Jeepers this disease has taken its toll. I am finding it incredibly difficult to find compassion or tolerance for the willfully ill. The loved one in question is so sick! So martyred and controlling and just bloody crazy. I don't know if recognising this is because they've gotten sicker or I've gotten healthier, suppose it doesn't matter but it really raises a feeling of sickness within me. The notion of helping can get so misconstrued when its a convoluted power trip. Control disguised as help because of unresolved powerlessness is as baffling and cunning and damaging as alcoholism itself! I desperately need to detach and practice detachment without enabling or savaging. I just want to weed it out where ever I hear it. I suppose the three c's apply here as well. I've decided to swap out my meetings as well, for steps only ones. I don't feel I have much to offer the newcomer right now. I just see my family in every stranger with control,victim,martyr issues. Not not good. Pray for me, I may be quiet for a while, and just stick to listening and the readings. It works when we work it, so I'm off to eat my own advice for a bit
Iamhere said
Oct 9, 2016
Sending you healing thoughts and prayers. I can understand and relate to your post. It is frustrating at times that something in me shifts, and situations/people that I've worked to accept as they are are now able to affect my serenity. Your plan sounds solid - it's kind of a back to basics strategy and whenever I find myself troubled, my best course of action is back to 1 - powerlessness....
Come back soon!! (((Hugs)))
a4l said
Oct 9, 2016
Thanks Aerin. Not frustrated so much as utterly repulsed. Alcoholic has a reason. Easily reviled. The codependent super helper, super martyr is just toxic. And is often lauded. I really want to learn about healthy emotional processing. I read something here that hit me hard about kids and I guess while I may be powerless over others, I'm not powerless over repeating the pattern. So I need to learn. Not the hard way I hope!
hotrod said
Oct 9, 2016
((A41))) you are working your program very hard and are not handling problems as you did prior to program . You can now see how destructive the negative coping tools can be and are interacting with others and your children with different tools . You have principles that you are living by and they are helping to form you children's attitudes as well as change yours.
You are fine. Your ESH is always valuable.
Progress not perfection is our goal
2HP said
Oct 9, 2016
I love the honesty of your post. Until I got honest, I got nowhere. Honest about ME and how my mind was so full of wounds and emotional poison. I knew I was powerless over his drinking... but finally putting myself under the microscope... and shining the light on ME ... I saw me. I saw how sick I had become.
It doesn't FEEL good, but it's right where we're supposed to be, swimming in the awareness. Sometimes it seems like it's getting WORSE and not better.... but in my experience, this is just how it works. When it's uncomfortable, I was told "it's working," and just a phase. Unmanageability brings "opportunity," in my experience....
so give yourself permission to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to know what you know. Give yourself permission to step off the cycle. Admission of defeat brings victory....
You are powerless over others. But you do have power to take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
Prayers are coming your way (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 9th of October 2016 06:29:42 PM
KT2015 said
Oct 10, 2016
Hey there,
I can relate to your post. I reached a point where I got healthier and felt like I could see things more clearly and I was frustrated and impatient with others in my life who didn't see things the same way. Suddenly my mother (who is exactly like the untreated alanon ME) got under my skin with all the stuff she did and I couldn't stand it. I also went through a stage where I couldn't handle the new comers at face to face meetings. I guess I was just too close to being out of that mindset. I also really didn't have much compassion for myself and how I had behaved and all the negative things I had done and for me I think that was the root of my intolerance for others. As I started to work through the steps with my sponsor I got better and I felt better able to tolerate others who may not be in the same place I was. My sponsor showed me compassion for my previous behaviour and that allowed me to have compassion for myself and then eventually I've started to have compassion for other people. It's been a slow process but I am happy with the results. Be patient with yourself this program takes time and practice.
a4l said
Oct 10, 2016
Oh you all are lovely. Why did i have to be born within a crazy family?Sometimes I just think that people have no idea how damaging alcoholic family systems are, and strongly feel non drinkers ought to take responsibility for their recovery especially when they think they dont need it. Moral highground anyone?lol. But seriously. Its true for me at this time. I've watched codependent helpers destroy innocent lives through a lack of internal honesty and maladapted behaviours, I have a mother who is so far into martyrdom it could actually appear crazy. Perhaps if I'm deeply honest I can't shake the ones who hurt me into sense so when I see people who share the isms of codependency, I want to shatter their delusions. I could say its from a desire to help. But perhaps the truth is closer to a desire to hurt back and to shock back. Compassion for self is not lacking. These days I am number one on my priority list. I'm sure more will be revealed; I thank you all for your loving and gentle feedback.
el-cee said
Oct 11, 2016
Great share and topic for me. I am also prone to intolerance, im getting better but for a while identifying with others and their sickness made me angry, kind of triggered my own disease. I like what kt said about being too close to the pain. I think i was, im getting farther now and i feel much more compassion than i did. Isnt it funny that when we are in the full denial mode, we are martyrs and victims full of resentment, then we get some recovery and see this its disturbing to see it clearly in others. I used to think my sister was so wise and sympathetic and she is but she also doesn't have a program of recovery and i recently read a post here saying that if she knew how to do life differently she probably would. I believe thats true of my sister, she doesnt know what she doesnt know the same way I didnt either.
I think maybe this feeling you have and I have had is part of the process of recovery, its like the discomfort in learning, so it could very well be that you are right where you should be and your growing through this.
Come back soon!! (((Hugs)))
((A41))) you are working your program very hard and are not handling problems as you did prior to program . You can now see how destructive the negative coping tools can be and are interacting with others and your children with different tools . You have principles that you are living by and they are helping to form you children's attitudes as well as change yours.
You are fine. Your ESH is always valuable.
Progress not perfection is our goal
I love the honesty of your post. Until I got honest, I got nowhere. Honest about ME and how my mind was so full of wounds and emotional poison. I knew I was powerless over his drinking... but finally putting myself under the microscope... and shining the light on ME ... I saw me. I saw how sick I had become.
It doesn't FEEL good, but it's right where we're supposed to be, swimming in the awareness. Sometimes it seems like it's getting WORSE and not better.... but in my experience, this is just how it works. When it's uncomfortable, I was told "it's working," and just a phase. Unmanageability brings "opportunity," in my experience....
so give yourself permission to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to know what you know. Give yourself permission to step off the cycle. Admission of defeat brings victory....
You are powerless over others. But you do have power to take care of YOU, whatever that looks like.
Prayers are coming your way (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 9th of October 2016 06:29:42 PM
I can relate to your post. I reached a point where I got healthier and felt like I could see things more clearly and I was frustrated and impatient with others in my life who didn't see things the same way. Suddenly my mother (who is exactly like the untreated alanon ME) got under my skin with all the stuff she did and I couldn't stand it. I also went through a stage where I couldn't handle the new comers at face to face meetings. I guess I was just too close to being out of that mindset. I also really didn't have much compassion for myself and how I had behaved and all the negative things I had done and for me I think that was the root of my intolerance for others. As I started to work through the steps with my sponsor I got better and I felt better able to tolerate others who may not be in the same place I was. My sponsor showed me compassion for my previous behaviour and that allowed me to have compassion for myself and then eventually I've started to have compassion for other people. It's been a slow process but I am happy with the results. Be patient with yourself this program takes time and practice.
Great share and topic for me. I am also prone to intolerance, im getting better but for a while identifying with others and their sickness made me angry, kind of triggered my own disease. I like what kt said about being too close to the pain. I think i was, im getting farther now and i feel much more compassion than i did. Isnt it funny that when we are in the full denial mode, we are martyrs and victims full of resentment, then we get some recovery and see this its disturbing to see it clearly in others. I used to think my sister was so wise and sympathetic and she is but she also doesn't have a program of recovery and i recently read a post here saying that if she knew how to do life differently she probably would. I believe thats true of my sister, she doesnt know what she doesnt know the same way I didnt either.
I think maybe this feeling you have and I have had is part of the process of recovery, its like the discomfort in learning, so it could very well be that you are right where you should be and your growing through this.