Yes, I still gets my hopes up only to be disappointed when my AH says he is going to quit drinking for a while. Then he goes for 1 day off and has just headed out to get "only 3 mini's" but will come home with more. Last time he got a bottle saying that they ran out of mini's. BS! So here we go again! Some day I will stop getting my hopes up.
MissM said
Oct 13, 2016
I guess I arrived at a point where I always assumed that my "he" was going to do the direct opposite of whatever he said he was going to do. And then i was rarely disappointed!
What's plan B for if he does drink? What can you plan for yourself for the next few days that makes life pleasant for you regardless of what he does?
hotrod said
Oct 13, 2016
Dear Tired of it, Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
jojo8466 said
Oct 13, 2016
MissM wrote:
I guess I arrived at a point where I always assumed that my "he" was going to do the direct opposite of whatever he said he was going to do. And then i was rarely disappointed! What's plan B for if he does drink? What can you plan for yourself for the next few days that makes life pleasant for you regardless of what he does?
MissM ~ you always give the best insight and ask such thought provoking questions. I always get inspirations from your replies and can always relate in some way to your posts. Thank you for that!
Bethany66 said
Oct 13, 2016
I heard someone say that drinking is what alcoholics do. So what are YOU going to do? We cannot control what they do, but we can control how we respond, react to it and how either carefully we guard our serenity or carelessly we hand it over to the alcoholic.
I have come to not expect anymore. If it happens and he is sober, easier day at home. If it doesn't happen and he's not, I seek out ways to keep my peace of mind.
Its simple, but not easy. And I know it is going to take a lifetime of practice on my part!! I wish you peace today tired of it!
MissM said
Oct 13, 2016
Well thank you jojo, I needed to hear that today
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2016
(((tired of it))) - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I had to be taught over and over and over again to not tie my happiness to what anybody else did/did not do. It took a ton of practice to separate my emotions from other's actions, but it was so worth it. Each time we had a relapse here, I was told by my sponsor to thank God for the pain. It truly irritated me to no end, but I did as I was told.
What I learned from this is that my reactions to other's actions blocked me from my spiritual program. Each time I allowed other's to affect my emotional state, I was back in self-will - wanting it my way in my time frame instead of trusting God and allowing his will to lead. Each time, I was less disappointed as I thanked God for the pain. And with each relapse, I got more strength and self-reliance.
So - my experience is to feel the feeling and then just keep working your program. It took me a long, long time to see my part in these relapses. I never caused it or controlled it; however I certainly did judge and project negativity and allow another power over me. When I am close to the program, I can see my role way easier than when I am back in self-will. I know I have tons of learning to still do and that pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional, and I believe my HP wants me and all to be happy, joyous and free! You are growing and recovering even if it doesn't feel like it at times!! Keep coming back!
texas yankee said
Oct 13, 2016
In my experience, managing your expectations certainly helps - I used to hope for so many things for my son - now, if I get a call or a text I am grateful that he's alive - today - and where there's life, there's hope - but for me, letting myself get my hopes up is VERY dangerous for me - not being able to have any expectations for him is painful enough - having expectations crushed over and over is like dental work without anything to numb the pain.
e_i_m said
Oct 14, 2016
Hi tired of it, sorry that you're feeling disappointed by your husband's drinking. I really appreciate IAH's message that she "had to be taught over and over and over again not to tie her happiness to what anybody else did/did not do." I think we (at least this is true for me) understand the program's messages intellectually, but changing the habits of a lifetime doesn't happen over night. We know that we're independent people and we choose how to react, but sometimes are choices come so automatically. Working the program day by day and making new choices can make the healthier, al-anon behaviors more automatic and then we can begin to feel happy, joyous and free.
el-cee said
Oct 14, 2016
I was helped with my disappointment and expectations by learning about alcoholism as a disease. Its never going to be as simple as I wont drink again, ever or there would be no alcoholism. As far as I have learned it takes other alcoholics, a recovery program that treats the distorted and disturbed thinking processes. I learned about the shame and guilt felt by drinkers who cant stop alone. Then I learned that my expectations are my responsibility and no one elses. If I feel disappointed then its me who needs to re-evaluate my expectations and get them more in tune with reality.
This took me a while to get there though, alanon meetings and a complete program of recovery for me and my disturbed and distorted thought processes.
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2016
texas yankee - I can so relate about our children. I had this vision of what their life would be like. Today, I am excited that they are alive, working and I hear from them once in a while. I can readily admit that I no longer grieve for what they could have done/should have been. It took a ton of work and time in this program to fully accept that God's plan for them is way better than mine, and more will be revealed.
I too believe that understanding more about the disease and how it grabs hold and never lets up helped me stifle my expectations and disappointment. I had to learn more about me - what makes me take the actions and words of another person and place them above my own? Certainly I had low self-esteem and low self-worth ... but truly peeling back the layers of self allowed me to see how damaging my own views, attitudes and expectations were to me.
I am so grateful that the program and those who came before me have taught me that I should matter to me more than others - including my spouse, my children, my parents, friends, etc. I am worthy and God has great plans for me. Speed bumps and left turns in life are unavoidable, but walking with my HP instead of alone helps me to know I am clueless about what's around the next corner. I need to just walk with faith and trust that what is is supposed to be and what will be is also part of the bigger plan.
I hope just for today that you have more peace tired of it! (((Hugs))) - still sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
tired of it said
Oct 14, 2016
Thanks for the responses everyone. Sure is hard to not tie my happiness to another persons actions when it is just the two of you. I will keep trying though!
Bethany66 said
Oct 14, 2016
Tired,
Boy do I understand that. It is just the two of us at my house too. And sometimes 1900 SQ feet is just not enough space. And sometimes detachment feels like ignoring. And sometimes the only way to find peace is in my room, with the door shut, earplugs in, and a good book. That was me last night. As he drank and yelled obscenities at the TV set during the baseball game. He had a good run of sobriety (a week, maybe), but all good things must end in an alcoholic home.
We are all in this boat together. And there is peace and comfort there when we are all together. I wish you peace!
Enigmatic said
Oct 15, 2016
"I had to be taught over and over and over again to not tie my happiness to what anybody else did/did not do. It took a ton of practice to separate my emotions from other's actions, but it was so worth it. Each time we had a relapse here, I was told by my sponsor to thank God for the pain. It truly irritated me to no end, but I did as I was told.
What I learned from this is that my reactions to other's actions blocked me from my spiritual program. Each time I allowed other's to affect my emotional state, I was back in self-will - wanting it my way in my time frame instead of trusting God and allowing his will to lead. Each time, I was less disappointed as I thanked God for the pain. And with each relapse, I got more strength and self-reliance.
So - my experience is to feel the feeling and then just keep working your program. It took me a long, long time to see my part in these relapses. I never caused it or controlled it; however I certainly did judge and project negativity and allow another power over me. When I am close to the program, I can see my role way easier than when I am back in self-will. I know I have tons of learning to still do and that pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"
IAH, thank you so much for sharing your ESH; this is so incredibly helpful, really struck a chord...
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Saturday 15th of October 2016 09:02:19 AM
Yes, I still gets my hopes up only to be disappointed when my AH says he is going to quit drinking for a while. Then he goes for 1 day off and has just headed out to get "only 3 mini's" but will come home with more. Last time he got a bottle saying that they ran out of mini's. BS! So here we go again! Some day I will stop getting my hopes up.
What's plan B for if he does drink? What can you plan for yourself for the next few days that makes life pleasant for you regardless of what he does?
Dear Tired of it, Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
MissM ~ you always give the best insight and ask such thought provoking questions. I always get inspirations from your replies and can always relate in some way to your posts. Thank you for that!
I have come to not expect anymore. If it happens and he is sober, easier day at home. If it doesn't happen and he's not, I seek out ways to keep my peace of mind.
Its simple, but not easy. And I know it is going to take a lifetime of practice on my part!! I wish you peace today tired of it!
What I learned from this is that my reactions to other's actions blocked me from my spiritual program. Each time I allowed other's to affect my emotional state, I was back in self-will - wanting it my way in my time frame instead of trusting God and allowing his will to lead. Each time, I was less disappointed as I thanked God for the pain. And with each relapse, I got more strength and self-reliance.
So - my experience is to feel the feeling and then just keep working your program. It took me a long, long time to see my part in these relapses. I never caused it or controlled it; however I certainly did judge and project negativity and allow another power over me. When I am close to the program, I can see my role way easier than when I am back in self-will. I know I have tons of learning to still do and that pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional, and I believe my HP wants me and all to be happy, joyous and free! You are growing and recovering even if it doesn't feel like it at times!! Keep coming back!
This took me a while to get there though, alanon meetings and a complete program of recovery for me and my disturbed and distorted thought processes.
I too believe that understanding more about the disease and how it grabs hold and never lets up helped me stifle my expectations and disappointment. I had to learn more about me - what makes me take the actions and words of another person and place them above my own? Certainly I had low self-esteem and low self-worth ... but truly peeling back the layers of self allowed me to see how damaging my own views, attitudes and expectations were to me.
I am so grateful that the program and those who came before me have taught me that I should matter to me more than others - including my spouse, my children, my parents, friends, etc. I am worthy and God has great plans for me. Speed bumps and left turns in life are unavoidable, but walking with my HP instead of alone helps me to know I am clueless about what's around the next corner. I need to just walk with faith and trust that what is is supposed to be and what will be is also part of the bigger plan.
I hope just for today that you have more peace tired of it! (((Hugs))) - still sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
Thanks for the responses everyone. Sure is hard to not tie my happiness to another persons actions when it is just the two of you. I will keep trying though!
Boy do I understand that. It is just the two of us at my house too. And sometimes 1900 SQ feet is just not enough space. And sometimes detachment feels like ignoring. And sometimes the only way to find peace is in my room, with the door shut, earplugs in, and a good book. That was me last night. As he drank and yelled obscenities at the TV set during the baseball game. He had a good run of sobriety (a week, maybe), but all good things must end in an alcoholic home.
We are all in this boat together. And there is peace and comfort there when we are all together. I wish you peace!
"I had to be taught over and over and over again to not tie my happiness to what anybody else did/did not do. It took a ton of practice to separate my emotions from other's actions, but it was so worth it. Each time we had a relapse here, I was told by my sponsor to thank God for the pain. It truly irritated me to no end, but I did as I was told.
What I learned from this is that my reactions to other's actions blocked me from my spiritual program. Each time I allowed other's to affect my emotional state, I was back in self-will - wanting it my way in my time frame instead of trusting God and allowing his will to lead. Each time, I was less disappointed as I thanked God for the pain. And with each relapse, I got more strength and self-reliance.
So - my experience is to feel the feeling and then just keep working your program. It took me a long, long time to see my part in these relapses. I never caused it or controlled it; however I certainly did judge and project negativity and allow another power over me. When I am close to the program, I can see my role way easier than when I am back in self-will. I know I have tons of learning to still do and that pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"
IAH, thank you so much for sharing your ESH; this is so incredibly helpful, really struck a chord...
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Saturday 15th of October 2016 09:02:19 AM