This is something I still need to work on. I progressed to not accept abuse and such, but am still easily offended and upset by others' behaviors. If I perceive insult, slight, disrespect, or undue criticism, I will expect an apology and give stank attitude, rudeness, or snarky sarcastic comments and justify it.
Meanwhile, it is me who is angry and people are almost NEVER going to apologize because they usually dont or wont acknowledge they were ever wrong and that is part of what made them act in the manner that annoyed, bothered, upset, or offended me in the first place.
I know what the program "says" to do about resentments...but it is hard. I don't want to pray for people that I have disdain for. These are petty resentments from people that should not matter to me so much. Like I almost go looking for annoying people to be mad at. WTF!!!
I want to get my Kumbaya lovey warm self more consistently back...but not be a pushover either. Need balance. This long term program stuff is always fine tuning. Bleh. Dumb feelings. Grumble.
hotrod said
Oct 11, 2016
hi Mark I found that when i accepted that holding on to these angry feelings was stealing my serenity and peace, I then could use the Steps to let go of the anger and find peace . Good luck
pinkchip said
Oct 11, 2016
Thanks betty. I'm hoping that dumping it here/telling on myself here is part of being willing to change. I also know that alanon is a great place to tune up on detachment and forgiveness....not to mention just letting go and focusing on me and good healthy stuff. I work around sick and entitled people in treatment daily. Why search it out on my free time?
geems said
Oct 11, 2016
(((pinkchip))) thanks for being here and sharing as much as you do. I look for your name on the boards when I sign on (less frequently now that I don't have my own computer) hoping you've posted. I love your sense of humor, smarts, willingness to be open and your puppy.
MissM said
Oct 11, 2016
I have a default state that wants people to be mean and then sorry (consider my relationships, I mean come on). Somewhere along the way I think I learned that the only way anyone would be nice to me or care about me was if they were sorry, and they could only be sorry if they hurt me first. Well that's the best I can figure it; I see it play out in a lot of those around me (always trying to make people feel bad because that somehow makes them feel good?)
I try to be nice to that part of me when I feel it coming out to complain because I definitely gain more ground with myself when I'm nice to me than when I try to kick my own ass (that never works). Part of me learned a really horrid and destructive coping tool a long time ago and when I'm down/tired/distracted/whatever, I default to it. (And it never works anyway. No-one'es ever really sorry, or less self involved just because they've made ME sad so how was it ever meant to work??
(It just occurred to me that maybe I spent 30 something years being a complete ass to myself so that I could then decide a few years ago that I was sorry and spend the rest of my life making it up to me, lol- the ultimate enactment of the whole thing).
Anyway I reckon gently does it; something causes you to default to a really crappy coping mechanism....what is it?
hotrod said
Oct 11, 2016
((Mark)) You got this . :) Glad that you are here and honest enough to share.
Ms.M. Love your in depth analysis.
-
Iamhere said
Oct 11, 2016
(((PC))) - for me, my want (thought it was a need) of an apology when another wrongs me was all about my ego and entitlement. After all, I work a program and treat everyone with respect....in return, I tend to 'expect' others to be/do same/similar. What my sponsor very gently reminds me that most of those I interact with have their own disease. If I can release the anger, disappointment, etc. BEFORE I swallow it, it seems to help me.
I am allowed my own necessary 'action' in private. For me, this is at times an eyeroll and/or some curse words. I am then to let it go and let God. I know you know this but I'll say it again just for recall purposes, the way others treat me really has nothing to do with me - it's about them. What I find is that many times, when I believe I've been wronged, and want an apology or the like, it does happen - in their way and in their time frame.
You are intelligent - I can tell that by your writing. Many intelligent people process a situation faster than others. We are on the other side before the other party even realizes we are upset/made/disappointed. My AH is also very smart - however, he processes at a completely different rate than I do. When I continue to focus on me, why this is eating my lunch, how do I let it go, etc. it seems to help me realize that their way or righting a wrong might be vastly different than my way.
I really, really had to work hard to accept that I can forgive others and let them be as they are without them ever asking. My sponsor was so very, very helpful for this as I really thought I would take some of my resentments to my grave. The steps and a loving sponsor made the different for me. I still allow myself to 'talk in my head' - I just use more of a filter for what comes from there and out of my lips. You got this!!
pinkchip said
Oct 11, 2016
Mel...I think it is default...restless, irritable, discontent and toss in some self sabotage for good measure. This is alcoholism on a broad scale...being affected and/or having it I suppose. Character defects get better but pop up again and we keep playing whack-a-mole on them. I have been wrestling with this all month. A large part revolves around rejoining another recovery board that has tons of nasty angry trolls on it and I get off arguing with them. It's sick. It does extend to my daily life too though...on the road...at work. Like I have a "you picked the wrong person to screw with!!" thing I am literally embracing and it may be the pendulum over swingimg from having once been bullied.
Jerry F said
Oct 11, 2016
Beautiful share Mark and the subject so right on for those of us wanting a different way of life. I had to laugh with your opening post because of course I am always asked "what does this have to do with you" and most often the asker is me. I clearly remember becoming a "noner" and how hurtful that was for me. Give up my resentments what ever you called them...absolutely not until I got payback that satisfied my sense of justice. I was insane and a rageful individual and had a whole galaxy of individuals to blame for it along with a score book and then a Higher Power that loved me beyond explanation tirelessly. HP put the right people in my life as HP always does for my peace of mind and serenity. My sponsor use to ask me regarding the subject of resentments "So how is that working out for you"? and when I responded with venom "I hate it" he would ask again "So sticks and stones can break your bones eh"? I expressed resentments with love with him and the love kept us together.
Don T. taught me "the opposites". He explained that if a certain emotions was causing me pain to live the opposite emotion and get relief. The opposite of resentment is forgiveness and forgiveness uses compassion and understanding and the outcome is peace of mind and soul and serenity and another less victim of my bruised ego and pride. Empathy and understanding are also characteristics of forgiveness and I value them because the experiences of them is spiritually soothing. I rather hold a soothing spirit than any resentment available to me. To understand where the hurtful person is coming from or is at that time is powerful because often I can offer them the opposite of what it is they might be expecting. Hurt comes from hurt. I inventoried this premise and found the tap root of my anxiety and rage and then I found peace of mind and serenity.
It worked that way for me. It takes courage and empathy and compassion to initiate and then hold on to the way to forgiveness rather than not. I've been taught by masters and I practice, practice, practice daily as I live in a climate of illegal occupation by the u.s. in my country Hawaii. I don't cow down to anyone I accept opportunities to teach and mentor change and then I let it go.
Thanks so much for your ESH and support. (((((Hugs)))))
If you make forgiveness a habit it becomes easy.
lookingup said
Oct 11, 2016
Thank you pinkchip for sharing ,I to relate to being picked on when young ,today I have the same thoughts as you as in "you picked the wrong one to screw with" something I need to work on also .....hugs...lu
el-cee said
Oct 12, 2016
I can get like this too and I like your idea of whack a mole with our shortcomings. I thought that being entirely ready to let them go meant they would be gone forever but being entirely ready takes work. Coming here with it is you becoming entirely ready but to get entirely ready maybe you need a bit more understanding of the shortcoming in the first place. So taking hurts, what is it that is making you take the jurt, have you put value on what others think of you and if so it could be work on taking it all back to you. Defining who you are with a step 4 and that way noone can claim to know more of you and have an opinion based on evidence and if they do then you will know it anyway. Hope this makes sense. I find I can swing like apendulum from self validation, I know who I am and the towards others validation where im looking for approval and I can take hurts and resentments this way. Good to hear from you dollface.x
milkwood said
Oct 12, 2016
Thank you Mark - your post and the wisdom of the responses you've received here have helped me so much.
I've been grumbling along with you for a few weeks now - disliking someone close to me because their apology doesn't measure up to my expectations! As you say, WTF!!!
Thank you for the 'whack-a-mole' image.
(((((Hugs))))) from one wannabe grump to another - who'd have thought it eh?!!
2HP said
Oct 12, 2016
My friend, if you have been bullied, you may still very angry about that, you may have suffered deep wounds. I have done energy work on people who experience emotional release during the session, and they realize it came from long long ago. the pain is stored inside.
Your own comment, "I get off on it".... yet you seem to be suffering... kinda reminds me of my sponsor asking me, "What are you getting out of that? You're getting something out of it or you wouldn't be doing it." Perhaps engaging in a futile battle relives the past for you... and perhaps you are longing to heal from it, to make peace with the past... ?
Just want to share that there are a few members in my Saturday group who talk about EMDR therapy, they share frequently about the relief EMDR provided in healing their childhood traumas. One friend (who's been in 12 steps programs for over 30 years) told me that the steps alone were not enough to relieve her pain so that she could finally move on with her life, she loves talking about EMDR.
Take care of your spirit, my friend. you are so LOVED even if that message got seriously messed up along the way. (auto-correct won't let me type what i really want to type, lol. oh well, it would've been edited anyway, lol)
(((((peace)))))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 03:48:21 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 03:49:30 PM
LinSC said
Oct 12, 2016
All in all from my perspective, looking from the outside in. Could it be that your life is a little dull, and your looking for or miss a little drama or passion in your life? So your taking on some trolls (who you won't see the next day) for a little debate, argument. A little conflict can spice up ones life if not taken too seriously. That's the feeling I get from your post. Just thinking! don't know you that well. Take what you like and leave the rest.....peace, linsc
This is something I still need to work on. I progressed to not accept abuse and such, but am still easily offended and upset by others' behaviors. If I perceive insult, slight, disrespect, or undue criticism, I will expect an apology and give stank attitude, rudeness, or snarky sarcastic comments and justify it.
Meanwhile, it is me who is angry and people are almost NEVER going to apologize because they usually dont or wont acknowledge they were ever wrong and that is part of what made them act in the manner that annoyed, bothered, upset, or offended me in the first place.
I know what the program "says" to do about resentments...but it is hard. I don't want to pray for people that I have disdain for. These are petty resentments from people that should not matter to me so much. Like I almost go looking for annoying people to be mad at. WTF!!!
I want to get my Kumbaya lovey warm self more consistently back...but not be a pushover either. Need balance. This long term program stuff is always fine tuning. Bleh. Dumb feelings. Grumble.
hi Mark I found that when i accepted that holding on to these angry feelings was stealing my serenity and peace, I then could use the Steps to let go of the anger and find peace . Good luck
I try to be nice to that part of me when I feel it coming out to complain because I definitely gain more ground with myself when I'm nice to me than when I try to kick my own ass (that never works). Part of me learned a really horrid and destructive coping tool a long time ago and when I'm down/tired/distracted/whatever, I default to it. (And it never works anyway. No-one'es ever really sorry, or less self involved just because they've made ME sad so how was it ever meant to work??
(It just occurred to me that maybe I spent 30 something years being a complete ass to myself so that I could then decide a few years ago that I was sorry and spend the rest of my life making it up to me, lol- the ultimate enactment of the whole thing).
Anyway I reckon gently does it; something causes you to default to a really crappy coping mechanism....what is it?
((Mark)) You got this . :) Glad that you are here and honest enough to share.
Ms.M. Love your in depth analysis.
-
I am allowed my own necessary 'action' in private. For me, this is at times an eyeroll and/or some curse words. I am then to let it go and let God. I know you know this but I'll say it again just for recall purposes, the way others treat me really has nothing to do with me - it's about them. What I find is that many times, when I believe I've been wronged, and want an apology or the like, it does happen - in their way and in their time frame.
You are intelligent - I can tell that by your writing. Many intelligent people process a situation faster than others. We are on the other side before the other party even realizes we are upset/made/disappointed. My AH is also very smart - however, he processes at a completely different rate than I do. When I continue to focus on me, why this is eating my lunch, how do I let it go, etc. it seems to help me realize that their way or righting a wrong might be vastly different than my way.
I really, really had to work hard to accept that I can forgive others and let them be as they are without them ever asking. My sponsor was so very, very helpful for this as I really thought I would take some of my resentments to my grave. The steps and a loving sponsor made the different for me. I still allow myself to 'talk in my head' - I just use more of a filter for what comes from there and out of my lips. You got this!!
Beautiful share Mark and the subject so right on for those of us wanting a different way of life. I had to laugh with your opening post because of course I am always asked "what does this have to do with you" and most often the asker is me. I clearly remember becoming a "noner" and how hurtful that was for me. Give up my resentments what ever you called them...absolutely not until I got payback that satisfied my sense of justice. I was insane and a rageful individual and had a whole galaxy of individuals to blame for it along with a score book and then a Higher Power that loved me beyond explanation tirelessly. HP put the right people in my life as HP always does for my peace of mind and serenity. My sponsor use to ask me regarding the subject of resentments "So how is that working out for you"? and when I responded with venom "I hate it" he would ask again "So sticks and stones can break your bones eh"? I expressed resentments with love with him and the love kept us together.
Don T. taught me "the opposites". He explained that if a certain emotions was causing me pain to live the opposite emotion and get relief. The opposite of resentment is forgiveness and forgiveness uses compassion and understanding and the outcome is peace of mind and soul and serenity and another less victim of my bruised ego and pride. Empathy and understanding are also characteristics of forgiveness and I value them because the experiences of them is spiritually soothing. I rather hold a soothing spirit than any resentment available to me. To understand where the hurtful person is coming from or is at that time is powerful because often I can offer them the opposite of what it is they might be expecting. Hurt comes from hurt. I inventoried this premise and found the tap root of my anxiety and rage and then I found peace of mind and serenity.
It worked that way for me. It takes courage and empathy and compassion to initiate and then hold on to the way to forgiveness rather than not. I've been taught by masters and I practice, practice, practice daily as I live in a climate of illegal occupation by the u.s. in my country Hawaii. I don't cow down to anyone I accept opportunities to teach and mentor change and then I let it go.
Thanks so much for your ESH and support. (((((Hugs)))))
If you make forgiveness a habit it becomes easy.
I can get like this too and I like your idea of whack a mole with our shortcomings. I thought that being entirely ready to let them go meant they would be gone forever but being entirely ready takes work. Coming here with it is you becoming entirely ready but to get entirely ready maybe you need a bit more understanding of the shortcoming in the first place. So taking hurts, what is it that is making you take the jurt, have you put value on what others think of you and if so it could be work on taking it all back to you. Defining who you are with a step 4 and that way noone can claim to know more of you and have an opinion based on evidence and if they do then you will know it anyway. Hope this makes sense. I find I can swing like apendulum from self validation, I know who I am and the towards others validation where im looking for approval and I can take hurts and resentments this way. Good to hear from you dollface.x
I've been grumbling along with you for a few weeks now - disliking someone close to me because their apology doesn't measure up to my expectations! As you say, WTF!!!
Thank you for the 'whack-a-mole' image.
(((((Hugs))))) from one wannabe grump to another - who'd have thought it eh?!!
My friend, if you have been bullied, you may still very angry about that, you may have suffered deep wounds. I have done energy work on people who experience emotional release during the session, and they realize it came from long long ago. the pain is stored inside.
Your own comment, "I get off on it".... yet you seem to be suffering... kinda reminds me of my sponsor asking me, "What are you getting out of that? You're getting something out of it or you wouldn't be doing it." Perhaps engaging in a futile battle relives the past for you... and perhaps you are longing to heal from it, to make peace with the past... ?
Just want to share that there are a few members in my Saturday group who talk about EMDR therapy, they share frequently about the relief EMDR provided in healing their childhood traumas. One friend (who's been in 12 steps programs for over 30 years) told me that the steps alone were not enough to relieve her pain so that she could finally move on with her life, she loves talking about EMDR.
Take care of your spirit, my friend. you are so LOVED even if that message got seriously messed up along the way. (auto-correct won't let me type what i really want to type, lol. oh well, it would've been edited anyway, lol)
(((((peace)))))
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 03:48:21 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 03:49:30 PM
All in all from my perspective, looking from the outside in. Could it be that your life is a little dull, and your looking for or miss a little drama or passion in your life? So your taking on some trolls (who you won't see the next day) for a little debate, argument. A little conflict can spice up ones life if not taken too seriously. That's the feeling I get from your post. Just thinking! don't know you that well. Take what you like and leave the rest.....peace, linsc