So, I have "known" for a while that my AH has been sneaking alcohol. He will freely drink beer in front of me, but a couple of years ago he swore off scotch and no longer sips it with his beer here in the house. He will order it when we go out....he has given himself permission to order something harder than beer when we go to dinner, but in our house he will stick to just beer. However, it has been apparent to me in the last few months, that he must have a stash somewhere, because his behaviors point to scotch......and boy do I know those behaviors!
I suspected the garage because he will go out there to smoke. I admit I have looked out there, not to confront him or do anything with it......I just wondered where the hell it was. I stopped looking because really, it didn't matter where his hiding spot was, right? For all I know he has it stashed all over the place, I have no control over it anyway, so I have been concentrating on just working my program. It has been obvious though that his consumption has increased.
Last night before bed he was pretty lit and fell twice trying to get into bed. I did not sleep with him and didn't say anything this morning. There was no point
Today I was in the kitchen, and hubby was in the garage. I heard the rattling of paper and when I looked out the kitchen door window into the garage, there he was, tipping back a bottle in the brown bag. The stereotypical look of an A....drinking from the brown paper bag. I didn't let him know I saw him.....but even though I KNEW he was sneak-drinking, it really hurt to see him in action.
I know I need to keep the focus on me and let HP take care of hubby. Sigh.............this disease just sucks.
Ellen
tired of it said
Oct 16, 2016
You are SO right Ellen--this disease sucks!!! I am sick to death of it! My AH sneaks a lot of drinks as well as openly drinking at times. I use to look for the stash but as you said, what is the point? When I do give in and look, I am only that much more disappointed with what I find. It makes it that much worse when the A feels the need to sneak it. Like you said, all you can do is try to focus on you and not react to his drinking......easier said than done!
hotrod said
Oct 16, 2016
((Ellen)) I agree. Please be gentle with yourself and keep coming back.
-
lookingup said
Oct 16, 2016
Hi Ellen,and welcome to the board so glad your here and sharing ,it's one day at a time or one moment at a time has been my all time favorite tool I've always used and helped along with the serenity prayer ,....hugs lu
Iamhere said
Oct 17, 2016
(((Ellen))) - true....so, so true. I heard in recovery often, "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" For a long, long time, my thinking was I am most happy when I am right. It took me many 24 hours to learn that was insane/distorted thinking. There is still a part of me that wants to do the leg work to 'see' the facts and prove my gut feeling is real, but instead today, I use the tools to turn it over and allow my HP to manage the big picture.
I stood in your shoes time and time again and so understand that immediate punch in the gut feeling. I believe you're a miracle in progress - you came here and posted your truth instead of sitting with it and letting it spin within you. That's the power of the 'we' in recovery - we are no longer alone and can share our truth without judgement or advice. I am sorry for your pain, I truly am - but remain hopeful that you are in a better place today as you work your recovery with us.
(((Hugs)))
Bethany66 said
Oct 17, 2016
Oh Ellen, I can so relate to your post. I am so tired of looking for the proof only to be so disappointed when I find what I already knew was there. The "controlled" drinking never lasts at our house. I realize that the alcoholism will not allow controlled anything. One day at a time, we can work the program of Al-Anon and feel the relief from these compulsions of ours to prove that there is a problem in our home. Together we can encourage each other to do the next right thing. I tell myself "ENOUGH ALREADY!!" and pray it away to my HP.
Thanks for your honest share. You give me the strength and courage to be honest as well.
sarahGee said
Oct 17, 2016
You are not alone!
I hit a low point once, I snuck home from work when I knew my ABF would be home. I parked my car down the road, and hid in the house to "find out" what he did when he thought no one was watching.
My heart was pounding out of my chest & I got the answers I wanted, but it didn't help me any. We can drive ourselves crazy searching, digging, even demanding the truth.
I am learning to let go as well. It is so difficult, but there really IS great peace in it. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Jerry F said
Oct 17, 2016
I remember when my past sponsor asked me the question "So what did you get out of it"? when I was talking about similar behaviors. My sponsor insured that I come to answer those questions and the answer was "I got hurt feelings and angry rageful emotions and behaviors" and like the program was always teaching me at that time, "When she drinks and uses...I get sick". I was choosing to get sick while I was saying I didn't want to and so I had to stop addictive behaviors and I did. I then could watch her get worse as a result of her choices while I got healthier as a result of my own. Best way to show her love I ever learned. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
El said
Oct 17, 2016
Thanks so much to everyone. Each post offers something I can take away to help me heal. I don't need any proof, as his behavior and words make it abundantly clear. What I need is to keep working my own program.
Hugs! Ellen
2HP said
Oct 17, 2016
I remember so well, looking for the "proof."
My sponsor would say something very similar to me, "If you go looking for trouble sweetie, you are sure to find it."
Take good care of YOU (((peace)))
KT2015 said
Oct 17, 2016
Hi Ellen,
I can relate to your post. I often feel that if I am being lied to or misled I need proof. Proof of what? That I am right? I know finding "proof" will hurt me because it takes my mind off the important things and focused on the unhealthy tendency to focus on AH. It is a horrible disease to have to watch someone you love struggle with. I can definitely relate to that. But you are getting stronger and working your program so well. I usually have to hand AH over to HP and keep moving forward trusting it will work out.
Sending you a big hug.
el-cee said
Oct 18, 2016
Hi el. Im sorry his drinking is progressing, its painful to see it in action like that, kind of squashes any doubt or hope and puts the truth the cold truth back in our lives. Now you know and nkw youve got a chance to sharpen those tools of yours. Making sure you have got boundaries for yourself, have you got a wee plan a or b in place just in case and to make you feel less vulnerable to any man made crisis's. Just for today you can find ways to make you feel safe and comfortable despite his progression. I also suggest thinking about reading over some of the bits of literature on detaching with love. If hes falling about the place then leave him where he lays with a blanket, dont clean up any mess he makes let him see this is getting worse. X
YARNCRAZY said
Oct 19, 2016
You can really go nuts watching this disease. it makes you do crazy things that only u imagine the drinker would do. one day about 2 yrs ago, i grabbed his vodka bottle while he chased me around the house. I got cornered in the laundry room and dumped the whole bottle in the washing machine ! sick behavior but got to admit sorta like and Tom and jerry cartoon lol.
Im no longer in such madness thanks to this board, alanon, HP and of course ME.
Jerry F said
Oct 19, 2016
Is this not one of the recovery foundations of the slogan and thought force, "Don't take it personally"? That was one of my lessons so I stopped. ((((hugs))))
Hi all!
So, I have "known" for a while that my AH has been sneaking alcohol. He will freely drink beer in front of me, but a couple of years ago he swore off scotch and no longer sips it with his beer here in the house. He will order it when we go out....he has given himself permission to order something harder than beer when we go to dinner, but in our house he will stick to just beer. However, it has been apparent to me in the last few months, that he must have a stash somewhere, because his behaviors point to scotch......and boy do I know those behaviors!
I suspected the garage because he will go out there to smoke. I admit I have looked out there, not to confront him or do anything with it......I just wondered where the hell it was. I stopped looking because really, it didn't matter where his hiding spot was, right? For all I know he has it stashed all over the place, I have no control over it anyway, so I have been concentrating on just working my program. It has been obvious though that his consumption has increased.
Last night before bed he was pretty lit and fell twice trying to get into bed. I did not sleep with him and didn't say anything this morning. There was no point
Today I was in the kitchen, and hubby was in the garage. I heard the rattling of paper and when I looked out the kitchen door window into the garage, there he was, tipping back a bottle in the brown bag. The stereotypical look of an A....drinking from the brown paper bag. I didn't let him know I saw him.....but even though I KNEW he was sneak-drinking, it really hurt to see him in action.
I know I need to keep the focus on me and let HP take care of hubby. Sigh.............this disease just sucks.
Ellen
You are SO right Ellen--this disease sucks!!! I am sick to death of it! My AH sneaks a lot of drinks as well as openly drinking at times. I use to look for the stash but as you said, what is the point? When I do give in and look, I am only that much more disappointed with what I find. It makes it that much worse when the A feels the need to sneak it. Like you said, all you can do is try to focus on you and not react to his drinking......easier said than done!
((Ellen)) I agree. Please be gentle with yourself and keep coming back.
-
I stood in your shoes time and time again and so understand that immediate punch in the gut feeling. I believe you're a miracle in progress - you came here and posted your truth instead of sitting with it and letting it spin within you. That's the power of the 'we' in recovery - we are no longer alone and can share our truth without judgement or advice. I am sorry for your pain, I truly am - but remain hopeful that you are in a better place today as you work your recovery with us.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks for your honest share. You give me the strength and courage to be honest as well.
I hit a low point once, I snuck home from work when I knew my ABF would be home. I parked my car down the road, and hid in the house to "find out" what he did when he thought no one was watching.
My heart was pounding out of my chest & I got the answers I wanted, but it didn't help me any. We can drive ourselves crazy searching, digging, even demanding the truth.
I am learning to let go as well. It is so difficult, but there really IS great peace in it. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I remember when my past sponsor asked me the question "So what did you get out of it"? when I was talking about similar behaviors. My sponsor insured that I come to answer those questions and the answer was "I got hurt feelings and angry rageful emotions and behaviors" and like the program was always teaching me at that time, "When she drinks and uses...I get sick". I was choosing to get sick while I was saying I didn't want to and so I had to stop addictive behaviors and I did. I then could watch her get worse as a result of her choices while I got healthier as a result of my own. Best way to show her love I ever learned. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thanks so much to everyone. Each post offers something I can take away to help me heal. I don't need any proof, as his behavior and words make it abundantly clear. What I need is to keep working my own program.
Hugs! Ellen
My sponsor would say something very similar to me, "If you go looking for trouble sweetie, you are sure to find it."
Take good care of YOU (((peace)))
I can relate to your post. I often feel that if I am being lied to or misled I need proof. Proof of what? That I am right? I know finding "proof" will hurt me because it takes my mind off the important things and focused on the unhealthy tendency to focus on AH. It is a horrible disease to have to watch someone you love struggle with. I can definitely relate to that. But you are getting stronger and working your program so well. I usually have to hand AH over to HP and keep moving forward trusting it will work out.
Sending you a big hug.
Hi el. Im sorry his drinking is progressing, its painful to see it in action like that, kind of squashes any doubt or hope and puts the truth the cold truth back in our lives. Now you know and nkw youve got a chance to sharpen those tools of yours. Making sure you have got boundaries for yourself, have you got a wee plan a or b in place just in case and to make you feel less vulnerable to any man made crisis's. Just for today you can find ways to make you feel safe and comfortable despite his progression. I also suggest thinking about reading over some of the bits of literature on detaching with love. If hes falling about the place then leave him where he lays with a blanket, dont clean up any mess he makes let him see this is getting worse. X
Im no longer in such madness thanks to this board, alanon, HP and of course ME.
Is this not one of the recovery foundations of the slogan and thought force, "Don't take it personally"? That was one of my lessons so I stopped. ((((hugs))))