I mentioned yesterday that my mom was sick & going through tests. My dad just called me (mom still not speaking to me) - Dr says mom has cancer. She is having surgery on Thursday this coming week, so their trip was cancelled. They don't know much now, but will know more on Thursday. I assume she will have a lot more testing coming up to understand the full scope of it.
I called her and asked if she would talk to me, she did very briefly. I told her that I know things are strained between us right now, but she is my mother first and that I will be there to support her through this. Told her that I love her.
My feelings are so mixed. Of course it's awful that she has this diagnosis, no one should have to go through it. At the same time, treating her body the way she does, what did she expect? I would NEVER EVER say that to her, but it's how I feel. I always used to say "please take care of my mother". I figured she might not care about herself, but if she cared about me she would possibly try a little more. It never did anything.
How to navigate through this? I want to be supportive, but still want to keep my new boundaries firm. This will no doubt cause a lot of friction. I don't feel comfortable with that.
My boundaries have nothing to do with my love for her. I've always loved her, I just can't enable her anymore. She takes that the way I'm assuming every alcoholic takes it. That you're being cold and distant.
My worst fears are being realized. I know all I can do is keep myself in check through it. Everything else is out of my control.
jojo8466 said
Oct 14, 2016
I am so very sorry for you and so very sorry for your mother that you are both in this predicament. I will pray for all of you.
Cancer is a terrible thing - body parts removed, chemo, radiation, puking your guts out, losing your hair, all the time praying and hoping that it goes into remission. And then to have the disease of alcoholism on top of all this. I understand the detaching with love due to the alcoholism but your mother is going to need her family now more than ever having to fight cancer. I hope you can find a solution that benefits you and her. You are all in my thoughts.
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2016
(((Sarah))) - so very sorry for the news - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. For your mother/family too. I have a dear friend going through this currently and it's not looking good. I text her each morning and tell her she's loved and a warrior. I send her photos of the sunrise and the sunset. I offer to clean, cook, sit during chemo, play music, etc. I allow her to talk and share about topics of her choice. I do not ask about her husband or her son. I can only imagine her own fears, sadness, etc. so I let her lead our discussions. I am present for her, I keep an open mind and open ears and I just tell her I love her...
About every 3-4 days, I ask her how she is feeling. So - it's not about me....when I am of service to her. I do my own processing and grieving with my sponsor. That's where I take my anger about the sickness, the cancer, the child who will be without a mother, etc. I have to use the program tools for my feelings, emotions, etc. about it so that I can be of maximum service to her.
Your mother, just as my friend, will be fighting (or not) for her life. My sponsor kept telling me it's not about me. It's about her. If I feel too sad to be of service, I call upon another friend to 'be the one'. She cusses at her cancer, about her doctor, about her sisters, etc. She's angry and has a right to be. So - I am a sponge and of service. Actions speak louder than words always - works for all of us as imperfect humans.
I suggest you go to as many meetings as you can find - you will need every tool you can collect to be of service. Keep coming back!
sarahGee said
Oct 14, 2016
To be of service.
I can do that. Because I am new to this, I struggle with watching her damage herself further. I am standing by, watching her take steps to further her illness. My mother. As much as I want to be an adult and deal with this in a mature helpful way, there is still that little girl inside of me that wants to cry and scream "STOP DOING THAT!!"
I need to put this out there.
I have never said any of this to her or anyone else. These feelings I jot down on this board are all of the feelings I hold inside and can't say out loud.
I am going to attend another meeting on Tuesday, and then again on Thursday night depending how the surgery goes that day. I want to ask if anyone there (or even here) has any suggested reading materials that could give me a quick rundown on how to conduct myself. I wish I had started this process sooner so I would be better equipped to focus on her and her needs.
I'm at that brick wall point, where you are so angry and OVER IT that you become selfish, self centered and need to distance yourself from your qualifiers. And overnight, I need to figure out how to set all of those feelings aside and focus on mom again, but in a different way than I've ever had to before.
I love my mom so much. I hate that this is happening to her. I will keep my mouth closed and listen, be a shoulder.
But I will require a lot of help outside of that trying to let go of the idea that she will get better.
Mattie said
Oct 14, 2016
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Both my own parents had cancers that taking care of themselves would have probably prevented.
I had to make the journey from "They caused this! How could they be so infuriating and self-damaging?" to "How sad I am that they have been caught in these addictions that have harmed them so much."
It's also a very sad thing that no matter how well our parents might take care of themselves, at some point we are going to lose them. I was mad and sad about my parents and their behavior, as if they would have lived forever if only they had been smarter. Not to be dimissive of the sorrow at a disease that might have been prevented. But some of this sadness and anger is just at the fact that they won't be around forever, no matter what.
It's especially important that you take good care of yourself as you navigate these challenges. Hugs.
sarahGee said
Oct 14, 2016
Mattie wrote:
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Both my own parents had cancers that taking care of themselves would have probably prevented.
I had to make the journey from "They caused this! How could they be so infuriating and self-damaging?" to "How sad I am that they have been caught in these addictions that have harmed them so much."
It's also a very sad thing that no matter how well our parents might take care of themselves, at some point we are going to lose them. I was mad and sad about my parents and their behavior, as if they would have lived forever if only they had been smarter. Not to be dimissive of the sorrow at a disease that might have been prevented. But some of this sadness and anger is just at the fact that they won't be around forever, no matter what.
It's especially important that you take good care of yourself as you navigate these challenges. Hugs.
You are right. Entirely right.
I expect her to live longer. She is 58, I really did have the expectation that she would have many more years ahead. God willing, she will.
But you're right, my pain stems from my expectations.
e_i_m said
Oct 14, 2016
Oh Sarah, so sorry to hear this additional news. I used to tell both of my parents that if they really loved me, they'd stop drinking. Of course, that didn't work, and probably made them feel worse (if it even sunk in at all). As Mattie says, in the normal course of affairs, parents pre-decease their children and it's always sad. Both of my parents drank until the day they were checked in to the hospital a few days before they died. That's the path they chose. It's a silver lining that you have found al-anon as you're going through it so that you may find peace and detachment while they're still around.
sarahGee said
Oct 14, 2016
Thank you everyone for your posts and for sharing your experience.
I apologize for the barrage of posts.
I mentioned yesterday that my mom was sick & going through tests. My dad just called me (mom still not speaking to me) - Dr says mom has cancer. She is having surgery on Thursday this coming week, so their trip was cancelled. They don't know much now, but will know more on Thursday. I assume she will have a lot more testing coming up to understand the full scope of it.
I called her and asked if she would talk to me, she did very briefly. I told her that I know things are strained between us right now, but she is my mother first and that I will be there to support her through this. Told her that I love her.
My feelings are so mixed. Of course it's awful that she has this diagnosis, no one should have to go through it. At the same time, treating her body the way she does, what did she expect? I would NEVER EVER say that to her, but it's how I feel. I always used to say "please take care of my mother". I figured she might not care about herself, but if she cared about me she would possibly try a little more. It never did anything.
How to navigate through this? I want to be supportive, but still want to keep my new boundaries firm. This will no doubt cause a lot of friction. I don't feel comfortable with that.
My boundaries have nothing to do with my love for her. I've always loved her, I just can't enable her anymore. She takes that the way I'm assuming every alcoholic takes it. That you're being cold and distant.
My worst fears are being realized. I know all I can do is keep myself in check through it. Everything else is out of my control.
Cancer is a terrible thing - body parts removed, chemo, radiation, puking your guts out, losing your hair, all the time praying and hoping that it goes into remission. And then to have the disease of alcoholism on top of all this. I understand the detaching with love due to the alcoholism but your mother is going to need her family now more than ever having to fight cancer. I hope you can find a solution that benefits you and her. You are all in my thoughts.
About every 3-4 days, I ask her how she is feeling. So - it's not about me....when I am of service to her. I do my own processing and grieving with my sponsor. That's where I take my anger about the sickness, the cancer, the child who will be without a mother, etc. I have to use the program tools for my feelings, emotions, etc. about it so that I can be of maximum service to her.
Your mother, just as my friend, will be fighting (or not) for her life. My sponsor kept telling me it's not about me. It's about her. If I feel too sad to be of service, I call upon another friend to 'be the one'. She cusses at her cancer, about her doctor, about her sisters, etc. She's angry and has a right to be. So - I am a sponge and of service. Actions speak louder than words always - works for all of us as imperfect humans.
I suggest you go to as many meetings as you can find - you will need every tool you can collect to be of service. Keep coming back!
I can do that. Because I am new to this, I struggle with watching her damage herself further. I am standing by, watching her take steps to further her illness. My mother. As much as I want to be an adult and deal with this in a mature helpful way, there is still that little girl inside of me that wants to cry and scream "STOP DOING THAT!!"
I need to put this out there.
I have never said any of this to her or anyone else. These feelings I jot down on this board are all of the feelings I hold inside and can't say out loud.
I am going to attend another meeting on Tuesday, and then again on Thursday night depending how the surgery goes that day. I want to ask if anyone there (or even here) has any suggested reading materials that could give me a quick rundown on how to conduct myself. I wish I had started this process sooner so I would be better equipped to focus on her and her needs.
I'm at that brick wall point, where you are so angry and OVER IT that you become selfish, self centered and need to distance yourself from your qualifiers. And overnight, I need to figure out how to set all of those feelings aside and focus on mom again, but in a different way than I've ever had to before.
I love my mom so much. I hate that this is happening to her. I will keep my mouth closed and listen, be a shoulder.
But I will require a lot of help outside of that trying to let go of the idea that she will get better.
I'm so sorry this is happening.
Both my own parents had cancers that taking care of themselves would have probably prevented.
I had to make the journey from "They caused this! How could they be so infuriating and self-damaging?" to "How sad I am that they have been caught in these addictions that have harmed them so much."
It's also a very sad thing that no matter how well our parents might take care of themselves, at some point we are going to lose them. I was mad and sad about my parents and their behavior, as if they would have lived forever if only they had been smarter. Not to be dimissive of the sorrow at a disease that might have been prevented. But some of this sadness and anger is just at the fact that they won't be around forever, no matter what.
It's especially important that you take good care of yourself as you navigate these challenges. Hugs.
You are right. Entirely right.
I expect her to live longer. She is 58, I really did have the expectation that she would have many more years ahead. God willing, she will.
But you're right, my pain stems from my expectations.