I wrote my first post earlier this week about my A ex husband and concerns regarding the safety of our children when they are with him. Since that time, I did some research and found that he had an extreme DUI back in Jan, served 8 days in jail and 22 days of in home detention and he never told me about it. He lied and said he was out of town for work so that I would watch the kids on his day when he was in jail....
Long story short, I filed paperwork today requesting sole custody of the kids.
I feel sick over it. I feel guilty. He is a good guy and he loves his kids and I feel like the "bad guy". I know this is something I need to work through, but is it normal to feel this much guilt over doing the "right thing"?
maryjane said
Oct 5, 2016
Wow, he is good. He said he was "out of town" and actually he was in jail. Cripes, he is good.
Part of your disease is that you are a good person. When people talk to you, you assume they are truthful and you don't automatically go to the negative. He may love his kids but don't ever say he is a "good guy" unless you want to redefine what a good guy is. A good guy does't lie to you or manipulate you to do for them. A good guy doesn't put his kids in harms way.
You are doing the right thing. You have been conditioned by lies and manipulation to question your every thought. You have been manipulated to bend to his desires. Don't feel guilty for doing the right thing. Tell yourself over and over that you are doing the right thing.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
e_i_m said
Oct 5, 2016
Maryjane's share is a powerful reminder of how we the "support staff" are affected by alcoholism. We do assume that people are telling the truth and then when someone we love and trust tells us different things at every turn it is so confusing and makes us question our own reality/sanity. Especially if we tend to believe others more than our own moral compass/HP. And no one is all bad or all good. Your ex can be a good guy who loves his kids and also someone who is suffering from addiction that makes him do bad/ill-conceived/reckless things and still be a good guy who can't be relied on in certain situations.
My ex abf has full custody of one of his children. The mom is an addict, who is now doing well in recovery for today. My ex, the child's father, is doing worse with his own addiction. The child is 9, he got full custody when she was 2. Addiction is a progressive disease. I don't think a custody hearing would go the same way today. I believe at some level he recognizes that he's not doing well as a parent right now and he lets the child's mother spend increasing amounts of time with her (weeks over the summer, weekends now that school is in session). Perhaps the mother will try to change the custody arrangement; I don't know.
But this is to say that if you are the best person to care for your children right now, that doesn't mean that their father will never find recovery -- he might not be there today but he could get there. And you might not be there tomorrow -- we don't know what the future holds, but if you are acting for the safety of the children today, there's nothing wrong with that. And you can still let them see him, just in a safe way.
dragonflyinn said
Oct 5, 2016
Mary Jane Your message was powerful, and I appreciate it. I think I just need reassurance sometimes because I do get so easily entangled.
-- Edited by dragonflyinn on Wednesday 5th of October 2016 06:28:59 PM
dragonflyinn said
Oct 5, 2016
e j m
You described me to perfection. I question MY sanity and I am working on getting better at that. Thank you for the reassurance.
sunmustshine said
Oct 5, 2016
Dragonflyinn this is a parent's worst nightmare that one would have to place her child with a liar who would harm them (driving drunk). You are strong, amazing, smart and loving to protect your children. You didnt make the choice to get behind the wheel drunk. You are making the choice to not let your children get hurt by someone who will put them in danger. Do not second guess yourself. You are a hero. (((Hugs)))
andromeda said
Oct 5, 2016
Wow! How did he get away with keeping that from you? I know that when my XAH did home detention they put an ankle monitoring device on him and that would have been hard to hide, lol. he also had a breathalyzer in the house for 11 days after he got out of jail, as well. Plus the court costs, jail fees, etc. I guess I'm surprised the kids didn't see anything or suspect anything but hey, that's what alcoholics do. They are experts at hiding things!
My son is older but I stayed with my XAH after his DUI for 2 years afterwards because of exactly what your fears are today. Protecting the kids from their bad behavior. Your XAH should have had been ordered to get an interlock (breathalyzer) on his car, though, especially after an extreme DUI. Believe it or not, that was a saving grace for me because I know he wouldn't be able to drink and drive with my son in the car.
Sending you lots of support and love. I have been there. Totally understand where you are at.
Iamhere said
Oct 5, 2016
I believe the guilt you feel is normal and/or expected....we all know that this is a family disease and just about everyone is affected. Doing the right thing vs. the easier thing sometimes is so very, very hard. I am certain the guilt may be from what this means for your children. I believe you can get some support through the court process for your children - counselor, therapy, other?
I am sorry this is what's going on. It's never easy when we have to disrupt the status quo - deep down I am sure he expected this to be an outcome - hence the deception.
I believe anyone would be torn in a situation like this - Al-Anoner or non....One day at a time - we're here for you...be gentle with yourself!!!
2HP said
Oct 6, 2016
It looks like you are new, I am glad you are aware of Al-Anon and I really suggest face to face meetings where you can grab onto a real hand and see how this works from the others who are practicing the principles. I appreciate your sincerity about wanting to know your part because that is when things got better for me, that is the stuff we can change. I hope you eventually find an experienced sponsor who will help you discover "your part" because it requires inventory.
I remember being confused about the suggestion that we had a "disease" too, it made little sense to me. It really helped me when someone broke it down to "dis-ease"... meaning, I am not "at ease." Some people can walk away from situations that feel un-easy. And some of us stay for a lifetime because... for me, it's so familiar. I was conditioned to experience "dis-ease" since childhood and actually have a very high tolerance for it. But it's never too late to wake up.
What I relate to in your situation is how RESPONSIBLE I feel for everyone's feelings because in my dysfunctional home I was taught that I was. I learned to be a people-pleaser and caretaker for the world, that's an impossible job and I became neurotic trying to accomplish it. Al-Anon taught me there is a very high price for my people-pleasing and care taking.... self-neglect.
Al-Anon taught me to stop sacrificing my life. Al-Anon taught me to understand what my TRUE RESPONSIBILITIES are... me ( but underage children relying on me are also a personal responsibility of mine.)
You can feel good about taking responsibility for your needs and feelings, as well as your children. You can own your power, your right and your responsibility to place value on yourself.
You are NOT responsible for his feelings. It is true that we all feel the consequences of our errors, this is life, and this is how we grow. His feelings about his consequences are not your responsibility. To thine own self be true, my friend.
I wrote my first post earlier this week about my A ex husband and concerns regarding the safety of our children when they are with him. Since that time, I did some research and found that he had an extreme DUI back in Jan, served 8 days in jail and 22 days of in home detention and he never told me about it. He lied and said he was out of town for work so that I would watch the kids on his day when he was in jail....
Long story short, I filed paperwork today requesting sole custody of the kids.
I feel sick over it. I feel guilty. He is a good guy and he loves his kids and I feel like the "bad guy". I know this is something I need to work through, but is it normal to feel this much guilt over doing the "right thing"?
Part of your disease is that you are a good person. When people talk to you, you assume they are truthful and you don't automatically go to the negative. He may love his kids but don't ever say he is a "good guy" unless you want to redefine what a good guy is. A good guy does't lie to you or manipulate you to do for them. A good guy doesn't put his kids in harms way.
You are doing the right thing. You have been conditioned by lies and manipulation to question your every thought. You have been manipulated to bend to his desires. Don't feel guilty for doing the right thing. Tell yourself over and over that you are doing the right thing.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
My ex abf has full custody of one of his children. The mom is an addict, who is now doing well in recovery for today. My ex, the child's father, is doing worse with his own addiction. The child is 9, he got full custody when she was 2. Addiction is a progressive disease. I don't think a custody hearing would go the same way today. I believe at some level he recognizes that he's not doing well as a parent right now and he lets the child's mother spend increasing amounts of time with her (weeks over the summer, weekends now that school is in session). Perhaps the mother will try to change the custody arrangement; I don't know.
But this is to say that if you are the best person to care for your children right now, that doesn't mean that their father will never find recovery -- he might not be there today but he could get there. And you might not be there tomorrow -- we don't know what the future holds, but if you are acting for the safety of the children today, there's nothing wrong with that. And you can still let them see him, just in a safe way.
Mary Jane Your message was powerful, and I appreciate it. I think I just need reassurance sometimes because I do get so easily entangled.
-- Edited by dragonflyinn on Wednesday 5th of October 2016 06:28:59 PM
e j m
You described me to perfection. I question MY sanity and I am working on getting better at that. Thank you for the reassurance.
My son is older but I stayed with my XAH after his DUI for 2 years afterwards because of exactly what your fears are today. Protecting the kids from their bad behavior. Your XAH should have had been ordered to get an interlock (breathalyzer) on his car, though, especially after an extreme DUI. Believe it or not, that was a saving grace for me because I know he wouldn't be able to drink and drive with my son in the car.
Sending you lots of support and love. I have been there. Totally understand where you are at.
I am sorry this is what's going on. It's never easy when we have to disrupt the status quo - deep down I am sure he expected this to be an outcome - hence the deception.
I believe anyone would be torn in a situation like this - Al-Anoner or non....One day at a time - we're here for you...be gentle with yourself!!!
I remember being confused about the suggestion that we had a "disease" too, it made little sense to me. It really helped me when someone broke it down to "dis-ease"... meaning, I am not "at ease." Some people can walk away from situations that feel un-easy. And some of us stay for a lifetime because... for me, it's so familiar. I was conditioned to experience "dis-ease" since childhood and actually have a very high tolerance for it. But it's never too late to wake up.
What I relate to in your situation is how RESPONSIBLE I feel for everyone's feelings because in my dysfunctional home I was taught that I was. I learned to be a people-pleaser and caretaker for the world, that's an impossible job and I became neurotic trying to accomplish it. Al-Anon taught me there is a very high price for my people-pleasing and care taking.... self-neglect.
Al-Anon taught me to stop sacrificing my life. Al-Anon taught me to understand what my TRUE RESPONSIBILITIES are... me ( but underage children relying on me are also a personal responsibility of mine.)
You can feel good about taking responsibility for your needs and feelings, as well as your children. You can own your power, your right and your responsibility to place value on yourself.
You are NOT responsible for his feelings. It is true that we all feel the consequences of our errors, this is life, and this is how we grow. His feelings about his consequences are not your responsibility. To thine own self be true, my friend.