New to al anon-not new to living with an alcoholic
Prissykitty said
Oct 6, 2016
My DH is an alcoholic. he has been "dry" since February (this time around). But even without alcohol I always found his moods erratic and unpredictable. sometimes he'd fall asleep mid sentence some days he'd be running around like crazy. i thought maybe he was bipolar.
well six weeks ago I found out he'd been taking Xanax and Vicodin. not sure how frequently but he'd been hiding them from me for years. At that point I went to al anon. i have found it INCREDIBLY helpful because for years I tried to always put a mirror up in his face like "look! youre well!" Now I have stopped doing that. in the past few weeks I've distanced myself but there's not a lot of tension. he thrives on validation so he is desperately seeking my approval-helping around the house, taking care of our son more often than usual, and I just don't have the energy to get wrapped up in it.
this week he has been all over the place-half asleep tuesday night but acting fine, and since then he's just....antsy and restless. He goes to one as meeting a week but I don't think he's actually "working" on anything.
Has as anyone else noticed these ups and downs in a dry drunk? its exhausting. Thank you!
Iamhere said
Oct 7, 2016
Welcome to MIP PrissyKitty - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I am one who doesn't like to use the term dry drunk - I find many folks without any addictions to have the same characteristics for a variety of reasons....unknown to me. What I do know is that alcoholism/addiction are progressive diseases that are not ever cured, but rather arrested/treated through abstinence and recovery. l also believe it to be a family disease and most who live with or love an alcoholic are also affected by the disease. Our thinking becomes distorted and we adopt reactive behaviors to the disease that may not be as we want to be. They obsess over their drug of choice and we obsess over them.
Keep attending Al-Anon and work to keep the focus on you. Find a sponsor and that will help you with detaching and setting up boundaries that are healthy. There is help and hope in recovery - you are not alone. Keep coming back!
maryjane said
Oct 7, 2016
Prissykitty,
I found in my AH"s stash of AA books a reading from 1962 that describes a "dry drunk". I will just give you a summarizing sentence from the end, that says in the last analysis a dry drunk is mostly a childish tantrum, an interval of immaturity, a regression to those frantic drinking days of self-will run riot...... The reading mentions that a lot of it has to do with circumstances in their lives, for example, life looks much "darker" on Friday when you are tired from the work week, than it does on Sunday night after you have had a couple of good nights sleep.
I also would like to say to you to not think of him as sober if he has been taking Xanax and Vicodin.
Keep on taking care of yourself. Glad you found some AlAnon meetings to go to. That is part of taking care of yourself.
Prissykitty said
Oct 7, 2016
Thank you so much ladies. Maryjane you are absolutely correct. I guess he's been "dry" for six weeks then. He's soon focused on me right now and my reactions to everything he is doing. He's doing chores, getting into therapy (maybe who knows) anything that might make me "validate" him. I started to open up a little about what I'm working on in Al-Anon. Now granted I really just started "getting it" like two weeks ago, but I just can tell inside of myself that I am calmer and more at peace with our marriage and his recovery. But last night he tried to say "Oh yeah, in a week and a half you've done it. What about before?" and "What does Al Anon say about the wife that ignores her husband saying 'you're beautiful'" and "What do you think about all my progress?"
I literally just left the room at these remarks. I found them to be so combative and belittling of the work I know in my heart I am doing. He claims that since he can't see the work I'm not doing anything. In the past I would've gone to battle because he frustrates me, but I know now that I really won't change his mind and that my recovery is my own business just as his recovery is his own business.
Thanks for any thoughts or words of wisdom. I'm glad I found this site.
KennyFenderjazz said
Oct 7, 2016
Hi,
Good work, we don't have to attend every fight we are invited to. And since your recovery isn't his business, you don't have to open up about it to him unless you want to. Sounds like he isn't prepared for it to me, and in general, As are so self-absorbed in early recovery they don't notice anything else around them.
The thing my AW explained to me was what she learned at her second rehab stint. There is a difference between physically sober and emotionally sober. That emotionally sober is equivalent to dry drunk. She learned that well with lots of AA and inpatient work, but it took a while. In the meantime, I found it best to keep to my side of the street. And if I had to talk to her about something, such as the first time I found a box of wine in the house after she came home from rehab, I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it mean.
My DH is an alcoholic. he has been "dry" since February (this time around). But even without alcohol I always found his moods erratic and unpredictable. sometimes he'd fall asleep mid sentence some days he'd be running around like crazy. i thought maybe he was bipolar.
well six weeks ago I found out he'd been taking Xanax and Vicodin. not sure how frequently but he'd been hiding them from me for years. At that point I went to al anon. i have found it INCREDIBLY helpful because for years I tried to always put a mirror up in his face like "look! youre well!" Now I have stopped doing that. in the past few weeks I've distanced myself but there's not a lot of tension. he thrives on validation so he is desperately seeking my approval-helping around the house, taking care of our son more often than usual, and I just don't have the energy to get wrapped up in it.
this week he has been all over the place-half asleep tuesday night but acting fine, and since then he's just....antsy and restless. He goes to one as meeting a week but I don't think he's actually "working" on anything.
Has as anyone else noticed these ups and downs in a dry drunk? its exhausting. Thank you!
Keep attending Al-Anon and work to keep the focus on you. Find a sponsor and that will help you with detaching and setting up boundaries that are healthy. There is help and hope in recovery - you are not alone. Keep coming back!
I found in my AH"s stash of AA books a reading from 1962 that describes a "dry drunk". I will just give you a summarizing sentence from the end, that says in the last analysis a dry drunk is mostly a childish tantrum, an interval of immaturity, a regression to those frantic drinking days of self-will run riot...... The reading mentions that a lot of it has to do with circumstances in their lives, for example, life looks much "darker" on Friday when you are tired from the work week, than it does on Sunday night after you have had a couple of good nights sleep.
I also would like to say to you to not think of him as sober if he has been taking Xanax and Vicodin.
Keep on taking care of yourself. Glad you found some AlAnon meetings to go to. That is part of taking care of yourself.
I literally just left the room at these remarks. I found them to be so combative and belittling of the work I know in my heart I am doing. He claims that since he can't see the work I'm not doing anything. In the past I would've gone to battle because he frustrates me, but I know now that I really won't change his mind and that my recovery is my own business just as his recovery is his own business.
Thanks for any thoughts or words of wisdom. I'm glad I found this site.
Good work, we don't have to attend every fight we are invited to. And since your recovery isn't his business, you don't have to open up about it to him unless you want to. Sounds like he isn't prepared for it to me, and in general, As are so self-absorbed in early recovery they don't notice anything else around them.
The thing my AW explained to me was what she learned at her second rehab stint. There is a difference between physically sober and emotionally sober. That emotionally sober is equivalent to dry drunk. She learned that well with lots of AA and inpatient work, but it took a while. In the meantime, I found it best to keep to my side of the street. And if I had to talk to her about something, such as the first time I found a box of wine in the house after she came home from rehab, I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't say it mean.
Kenny