Feeling quite low today. Time of the month. Anyway in the past I had always felt obliged to put on a happy pollyanna face for AH. Enabling his illusion that my life is wonderful. Ie that he is a fabulous husband and his daily drinking is normal.
Now, when I am down. I own it. I act it, I am true to myself
I will not pretend anymore for someone elses benefit. This dates back to childhood where us kids weren't allowed to acknowledge the insane alcoholic lifestyle we were in. We were meant to act happy and like we were the luckiest kids in the street. Lies.
Resting up, painkillers and several episodes of Law & Order.
Just the job. Plus authentic expression on my face.
El said
Oct 12, 2016
Love this! Take care of you and feel better!
jojo8466 said
Oct 12, 2016
I just don't think it's fair that due to Eve and that damn apple all of us women have to suffer each month. LOL. Hope you get to feeling better soon!
hotrod said
Oct 12, 2016
Glad you are being authentic . It does take practice. I so understand having to be always happy as a child and living in denial and pretend.
el-cee said
Oct 12, 2016
I find it hard to accept my feelings, its not really about others for me but when im down I always blame myself for not working it well enough. I want to get better at acknowledging my feelings, allowing them to be, accepting im human and cant be completely happy at all times. Im going to feel hormonal and down at times and its okay to sit with it a while. I get worried in case its my negative thinking creeping back in so I dont surrender to it and fight it often making it worse and often looking for people to blame. Thanks for this. I will be working on honouring my feelings and my humaness.x
Iamhere said
Oct 12, 2016
Sending you healing (((hugs))) Calm Lady! I do hope you feel better soon. I still at times struggle with the 'how do I feel' because I have always been the 'why' person....so - when I ask myself how do I feel, the very next question is why? And - that happens when I am feeling blessed as well as when I am feeling less than. I struggle to feel the feelings in both cases. I believe, for me, that I still struggle with feeling good while others are sick. I have a deep guilt for finding joy when others can not. It's the martyr in me, I believe, deep down that wants my emotions tied to what's going on and what others are feeling.
I readily admit that I am not good at rest/relaxation. I've been retired for 15 years now, and still feel guilty if I opt for an afternoon nap. I have gotten way better at this and allowing myself self-care but the whole concept of taking care of me at times still feels selfish. I do believe deep down my God wants me happy, joyous and free so when I am 'less than normal', I do try to give myself a break. Give you a break today and just heal.
I love Law & Order.....sounds like a great way to chill for as long as you need to.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 07:21:45 PM
KT2015 said
Oct 12, 2016
More HUGS to you Calm Lady. I can relate to pretending you are happy even when you are not. This program really made me see that I was not in touch with my feelings at all much less honouring those feelings. I used to beat myself up for getting angry or unhappy or grumpy or sad. Other people came to expect me to always plaster a smile on my face too. This program taught me a lot about figuring out how I am feeling and acknowledging it. My sponsor really helped me own my feelings. If I'm angry I can be angry I can feel angry I just can't take it out on others. The sooner I acknowledge it and allow the feeling the faster it seems to pass. And it works way better than stuffing my feelings used to work. I hope you had a restful day and honoured your not so happy side :) And I hope you feel better soon.
2HP said
Oct 12, 2016
lol, love it.
Those days have come and gone for me but my sponsor used to tell me, "Yep. we're powerless over our hormones too" ....and I'd be sobbing.... she kept saying, "powerless... powerless...." lol
Enjoy! enjoy! your self-care, every bit of it! to thine own self be true.
Calm Lady said
Oct 13, 2016
Big thanks to everyone. I very much appreciate your shares and support.
I did indeed feel better as I day went on.
I hate doing the fake happy face thing. I did the honest face thing instead.
Ha, don't know if coincidence or what but early this morning, 6am-ish, AH who had been drinking all night, had a sudden mood swing and got nasty and obnoxious. I removed myself and didn't engage with the verbal insanity.
Usual pity party stuff. His main beef these days is that I will not go on holiday with him. Who the heck wants to go on holiday with a person in full active disease and therefore flip flopping between anxious, angry, needy etc.
Not me.
Calm Lady said
Oct 13, 2016
Just sat relaxing. Do you know, the honest face thing feels incredibly good. I will do it all the time. Being honest and not being what I think others want sits well on me. Is comfortable.
My skin, body, mind, soul feels right.
This is a lovely step forward for a former major people pleaser like me. Just had a fabulous long chat with my sponsor too. About all this. Lots of lights going on in my head.
I feel so very blessed.
Wishing us all a peaceful Friday and weekend. Love our program.
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2016
Hey Calm Lady - incredibly awesome the way you're working it!! I love when folks come and share 'real' events and issues and their ESH. I hope you're feeling better today and no matter - you've got your serenity...keep working it girl - it looks so good on you. (((Hugs)))
Calm Lady said
Oct 14, 2016
Thank you, IAH. It feels good on me too.
Calm Lady said
Oct 14, 2016
I see now that there is a difference between me keeping a positive outlook for myself and being a fake Pollyanna false bright smile, with high pitched over the top voice who felt had the job of cheering everyone up.
I have held that job since I was little. I think was given to me by drunk father and physically violent untreated al-anon mum. It was for my safety to try and protect my little self.
I officially resign from that job aged 53 1/2!
I am seeking to please and protect myself from long dead people and also from ah who is going to do what drunks do, regardless of me.
Calm Lady said
Oct 14, 2016
I also see that the real me isn't a bright, shiny, bubblie person.
I am a quiet, soft, warm, introvert person.
And that is ok.
Calm Lady said
Oct 14, 2016
I am the warm lady sat in the corner taking it all in. Gently smiling and enjoying myself.
Wearing elegant clothes and feeling just right in them. Not crammed into teenager style of clothes, with over the top make up and hair.
el-cee said
Oct 14, 2016
This is amazing CalmLady, like true acceptance of self. I love that. I dont think Im quite there yet with the self acceptance and who I am changes each day. The difference for me is I have the confidence and courage most days to be me and to show anyone including myself all the different parts of me.
This seems like a deep step 3, being in Gods will is most likely that quiet soft warm introvert person you speak of, this person is most likely to be the instrument of Gods will. At the moment Im still a bit me me me mixed with a bit of that quiet introvert person. I quite like most of me right now. I like being quiet and soft and often I can deeper my relationships with God and those around me, I also like letting loose and I can get loud and bright and excitable. Im getting more and more okay with all of it. Thanks for this. Have a good dayx
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2016
I am like you El-Cee - I have learned to love myself as I am and truly enjoy my moments, my days and what's going on around me.....I am rarely the calm lady in the corner, but I can actually sit still for an hour and listen openly in meetings. This is a huge improvement for me as I was the little girl that could not sit still and did cartwheels down every hallway at school in my catholic uniform skirt or dress! I've always had more energy than necessary and I am so grateful that I can now apply that energy towards me, my activities and my needs instead of outwardly.
I can also let loose and be loud and bright. I believe one of the reasons I keep getting invited to play ball is because I am the person who walks up to the field knowing one/two and leaves with 6-7 new friends. I have no issue shouting out encouragement to everyone and never whine about the game, the players, the umpire, etc. There can be drama in many facets of life and I am the one who will say, "We're here to play ball - let's leave the drama in the lot."
It's good to be me, just for today! Happy Friday to one and all!
Feeling quite low today. Time of the month. Anyway in the past I had always felt obliged to put on a happy pollyanna face for AH. Enabling his illusion that my life is wonderful. Ie that he is a fabulous husband and his daily drinking is normal.
Now, when I am down. I own it. I act it, I am true to myself
I will not pretend anymore for someone elses benefit. This dates back to childhood where us kids weren't allowed to acknowledge the insane alcoholic lifestyle we were in. We were meant to act happy and like we were the luckiest kids in the street. Lies.
Resting up, painkillers and several episodes of Law & Order.
Just the job. Plus authentic expression on my face.
Love this! Take care of you and feel better!
Sending you healing (((hugs))) Calm Lady! I do hope you feel better soon. I still at times struggle with the 'how do I feel' because I have always been the 'why' person....so - when I ask myself how do I feel, the very next question is why? And - that happens when I am feeling blessed as well as when I am feeling less than. I struggle to feel the feelings in both cases. I believe, for me, that I still struggle with feeling good while others are sick. I have a deep guilt for finding joy when others can not. It's the martyr in me, I believe, deep down that wants my emotions tied to what's going on and what others are feeling.
I readily admit that I am not good at rest/relaxation. I've been retired for 15 years now, and still feel guilty if I opt for an afternoon nap. I have gotten way better at this and allowing myself self-care but the whole concept of taking care of me at times still feels selfish. I do believe deep down my God wants me happy, joyous and free so when I am 'less than normal', I do try to give myself a break. Give you a break today and just heal.
I love Law & Order.....sounds like a great way to chill for as long as you need to.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 07:21:45 PM
Those days have come and gone for me but my sponsor used to tell me, "Yep. we're powerless over our hormones too" ....and I'd be sobbing.... she kept saying, "powerless... powerless...." lol
Enjoy! enjoy! your self-care, every bit of it! to thine own self be true.
I did indeed feel better as I day went on.
I hate doing the fake happy face thing. I did the honest face thing instead.
Ha, don't know if coincidence or what but early this morning, 6am-ish, AH who had been drinking all night, had a sudden mood swing and got nasty and obnoxious. I removed myself and didn't engage with the verbal insanity.
Usual pity party stuff. His main beef these days is that I will not go on holiday with him. Who the heck wants to go on holiday with a person in full active disease and therefore flip flopping between anxious, angry, needy etc.
Not me.
My skin, body, mind, soul feels right.
This is a lovely step forward for a former major people pleaser like me. Just had a fabulous long chat with my sponsor too. About all this. Lots of lights going on in my head.
I feel so very blessed.
Wishing us all a peaceful Friday and weekend. Love our program.
I have held that job since I was little. I think was given to me by drunk father and physically violent untreated al-anon mum. It was for my safety to try and protect my little self.
I officially resign from that job aged 53 1/2!
I am seeking to please and protect myself from long dead people and also from ah who is going to do what drunks do, regardless of me.
I am a quiet, soft, warm, introvert person.
And that is ok.
Wearing elegant clothes and feeling just right in them. Not crammed into teenager style of clothes, with over the top make up and hair.
This seems like a deep step 3, being in Gods will is most likely that quiet soft warm introvert person you speak of, this person is most likely to be the instrument of Gods will. At the moment Im still a bit me me me mixed with a bit of that quiet introvert person. I quite like most of me right now. I like being quiet and soft and often I can deeper my relationships with God and those around me, I also like letting loose and I can get loud and bright and excitable. Im getting more and more okay with all of it. Thanks for this. Have a good dayx
I can also let loose and be loud and bright. I believe one of the reasons I keep getting invited to play ball is because I am the person who walks up to the field knowing one/two and leaves with 6-7 new friends. I have no issue shouting out encouragement to everyone and never whine about the game, the players, the umpire, etc. There can be drama in many facets of life and I am the one who will say, "We're here to play ball - let's leave the drama in the lot."
It's good to be me, just for today! Happy Friday to one and all!