My qualifier is gone, I am single and I now can make positive choices for my life. Easier said than done. I'll be darn if I am having a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone. Why not just stay home! It's easier on my budget, no traffic, it's cold, my own brewed coffee is cheaper, it's too late to go for a short road trip, I don't want to go alone, I will feel award at a night club, probably can't hike that far, Zumba is out of the question, I'd be embarrassed to take an art class, and blah, blah, blah on and on excuses. Where do I find the courage for adventure, it's not like I'm expected to climb Everest! Your ESH humorous or other would be appreciated. Courage to change, to step out of my comfort zone..... Linsc
geems said
Oct 9, 2016
Nice try. Our qualifiers aren't the reason we didn't make positive choices. We didn't know how until alanon. We also learned that small steps are the most successful. For example start with a small step like joining a club of interest to you. You are there because you like the topic, meeting others is a secondary perk. It starts you on the road to creating a rich whole life for yourself where going places on your own will become second nature. You'llbe that ok with who you are without a partner! Get to know and like you again. Spend the resources on you. Recovery means reclaiming your authentic self. You have to do the doing though. Pursue you... and then others will.
e_i_m said
Oct 9, 2016
Hi LinSC -- I've been trying to discover what I like and don't like, so I've been trying a bunch of new things. I've scheduled them in advance (classes, workshops) and put them in my calendar to be more apt to do them. I've been doing at least one new thing per week (even though I think in advance of doing a lot more, but by the time I get home from work and a after-work al-anon meeting, I just want to veg out and go to bed). Also have been inviting new people to do things (haven't made any al-anon friends yet, but I ask other frineds who I don't see that much). It's been working for me!
Mirandac said
Oct 9, 2016
They are right, it is still hard. I struggle with the Same thing. I need to heal more and i like my Comfort zone where i feel safe and i am okay. HUGS
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 9th of October 2016 04:08:48 PM
2HP said
Oct 9, 2016
Don't you wish we came with automatic buttons??
....presto change-o!!!
Your post reminds me of how much I wish to change too. Life is a constant series of changes, we're either going forward or backward, never standing still. I'm also reminded of our slogan EASY DOES IT.
I'm not hearing fear, really, for you to be demanding courage of yourself but I could be wrong...? I kinda hear you "should-ing" on yourself...
Don't do that, my friend
I relate to hitting a period of time when I was just ready to MOVE ON with my life, and it included eliminating the things that are painful and simply don't agree with me.
My sponsor suggested that I make a list of things I do that bring me JOY.... because that is the goal of life. It looks like the universe has cleared the space for you to do exactly that and I look forward to hearing more. (((peace)))
hotrod said
Oct 9, 2016
Lin, all the messages that you tell yourself are true-- so I found i had to tell myself different truths such as Life is too short,you deserve to be happy, you get out of life what you put in, take the action let go of the result, and most important trust HP and take the risk
Alanon weekends worked for me. They had recovery meetings in the afternoon and socials, dining an dancing in the evening. I felt connected to everyone. After i broke the ice it became easier to join yoga classes, volunter at the aspca, join the gym etc. The first step is the hardest . You can do this
Iamhere said
Oct 9, 2016
Lin - I truly had to start very small....When I came to Al-Anon, I had 3 self-destructive qualifiers in my home. I really, really felt like a hostage in my home, in my being and I was very isolated. I actually would rarely go out to garden or to walk or any reason as I was so fearful that others new the chaos in my home and I was blanketed in deep shame, embarrassment, regret and more.
My saving grace and my starting point was meetings. It took me a while to speak and even more time to make eye contact. I had experience already in the other side of the program, but still feared meetings, and basically people in general. My second saving grace was softball. I had taken a break from birth through about age 10, but I had 'that'. It was my time away with people who only know me from softball and I rarely/never shared - except when it was safe to do so. My softball family was separate from my recovery family - the two have just this year overlapped a bit.
So - I started with walks around the block. I then decided I could learn to paint (not on canvas but a room). I began to research and learn about home repair and decor. I needed to learn new things beyond the program. Around here, Lowes & Home Depot open @ 6am (not a late/good sleeper) and WalMart is open 24 hours a day. I would go to these at the least people times possible to browse or shop. Slowly, with meetings and small steps like this, I was more comfortable running around during people times.
Baby steps for me slowly at my pace to limit anxiety truly helped. The more I experimented and came to be the more I became a part of. I have always had time to help before/after the meetings, so would pick up or set up which made me feel good. So - I just had to add little things and see how it felt and then pursue that which felt fun or exciting or educational. I will say that golf was the most far-reaching new thing. Had it not been my sponsor, I would have said no. I still prefer softball over golf, but that's because it's comfortable for me. I know I need to have another activity that I can enjoy beyond softball so I'm sticking to it. I doubt I will ever be 'pro' level so it's a social thing for me. I'm quite competitive in softball so doing a sport for fun is new and truly uncomfortable for me.....but I keep trying.
That's where the slogan of progress, not perfection is so very helpful for me. I was one who quit many things if I felt inadequate or uncomfortable before. The gift of life is there are many different things, so this was not a life-limiting style. However, in recovery, I've tried to ease up on that about as it's a pattern that can lead me back to black/white thinking.....so - find small things, do it/them, see how it feels and remember that more will be revealed!!
MissM said
Oct 9, 2016
I've been isolated for ages; back when my qualifier lived with me, the drama was enough socialisation to keep me happy and all I craved was peaceful alone time! Now, I am alone a lot and there has been a big void there for ages and I've had no idea how to fill it.
I can only make myself go and do something if I'm actually going to enjoy it. All of the good intentions in the world won't motivate me to go and do something I don't really enjoy when I'm not obliged to, or not more than once anyway. Fear and laziness always win...
I felt quite helpless for a long time actually, because I don't socialise easily; I don't do "chit chat" particularly well and loneliness turns me into something I don't like very much so, what is there in-between?
It was a big enough deal for me to hand it over to my HP and ask for some big help and it came when I asked. I stumbled onto a group that fits me perfectly and one that I am really happy to attend (mostly because I actually fit in, I think). I'm certain my HP led me there.
It's not a small thing, filling the void that a qualifier leaves behind and one worthy of your HP's help if ever anything was.
Don't beat yourself u for not having found something you like/feel comfortable with yet, because that would be really counter productive. Be kind to you
MidnightOwl said
Oct 10, 2016
LinSC - I can relate, and I'm not sure I've quite found the solution honestly. I try to keep my inner/outer critic in check, and I find that when I shoot down ALL of my ideas to try something new...that outer critic is having a field day. It seems to want to keep me safe and keep my routine....but that ain't working for me anymore ^_^
I find that the smaller steps are better then nothing. So if I'm not energetically/mentally up for a social event..maybe a solo walk in the sun will do. And yes, critic, there will be unknown people and no critic, they won't hurt me (my thoughts before going..heh).
I've been exploring more inner sensory communications as well, so things like yoga, meditation, massage, dance...whatever gets me into my body viscerally. So I find that right now, I'd rather go solo to a warm water pool then out on the town with friends. That may change down the line but for now, it's what I need. I'm reading "the Body Keeps Score" and that's what has prompted it.
It's tough because there are a lot of activities I feel I should do...because society, or friends, or family says they are good...that I just don't enjoy. I'm trying to release the guilt of not enjoying what a vast majority of people seem to. Things like going to clubs, drinking as a activity(eye roll), eating unhealthy/eating out all the time, most sports...yahdah yahdah.
I like to push myself to try new things but also am trying to honor what I def am not into and be OK with that.
lookingup said
Oct 10, 2016
I can relate LInSC ,thanks for sharing your journey with getting out of our comfort zones,wow,I know I'm in my comfort zone after reading all these inspiring esh here,I sit at home,I do go visit ,very few freinds ,my thinking is there is more to life than this ,mostly social gatherings around here other than shopping and eating out,so I'm been doing the walking program everyday with my Yorky that helps a lot ,still feel like I need to add more to my schedule,I have been doing a lot of home projects for the last 3 mths a bit tired of it finishing them up soon,so to keep adding other activities I'll have to take one day at a time and think more on it cause free time I have a lot of since I'm without any qualifiers in my home...thanks LinSK for opening up my mind to other possibilities.....hugs lu
jojo8466 said
Oct 10, 2016
My opinion, for what it's worth, is this - are you content and happy staying at home, keeping your budget in check, avoiding the cold and the traffic and enjoying a nice cup of home-made brewed coffee? If so than do that! I, myself, am a home body so when I read your post about everything that you are doing while you are at home I thought it sounded heavenly. Remember this program is all about doing what brings you happiness and serenity. Now if you truly want to step out of your home and do other things but are struggling with that than by all means get suggestions on how to accomplish that. But don't try to be something you're not just because others are suggesting that you need to get out and do things. Only you know the true you and what makes you happy.
Bethany66 said
Oct 10, 2016
I guess what comes to my mind as I read this thread is "Be gentle with yourself". There is much life to live and YOU get to chose how you will live it. If you want to be out there in the world, maybe a baby step at a time is the best bet. I have found for myself, there are always things to do out there, and if I want to partake I can and if I don't that is okay too. Just don't let fear keep you from doing something you really want to do. That would be my only real suggestion.
Cathyinaz said
Oct 22, 2016
Hi LinSC
I'm in the same boat. I still work but when home...I"M HOME. I never do anything but sit, play on the PC, watch TV or clean the house. My life is an anxiety ridden lonely life right now. I wish I could give you advice but as you can read that's not going to happen.
I will be retiring in a year and then what's going to happen......I don't want to think about it.
Maybe I need to come up there after I retire and we can kick each others butts and get them in gear to "GET A LIFE"
(((( hugs ))))
Calm Lady said
Oct 22, 2016
If I may share, when I was sick, alkie hub and I raced off on holiday all the time. Manically. Chasing our tails. Running here and the, living out of suitcases. Home briefly then off again. At first, we went abroad but that was too tricky to fit the drinking in with!! So we stopped and opted to stay in Britain to accommodate the drinking.
When at home, we went out lots. Usually very early in the morning, home by booze o'clock.
Well one of the first things I did when I got sober was to put my foot down. Stop the racing about. AH still wanted to race about.
I am a home body. I LOVE being at home. Love love love it. It fills my heart. So being at home, alongside working my Al-anon program is perfect for me. I go out locally for couple hours each morning, then happily come home.i wouldn't want it any other way.
AH now loves it at home too. Plus is more convenient for his drinking habits.
I don't feel isolated, I love it. I am an introvert, I don't mind people for a short while but that is enough. I like Al-anon because they don't all talk at once. My other group do and it does !y head in.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 01:22:11 PM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 01:23:36 PM
My qualifier is gone, I am single and I now can make positive choices for my life. Easier said than done. I'll be darn if I am having a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone. Why not just stay home! It's easier on my budget, no traffic, it's cold, my own brewed coffee is cheaper, it's too late to go for a short road trip, I don't want to go alone, I will feel award at a night club, probably can't hike that far, Zumba is out of the question, I'd be embarrassed to take an art class, and blah, blah, blah on and on excuses. Where do I find the courage for adventure, it's not like I'm expected to climb Everest! Your ESH humorous or other would be appreciated. Courage to change, to step out of my comfort zone..... Linsc
They are right, it is still hard. I struggle with the
Same thing. I need to heal more and i like my
Comfort zone where i feel safe and i am okay.
HUGS
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 9th of October 2016 04:08:48 PM
....presto change-o!!!
Your post reminds me of how much I wish to change too. Life is a constant series of changes, we're either going forward or backward, never standing still. I'm also reminded of our slogan EASY DOES IT.
I'm not hearing fear, really, for you to be demanding courage of yourself but I could be wrong...? I kinda hear you "should-ing" on yourself...
Don't do that, my friend
I relate to hitting a period of time when I was just ready to MOVE ON with my life, and it included eliminating the things that are painful and simply don't agree with me.
My sponsor suggested that I make a list of things I do that bring me JOY.... because that is the goal of life. It looks like the universe has cleared the space for you to do exactly that and I look forward to hearing more. (((peace)))
Lin, all the messages that you tell yourself are true-- so I found i had to tell myself different truths such as Life is too short,you deserve to be happy, you get out of life what you put in, take the action let go of the result, and most important trust HP and take the risk
Alanon weekends worked for me. They had recovery meetings in the afternoon and socials, dining an dancing in the evening. I felt connected to everyone. After i broke the ice it became easier to join yoga classes, volunter at the aspca, join the gym etc.
The first step is the hardest . You can do this
My saving grace and my starting point was meetings. It took me a while to speak and even more time to make eye contact. I had experience already in the other side of the program, but still feared meetings, and basically people in general. My second saving grace was softball. I had taken a break from birth through about age 10, but I had 'that'. It was my time away with people who only know me from softball and I rarely/never shared - except when it was safe to do so. My softball family was separate from my recovery family - the two have just this year overlapped a bit.
So - I started with walks around the block. I then decided I could learn to paint (not on canvas but a room). I began to research and learn about home repair and decor. I needed to learn new things beyond the program. Around here, Lowes & Home Depot open @ 6am (not a late/good sleeper) and WalMart is open 24 hours a day. I would go to these at the least people times possible to browse or shop. Slowly, with meetings and small steps like this, I was more comfortable running around during people times.
Baby steps for me slowly at my pace to limit anxiety truly helped. The more I experimented and came to be the more I became a part of. I have always had time to help before/after the meetings, so would pick up or set up which made me feel good. So - I just had to add little things and see how it felt and then pursue that which felt fun or exciting or educational. I will say that golf was the most far-reaching new thing. Had it not been my sponsor, I would have said no. I still prefer softball over golf, but that's because it's comfortable for me. I know I need to have another activity that I can enjoy beyond softball so I'm sticking to it. I doubt I will ever be 'pro' level so it's a social thing for me. I'm quite competitive in softball so doing a sport for fun is new and truly uncomfortable for me.....but I keep trying.
That's where the slogan of progress, not perfection is so very helpful for me. I was one who quit many things if I felt inadequate or uncomfortable before. The gift of life is there are many different things, so this was not a life-limiting style. However, in recovery, I've tried to ease up on that about as it's a pattern that can lead me back to black/white thinking.....so - find small things, do it/them, see how it feels and remember that more will be revealed!!
I can only make myself go and do something if I'm actually going to enjoy it. All of the good intentions in the world won't motivate me to go and do something I don't really enjoy when I'm not obliged to, or not more than once anyway. Fear and laziness always win...
I felt quite helpless for a long time actually, because I don't socialise easily; I don't do "chit chat" particularly well and loneliness turns me into something I don't like very much so, what is there in-between?
It was a big enough deal for me to hand it over to my HP and ask for some big help and it came when I asked. I stumbled onto a group that fits me perfectly and one that I am really happy to attend (mostly because I actually fit in, I think). I'm certain my HP led me there.
It's not a small thing, filling the void that a qualifier leaves behind and one worthy of your HP's help if ever anything was.
Don't beat yourself u for not having found something you like/feel comfortable with yet, because that would be really counter productive. Be kind to you
I find that the smaller steps are better then nothing. So if I'm not energetically/mentally up for a social event..maybe a solo walk in the sun will do. And yes, critic, there will be unknown people and no critic, they won't hurt me (my thoughts before going..heh).
I've been exploring more inner sensory communications as well, so things like yoga, meditation, massage, dance...whatever gets me into my body viscerally. So I find that right now, I'd rather go solo to a warm water pool then out on the town with friends. That may change down the line but for now, it's what I need. I'm reading "the Body Keeps Score" and that's what has prompted it.
It's tough because there are a lot of activities I feel I should do...because society, or friends, or family says they are good...that I just don't enjoy. I'm trying to release the guilt of not enjoying what a vast majority of people seem to. Things like going to clubs, drinking as a activity(eye roll), eating unhealthy/eating out all the time, most sports...yahdah yahdah.
I like to push myself to try new things but also am trying to honor what I def am not into and be OK with that.
I'm in the same boat. I still work but when home...I"M HOME. I never do anything but sit, play on the PC, watch TV or clean the house. My life is an anxiety ridden lonely life right now. I wish I could give you advice but as you can read that's not going to happen.
I will be retiring in a year and then what's going to happen......I don't want to think about it.
Maybe I need to come up there after I retire and we can kick each others butts and get them in gear to "GET A LIFE"
(((( hugs ))))
If I may share, when I was sick, alkie hub and I raced off on holiday all the time. Manically. Chasing our tails. Running here and the, living out of suitcases. Home briefly then off again. At first, we went abroad but that was too tricky to fit the drinking in with!! So we stopped and opted to stay in Britain to accommodate the drinking.
When at home, we went out lots. Usually very early in the morning, home by booze o'clock.
Well one of the first things I did when I got sober was to put my foot down. Stop the racing about. AH still wanted to race about.
I am a home body. I LOVE being at home. Love love love it. It fills my heart. So being at home, alongside working my Al-anon program is perfect for me. I go out locally for couple hours each morning, then happily come home.i wouldn't want it any other way.
AH now loves it at home too. Plus is more convenient for his drinking habits.
I don't feel isolated, I love it. I am an introvert, I don't mind people for a short while but that is enough. I like Al-anon because they don't all talk at once. My other group do and it does !y head in.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 01:22:11 PM
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Saturday 22nd of October 2016 01:23:36 PM