Hi everyone - I am new here, and in great need of advice. I have been married 22 years. Husband had DUI 3 years into our marriage and lost license for two years. He did well for a number of years after that, but then I started finding little bottles around, and could easily see he was drinking but he frequently denied it. Last year, he was in hospital in intensive care, diagnosed with cirrhosis. He made great recovery and was absolutely sober for a year. On Monday, he told me he got another dui a few weeks ago while I was away on business. I have not spoken to him for the past 4 days and have been staying in a hotel. I am probably still numb, but as it gradually sinks in I am so hurt and angry with him. Was being so close to death last year not a wake up call? And with his condition he should not drink at all. His court appearance is this afternoon, and he will lose his license for at least 2 years.
I have not told anyone, and strangely feel so ashamed. I will see my dad this weekend and dread telling him, but I need some family support. Why am I so scared to tell him?
I plan to go home tomorrow but want my husband to leave. I can't go through all of the anger I felt last time we went through this, and I need space to absorb all of this. I am fortunate to have a good job and can support him staying somewhere else.
This has been quite a blow, and I am overwhelmed with so many emotions.
THANK YOU for listening and any advice.
geems said
Oct 6, 2016
Welcome to alanon chefpilsy. You've come to the right place. Have you been to alanon meetings? They are a great place to start. We have them twice a day @ 9 here. Join us tonight @ the meeting. You'll find more than one of us has been where you are or similar. Take care of yourself chefpilsy.
chefpilsy said
Oct 6, 2016
Thank you geems
Freetime said
Oct 6, 2016
Chefpilsy, I understand how you feel. I have been in a similar situation. About feeling ashamed -- please remember that you did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure someonen else's drinking. When sharing with your dad, keep in mind that not everyone understands that alcoholism is a disease, and try not to take personally whatever his response may be. You are setting boundaries, and that is something you can be proud of. Just take it one day at a time.
Jerry F said
Oct 6, 2016
Aloha ChefPilsy welcome home. Alcoholism sure isn't a moral issue and a major fatal disease that affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions often times all of these all at the same time. The major consequence of this disease which is "our" disease is insanity the inability to maintain a constant and orderly process of thought...UGH!! I've been there and done that and was certifiable at one time before finding the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups. It didn't take me one time to get in and get it...I took two trips at the program and then with help and new experiences decided to sit and stay and follow what I was being led with. I've been in Al-Anon a long time now and I still attend so that I can maintain my sanity and...also be around to help others just finding the program. This program will save minds and lives from my own experiences.
MIP...Miracles in Progress is populated by those whose life has been saved in the program and who come here to seek more help as necessary and give as much as they can back. Glad to have you here and hope you keep coming back.
Additionally many of us are also "doubles" or members of both programs; AA and Al-Anon and who have wide experiences. We are a fellowship that cares and loves each other as family...stick around and join us. (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Oct 6, 2016
I too send welcomes to you ChefPilsy - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry for what brings you here - you are not alone. I too would suggest finding local meetings. Having local support saved my soul and my sanity.
My best suggestion is to get involved in your own recovery. Many of the feelings you are having are directly caused by the disease and how it distorts our views and our thinking. I did not realize how crazy I had become until I started going to meetings and looking at me.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery and you are not alone!
hiraeth said
Oct 6, 2016
((huge hugs))
I'm sending lots of love to you and your husband. I know how you feel when you wonder why his previous DUI and cirrhosis weren't enough to keep him sober. My heart has been broken a thousand times by thinking along those lines - it didn't matter how high the stakes were or how clear it was made to my qualifier, she drank again. Even when it meant going to jail, losing her children, losing hundreds of thousands of dollars, losing her life. She drank again. It seemed for a long time like she didn't love anyone, like drinking was all that mattered. But alcoholism is not logical like that - if it were, no one would be an alcoholic or a drug addict. It's cunning, baffling and powerful. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or cherish you, or his own life. A madness takes over them. It's tragic.
You've been through so much, and you deserve a life of love and peace. I'm glad you're following your heart, please be kind to yourself.
MidnightOwl said
Oct 7, 2016
Chef - I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, and unfortunately I understand it very well. I often wonder what it will take for my AH to 'wake up' but I also remind myself to let go of that which I can't control. Maybe he'll never reach that point, who knows?
My AH had a DUI prior to us dating and in someways, I'm glad it occurred before. It's a clear reminder that his drinking has nothing to do with me in the slightest.
I recently set a boundary with him that I will not be staying through another DUI. I don't know how seriously he'll take it but I know how seriously I do :) With that boundary stated and in mind/heart, it takes some of my fear away. If he chooses to drink and drive, that's his choice. My choice is and will be to remove myself from the situation. I'm not saying this is what others need to do but just sharing what has brought me a little peace.
It is a blow though, I hope you're able to take care of you <3
chefpilsy said
Oct 7, 2016
Thank you all for such a warm welcome and support.
Hi everyone - I am new here, and in great need of advice. I have been married 22 years. Husband had DUI 3 years into our marriage and lost license for two years. He did well for a number of years after that, but then I started finding little bottles around, and could easily see he was drinking but he frequently denied it. Last year, he was in hospital in intensive care, diagnosed with cirrhosis. He made great recovery and was absolutely sober for a year. On Monday, he told me he got another dui a few weeks ago while I was away on business. I have not spoken to him for the past 4 days and have been staying in a hotel. I am probably still numb, but as it gradually sinks in I am so hurt and angry with him. Was being so close to death last year not a wake up call? And with his condition he should not drink at all. His court appearance is this afternoon, and he will lose his license for at least 2 years.
I have not told anyone, and strangely feel so ashamed. I will see my dad this weekend and dread telling him, but I need some family support. Why am I so scared to tell him?
I plan to go home tomorrow but want my husband to leave. I can't go through all of the anger I felt last time we went through this, and I need space to absorb all of this. I am fortunate to have a good job and can support him staying somewhere else.
This has been quite a blow, and I am overwhelmed with so many emotions.
THANK YOU for listening and any advice.
Aloha ChefPilsy welcome home. Alcoholism sure isn't a moral issue and a major fatal disease that affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions often times all of these all at the same time. The major consequence of this disease which is "our" disease is insanity the inability to maintain a constant and orderly process of thought...UGH!! I've been there and done that and was certifiable at one time before finding the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups. It didn't take me one time to get in and get it...I took two trips at the program and then with help and new experiences decided to sit and stay and follow what I was being led with. I've been in Al-Anon a long time now and I still attend so that I can maintain my sanity and...also be around to help others just finding the program. This program will save minds and lives from my own experiences.
MIP...Miracles in Progress is populated by those whose life has been saved in the program and who come here to seek more help as necessary and give as much as they can back. Glad to have you here and hope you keep coming back.
Additionally many of us are also "doubles" or members of both programs; AA and Al-Anon and who have wide experiences. We are a fellowship that cares and loves each other as family...stick around and join us. (((((hugs)))))
My best suggestion is to get involved in your own recovery. Many of the feelings you are having are directly caused by the disease and how it distorts our views and our thinking. I did not realize how crazy I had become until I started going to meetings and looking at me.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery and you are not alone!
I'm sending lots of love to you and your husband. I know how you feel when you wonder why his previous DUI and cirrhosis weren't enough to keep him sober. My heart has been broken a thousand times by thinking along those lines - it didn't matter how high the stakes were or how clear it was made to my qualifier, she drank again. Even when it meant going to jail, losing her children, losing hundreds of thousands of dollars, losing her life. She drank again. It seemed for a long time like she didn't love anyone, like drinking was all that mattered. But alcoholism is not logical like that - if it were, no one would be an alcoholic or a drug addict. It's cunning, baffling and powerful. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or cherish you, or his own life. A madness takes over them. It's tragic.
You've been through so much, and you deserve a life of love and peace. I'm glad you're following your heart, please be kind to yourself.
My AH had a DUI prior to us dating and in someways, I'm glad it occurred before. It's a clear reminder that his drinking has nothing to do with me in the slightest.
I recently set a boundary with him that I will not be staying through another DUI. I don't know how seriously he'll take it but I know how seriously I do :) With that boundary stated and in mind/heart, it takes some of my fear away. If he chooses to drink and drive, that's his choice. My choice is and will be to remove myself from the situation. I'm not saying this is what others need to do but just sharing what has brought me a little peace.
It is a blow though, I hope you're able to take care of you <3