There goes my 83 year old mom again. As I've said in my other posts I try not to bother myself with my husband's whereabouts trusting that the truth will be revealed as to where he goes everyday. I think it will show sooner or later. He doesn't go out at night but he would always leave after lunch and comes back at least to close store (we have a small business). When my husband left today, as usual after lunch, my mom asked me: "so where is your Boss going, did he tell you where?" I didn't answer the question but I answered with "I don't have a Boss, who are you referring to?" Anyway, the question or the answer is not really the matter, but I felt so ridiculed by my mom's question. I felt she's provoking me to do something so I'll know what my husband is up to. I don't know her intention for asking that, I felt she's so insensitive or was she perhaps wanting to get rid of my husband. I earlier her told her (in one episode of my husband's bad behavior) that if he drinks again, I'm opting to separate than to live with his drinking again. It's as if my mom can't wait for the future event, as if she wants to find out soonest if my husband is drinking at a different time. She's making me so anxious, I feel like spying on my husband to get it over with. The "not knowing" is making me sick. I know I have to trust God, I have been preparing myself to accept whatever will happen, but I'm struggling with the feeling of wanting to know what my husband is up to.
hotrod said
Oct 6, 2016
(((jocelgp)) Please stay in you own hula hoop, trust HP and know that your mom is not in program and does not have the tools that you are developing.
There is a reading in he C2C that states "stop worrying about the future, what you need to know will come to you without any effort on your part". I found this to be so true - I simply need to keep an open mind, keep the focus on myself and more will be revealed.
If you have an alanon book like the C2 C she might benefit from it and then you can discuss the principles together.
Positive thoughts on the way
Iamhere said
Oct 6, 2016
(((Jocel))) - agree with Betty.....as I try to apply these principles in all my affairs, I have to realize I am powerless over ALL people, places and things. I've learned that with my mother and her lacking filter, sometimes it's best to just say nothing. If she pursues or persists, I have no issues suggesting if she's in the need to know category, she can certainly ask for herself.
Working this program has given me the ability to respond instead of react. As I get better at being my true self, I notice that others are being retrained on how to treat me. Just keep that focus on you and trust the program and HP - you are doing fine where you are today!
jocelgp said
Oct 6, 2016
Thanks Betty & Iamhere for reminding me and reinforcing to stay in my own hula hoop and trust God. I have actually discussed with my mom some alanon principles but I guess as the saying goes "it's hard to teach old dogs new tricks". At the moment we're talking she seems to understand but I guess old habits are hard to break. It's her nature, she doesn't have any intention but her remarks are sometimes sarcastic and somewhat a ridicule. Her tongue is faster than her mind. I know that somehow I got some of her flaws, but who am I to judge her. At least the awareness that I also got these flaws on my skin helps me in guarding myself and make a change in myself. I also hope to learn to just let it go with my mother, not to be bothered by her hurting remarks. My mom ate early and didn't join us for dinner. My husband on the other hand rarely speaks and is again displaying some sort of depression, wearing that pity unhappy face (I think it's some sort of drama). So I was also quiet the whole time, replying as short as possible when asked. Wow, I feel so tired tonight, I had to work the whole day (I work at home), do household chores in between, do the "alanon" to two people I'm living with... at least I have my 2 doggie babies to hug (not virtually, LOL). I'll say my prayers and sleep early tonight (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Oct 6, 2016
(((jocelgp))) Great share and awareness. I was reminded of the alanon saying that if we point a finger at another there are 3 fingers pointing back at ourselves. Meaning that if we see a defect in another then we probably have the same defect. In other words," spot it and your got it" .
Your growth indicates that you are a "Miracle in Progress. "
Sleep well. You are not alone
tiredtonite said
Oct 6, 2016
Hi (((jocelgp)))
It feels natural to want to share our frustrations with family members who are closest with us. Ideally, they would be non judgemental listeners to what we share with them. It what we expect from Alanon members. We don't give advise in Alanon just share our experience, strength and hope. Family members who aren't in Alanon are also suffering from the effects of alcoholism. A wife is affected by a husband's drinking and a mother in law is affected by her daughters heartbreak as well as her son in law's drinking.
Without recovery, my own thinking concerning living with someone who was alcoholic consisted of snap judgements, instant decisions without thought of consequences, speaking without a filter, taking actions on behalf of other people that were not mine to take and self righteousness which including not apologizing. Without a program, I found it very hard to mind my own business especially with the people closest to me in my life. Honestly, jocelgp even today it can be hard to keep my lip zipped and sit on my hands when I see someone close to me suffering. It's particularly difficult if it echoes a situation that I myself have experienced. Loving family and being loved by family has included some of the most painful and the most joyful experiences of my life. There are some days.... when it's so so hard to continue to just Let Go and Let God... to surrender it all to a power greater than myself. Continuing to share here and going to lots and lots of meetings has really helped me to filter out what to speak about with family members and what's best left for discussion with my sponsor and other Alanons. Years ago I made a boundary concerning my own mother. I clearly had told her that a particular topic was off limits when speaking with one another. It wasn't necessary for me to give an explanation but I did. I told her that I wanted to keep our mother/daughter relationship a good one. This was also a boundary for me. I was not going to be able to vent to my mother any longer about that particular thing. My sponsor and other program people helped me release those feelings through hearing their shares and my sharings with them. I hope you'll keep sharing with us and have good moments with your mom. Alcoholism can really steal good moments with family members if we allow it. Hugs! TT
2HP said
Oct 6, 2016
You are doing great, my friend, easy does it, take deep cleansing breaths.
I so relate to Mom issues. I wish I didn't give Mom such power, it runs very deep. I have made some progress. For me, it helps to realize my own inability to ACCEPT mom as she is....... Mom is borderline. Mom is alcoholic. Mom is codependent. Mom is a gossip. Mom is a busy-body. Mom is a manipulator (except once I see it, I can't be manipulated.... ba da bing!) in a nutshell, mom is very sick.
Instead of saying to yourself, Mom should NOT be like this... you can say, "Mom is being Mom... of course Mom should be like this.... Mom walking in Mom's shoes with Mom's life experiences under her belt... this is the result of all that and so it makes perfect sense. I accept that Mom can't do life any differently... or else she would."
But I love all the replies here. You are doing great, keep a quiet focus on the pillar of strength within you, it is there, it is absolutely there (((peace)))
2HP said
Oct 6, 2016
I just stepped into the shower... so many mom thoughts came with me, lol
Just want to share that Al-Anon taught me that my circumstances are never about me and them. It's always about me and God, God using people to help change me and my character. It's brilliant I figure because I probably wouldn't be so willing to change any other way.
I'm learning to stop blaming my "dis-ease" on others. For me, it works like this... their dis-ease triggers my dis-ease. But Al-Anon told me I have choices, I don't have to let anyone's dis-ease control me. I can own my power. I can practice self-control. I can have a peaceful life, finding contentment and even happiness no matter what chaos is going on around me, God is THAT powerful.
When I'm trusting God, grace takes over and I am calm, stepping forward to do the next right thing. And then the next right thing. the first task is getting quiet and peaceful within... building trust with acceptance that the universe is unfolding as it should. It's going to be okay, no matter what, God is just guiding me. I squirm sometimes, it gets uncomfortable... trusting and relaxing is very new behavior for me....
But we just keep coming back... trusting... trusting. Everything unfolds on God's timing, we get our knowing when the knowing comes, it just comes over us calmly... forcing solutions is not God, it's me and ego again. My job is to relax.... and keep trusting....
(I probably needed that more than you....... so thanks for "listening")
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 6th of October 2016 12:15:09 PM
Iamhere said
Oct 6, 2016
2HP - I just have to say that my most spiritual thoughts come in the shower or while I am sleeping......how odd is that? Thanks to all for their shares above - great topic!
el-cee said
Oct 6, 2016
Hey 2hp. Im loving your program.l. One of the winner's I think. Thanks for another belter.x
LinSC said
Oct 6, 2016
Detaching from your Mother mentally may help, so she doesnt have control over your emotions..... linsc
maryjane said
Oct 6, 2016
Your mom is your mom and she cares deeply about you. Her sarcasm hurts you, but she doesn't know how to "get it out" that she knows about your hubby and his drinking. And she cares about you and wants you to do something about it. Maybe be honest with her. Maybe tell her you just don't have the energy right now. Let her know that you love that she cares but you are not going to waste energy on this right now. And tell her you don't want to fight or talk about it any more. Be honest with her.
There goes my 83 year old mom again. As I've said in my other posts I try not to bother myself with my husband's whereabouts trusting that the truth will be revealed as to where he goes everyday. I think it will show sooner or later. He doesn't go out at night but he would always leave after lunch and comes back at least to close store (we have a small business). When my husband left today, as usual after lunch, my mom asked me: "so where is your Boss going, did he tell you where?" I didn't answer the question but I answered with "I don't have a Boss, who are you referring to?" Anyway, the question or the answer is not really the matter, but I felt so ridiculed by my mom's question. I felt she's provoking me to do something so I'll know what my husband is up to. I don't know her intention for asking that, I felt she's so insensitive or was she perhaps wanting to get rid of my husband. I earlier her told her (in one episode of my husband's bad behavior) that if he drinks again, I'm opting to separate than to live with his drinking again. It's as if my mom can't wait for the future event, as if she wants to find out soonest if my husband is drinking at a different time. She's making me so anxious, I feel like spying on my husband to get it over with. The "not knowing" is making me sick. I know I have to trust God, I have been preparing myself to accept whatever will happen, but I'm struggling with the feeling of wanting to know what my husband is up to.
There is a reading in he C2C that states "stop worrying about the future, what you need to know will come to you without any effort on your part". I found this to be so true - I simply need to keep an open mind, keep the focus on myself and more will be revealed.
If you have an alanon book like the C2 C she might benefit from it and then you can discuss the principles together.
Positive thoughts on the way
Working this program has given me the ability to respond instead of react. As I get better at being my true self, I notice that others are being retrained on how to treat me. Just keep that focus on you and trust the program and HP - you are doing fine where you are today!
(((jocelgp))) Great share and awareness. I was reminded of the alanon saying that if we point a finger at another there are 3 fingers pointing back at ourselves. Meaning that if we see a defect in another then we probably have the same defect. In other words," spot it and your got it" .
Your growth indicates that you are a "Miracle in Progress. "
Sleep well. You are not alone
Hi (((jocelgp)))
It feels natural to want to share our frustrations with family members who are closest with us. Ideally, they would be non judgemental listeners to what we share with them. It what we expect from Alanon members. We don't give advise in Alanon just share our experience, strength and hope. Family members who aren't in Alanon are also suffering from the effects of alcoholism. A wife is affected by a husband's drinking and a mother in law is affected by her daughters heartbreak as well as her son in law's drinking.
Without recovery, my own thinking concerning living with someone who was alcoholic consisted of snap judgements, instant decisions without thought of consequences, speaking without a filter, taking actions on behalf of other people that were not mine to take and self righteousness which including not apologizing. Without a program, I found it very hard to mind my own business especially with the people closest to me in my life. Honestly, jocelgp even today it can be hard to keep my lip zipped and sit on my hands when I see someone close to me suffering. It's particularly difficult if it echoes a situation that I myself have experienced. Loving family and being loved by family has included some of the most painful and the most joyful experiences of my life. There are some days.... when it's so so hard to continue to just Let Go and Let God... to surrender it all to a power greater than myself. Continuing to share here and going to lots and lots of meetings has really helped me to filter out what to speak about with family members and what's best left for discussion with my sponsor and other Alanons. Years ago I made a boundary concerning my own mother. I clearly had told her that a particular topic was off limits when speaking with one another. It wasn't necessary for me to give an explanation but I did. I told her that I wanted to keep our mother/daughter relationship a good one. This was also a boundary for me. I was not going to be able to vent to my mother any longer about that particular thing. My sponsor and other program people helped me release those feelings through hearing their shares and my sharings with them. I hope you'll keep sharing with us and have good moments with your mom. Alcoholism can really steal good moments with family members if we allow it. Hugs! TT
I so relate to Mom issues. I wish I didn't give Mom such power, it runs very deep. I have made some progress. For me, it helps to realize my own inability to ACCEPT mom as she is....... Mom is borderline. Mom is alcoholic. Mom is codependent. Mom is a gossip. Mom is a busy-body. Mom is a manipulator (except once I see it, I can't be manipulated.... ba da bing!) in a nutshell, mom is very sick.
Instead of saying to yourself, Mom should NOT be like this... you can say, "Mom is being Mom... of course Mom should be like this.... Mom walking in Mom's shoes with Mom's life experiences under her belt... this is the result of all that and so it makes perfect sense. I accept that Mom can't do life any differently... or else she would."
But I love all the replies here. You are doing great, keep a quiet focus on the pillar of strength within you, it is there, it is absolutely there (((peace)))
I just stepped into the shower... so many mom thoughts came with me, lol
Just want to share that Al-Anon taught me that my circumstances are never about me and them. It's always about me and God, God using people to help change me and my character. It's brilliant I figure because I probably wouldn't be so willing to change any other way.
I'm learning to stop blaming my "dis-ease" on others. For me, it works like this... their dis-ease triggers my dis-ease. But Al-Anon told me I have choices, I don't have to let anyone's dis-ease control me. I can own my power. I can practice self-control. I can have a peaceful life, finding contentment and even happiness no matter what chaos is going on around me, God is THAT powerful.
When I'm trusting God, grace takes over and I am calm, stepping forward to do the next right thing. And then the next right thing. the first task is getting quiet and peaceful within... building trust with acceptance that the universe is unfolding as it should. It's going to be okay, no matter what, God is just guiding me. I squirm sometimes, it gets uncomfortable... trusting and relaxing is very new behavior for me....
But we just keep coming back... trusting... trusting. Everything unfolds on God's timing, we get our knowing when the knowing comes, it just comes over us calmly... forcing solutions is not God, it's me and ego again. My job is to relax.... and keep trusting....
(I probably needed that more than you....... so thanks for "listening")
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 6th of October 2016 12:15:09 PM
Detaching from your Mother mentally may help, so she doesnt have control over your emotions..... linsc
Keep on taking care of yourself.