Support groups/books/etc recommendations for new girlfriend of an alcoholic in recovery
Lys said
Oct 11, 2016
Hello! Can anyone recommend online support groups.. books.. any type of material really.... for dating an alcoholic?
It's a new relationship - about 2 months. My boyfriend is graduating from a 30 day recovery program this weekend.
He has been fighting his addiction for over 10 years and has been in many recovery programs over the years. He doesn't have much support from family or friends so I am hoping that my support will help him stay clean for good this time.
I'm curious to learn what has been most helpful to other families/friends/spouses of recovering addicts?
Thank you!
hotrod said
Oct 11, 2016
Welcome Lys, I first needed to understand that alcoholism is a dreadful , chronic, progressive disease over which I was powerless. Interacting with someone who is immersed in this disease, causes many of us (family members) to develop many negative coping tools to survive.
Alanon is the recovery program for family members who need to be supported in order to regain their self esteem, self worth and to break the isolation caused by lving with the disease.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Literature is also available at the meetings. This literature describes the disease and offers helpful tools to use in order to interact with the insanity.
Some of these books are:
Alcoholism the Family Disease
How Alanon Works
Paths to Recovery
Keep coming back. There is hope.
pinkchip said
Oct 11, 2016
Agree with betty's suggestions, but keep expectations low. Relapse rates are high (as you can tell from his 10 years relapsing) and there is no way you can keep him sober. Only he can do that. His disease is infinitely stronger than you. I hope you are not in the relationship for a project or a "fixer-upper." The desire to "save" others is a harmful (albeit well meaning) pattern with us alanoners. Hope this does not sound too harsh but I seriously felt you deserve to hear all this early on before you are even more tied to this guy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 07:12:38 PM
starcatcher2 said
Oct 11, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
Agree with betty's suggestions, but keep expectations low. Relapse rates are high (as you can tell from his 10 years relapsing) and there is no way you can keep him sober. Only he can do that. His disease is infinitely stronger than you. I hope you are not in the relationship for a project or a "fixer-upper." The desire to "save" others is a harmful (albeit well meaning) pattern with us alanoners. Hope this does not sound too harsh but I seriously felt you deserve to hear all this early on before you are even more tied to this guy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 07:12:38 PM
OH this was me almost 1 year ago ago. New girlfriend trying my best to support my new alcoholic boyfriend (now ex). I am by no means trying to discourage you by supporting him in any way. I stood by my ex the entire time. Supported him in every way. I was told the same exact thing, keep your expectations low, he may very well relapse, and he did...several times. Just ensure that you take care of you and don't immerse yourself in helping him, and you loose yourself. I was focusing so much on him and his recovery and trying to make it easier for him, that I lost myself and him. I thought I could handle it since I came from an alcoholic family...not thinking that I was just engaging in the cycle.
I wish you nothing but luck. I truly hope that he continues his recovery when he gets out, and you take care of YOU as well.
Iamhere said
Oct 11, 2016
Welcome to MIP Lys - I am glad you found us and am glad that you posted! The best support you can give to him is to allow him to recover/not as he needs to. As Betty points out, this is a disease and it's progressive. We (those who love or live with an alcoholic/addict) mean well and often our 'help' is not actually helpful - it is enabling. When we enable, they don't feel/receive the natural consequences of their actions and it tends to prolong the disease/bottom necessary for recovery.
I encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings. You will find most/all literature there to help you help yourself and support him without enabling or enmeshing in his life/recovery. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back - you are not alone!
Lys said
Oct 12, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
Welcome to MIP Lys - I am glad you found us and am glad that you posted! The best support you can give to him is to allow him to recover/not as he needs to. As Betty points out, this is a disease and it's progressive. We (those who love or live with an alcoholic/addict) mean well and often our 'help' is not actually helpful - it is enabling. When we enable, they don't feel/receive the natural consequences of their actions and it tends to prolong the disease/bottom necessary for recovery.
I encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings. You will find most/all literature there to help you help yourself and support him without enabling or enmeshing in his life/recovery. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back - you are not alone!
Thank you! Are there any in person meetings only for family/friends of addicts? I'm in Santa Fe and I can't seem to find any.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 09:43:05 AM
Lys said
Oct 12, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
Agree with betty's suggestions, but keep expectations low. Relapse rates are high (as you can tell from his 10 years relapsing) and there is no way you can keep him sober. Only he can do that. His disease is infinitely stronger than you. I hope you are not in the relationship for a project or a "fixer-upper." The desire to "save" others is a harmful (albeit well meaning) pattern with us alanoners. Hope this does not sound too harsh but I seriously felt you deserve to hear all this early on before you are even more tied to this guy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 07:12:38 PM
I appreciate your honesty. I do not view him as a "project" at all. Just wanting resources so I can be as supportive as possible.
Lys said
Oct 12, 2016
starcatcher2 wrote:
pinkchip wrote:
Agree with betty's suggestions, but keep expectations low. Relapse rates are high (as you can tell from his 10 years relapsing) and there is no way you can keep him sober. Only he can do that. His disease is infinitely stronger than you. I hope you are not in the relationship for a project or a "fixer-upper." The desire to "save" others is a harmful (albeit well meaning) pattern with us alanoners. Hope this does not sound too harsh but I seriously felt you deserve to hear all this early on before you are even more tied to this guy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 07:12:38 PM
OH this was me almost 1 year ago ago. New girlfriend trying my best to support my new alcoholic boyfriend (now ex). I am by no means trying to discourage you by supporting him in any way. I stood by my ex the entire time. Supported him in every way. I was told the same exact thing, keep your expectations low, he may very well relapse, and he did...several times. Just ensure that you take care of you and don't immerse yourself in helping him, and you loose yourself. I was focusing so much on him and his recovery and trying to make it easier for him, that I lost myself and him. I thought I could handle it since I came from an alcoholic family...not thinking that I was just engaging in the cycle.
I wish you nothing but luck. I truly hope that he continues his recovery when he gets out, and you take care of YOU as well.
Good advice, thank you! Yes, everyone has told me to stay away from him, including his own mother. After getting to know her I've realized she's very mean and unsupportive. He needs good, positive support.
Lys said
Oct 12, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
Welcome to MIP Lys - I am glad you found us and am glad that you posted! The best support you can give to him is to allow him to recover/not as he needs to. As Betty points out, this is a disease and it's progressive. We (those who love or live with an alcoholic/addict) mean well and often our 'help' is not actually helpful - it is enabling. When we enable, they don't feel/receive the natural consequences of their actions and it tends to prolong the disease/bottom necessary for recovery.
I encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings. You will find most/all literature there to help you help yourself and support him without enabling or enmeshing in his life/recovery. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back - you are not alone!
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 09:43:05 AM
Thank you! These are for the alcoholics and families alike, correct? Are there groups for just family/friends?
KennyFenderjazz said
Oct 12, 2016
Hi Lys,
Al Anon is for family/friends of alcoholics. AA is for alcoholics. They are two separate groups.
Kenny
Lys said
Oct 12, 2016
KennyFenderjazz wrote:
Hi Lys,
Al Anon is for family/friends of alcoholics. AA is for alcoholics. They are two separate groups.
Kenny
ohhhhh, thank you!
Mattie said
Oct 12, 2016
I think most or all of us have had that feeling of "Other people in this alcoholic's life have let him down - that's pretty awful - but I'm going to be the person who won't let him down." It helps make us feel special, I think - I know I felt that way. I thought I could be the one that made the difference. I hadn't heard the Three C's: "You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it." "It" being the active drinking and alcoholism. The fact is that if support from others could have made the crucial difference in an alcoholic's recovery, there'd be no alcoholics left in the world. Because we supportive partners have tried it all. But if he's not going to drink, he's not going to drink, and if he is, he is. Nothing we do or don't do makes a difference. I'm afraid there is no "being supportive." Trying to coax him into doing the right things (attending AA meetings, avoiding bars, or whatever) doesn't have much effect and alcoholics typically regard it as controlling (which, you know, it kind of is). Then they often blame us when they lapse - "You wouldn't get off my back" or "You weren't supportive in the right way!" Similarly, sticking around when they relapse and behave badly just leads them to believe that they can relapse and behave badly without it having any bad effects - so why stop drinking?
What we often find when we get into it more deeply is that all the people who look "unsupportive" have been through the wringer, being lied to, stolen from, passed out on, and so on. So they are angry and detached and critical and it looks as if they're the problem. But they're just the fallout.
That's my experience from a lot of years with an alcoholic. I hope you'll find a good Al-Anon meeting and take care of yourself.
starcatcher2 said
Oct 12, 2016
Mattie wrote:
I think most or all of us have had that feeling of "Other people in this alcoholic's life have let him down - that's pretty awful - but I'm going to be the person who won't let him down." It helps make us feel special, I think - I know I felt that way. I thought I could be the one that made the difference. I hadn't heard the Three C's: "You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it." "It" being the active drinking and alcoholism. The fact is that if support from others could have made the crucial difference in an alcoholic's recovery, there'd be no alcoholics left in the world. Because we supportive partners have tried it all. But if he's not going to drink, he's not going to drink, and if he is, he is. Nothing we do or don't do makes a difference. I'm afraid there is no "being supportive." Trying to coax him into doing the right things (attending AA meetings, avoiding bars, or whatever) doesn't have much effect and alcoholics typically regard it as controlling (which, you know, it kind of is). Then they often blame us when they lapse - "You wouldn't get off my back" or "You weren't supportive in the right way!" Similarly, sticking around when they relapse and behave badly just leads them to believe that they can relapse and behave badly without it having any bad effects - so why stop drinking?
What we often find when we get into it more deeply is that all the people who look "unsupportive" have been through the wringer, being lied to, stolen from, passed out on, and so on. So they are angry and detached and critical and it looks as if they're the problem. But they're just the fallout.
That's my experience from a lot of years with an alcoholic. I hope you'll find a good Al-Anon meeting and take care of yourself.
Hello Mattie,
I love your post. And you are so on POINT on the "Other people in this alcoholic's life have let him down - that's pretty awful - but I'm going to be the person who won't let him down." That was me! What I find funny is that my ex actually did say I was controlling, by asking him questions (have you met with your sponsor, how was your meeting, are you going to a meeting?). I never meant it as controlling, when I asked about the meetings. I was genuinely asking if he had a good one and he felt better. I never asked for details.....he was always willing to talk if he wanted to share. I never pushed it. When of our downfalls is that I actually did stop asking.....about everything. That was the beginning of me pulling away.
Lys said
Oct 12, 2016
Mattie wrote:
I think most or all of us have had that feeling of "Other people in this alcoholic's life have let him down - that's pretty awful - but I'm going to be the person who won't let him down." It helps make us feel special, I think - I know I felt that way. I thought I could be the one that made the difference. I hadn't heard the Three C's: "You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it." "It" being the active drinking and alcoholism. The fact is that if support from others could have made the crucial difference in an alcoholic's recovery, there'd be no alcoholics left in the world. Because we supportive partners have tried it all. But if he's not going to drink, he's not going to drink, and if he is, he is. Nothing we do or don't do makes a difference. I'm afraid there is no "being supportive." Trying to coax him into doing the right things (attending AA meetings, avoiding bars, or whatever) doesn't have much effect and alcoholics typically regard it as controlling (which, you know, it kind of is). Then they often blame us when they lapse - "You wouldn't get off my back" or "You weren't supportive in the right way!" Similarly, sticking around when they relapse and behave badly just leads them to believe that they can relapse and behave badly without it having any bad effects - so why stop drinking?
What we often find when we get into it more deeply is that all the people who look "unsupportive" have been through the wringer, being lied to, stolen from, passed out on, and so on. So they are angry and detached and critical and it looks as if they're the problem. But they're just the fallout.
That's my experience from a lot of years with an alcoholic. I hope you'll find a good Al-Anon meeting and take care of yourself.
I hear what you are saying. I don't expect to save him. However, I do believe a positive support system is vital. We can make a difference in certain (albeit limited) ways. People that believe in him when he's in moments of doubt. Loved ones that visit him while he's in recovery and offer to attend meetings with him. A consistent reminder that with sobriety comes happiness and success and positive relationships. No one should have to go through it alone.
I've never had to coax him into anything. I've made suggestions and asked him if he thinks he'd benefit from a recovery program etc. I told him I'd take him to detox when he was ready. He chose to go. He chose to go into recovery. He's choosing to go into sober living next. It's all him. I've been by his side praising his good decisions and encouraging him to keep making positive choices. Ultimately, the choices are his. Never forced on my part. I believe it's been helpful for him.
Iamhere said
Oct 12, 2016
Good on you Lys! I agree that providing support to another in recovery is very helpful! I was never one that wanted to save my alcoholic(s) (also known as a/k/a qualifiers). I truly wanted them to stop affecting my life with drama and chaos, and I wanted them to live. Two of mine were my children, so while they were minors, I truly muddied all the water trying to determine what was parenting, what was helping, what was controlling, what was enabling, etc. In my location, the parents can also be held legally responsible for the actions of their minors, so I had a genuine fear for my own liability when they were breaking the law.
The easiest definition I heard early on about supporting vs. enabling was we help with no expectations and no agenda. If we have an agenda beyond being of service and/or an expectation of the outcome, we may need to step back a minute. Enabling has always been explained to me as doing for another what they can/should/could do for themselves.
We each come with a completely different set of experiences and circumstances. No two of us are the same and no two alcoholics are the same. Many alcoholics relapse and repeat treatment and many do not. It's an individual journey for each of us and we get to select the best set of tools to get us to another day. I am one who celebrated 29 years of sobriety last weekend and consider myself a miracle, one day at a time. Miracles happen often/always - I've seen them all around me.
I do agree with pinkchip - keeping your expectations low will help you manage your emotions when there are issues. Even if he never ever uses again, early sobriety is very painful, difficult and frightening for everyone. One day at a time was such a gift for me - first when I got sober and then also when I came to Al-Anon to solve may insanity/chaos caused by the drinking of others I love.
Keep coming back - you are not alone! My all-time favorite Al-Anon books are "How Al-Anon Works" and "Courage to Change". The second is a daily reader and it gives a concept, thought, idea, principle each day and that helps me stay present and gives me something to consider during my day. It also has a great index in the back, so if I am struggling with anger or fear or ???, I can look back there and get readings specific to the topic I need to 'hear' on...
Hello! Can anyone recommend online support groups.. books.. any type of material really.... for dating an alcoholic?
It's a new relationship - about 2 months. My boyfriend is graduating from a 30 day recovery program this weekend.
He has been fighting his addiction for over 10 years and has been in many recovery programs over the years. He doesn't have much support from family or friends so I am hoping that my support will help him stay clean for good this time.
I'm curious to learn what has been most helpful to other families/friends/spouses of recovering addicts?
Thank you!
Welcome Lys, I first needed to understand that alcoholism is a dreadful , chronic, progressive disease over which I was powerless. Interacting with someone who is immersed in this disease, causes many of us (family members) to develop many negative coping tools to survive.
Alanon is the recovery program for family members who need to be supported in order to regain their self esteem, self worth and to break the isolation caused by lving with the disease.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Literature is also available at the meetings. This literature describes the disease and offers helpful tools to use in order to interact with the insanity.
Some of these books are:
Alcoholism the Family Disease
How Alanon Works
Paths to Recovery
Keep coming back. There is hope.
Agree with betty's suggestions, but keep expectations low. Relapse rates are high (as you can tell from his 10 years relapsing) and there is no way you can keep him sober. Only he can do that. His disease is infinitely stronger than you. I hope you are not in the relationship for a project or a "fixer-upper." The desire to "save" others is a harmful (albeit well meaning) pattern with us alanoners. Hope this does not sound too harsh but I seriously felt you deserve to hear all this early on before you are even more tied to this guy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 07:12:38 PM
OH this was me almost 1 year ago ago. New girlfriend trying my best to support my new alcoholic boyfriend (now ex). I am by no means trying to discourage you by supporting him in any way. I stood by my ex the entire time. Supported him in every way. I was told the same exact thing, keep your expectations low, he may very well relapse, and he did...several times. Just ensure that you take care of you and don't immerse yourself in helping him, and you loose yourself. I was focusing so much on him and his recovery and trying to make it easier for him, that I lost myself and him. I thought I could handle it since I came from an alcoholic family...not thinking that I was just engaging in the cycle.
I wish you nothing but luck. I truly hope that he continues his recovery when he gets out, and you take care of YOU as well.
I encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings. You will find most/all literature there to help you help yourself and support him without enabling or enmeshing in his life/recovery. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back - you are not alone!
Thank you! Are there any in person meetings only for family/friends of addicts? I'm in Santa Fe and I can't seem to find any.
nmal-anon.org/Meetings_SantaFe.htm
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-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 12th of October 2016 09:43:05 AM
I appreciate your honesty. I do not view him as a "project" at all. Just wanting resources so I can be as supportive as possible.
Good advice, thank you! Yes, everyone has told me to stay away from him, including his own mother. After getting to know her I've realized she's very mean and unsupportive. He needs good, positive support.
Thank you!
Thank you! These are for the alcoholics and families alike, correct? Are there groups for just family/friends?
Al Anon is for family/friends of alcoholics. AA is for alcoholics. They are two separate groups.
Kenny
ohhhhh, thank you!
I think most or all of us have had that feeling of "Other people in this alcoholic's life have let him down - that's pretty awful - but I'm going to be the person who won't let him down." It helps make us feel special, I think - I know I felt that way. I thought I could be the one that made the difference. I hadn't heard the Three C's: "You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it." "It" being the active drinking and alcoholism. The fact is that if support from others could have made the crucial difference in an alcoholic's recovery, there'd be no alcoholics left in the world. Because we supportive partners have tried it all. But if he's not going to drink, he's not going to drink, and if he is, he is. Nothing we do or don't do makes a difference. I'm afraid there is no "being supportive." Trying to coax him into doing the right things (attending AA meetings, avoiding bars, or whatever) doesn't have much effect and alcoholics typically regard it as controlling (which, you know, it kind of is). Then they often blame us when they lapse - "You wouldn't get off my back" or "You weren't supportive in the right way!" Similarly, sticking around when they relapse and behave badly just leads them to believe that they can relapse and behave badly without it having any bad effects - so why stop drinking?
What we often find when we get into it more deeply is that all the people who look "unsupportive" have been through the wringer, being lied to, stolen from, passed out on, and so on. So they are angry and detached and critical and it looks as if they're the problem. But they're just the fallout.
That's my experience from a lot of years with an alcoholic. I hope you'll find a good Al-Anon meeting and take care of yourself.
Hello Mattie,
I love your post. And you are so on POINT on the "Other people in this alcoholic's life have let him down - that's pretty awful - but I'm going to be the person who won't let him down." That was me! What I find funny is that my ex actually did say I was controlling, by asking him questions (have you met with your sponsor, how was your meeting, are you going to a meeting?). I never meant it as controlling, when I asked about the meetings. I was genuinely asking if he had a good one and he felt better. I never asked for details.....he was always willing to talk if he wanted to share. I never pushed it. When of our downfalls is that I actually did stop asking.....about everything. That was the beginning of me pulling away.
I hear what you are saying. I don't expect to save him. However, I do believe a positive support system is vital. We can make a difference in certain (albeit limited) ways. People that believe in him when he's in moments of doubt. Loved ones that visit him while he's in recovery and offer to attend meetings with him. A consistent reminder that with sobriety comes happiness and success and positive relationships. No one should have to go through it alone.
I've never had to coax him into anything. I've made suggestions and asked him if he thinks he'd benefit from a recovery program etc. I told him I'd take him to detox when he was ready. He chose to go. He chose to go into recovery. He's choosing to go into sober living next. It's all him. I've been by his side praising his good decisions and encouraging him to keep making positive choices. Ultimately, the choices are his. Never forced on my part. I believe it's been helpful for him.
The easiest definition I heard early on about supporting vs. enabling was we help with no expectations and no agenda. If we have an agenda beyond being of service and/or an expectation of the outcome, we may need to step back a minute. Enabling has always been explained to me as doing for another what they can/should/could do for themselves.
We each come with a completely different set of experiences and circumstances. No two of us are the same and no two alcoholics are the same. Many alcoholics relapse and repeat treatment and many do not. It's an individual journey for each of us and we get to select the best set of tools to get us to another day. I am one who celebrated 29 years of sobriety last weekend and consider myself a miracle, one day at a time. Miracles happen often/always - I've seen them all around me.
I do agree with pinkchip - keeping your expectations low will help you manage your emotions when there are issues. Even if he never ever uses again, early sobriety is very painful, difficult and frightening for everyone. One day at a time was such a gift for me - first when I got sober and then also when I came to Al-Anon to solve may insanity/chaos caused by the drinking of others I love.
Keep coming back - you are not alone! My all-time favorite Al-Anon books are "How Al-Anon Works" and "Courage to Change". The second is a daily reader and it gives a concept, thought, idea, principle each day and that helps me stay present and gives me something to consider during my day. It also has a great index in the back, so if I am struggling with anger or fear or ???, I can look back there and get readings specific to the topic I need to 'hear' on...