We are know it, we've all said it and we've all probably done this to the best of our ability -
Let It Begin With Me. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help - let the hand of Al-Anonand Alateen always be there, and Let It Begin With Me.
I made plans last week with my active son for tonight. He was to have a day off and we were going to dine, shop, etc. I was working to stay present and not get too excited - it's been a while since I saw him last. Anyways, he texted this morning that he had been scheduled to work but was going to work on getting off - he wanted the day off and wanted to keep our plans. I told him to just keep me posted.
Late morning, I got a text from a fellowship friend. She asked if we could speak this evening as she was in need. I told her I was available this afternoon, but not this evening. She had a dental appointment and physical therapy so could not talk this afternoon. I offered to put her in touch with another program friend that I thought would be a good match (they know each other) as I had plans.
Apparently, I upset her as I then got a text that said, "I have to say this. I was only asking for 15/30 minutes so u must have been EXTREMELY busy. I have other numbers to call. And I won't be checking in w u. I know since it bothered me it's my problem. I have several people I am comfortable calling and also have made appointment w my therapist for tomorrow."
I opted to not take it personally and just responded that I was sorry - I had these plans first and had not seen my son for more than 2 months...
In all my years of recovery, this is a first that someone has gotten upset with me that I had other plans.....Any ESH would be helpful as I will see her this week at our meeting and sure don't want this to become 'something'...Thanks!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 10th of October 2016 08:06:56 PM
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 10th of October 2016 08:07:27 PM
hotrod said
Oct 10, 2016
Hi IAH It is hard to understand why anyone reacts as they do. It certainly sounds as if your handled the request with kindness and understanding. I always felt that the "Declaration" included holding face to face meetings so that members could connect. That being available for telephone calls was a plus and an individual choice depending on personal availability.
In reading her comments it sounded to me as if she was not only upset over the fact that you could not give her the time she asked for but that you might have thought she had no one else to contact and so you gave her names of other members.
I hear her validating the fact that she has other members to call,and did not need that help.
I do not see that you have done anything that requires an amend . If the subject comes up when you see her you can say, as I do, sorry we could not talk last week-- I am free most mornings until 12 N if you need to talk at those times I am available.
Jerry F said
Oct 10, 2016
I am also with Betty on this and first heard my former sponsor Don T tell me a while back "Remember where we came from to get here and who was here when we got here" or something to that nature. He was relating that we all came from sickness and should always carry compassion and understanding. Mahalo Don, hope the angels are learning well. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Oct 11, 2016
I'm still not good with this type of childish behaviour and I'm guilty of childish behaviour myse
el-cee said
Oct 11, 2016
Oops. It's the whole I want my own way now and I'm extra specially in need of course. Poor me. Ach I can't stand the me me me at times. I was also triggered by a woman in program with the poor mes recently. It's a gift from hp to get you working it. Forgive her don't people please her. Let her go give her a hug tell her your this thinking of her. Prat she gets a little humility and less ego. X
el-cee said
Oct 11, 2016
More importantly how did it go with youregards son?
e_i_m said
Oct 11, 2016
Hi IAH, I remember you posted here once on the topic of gossip and saying that your children wanted to make sure that you wouldn't share their lives with strangers. At first, you said you didn't understand that but then you came to understand that they could tell their own story and you needed to focus on yourself. Posting someone else's message to you here seems to fit into that same topic. How would you feel/respond if someone on this discussion board posted an email or text message you had sent out?
I have learned in al-anon that when someone else's behavior upsets me, or when I take something so personally (when I know since coming to al-anon that someone else's upset really has nothing to do with me) I need to look at myself and see what issue of mine it is igniting. Were you yourself feeling upset that your son might have had other plans when you were looking forward to seeing him? Were you identifying with this woman who expressed anger and hurt when what she wanted to happen (her speaking with you) didn't happen, since what you wanted to happen (speaking with your son) might not happen?
I often have a reaction to strangers/acquaintances that is out of proportion to whatever they said or did (like at the grocery store) and I take that as an opportunity (a) to look within and figure out what it's bringing up with me and (b) to detach with love towards the person who is igniting this feeling in me. Do I always succeed? No, of course not. But that's what I would do in this situation.
Iamhere said
Oct 11, 2016
Thanks all for the shares.....e i m - my intent in posting was so others could 'see' it as it came in - not to share about anothers' story/pain. Not to mention, nobody here knows me nor do they know her. My apologies if you assumed I intended anything other than feedback....not the way I roll.
Betty, Jerry and El-Cee - thanks for your ESH. It rubbed me wrong more because I felt I let one down than because of how she responded. She's actually very, very nice and was clearly in crisis. I am in a better place as I gave it to HP as I did my 10th Step last night - I always have to remember that we are here because we are not all there!
El-Cee - thanks for asking about my boy. It went reasonably well. He's working a ton of hours and is not real happy about that. I just listened and tried to refrain from commenting. We did not argue, we actually went out to eat, ran a couple errands, stopped by my home so he could see the dog and his dad. Of course, they decided to discuss the presidential debate and I sat between them watching like it were a tennis match. However, while they disagreed about many things, there was no excessive drama. So - it was good overall. I was grateful for all that I could see that was good and remain hopeful that while his choices and approach to living are way different than I would want for him, he's in good hands.
(((Hugs))) to all!
2HP said
Oct 11, 2016
Most of us are walking around the planet trying to get our (real or imagined) needs met. When we hit a "boundary"........
grrrrr $%#@!!!
People don't like my boundaries sometimes. This riddle always helped me: "What happens when a people pleaser STOPS pleasing people?
People are not pleased.
The question is, can I live in a world in which people are not pleased with me???
Having had a very similar experience, I had to evaluate the Al-Anon Declaration in this way, if I'm going to end up with a resentment after sacrificing myself, I can't help you because my first responsibility is to me and my serenity. The welcome mat is out, but that doesn't mean you can walk all over me.
You modeled a wonderful tool of recovery and self-care for her, whether she appreciates that today or not, lol
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 09:10:17 AM
el-cee said
Oct 11, 2016
Hey glad it went well with your son.
I dont think you could call this gossip. Anonymity was protected, no names given. I like the idea were all here cos were not all there. Sums it up for me, were working a program and trying, were never going to be perfect. To me bringing up the whole you said this..... kind of convo can take me right back. My ex used to do this. I seem to remember you said ....and now your saying.... god its so mean. Im living i this day at this moment trying my best with what i have in this day. He used to keep a log of all my past misdemeanour and bring them to beat me down with, get me justifyj g myself. Thkse days are gone for me. So grateful.x
Iamhere said
Oct 11, 2016
Hey El-Cee - I have to admit....I was the 'fault-keeper' around here. Anytime there was a rule infraction or some other 'offense' against me, I wrote about it. My journal before recovery was a hit list of blame/shame - not my own!
To close this thread out on a positive note, I did get another text from this gal whom I am proud to call my friend. She apologized and suggested she forgot momentarily that the world did not revolve around her. I did smile when I read her reply as I totally understand being in crisis and forgetting momentarily that we have many tools to help us. We will be just fine - I know that about the program and those I choose to include in my circle.
As a very smart person once said to me, "It's a good thing we are all not crazy at the same time!"
Thanks to all for allowing me to process this outloud/here. When I am baffled, it is so helpful to hear insight/experience from others. I am often unsure if I am even receiving things right and sanity checks are game-changing for me - has kept me from reacting many times...
We are know it, we've all said it and we've all probably done this to the best of our ability -
Let It Begin With Me.
When anyone, anywhere,
reaches out for help - let the hand of
Al-Anonand Alateen always be there, and
Let It Begin With Me.
I made plans last week with my active son for tonight. He was to have a day off and we were going to dine, shop, etc. I was working to stay present and not get too excited - it's been a while since I saw him last. Anyways, he texted this morning that he had been scheduled to work but was going to work on getting off - he wanted the day off and wanted to keep our plans. I told him to just keep me posted.
Late morning, I got a text from a fellowship friend. She asked if we could speak this evening as she was in need. I told her I was available this afternoon, but not this evening. She had a dental appointment and physical therapy so could not talk this afternoon. I offered to put her in touch with another program friend that I thought would be a good match (they know each other) as I had plans.
Apparently, I upset her as I then got a text that said, "I have to say this. I was only asking for 15/30 minutes so u must have been EXTREMELY busy. I have other numbers to call. And I won't be checking in w u. I know since it bothered me it's my problem. I have several people I am comfortable calling and also have made appointment w my therapist for tomorrow."
I opted to not take it personally and just responded that I was sorry - I had these plans first and had not seen my son for more than 2 months...
In all my years of recovery, this is a first that someone has gotten upset with me that I had other plans.....Any ESH would be helpful as I will see her this week at our meeting and sure don't want this to become 'something'...Thanks!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 10th of October 2016 08:06:56 PM
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 10th of October 2016 08:07:27 PM
Hi IAH It is hard to understand why anyone reacts as they do. It certainly sounds as if your handled the request with kindness and understanding. I always felt that the "Declaration" included holding face to face meetings so that members could connect. That being available for telephone calls was a plus and an individual choice depending on personal availability.
In reading her comments it sounded to me as if she was not only upset over the fact that you could not give her the time she asked for but that you might have thought she had no one else to contact and so you gave her names of other members.
I hear her validating the fact that she has other members to call,and did not need that help.
I do not see that you have done anything that requires an amend . If the subject comes up when you see her you can say, as I do, sorry we could not talk last week-- I am free most mornings until 12 N if you need to talk at those times I am available.
I am also with Betty on this and first heard my former sponsor Don T tell me a while back "Remember where we came from to get here and who was here when we got here" or something to that nature. He was relating that we all came from sickness and should always carry compassion and understanding. Mahalo Don, hope the angels are learning well. ((((hugs))))
I have learned in al-anon that when someone else's behavior upsets me, or when I take something so personally (when I know since coming to al-anon that someone else's upset really has nothing to do with me) I need to look at myself and see what issue of mine it is igniting. Were you yourself feeling upset that your son might have had other plans when you were looking forward to seeing him? Were you identifying with this woman who expressed anger and hurt when what she wanted to happen (her speaking with you) didn't happen, since what you wanted to happen (speaking with your son) might not happen?
I often have a reaction to strangers/acquaintances that is out of proportion to whatever they said or did (like at the grocery store) and I take that as an opportunity (a) to look within and figure out what it's bringing up with me and (b) to detach with love towards the person who is igniting this feeling in me. Do I always succeed? No, of course not. But that's what I would do in this situation.
Betty, Jerry and El-Cee - thanks for your ESH. It rubbed me wrong more because I felt I let one down than because of how she responded. She's actually very, very nice and was clearly in crisis. I am in a better place as I gave it to HP as I did my 10th Step last night - I always have to remember that we are here because we are not all there!
El-Cee - thanks for asking about my boy. It went reasonably well. He's working a ton of hours and is not real happy about that. I just listened and tried to refrain from commenting. We did not argue, we actually went out to eat, ran a couple errands, stopped by my home so he could see the dog and his dad. Of course, they decided to discuss the presidential debate and I sat between them watching like it were a tennis match. However, while they disagreed about many things, there was no excessive drama. So - it was good overall. I was grateful for all that I could see that was good and remain hopeful that while his choices and approach to living are way different than I would want for him, he's in good hands.
(((Hugs))) to all!
Most of us are walking around the planet trying to get our (real or imagined) needs met. When we hit a "boundary"........
grrrrr $%#@!!!
People don't like my boundaries sometimes. This riddle always helped me: "What happens when a people pleaser STOPS pleasing people?
People are not pleased.
The question is, can I live in a world in which people are not pleased with me???
Having had a very similar experience, I had to evaluate the Al-Anon Declaration in this way, if I'm going to end up with a resentment after sacrificing myself, I can't help you because my first responsibility is to me and my serenity. The welcome mat is out, but that doesn't mean you can walk all over me.
You modeled a wonderful tool of recovery and self-care for her, whether she appreciates that today or not, lol
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 11th of October 2016 09:10:17 AM
I dont think you could call this gossip. Anonymity was protected, no names given. I like the idea were all here cos were not all there. Sums it up for me, were working a program and trying, were never going to be perfect. To me bringing up the whole you said this..... kind of convo can take me right back. My ex used to do this. I seem to remember you said ....and now your saying.... god its so mean. Im living i this day at this moment trying my best with what i have in this day. He used to keep a log of all my past misdemeanour and bring them to beat me down with, get me justifyj g myself. Thkse days are gone for me. So grateful.x
To close this thread out on a positive note, I did get another text from this gal whom I am proud to call my friend. She apologized and suggested she forgot momentarily that the world did not revolve around her. I did smile when I read her reply as I totally understand being in crisis and forgetting momentarily that we have many tools to help us. We will be just fine - I know that about the program and those I choose to include in my circle.
As a very smart person once said to me, "It's a good thing we are all not crazy at the same time!"
Thanks to all for allowing me to process this outloud/here. When I am baffled, it is so helpful to hear insight/experience from others. I am often unsure if I am even receiving things right and sanity checks are game-changing for me - has kept me from reacting many times...
(((Hugs)))