My Name is Jackie, and I just started using Al-Anon a few months ago.
My first serious boyfriend was an alcoholic and PTSD. He was in the Marines and had toured twice to other countries and seen some pretty horrific things. WHen he came home, he used drinking as a coping mechanism. Unknown to how serious the situation was, I fell in love with him. As time went on he would get very angry with him, put his hands on me, couldnt have just "one", and he was very dangerous. Being my first real boyfriend and me being incredibly attached, all I tried to do was "fix" him. THINGS LIKE: monitor his drinking, tell him to "calm down", limit his from doing things. IN the end, he would just do them anyway, because he knew I would stay. I knew he loved me, so why should I leave? I was also very young and naive but AGAIN- That is me justifying the behavior. He ended up going to treatment and when he came home sober we got engaged. OF course that didnt last long. One day I left and it was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. HE is still a severe drinker.
A few years later to present, I begin dating my long time friend. We have always had a connection and seeing how we have already cared for each other for so long, it is easy to get attached. We've been dating for over a year even though it seems like a lifetime. HE recently told me he has a drug addition. Not knowing how serious the addiction was- nor understanding how to handle things like that- I trusted that he was okay and was handling it. Of course, things progressed- he got worse and ended up in jail. Before Al-Anon and a lot of reading and other counseling- I thought this was all my fault. I knew he had a problem and I did nothing to help him-I shouldve said something- etc. I also, tried monitoring him, holding his prescriptions, giving him chance after chance because he promised he'd get better. I tried EVERYTHING to make sure my best friend was okay. After being in jail, he realized his problem, and he has now been in rehab for 46 days and is coming home this week! I am so proud of him so far but we are taking everything day by day.
I now understand that I cannot CONTROL his actions. I can only control MY OWN. None of this is our faults. I repeat this to myself EVERY DAY. I have had a lot of time to reflect and I know that I attach myself to people. Even though that doesnt change the way I feel about my best friend, I now am conscious about knowing when to detach myself from the situation. When he comes home, we had certain conditions for awhile and he will be doing an Out Patient Program along the way. I want other to understand that I had been co-dependent for a LONG time and I am glad that I realized it because now I can work on myself.
ANYONE who needs help with this can come to me. Thank you all for listening! Bless Up!
-- Edited by JackieR on Sunday 16th of October 2016 10:42:12 PM
MidnightOwl said
Oct 17, 2016
JackieR - Thank you for your share and welcome to the board ^_^
So happy to hear that you've learned detachment, it's difficult to learn but so SO important for our safety and sanity. It's easy to fall into the self blame game and I'm glad to hear you're separating things out in a healthy way. Glad that you're here.
-Midnight
hotrod said
Oct 17, 2016
Welcome Jackie Glad that you shared and have found alanon face to face meetings and sre attending . It is here that I developed new tools to live by and found a supportive group of people who understood as no one else can Keep coming back There is hope and help.
lookingup said
Oct 17, 2016
((((Jackie))))) so glad you found us,I'm to practicing new tools in which to live by today,it works if you work it,one day at a time....hugs...lu
Iamhere said
Oct 17, 2016
Good morning Jackie and welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad you shared. More glad that you've found Al-Anon and our on the road with us of recovery!
Keep coming back - love your share and love the hope and help you've given us this lovely Monday morning!
My Name is Jackie, and I just started using Al-Anon a few months ago.
My first serious boyfriend was an alcoholic and PTSD. He was in the Marines and had toured twice to other countries and seen some pretty horrific things. WHen he came home, he used drinking as a coping mechanism. Unknown to how serious the situation was, I fell in love with him. As time went on he would get very angry with him, put his hands on me, couldnt have just "one", and he was very dangerous. Being my first real boyfriend and me being incredibly attached, all I tried to do was "fix" him. THINGS LIKE: monitor his drinking, tell him to "calm down", limit his from doing things. IN the end, he would just do them anyway, because he knew I would stay. I knew he loved me, so why should I leave? I was also very young and naive but AGAIN- That is me justifying the behavior. He ended up going to treatment and when he came home sober we got engaged. OF course that didnt last long. One day I left and it was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. HE is still a severe drinker.
A few years later to present, I begin dating my long time friend. We have always had a connection and seeing how we have already cared for each other for so long, it is easy to get attached. We've been dating for over a year even though it seems like a lifetime. HE recently told me he has a drug addition. Not knowing how serious the addiction was- nor understanding how to handle things like that- I trusted that he was okay and was handling it. Of course, things progressed- he got worse and ended up in jail. Before Al-Anon and a lot of reading and other counseling- I thought this was all my fault. I knew he had a problem and I did nothing to help him-I shouldve said something- etc. I also, tried monitoring him, holding his prescriptions, giving him chance after chance because he promised he'd get better. I tried EVERYTHING to make sure my best friend was okay. After being in jail, he realized his problem, and he has now been in rehab for 46 days and is coming home this week! I am so proud of him so far but we are taking everything day by day.
I now understand that I cannot CONTROL his actions. I can only control MY OWN. None of this is our faults. I repeat this to myself EVERY DAY. I have had a lot of time to reflect and I know that I attach myself to people. Even though that doesnt change the way I feel about my best friend, I now am conscious about knowing when to detach myself from the situation. When he comes home, we had certain conditions for awhile and he will be doing an Out Patient Program along the way. I want other to understand that I had been co-dependent for a LONG time and I am glad that I realized it because now I can work on myself.
ANYONE who needs help with this can come to me. Thank you all for listening! Bless Up!
-- Edited by JackieR on Sunday 16th of October 2016 10:42:12 PM
So happy to hear that you've learned detachment, it's difficult to learn but so SO important for our safety and sanity. It's easy to fall into the self blame game and I'm glad to hear you're separating things out in a healthy way. Glad that you're here.
-Midnight
Welcome Jackie Glad that you shared and have found alanon face to face meetings and sre attending . It is here that I developed new tools to live by and found a supportive group of people who understood as no one else can
Keep coming back There is hope and help.
Keep coming back - love your share and love the hope and help you've given us this lovely Monday morning!
(((Hugs)))