This is my first post...my first encounter with alcoholism and what feels like my final straw. I am drowning in his disease, suffocating on trying to help him. I am loosing myself and my sanity. I attend al-anon meeting when my work schedule allows me too, but I don't have a sponsor. I am the spouse of the addict so its not so easy to detach myself from the situation, and when I do I just feel like i'm a fugitive running all the time. Please someone help me help myself
sarahGee said
Oct 14, 2016
Sarah, so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you found this group. I am new as well. Many here have accomplished great things and have a lot of experience to offer.
You are not alone.
Sarah_E_S said
Oct 14, 2016
thank you for replying! I know I am not alone but I feel alone, he is my best friend when he is sober and I have great friends but they just don't understand. I am getting to a low point again, drawing away from people including myself. They have AA groups every day of the week and rehab and treatment, but nearly nothing for the loved ones...I finally feel as though I need a sponsor but I'd like one close to my hometown so we can meet up every now and then. I don't know where to start with finding one??? Again, thank you for reminding me that i'm not alone :)
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2016
Welcome Sarah to MIP - glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease that never gets cured. It's also classified as a family disease as it does exactly what you are experiencing - pulls in all others and affects them too. I am glad to see that you are seeking meeting support locally through Al-Anon. That is the recommended course of action for those who live or love with another who's drinking has affected their lives.
I found support, hope and help in Al-Anon. I went to as many meetings as I could and picked up literature and studied, studied and studied. I fully understand what you are feeling and you are not alone in that part - we've all been affected/damaged by the disease, that's our common bond.
I first learned to try and put me first. Sometimes, that just meant breathing, sitting, breathing and relaxing as best I could. I had to literally remove myself from the home at times to keep from reacting and/or loosing my mind. We try to focus on just one day at a time. I still live with my husband, he's one of my qualifiers. We have two children, boys, and they are both alcoholics/addicts. It's genetic and it's wicked to watch and live with. Only through Al-Anon did I find myself again and my own truth. I can detach while still in the home. I can love them and hate their disease, I can protect myself however necessary (financially, legally, etc.) - all of this resulting in working my own recovery.
You don't deserve this - none of us do. Al-Anon is a spiritual program where we heal and learn to deal one day at a time, trusting in a power greater than ourselves to get us to the next stage of life. Please keep coming back - we're usually just a post away!
Bethany66 said
Oct 14, 2016
Welcome Sarah, I am glad you are here.
Many of us can relate to your story of pain and suffering. I can tell you that here you will find help and relief. The Al-Anon program of sharing with others who are in similar situations with an alcoholic friend or family and working the steps are invaluable in obtaining peace of mind.
I understand the pain of marrying your best friend and then having them leave you feeling so alone and helpless as they go about their addictions. In this program you will begin to find yourself again and find ways to not only ease your pain, but sometimes avoid it all together.
I would encourage you to go to face to face meetings. I found that going to meetings and reading everything I could get my hands on helped me to understand what my husband is dealing with and find new skills to keep my own sanity and peace. Let me tell you, the struggle is real, but I am progressing all the time to a place where it isn't so intense. I too am at the place I know I need a sponsor, and am finding my way, with help from my HP to finding the right person for me.
I wish you all the best and hope that you will find hope, help and healing in this program.
Sarah_E_S said
Oct 14, 2016
THANK YOU!!! that made me cry, in a great way :) I don't want to live a life where I am constantly "protecting" myself though. Is that what I have to look forward to? I know people recover and stay clean for many many years and I believe my husband can do that....I just have to learn to work the program. Any advice on how to find a sponsor? I live in a very very small town and have not connected with anyone in the al-anon group enough to ask for sponsorship. I think using this site and being able to vent will help a great deal, not having anyone to talk to can break a person.
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2016
Sarah - protecting myself for me means protecting my peace of mind/sanity - my serenity today is what I cherish more than anything else, and I will do whatever I have to do to keep it...
Freetime said
Oct 14, 2016
Sarah, I have felt the same drowning feeling. Welcome to the lifeboat.
Talking with others saved my sanity.
I wonder if there is a bigger city that you can get to for more meeting options? It's the same idea as, if we have a complex disease, we might have to travel to a big medical center to see specialists. Alanon has the specialists in our disease that comes from living with alcoholism, but the good news is we can get better. You could check out the online meetings here, as well as telephone meetings listed on the Alanon website.
Today might feel awful, but there is hope.
hotrod said
Oct 14, 2016
Welcome Sarah There is Help and Hope You are not alone.
Jerry F said
Oct 14, 2016
We have often said in the program that it works when you work it and when I first heard that I knew they were not telling me that all I had to do was attend meetings and get the literature; they were telling me a whole lot more and I had to figure what that was out. I time I came to the understanding that what I was going to have to do was duplicate what the old timers, those successful in attaining their peace of mind and serenity, we doing so I hung around with them and listened and asked questions and found a sponsor who I could rely on for guidance and help 24/7. I found a Higher Power also; a Higher Power who existed and stood by me 24/7 and walked the steps.
Hang around here and listen and learn and practice practice, practice and you will not only learn to float you will find the shore and walk out of the waves. Keep coming back this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Sarah_E_S said
Oct 14, 2016
Everyone just keeps telling me to leave...like that is the ONLY answer?
hotrod said
Oct 14, 2016
Alanon suggests that we make no major changes in our life until we are in program for 6 months to a year. That is , unless you are in a situation of danger--The resaon for this is that by attending meetings and using new tools you will regain your ability to process information in a more constructive fashion and your self esteem will be restored. Keep coming back it is all a process. Even if you would leave today you would still need support because you have residual effects of living with the disease. Keep coming back.
jojo8466 said
Oct 15, 2016
Who keeps telling you to leave??? Surely it's not anyone in Al-Anon because we are to offer support and wisdom but not advise. You are going to have to do what is best for you and only you know the answer to that. Try to calm down, find something happy in your life - something fun you enjoy doing - and focus on yourself. Peace is right around the corner - you just have to open your heart and mind to it. Hugs to you.
Skorpi said
Oct 15, 2016
Hi Sarah and welcome. I have come close to leaving my alcoholic spouse, but have not. Some days I am glad I stayed, some days I wish I would leave, and I am confident that, almost two years into my Alanon program, I am just not ready to make a decision yet, and that is a decision as well. From where I am, I can say, I felt the way you did two years ago, and I am glad that you are reaching out. Give it time, be patient with yourself, keep going to meetings, post here. Alanon works when I show up, and even if I don't get the answers I need when I want them, I know the answers I need when I need them.
Sarah_E_S said
Oct 15, 2016
I have reached out to different groups and people, almost everyone, literally, has summed it up with "just leave him, he will make you sick too". I don't believe that leaving is the answer for him or for me and I don't want to leave, but I am at the end of my sanity rope. I am a very strong person and have been through so much already in my life, but I have yet to get a grip on this alcoholism??? He is back in treatment again, which is another level of strain on us, this time is attitude is so negative, it makes me not want to even talk to him, but I like knowing what is progress is while he is there, ugh, such a viscous cycle! Here is the kicker, we aren't married yet, we were suppose to get married 2 years ago, but this disease has halted that many times. We have made a good life together, and when he is sober our life is GREAT, he just hasn't been able to continue staying sober. Thank you everyone for your support and kind words, they were both needed and much appreciated!!
Enigmatic said
Oct 15, 2016
Hello, Sarah, welcome. I can relate to the feelings you described in your first post: "my first encounter with alcoholism and what feels like my final straw. I am drowning in his disease, suffocating on trying to help... I am loosing myself and my sanity."
That sums up much of how I felt when I first found AlAnon, I was at the end of my physical and mental capacity to continue what I was doing. The only option I felt I had left was to physically leave the relationship, but I had a nagging feeling that there was a better way for me to address what I and my qualifier was going through.
I attended my first AlAnon meeting, got some literature and started reading. Attended more meetings, as many as I could fit in, and bought One Day at a Time in ALAnon, Courage to Change, Hope for Today, and Paths to Recovery (all Al-Anon Family Groups, AFG, publications) and started reading every day.
That was enough to introduce me to some concepts and tools that reduced my anxiety, frustration, anger and pain immensely. This allowed me to improve how I felt about things and the actual home environment, and ultimately make a much healthier decision about what was best for me and my qualifier.
So glad you are reaching out to the program, it is an incredible resource for recovery of sanity and guidance along a path of peaceful acceptance. As other's have noted, no one else is in the position to decide what is best for you, only you. AlAnon can help guide you to a place where that decision is clearer to see. Hang in there, keep coming back, thoughts are with you
Rinn said
Oct 16, 2016
Sarah,
I am so glad you are here, because this a great place to be. I am sorry that you are unable to find more meetings F2F that work for your schedule. On days you are unable to attend a F2F meeting near you, you may check our some of the online meetings on this site. I used to depend on them, sometimes like a lifeline when I couldn't get out much. Just know that your not alone.
I had to stop and read your post because I think i have said that same thing. When you love someone with an active addiction it can overwhelm you, just like you said. I am very sorry you are experiencing this. Just know that taking things one step at a time, one foot in front of the other you can walk out of this chaos, caused by addiction. Alanon can give you some powerful tools to help you heal yourself. Just keep coming back!
You asked about people telling you to leave your addict. I think as a whole, that comment is easier said than actually done. It is a choice, not the only choice, and a highly personal one. Only you will ever know if it is right. Like Hotrod said, its best to wait to make major life decisions right now anyway. Just know your don't HAVE to do anything. Nor do you need to justify why or why not to anyone.
Now is a good time to BREATH, focus on yourself and your own health. You sound like your one the right track by your interesting in learning about alanon and how to take care of YOU.
Do you have anything you do to help you handle the stress in your life?
I wish you the best finding a sponsor. But keep coming back regardless. We will love seeing your posts.
Rinn
Sarah_E_S said
Oct 16, 2016
Rinn, thank you for your words!! On most days I handle my stress very well, I work a lot and LOVE my career, I am a nurse so I am constantly helping others, and that is the best medicine most of the time :) I just have bad days that it all overwhelms me just like any ongoing situation in life. I am active in our church and I enjoy running and working out and watching sports with groups of friends (although that doesn't happen often). I am a hands on person so i'd rather go to the F2F but im learning that anything involving al-anon is helpful. The F2F meetings are wonderful and they do focus on ME, but you aren't able to discuss things that pertain to you and your current timeline, sometimes I just need to vent and ask someone who understands if im being crazy or if I have legit reasons for my emotions??? At this point, I turn to my God and al=anon to see me through. It's a tough battle to handle but I believe its my cross to bear...with God, all things are possible <3 As you can see, today is a much better day for me :) Thank you again for your kind words and inspiration!!! hugs to you (((hugs)))
tired of it said
Oct 16, 2016
Sarah_E_S wrote:
THANK YOU!!! that made me cry, in a great way :) I don't want to live a life where I am constantly "protecting" myself though. Is that what I have to look forward to? I know people recover and stay clean for many many years and I believe my husband can do that....I just have to learn to work the program. Any advice on how to find a sponsor? I live in a very very small town and have not connected with anyone in the al-anon group enough to ask for sponsorship. I think using this site and being able to vent will help a great deal, not having anyone to talk to can break a person.
Sarah---I, too, am married to my best friend who also is an alcoholic. You are right about it being very hard to detach when you are married to the alcoholic. What he does impacts your life in every way. This is a great site where you can vent.....I do it all the time! It is also a great site to read posts by others and know that you are definitely not alone. Not everyone is in the exact situation but it still helps to read posts and responses from others. I don't share with my friends what I am going through so it is nice to have a place to go for support!
tired of it said
Oct 16, 2016
Sarah_E_S wrote:
I have reached out to different groups and people, almost everyone, literally, has summed it up with "just leave him, he will make you sick too". I don't believe that leaving is the answer for him or for me and I don't want to leave, but I am at the end of my sanity rope. I am a very strong person and have been through so much already in my life, but I have yet to get a grip on this alcoholism??? He is back in treatment again, which is another level of strain on us, this time is attitude is so negative, it makes me not want to even talk to him, but I like knowing what is progress is while he is there, ugh, such a viscous cycle! Here is the kicker, we aren't married yet, we were suppose to get married 2 years ago, but this disease has halted that many times. We have made a good life together, and when he is sober our life is GREAT, he just hasn't been able to continue staying sober. Thank you everyone for your support and kind words, they were both needed and much appreciated!!
I didn't finish reading your posts before I commented a few minutes ago. I thought you were already married officially. My wedding was put off due to his alcoholism as well. Then he had a sober period where everything was great and we got married. Shortly after that he had an injury and went on a 9 week binge! I have often wished we had never gotten married to I would be able to leave with a lot less red tape. But, I love him and when he is sober things are great. I have really been trying to not let his drinking affect me but that is hard. I, too, am a nurse and work a 40 hr week. But we also own a business together so when he can't work due to drinking it is really hard financially.
Bottom line......only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad and if you can put up with the bad times. There is always hope that the alcoholic can stay sober but it is hard to stay positive when there is a relapse.
milkwood said
Oct 17, 2016
Hello Sarah,
Welcome to MIP
I too can relate to your feeling of loosing yourself and also the joy of being married to one's best friend, even though it hurts when we see our best friends hurting themselves and those around them.
My husband's alcoholic brain did its best to persuade me to leave my marriage. Instead I read everything that I could get my hands on about how living with an alcoholic can affect us as well as them, especially when we are folks who like to give. I ended up exhausted and worn out, and then felt some resentments rising in me. I reached a point where I didn't particularly like myself and I did have to leave for a short while. After that I would take short holidays for myself because, apart from anything else, I wanted to be a nice person when my husband finally recovered! I wanted to feel thankful for my life!
I believe that I am a strong, non-judgemental person and I thought that I needed to have a combination of oak strength along with the flexibility of a willow tree to survive being caught in a gale - I thought that with those tools I was the person who could help my husband. But actually, I learnt that I can not fight his battles for him. He is the only person who can catch a hold on alcoholism. My job, it seemed to me, was to accept his choices as his and to take good care of myself.
My best friend husband became abusive towards me, it hurt, it hurt a lot. It is taking me a long time to trust him again and that too is painful and not conducive to restoring our love for each other. So sometimes I find myself wishing that I had not allowed him to be mean to me right from the get go (I used to think that I could rise above that kind of behaviour, until I couldn't anymore!!). These days, regardless of whether or not he is drinking, I leave his company if he is disrespectful towards me.
Your self awareness will serve you well - keep trusting your instincts and enjoy your life, regardless of what others choose to do. Sending (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 17th of October 2016 01:25:42 PM
sarahGee said
Oct 17, 2016
Sarah_E_S wrote:
Everyone just keeps telling me to leave...like that is the ONLY answer?
In time, that might be the answer YOU choose. But for now, work on yourself and figure out why you are there in the first place.
Junenine said
Oct 17, 2016
thank you for this because i have a very similar situation. engagement delayed due to relapse, and then unemployment... and more relapse. no idea where i/ we are going to land.
Junenine said
Oct 17, 2016
hi, sarah - just reaching out to say i'm in a very similar boat. i've had a couple failed attempts to find a sponsor but still would like to find someone that's a good match. been going to meetings on and off for over a year but recently found out my partner has been lying about his drinking and never managed any recovery after two previous detoxes (which were quite hellish for me to live through as well). our relationship has been SO good and strong in so many ways, except for his ongoing emotional struggles and addiction. i have been way understanding and supportive (confusing... big problem there?!). i feel like i'm now getting to MY bottom in a different way so i'm hoping that will lead me somewhere i have to be... no idea what it looks like yet, don't know what's possible, and i've been putting him before myself for too long. people keep telling me to leave, also, and i'm not ruling it out but i don't want to jump there, either. he's not mean, he's just self-destructive and self-sabotaging, and he's been tanking his life... so there's that. i hope it gets better and wishing you peace, J.
Sarah_E_S said
Oct 17, 2016
Thank you so much everyone for all of your responses! I am so grateful for all of the hope, love and thoughts. And hopefully after reading all of this there are others who it helps also
This is my first post...my first encounter with alcoholism and what feels like my final straw. I am drowning in his disease, suffocating on trying to help him. I am loosing myself and my sanity. I attend al-anon meeting when my work schedule allows me too, but I don't have a sponsor. I am the spouse of the addict so its not so easy to detach myself from the situation, and when I do I just feel like i'm a fugitive running all the time. Please someone help me help myself
You are not alone.
thank you for replying! I know I am not alone but I feel alone, he is my best friend when he is sober and I have great friends but they just don't understand. I am getting to a low point again, drawing away from people including myself. They have AA groups every day of the week and rehab and treatment, but nearly nothing for the loved ones...I finally feel as though I need a sponsor but I'd like one close to my hometown so we can meet up every now and then. I don't know where to start with finding one??? Again, thank you for reminding me that i'm not alone :)
I found support, hope and help in Al-Anon. I went to as many meetings as I could and picked up literature and studied, studied and studied. I fully understand what you are feeling and you are not alone in that part - we've all been affected/damaged by the disease, that's our common bond.
I first learned to try and put me first. Sometimes, that just meant breathing, sitting, breathing and relaxing as best I could. I had to literally remove myself from the home at times to keep from reacting and/or loosing my mind. We try to focus on just one day at a time. I still live with my husband, he's one of my qualifiers. We have two children, boys, and they are both alcoholics/addicts. It's genetic and it's wicked to watch and live with. Only through Al-Anon did I find myself again and my own truth. I can detach while still in the home. I can love them and hate their disease, I can protect myself however necessary (financially, legally, etc.) - all of this resulting in working my own recovery.
You don't deserve this - none of us do. Al-Anon is a spiritual program where we heal and learn to deal one day at a time, trusting in a power greater than ourselves to get us to the next stage of life. Please keep coming back - we're usually just a post away!
Many of us can relate to your story of pain and suffering. I can tell you that here you will find help and relief. The Al-Anon program of sharing with others who are in similar situations with an alcoholic friend or family and working the steps are invaluable in obtaining peace of mind.
I understand the pain of marrying your best friend and then having them leave you feeling so alone and helpless as they go about their addictions. In this program you will begin to find yourself again and find ways to not only ease your pain, but sometimes avoid it all together.
I would encourage you to go to face to face meetings. I found that going to meetings and reading everything I could get my hands on helped me to understand what my husband is dealing with and find new skills to keep my own sanity and peace. Let me tell you, the struggle is real, but I am progressing all the time to a place where it isn't so intense. I too am at the place I know I need a sponsor, and am finding my way, with help from my HP to finding the right person for me.
I wish you all the best and hope that you will find hope, help and healing in this program.
THANK YOU!!! that made me cry, in a great way :) I don't want to live a life where I am constantly "protecting" myself though. Is that what I have to look forward to? I know people recover and stay clean for many many years and I believe my husband can do that....I just have to learn to work the program. Any advice on how to find a sponsor? I live in a very very small town and have not connected with anyone in the al-anon group enough to ask for sponsorship. I think using this site and being able to vent will help a great deal, not having anyone to talk to can break a person.
We have often said in the program that it works when you work it and when I first heard that I knew they were not telling me that all I had to do was attend meetings and get the literature; they were telling me a whole lot more and I had to figure what that was out. I time I came to the understanding that what I was going to have to do was duplicate what the old timers, those successful in attaining their peace of mind and serenity, we doing so I hung around with them and listened and asked questions and found a sponsor who I could rely on for guidance and help 24/7. I found a Higher Power also; a Higher Power who existed and stood by me 24/7 and walked the steps.
Hang around here and listen and learn and practice practice, practice and you will not only learn to float you will find the shore and walk out of the waves. Keep coming back this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
Alanon suggests that we make no major changes in our life until we are in program for 6 months to a year. That is , unless you are in a situation of danger--The resaon for this is that by attending meetings and using new tools you will regain your ability to process information in a more constructive fashion and your self esteem will be restored.
Keep coming back it is all a process. Even if you would leave today you would still need support because you have residual effects of living with the disease.
Keep coming back.
That sums up much of how I felt when I first found AlAnon, I was at the end of my physical and mental capacity to continue what I was doing. The only option I felt I had left was to physically leave the relationship, but I had a nagging feeling that there was a better way for me to address what I and my qualifier was going through.
I attended my first AlAnon meeting, got some literature and started reading. Attended more meetings, as many as I could fit in, and bought One Day at a Time in ALAnon, Courage to Change, Hope for Today, and Paths to Recovery (all Al-Anon Family Groups, AFG, publications) and started reading every day.
That was enough to introduce me to some concepts and tools that reduced my anxiety, frustration, anger and pain immensely. This allowed me to improve how I felt about things and the actual home environment, and ultimately make a much healthier decision about what was best for me and my qualifier.
So glad you are reaching out to the program, it is an incredible resource for recovery of sanity and guidance along a path of peaceful acceptance. As other's have noted, no one else is in the position to decide what is best for you, only you. AlAnon can help guide you to a place where that decision is clearer to see. Hang in there, keep coming back, thoughts are with you
Sarah,
I am so glad you are here, because this a great place to be. I am sorry that you are unable to find more meetings F2F that work for your schedule. On days you are unable to attend a F2F meeting near you, you may check our some of the online meetings on this site. I used to depend on them, sometimes like a lifeline when I couldn't get out much. Just know that your not alone.
I had to stop and read your post because I think i have said that same thing. When you love someone with an active addiction it can overwhelm you, just like you said. I am very sorry you are experiencing this. Just know that taking things one step at a time, one foot in front of the other you can walk out of this chaos, caused by addiction. Alanon can give you some powerful tools to help you heal yourself. Just keep coming back!
You asked about people telling you to leave your addict. I think as a whole, that comment is easier said than actually done. It is a choice, not the only choice, and a highly personal one. Only you will ever know if it is right. Like Hotrod said, its best to wait to make major life decisions right now anyway. Just know your don't HAVE to do anything. Nor do you need to justify why or why not to anyone.
Now is a good time to BREATH, focus on yourself and your own health. You sound like your one the right track by your interesting in learning about alanon and how to take care of YOU.
Do you have anything you do to help you handle the stress in your life?
I wish you the best finding a sponsor. But keep coming back regardless. We will love seeing your posts.
Rinn
Rinn, thank you for your words!! On most days I handle my stress very well, I work a lot and LOVE my career, I am a nurse so I am constantly helping others, and that is the best medicine most of the time :) I just have bad days that it all overwhelms me just like any ongoing situation in life. I am active in our church and I enjoy running and working out and watching sports with groups of friends (although that doesn't happen often). I am a hands on person so i'd rather go to the F2F but im learning that anything involving al-anon is helpful. The F2F meetings are wonderful and they do focus on ME, but you aren't able to discuss things that pertain to you and your current timeline, sometimes I just need to vent and ask someone who understands if im being crazy or if I have legit reasons for my emotions??? At this point, I turn to my God and al=anon to see me through. It's a tough battle to handle but I believe its my cross to bear...with God, all things are possible <3 As you can see, today is a much better day for me :) Thank you again for your kind words and inspiration!!! hugs to you (((hugs)))
Sarah---I, too, am married to my best friend who also is an alcoholic. You are right about it being very hard to detach when you are married to the alcoholic. What he does impacts your life in every way. This is a great site where you can vent.....I do it all the time! It is also a great site to read posts by others and know that you are definitely not alone. Not everyone is in the exact situation but it still helps to read posts and responses from others. I don't share with my friends what I am going through so it is nice to have a place to go for support!
I didn't finish reading your posts before I commented a few minutes ago. I thought you were already married officially. My wedding was put off due to his alcoholism as well. Then he had a sober period where everything was great and we got married. Shortly after that he had an injury and went on a 9 week binge! I have often wished we had never gotten married to I would be able to leave with a lot less red tape. But, I love him and when he is sober things are great. I have really been trying to not let his drinking affect me but that is hard. I, too, am a nurse and work a 40 hr week. But we also own a business together so when he can't work due to drinking it is really hard financially.
Bottom line......only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad and if you can put up with the bad times. There is always hope that the alcoholic can stay sober but it is hard to stay positive when there is a relapse.
Hello Sarah,
Welcome to MIP
I too can relate to your feeling of loosing yourself and also the joy of being married to one's best friend, even though it hurts when we see our best friends hurting themselves and those around them.
My husband's alcoholic brain did its best to persuade me to leave my marriage. Instead I read everything that I could get my hands on about how living with an alcoholic can affect us as well as them, especially when we are folks who like to give. I ended up exhausted and worn out, and then felt some resentments rising in me. I reached a point where I didn't particularly like myself and I did have to leave for a short while. After that I would take short holidays for myself because, apart from anything else, I wanted to be a nice person when my husband finally recovered! I wanted to feel thankful for my life!
I believe that I am a strong, non-judgemental person and I thought that I needed to have a combination of oak strength along with the flexibility of a willow tree to survive being caught in a gale - I thought that with those tools I was the person who could help my husband. But actually, I learnt that I can not fight his battles for him. He is the only person who can catch a hold on alcoholism. My job, it seemed to me, was to accept his choices as his and to take good care of myself.
My best friend husband became abusive towards me, it hurt, it hurt a lot. It is taking me a long time to trust him again and that too is painful and not conducive to restoring our love for each other. So sometimes I find myself wishing that I had not allowed him to be mean to me right from the get go (I used to think that I could rise above that kind of behaviour, until I couldn't anymore!!). These days, regardless of whether or not he is drinking, I leave his company if he is disrespectful towards me.
Your self awareness will serve you well - keep trusting your instincts and enjoy your life, regardless of what others choose to do. Sending (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 17th of October 2016 01:25:42 PM
In time, that might be the answer YOU choose. But for now, work on yourself and figure out why you are there in the first place.
thank you for this because i have a very similar situation. engagement delayed due to relapse, and then unemployment... and more relapse. no idea where i/ we are going to land.
hi, sarah - just reaching out to say i'm in a very similar boat. i've had a couple failed attempts to find a sponsor but still would like to find someone that's a good match. been going to meetings on and off for over a year but recently found out my partner has been lying about his drinking and never managed any recovery after two previous detoxes (which were quite hellish for me to live through as well). our relationship has been SO good and strong in so many ways, except for his ongoing emotional struggles and addiction. i have been way understanding and supportive (confusing... big problem there?!). i feel like i'm now getting to MY bottom in a different way so i'm hoping that will lead me somewhere i have to be... no idea what it looks like yet, don't know what's possible, and i've been putting him before myself for too long. people keep telling me to leave, also, and i'm not ruling it out but i don't want to jump there, either. he's not mean, he's just self-destructive and self-sabotaging, and he's been tanking his life... so there's that. i hope it gets better and wishing you peace, J.