky feeling as soon as I start talking because I know, deep down, that I am inviting negativity.
But I do find that if I make statements "I am taking this particular action"...and don't ask for opinions, I can have productive conversations with others and consider their perspectives without feeling obliged to take on their advice because "I asked".
-- Edited by MissM on Monday 17th of October 2016 01:30:53 PM
((((Sarah)))) I didn't get answers to my problem right away either and they came with patience over time and working the sponsor suggested definition of humility..."being teachable". I learned to listen with the "similarities" suggestion from my sponsor and then learned open trust without expectations. I listened to it all and chose several to many suggestion which might help me. All suggestions came with love and concern from the family groups so I was being cared for up to making my own choices as to what I would take and what I would leave for later.
Open mindedness and patience helped me to answer that question. I didn't rely upon anyone outside of our program back then because I needed as many similarities as I could get and that worked and still does. I always found help and there were no emergencies so great to make me rush the growing. I am still like that. If I don't know I don't know and will find out in time I like the slogans "Think" and "patience" and "open mindedness" and "When in doubt....DON'T" and such which mentor growth.
HP wants you whole and happy and able to show others in recovery that "it" can be done and then given away to others.
I listen to the old timers ESH and often will ask questions as allowed. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Listening to others share during a face-to-face meeting has helped me to find people with whom I share experiences or point-of-view - every so often someone will say something that really resonates with me, and I've never been rebuffed when I've talked to them or asked for a phone number after the meeting. I've found some amazing words of wisdom doing that, even though approaching someone I don't know well to discuss something personal can be difficult at times - and even more so when I need help the most.
I do find it easier to approach others from Al-Anon rather than friends outside the program - when everyone is sharing the same lifeboat there's a bond, understanding and willingness to help it's hard to find elsewhere. Things have been tough for me lately, and I found myself getting sleepy during meetings. I finally realized that it wasn't because I was tired so much as it was that I was finally relaxing in a safe place, comforted and with others who understand.
Take good care,
Denizen
I also avoid people who give advice. While Al-Anon suggests this as a guideline and many meetings prohibit it, there are those who still do so under the pretense of helping. If I call someone, I don't want to hear what they think I should do unless I ask. I would rather they listen and share any ESH they have. If they have none, I'm okay with that - I often just feel better being heard.
I rarely, if ever, share with family. None of them have experienced living with 3 qualifiers and my sharing with them causing drama, advice and concern/worry. I really need sane people when I am crazy not those that will join me on the ride!!
i appreciate your post. i'm new(ISH) and have a similar question. dedicating myself to more regular meetings now and today made my first call to someone on the phone list. i haven't gotten a call back yet. i find it a bit awkward to call a stranger to begin with. i'm hoping that with more regular attendance at meetings i will find people to talk to. i need it even though i have great friends - i so appreciate being around people who have faced similar stuff. i still have a bit of a feeling like "how does this all work exactly?" until now, i have turned to a hand full of trusted friends, one of whom went to al-anon for many years.
Junenine - welcome :) It is odd thinking "I'm gonna dial this random person I met and spill my guts" lol. If you're anything like me, I don't talk about anything, to anyone, ever. So this is a tricky little demon to conquer.
I appreciate my friends, I do. But I feel like those in al anon would give me better guidance. I am learning that most everything that frustrates or upsets me, is a manifestation of bad behaviors I was taught. Bitterness, control, ego, selfishness.
I don't have a sponsor yet, and probably won't for some time. I will keep coming back here, I feel like this group can understand my backwards thinking and call me on it. Which I really need.
You have such great advice to give. Thank you!
You are right, I have a really hard time not getting my thoughts validated. It's like I need to hear "good idea" or "that's so stupid" from people that I really should NOT be taking advice from. Then the following feelings of frustration, disappointment, resentment that they don't "get me" and negative self talk begin. Or if they tell me I'm good, I feel like I'm 10 feet tall and I ride that wave until I inevitably crash soon after.
I am going to work on that. Making statements and trusting that I know what is best for me and my children.
Thank you again. Always wise words.