Hi, I'm new to this forum. Last week I posted about trying to move on from an alcoholic ex. Well yesterday he called me asking for help. I helped him out, picked him up and dropped him off. He texted me this morning asking if he could come over and be with me. I caved and said yes (he was coming off a 6 day binge). He came over, took a shower and I let him rest. He talked about how he wanted to be with me, and how he loved me. He went to the restroom, I went through his texts. I found out he slept with someone last Sunday. The day we got into our argument and he left. I confronted him, his expression was complete bewilderment. He kept saying he didn't remember. He was drunk Sunday, he didn't remember. He just kept repeating it...Like that is an excuse. From what I can tell it was a hooker or a one night stand. He can't get an erection with me, but he can get it from a stranger!! Now the betrayal is amplified by 100 (please feel free to read my original post). I feel like there is a 50 pound rock laying on my chest. I've stood by this man for over a year. This is a horrible dream, and I want to wake up NOW!
hotrod said
Oct 15, 2016
((Starcatcher)) Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. The betrayal that you have experienced recently is extremely painful and hard to process. I am glad that you came here to share, You are not alone as I too have felt that extreme pain when I found hotel receipts in my husband's jacket.
Owning the pain and the reality of the situation is the first step to healing. When i was no longer denying reality I did not need to look in his wallet, phone or FB page, I knew what was going on. I kept the focus on myself, examining my motives and attending many alanon meetings, Soon I felt better and understood that I needed to take better care of myself in every interaction.I could no longer pretend that I "trusted" someone who could not be trusted". It is a process Please keep coming back
starcatcher2 said
Oct 15, 2016
Thank you hotrod. It's such a betrayal. I couldn't imagine your pain. It's a process, I guess I'll have to just get through. Thank you for your reply
pinkchip said
Oct 15, 2016
And THIS is why you dumped him. Like i said in your last post, there is typically no reward for "sticking by" someone as they wreck their own life and fall deeper into addiction. Often times alanoners go back to the metaphorical stove and learn..."yep...still hot...still burns."
PS - That hooker could have been a dude (like you suggested in your other post). And/or he has so many intimacy issues he couldn't have loving sex with you drunk or not. The dude is a busted drunk at this time. I am so sorry this happened to you as I know your love was/is real.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 15, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
And THIS is why you dumped him. Like i said in your last post, there is typically no reward for "sticking by" someone as they wreck their own life and fall deeper into addiction. Often times alanoners go back to the metaphorical stove and learn..."yep...still hot...still burns."
PS - That hooker could have been a dude (like you suggested in your other post). And/or he has so many intimacy issues he couldn't have loving sex with you drunk or not. The dude is a busted drunk at this time. I am so sorry this happened to you as I know your love was/is real.
Hello Pinkchip,
I love your statement "metaphorical stove and learn..."yep...still hot...still burns." Oh so true. I'm in love with the possibility of what could be. I can't hold my breath any longer. I'm turning blue. And you are so right! It could have been a dude. Highly possible. Thank you for your words of encouragement Pinkchip.
It is much appreciated in my time of need.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Saturday 15th of October 2016 10:09:19 PM
Iamhere said
Oct 15, 2016
Sending you thoughts and prayers. There are no words that help when we hit bottom....I wish there were. I can tell you that this will pass for you even though right now it stinks big time. (((Hugs)))
starcatcher2 said
Oct 15, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
Sending you thoughts and prayers. There are no words that help when we hit bottom....I wish there were. I can tell you that this will pass for you even though right now it stinks big time. (((Hugs)))
Thank you. It BIG time sucks.
Iamhere said
Oct 15, 2016
I know it does.....a few things that helped me as I worked to recovery from situations like this was that their behavior is truly not about us. It's about them. There is/was nothing you can/could have done differently for this to not happen. I also heard early on that rejection from others is often God's protection.
We often talk in the program about actions speaking louder than words. I am not suggesting that he is bad - I am suggesting that the disease is definitely in control presently. Be gentle with you and seek to find your peace.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 15, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
I know it does.....a few things that helped me as I worked to recovery from situations like this was that their behavior is truly not about us. It's about them. There is/was nothing you can/could have done differently for this to not happen. I also heard early on that rejection from others is often God's protection.
We often talk in the program about actions speaking louder than words. I am not suggesting that he is bad - I am suggesting that the disease is definitely in control presently. Be gentle with you and seek to find your peace.
Hello Iamhere,
Thank you for the reassurance that there was/is nothing you can/could have done differently. That helps. In my final text to him I told him that it doesn't matter what I say his disease consumes his every decision and emotion. He responded "Yes, you are right. It does consume my every thought. And I hate it". It's hard to watch someone self destruct, but knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do its best just to put distance between me and his disease. Hopefully one day he can find happiness.
Mattie said
Oct 16, 2016
Your response last week was to move on and this shows how wise you were, I think. More and more as we see who they really are, we realize they're just not in a state to be in a loving, reciprocal relationship. If you hadn't found this out, it sounds like you were in the process of being sucked back into the relationship. I hope you can protect yourself. No one should have to put up with this stuff.
e_i_m said
Oct 16, 2016
Starcatcher, you said "I'm in love with the possibility of what could be" -- I am very, very familiar with this. Al-anon has a slogan "Facts, not feelings" that helps me when I get wrapped up in thinking about what could be/the way I want things to be versus what actually is true. Good luck -- many of us have been through this and have come out the other side with more peace and serenity. I don't know if you've tried "working the steps" yet, but for me, when I read through them they give me the tools to let go of negative emotions and thoughts that I get attached to and that obsess my mind. Good luck -- this sucks and it's hard.
lookingup said
Oct 16, 2016
((((Starcatcher)))))), we do feel your pains,for our stories are all similar in one way or another,keep coming back you will find healing and peace in this program ,I'm using the tools of alanon in my daily life,it works.your definitely a miracle in progress.....in recovery from this dreadful desease ..lu
starcatcher2 said
Oct 16, 2016
lookingup wrote:
((((Starcatcher)))))), we do feel your pains,for our stories are all similar in one way or another,keep coming back you will find healing and peace in this program ,I'm using the tools of alanon in my daily life,it works.your definitely a miracle in progress.....in recovery from this dreadful desease ..lu
Thank you. I'm sure with time it will get easier.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 16, 2016
e_i_m wrote:
Starcatcher, you said "I'm in love with the possibility of what could be" -- I am very, very familiar with this. Al-anon has a slogan "Facts, not feelings" that helps me when I get wrapped up in thinking about what could be/the way I want things to be versus what actually is true. Good luck -- many of us have been through this and have come out the other side with more peace and serenity. I don't know if you've tried "working the steps" yet, but for me, when I read through them they give me the tools to let go of negative emotions and thoughts that I get attached to and that obsess my mind. Good luck -- this sucks and it's hard.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, that is also part of the struggle. Holding on to what could have been. In time I know I will look back and it will be the best decision, but right now uts a struggle.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 16, 2016
Mattie wrote:
Your response last week was to move on and this shows how wise you were, I think. More and more as we see who they really are, we realize they're just not in a state to be in a loving, reciprocal relationship. If you hadn't found this out, it sounds like you were in the process of being sucked back into the relationship. I hope you can protect yourself. No one should have to put up with this stuff.
The person I knew and the person he actually is, is such a shock. I'm know I need to move on, but it's a step by step, day by day. I've got a whole in my heart, and I'm just trying to deal.
Thanks for your reply.
Iamhere said
Oct 16, 2016
starcatcher - the best part about recovery is we all get to work our program, as best we can, as we see fit. I can totally relate to your first sentence. I met and married my husband in recovery - AA. I had only known him as one in recovery. He was working it well too - he was fun, funny, spiritual, humble, etc. He relapsed and never returned to recovery. It took me a long time to accept and realize that who I met, fell in love with and married is not the person I am with today. I still love him as I always will. He's changed, but also so have I.
Working this program and living life one day at a time, I can accept that we are different than we were. I can still love him in spite of the disease. I believe that we all are evolving as long as we are living so do not ever assume how one is is how they will always be. The program gives me hope that the best is yet to come - for me and for all of us if we just focus on ourselves, and work this program to be the best we can be.
I had a huge disconnect between my head (knowing) and my heart (doing) for a long, long while. I was told I was where I was supposed to be. You are right that it's moment by moment, step by step, day by day. Heal and deal in your time frame and just lean into recovery as often and as best as you can! Those holes in our hearts do get filled up with effort and recovery! (((Hugs)))
starcatcher2 said
Oct 16, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
starcatcher - the best part about recovery is we all get to work our program, as best we can, as we see fit. I can totally relate to your first sentence. I met and married my husband in recovery - AA. I had only known him as one in recovery. He was working it well too - he was fun, funny, spiritual, humble, etc. He relapsed and never returned to recovery. It took me a long time to accept and realize that who I met, fell in love with and married is not the person I am with today. I still love him as I always will. He's changed, but also so have I.
Working this program and living life one day at a time, I can accept that we are different than we were. I can still love him in spite of the disease. I believe that we all are evolving as long as we are living so do not ever assume how one is is how they will always be. The program gives me hope that the best is yet to come - for me and for all of us if we just focus on ourselves, and work this program to be the best we can be.
I had a huge disconnect between my head (knowing) and my heart (doing) for a long, long while. I was told I was where I was supposed to be. You are right that it's moment by moment, step by step, day by day. Heal and deal in your time frame and just lean into recovery as often and as best as you can! Those holes in our hearts do get filled up with effort and recovery! (((Hugs)))
Thank you for sharing your story. I can see that he can't be a part of my life, but completely turning my back on him just is not something I can do until I can do so without guilt. I turned my back on my son's father (he was not an alcoholic) he was murdered a few months later. There are so many variables that are in play. So yes, at this point day by day, moment by moment is the best I can do.
pinkchip said
Oct 16, 2016
Brraking up with someone is not "turning your back" on them. Break ups and needing to move on are part of being an adult and getting into relationships in the first place. I validate your feelings, but the guilt is really not something you are obligated to feel plus it may be sending mixed messaged and causing you to give him false hopes and expose you to more of this drama and pain than you need.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 16, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
Brraking up with someone is not "turning your back" on them. Break ups and needing to move on are part of being an adult and getting into relationships in the first place. I validate your feelings, but the guilt is really not something you are obligated to feel plus it may be sending mixed messaged and causing you to give him false hopes and expose you to more of this drama and pain than you need.
Hello Pinkchip,
Thanks for your reply. We've had a conversation about it. We know the relationship won't work. He however knows I will always be there to support him in any way. I by no means feel obligated to do anything. I am fully aware I can walk away. In time I'm sure the contact will become less and less (as I'm sure he will find someone else to engage with), but for now....today I am being supportive.
sarahGee said
Oct 17, 2016
Your love for him is real, and that is OK.
I can relate to the sexual frustration with him. My ex ABF also had difficulty having sex with me, but had no issues getting off somewhere else.
It took me a long time to realize that he was so twisted within himself, it had nothing to do with me. It really feels like it, like you're unattractive, or aren't enough for him.
That is not the case.
My ex sought sexual release just about anywhere but with me. It was so painful for such a long time. I came to see that it was because I was "reality" to him. I may not have known exactly what he was doing outside of our home, but he sure did. And when I would try and be close with him, his guilt was so extreme that it would ruin everything. He would in turn lash out. Scream and yell at me. That was his attempt at redirecting the problem away from his lack of erection..
That person he slept with? They know nothing about him. It's easy for them to get turned on and STAY turned on, because that person has never seen his humanity.
You have. When he looks at you, he sees the truth about himself.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
I remember thinking "He doesn't find me attractive, I'm not good enough for him, I'm not skinny enough, too old, too scarred from childbirth.." etc etc. Then feeling the pain of his anger and abuse on top of it all.
It is not about you. His actions have nothing to do with you, and you are doing the right thing by being here and choosing to see alcoholism for what it is, what it can do to people.
Praying for your strength today.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 17, 2016
sarahGee wrote:
Your love for him is real, and that is OK.
I can relate to the sexual frustration with him. My ex ABF also had difficulty having sex with me, but had no issues getting off somewhere else. It took me a long time to realize that he was so twisted within himself, it had nothing to do with me. It really feels like it, like you're unattractive, or aren't enough for him.
That is not the case.
My ex sought sexual release just about anywhere but with me. It was so painful for such a long time. I came to see that it was because I was "reality" to him. I may not have known exactly what he was doing outside of our home, but he sure did. And when I would try and be close with him, his guilt was so extreme that it would ruin everything. He would in turn lash out. Scream and yell at me. That was his attempt at redirecting the problem away from his lack of erection.. That person he slept with? They know nothing about him. It's easy for them to get turned on and STAY turned on, because that person has never seen his humanity. You have. When he looks at you, he sees the truth about himself.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I remember thinking "He doesn't find me attractive, I'm not good enough for him, I'm not skinny enough, too old, too scarred from childbirth.." etc etc. Then feeling the pain of his anger and abuse on top of it all.
It is not about you. His actions have nothing to do with you, and you are doing the right thing by being here and choosing to see alcoholism for what it is, what it can do to people.
Praying for your strength today.
Hello SarahGee,
I am so very sorry that you had to endure that. I appreciate you sharing.
Thank you! Your comment "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I remember thinking "He doesn't find me attractive, I'm not good enough for him, I'm not skinny enough, too old, too scarred from childbirth.." etc etc. Then feeling the pain of his anger and abuse on top of it all." hits the nail on the head. That is exactly how I felt/feel. In my mind I've said that whoever those people are that he's flirting with, or sleeping with have NO idea about the man that he really is. About the carnage he lays everywhere. I know it isn't about me, but of course you can't help but have self doubt. Which is why I have chosen therapy. I need to take a closer look at myself, instead of trying to fix someone else. Plus I've joined a new cardio class. That will help burn off some aggression !
((Starcatcher)) Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. The betrayal that you have experienced recently is extremely painful and hard to process. I am glad that you came here to share, You are not alone as I too have felt that extreme pain when I found hotel receipts in my husband's jacket.
Owning the pain and the reality of the situation is the first step to healing. When i was no longer denying reality I did not need to look in his wallet, phone or FB page, I knew what was going on. I kept the focus on myself, examining my motives and attending many alanon meetings, Soon I felt better and understood that I needed to take better care of myself in every interaction.I could no longer pretend that I "trusted" someone who could not be trusted". It is a process
Please keep coming back
PS - That hooker could have been a dude (like you suggested in your other post). And/or he has so many intimacy issues he couldn't have loving sex with you drunk or not. The dude is a busted drunk at this time. I am so sorry this happened to you as I know your love was/is real.
Hello Pinkchip,
I love your statement "metaphorical stove and learn..."yep...still hot...still burns." Oh so true. I'm in love with the possibility of what could be. I can't hold my breath any longer. I'm turning blue. And you are so right! It could have been a dude. Highly possible. Thank you for your words of encouragement Pinkchip.
It is much appreciated in my time of need.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Saturday 15th of October 2016 10:09:19 PM
Thank you. It BIG time sucks.
We often talk in the program about actions speaking louder than words. I am not suggesting that he is bad - I am suggesting that the disease is definitely in control presently. Be gentle with you and seek to find your peace.
Hello Iamhere,
Thank you for the reassurance that there was/is nothing you can/could have done differently. That helps. In my final text to him I told him that it doesn't matter what I say his disease consumes his every decision and emotion. He responded "Yes, you are right. It does consume my every thought. And I hate it". It's hard to watch someone self destruct, but knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do its best just to put distance between me and his disease. Hopefully one day he can find happiness.
Your response last week was to move on and this shows how wise you were, I think. More and more as we see who they really are, we realize they're just not in a state to be in a loving, reciprocal relationship. If you hadn't found this out, it sounds like you were in the process of being sucked back into the relationship. I hope you can protect yourself. No one should have to put up with this stuff.
Thank you. I'm sure with time it will get easier.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, that is also part of the struggle. Holding on to what could have been. In time I know I will look back and it will be the best decision, but right now uts a struggle.
The person I knew and the person he actually is, is such a shock. I'm know I need to move on, but it's a step by step, day by day. I've got a whole in my heart, and I'm just trying to deal.
Thanks for your reply.
Working this program and living life one day at a time, I can accept that we are different than we were. I can still love him in spite of the disease. I believe that we all are evolving as long as we are living so do not ever assume how one is is how they will always be. The program gives me hope that the best is yet to come - for me and for all of us if we just focus on ourselves, and work this program to be the best we can be.
I had a huge disconnect between my head (knowing) and my heart (doing) for a long, long while. I was told I was where I was supposed to be. You are right that it's moment by moment, step by step, day by day. Heal and deal in your time frame and just lean into recovery as often and as best as you can! Those holes in our hearts do get filled up with effort and recovery! (((Hugs)))
Thank you for sharing your story. I can see that he can't be a part of my life, but completely turning my back on him just is not something I can do until I can do so without guilt. I turned my back on my son's father (he was not an alcoholic) he was murdered a few months later. There are so many variables that are in play. So yes, at this point day by day, moment by moment is the best I can do.
Hello Pinkchip,
Thanks for your reply. We've had a conversation about it. We know the relationship won't work. He however knows I will always be there to support him in any way. I by no means feel obligated to do anything. I am fully aware I can walk away. In time I'm sure the contact will become less and less (as I'm sure he will find someone else to engage with), but for now....today I am being supportive.
I can relate to the sexual frustration with him. My ex ABF also had difficulty having sex with me, but had no issues getting off somewhere else.
It took me a long time to realize that he was so twisted within himself, it had nothing to do with me. It really feels like it, like you're unattractive, or aren't enough for him.
That is not the case.
My ex sought sexual release just about anywhere but with me. It was so painful for such a long time. I came to see that it was because I was "reality" to him. I may not have known exactly what he was doing outside of our home, but he sure did. And when I would try and be close with him, his guilt was so extreme that it would ruin everything. He would in turn lash out. Scream and yell at me. That was his attempt at redirecting the problem away from his lack of erection..
That person he slept with? They know nothing about him. It's easy for them to get turned on and STAY turned on, because that person has never seen his humanity.
You have. When he looks at you, he sees the truth about himself.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
I remember thinking "He doesn't find me attractive, I'm not good enough for him, I'm not skinny enough, too old, too scarred from childbirth.." etc etc. Then feeling the pain of his anger and abuse on top of it all.
It is not about you. His actions have nothing to do with you, and you are doing the right thing by being here and choosing to see alcoholism for what it is, what it can do to people.
Praying for your strength today.
Hello SarahGee,
I am so very sorry that you had to endure that. I appreciate you sharing.
Thank you! Your comment "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I remember thinking "He doesn't find me attractive, I'm not good enough for him, I'm not skinny enough, too old, too scarred from childbirth.." etc etc. Then feeling the pain of his anger and abuse on top of it all." hits the nail on the head. That is exactly how I felt/feel. In my mind I've said that whoever those people are that he's flirting with, or sleeping with have NO idea about the man that he really is. About the carnage he lays everywhere. I know it isn't about me, but of course you can't help but have self doubt. Which is why I have chosen therapy. I need to take a closer look at myself, instead of trying to fix someone else. Plus I've joined a new cardio class. That will help burn off some aggression
!
Thanks SO much!
I need to gather a lot of strength today.