Today was AH first day of iop. Intensive Outpatient. Now I know this is not just about me and I do have a tendency to be self righteous so please tell me if I am doing so. I went to work early so I could take him as he cannot drive. I mainly work from home, but 4 days a week I have meetings in various locations not too far from home though. I think most of my problem is that I make a plan and then feel the need to justify the plan out loud to my qualifiers. In any case, I was a little miffed because I had a run in with my son at one of my meeting locations today, he works there, because he wanted me to take him home because he was dope sick. I refused and then felt the need to justify my answer. My ex AH blew up my phone today because after I walked out of my house this morning again to the Sherriff's car parked in my driveway looking for a him with a warrant for non payment of child support I felt the need to tell him that I gave up his whereabouts and why. In fact, I don't think this is my problem as I know it is because my AH knew full well when he was in the ER prior to surgery after his accident that I was not doing this anymore. I will be supportive in another attempt at recovery but failure is not an option as I am fully prepared to leave if he relapses again. So....on the way home from his intake appointment out of the blue he says I didn't say it was an ultimatum. Further in the discussion when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about I said well it doesn't matter to me if you told them it was or not. He got upset and yelled and said he is doing it for him and that I should be proud of that. He knows what the score is and what my plan B is and since he cant seem to do it for me he was doing it for himself. I was so taken aback because he is right. Now I feel bad. I am being self righteous and I feel horrible.
hotrod said
Oct 4, 2016
(((Fooled))) Be very gentle with yourself. I too found that I often hid my motives, from myself.
In early recovery and by working the Steps, I uncovered this form of denial and was shocked.
Please forgive yourself and learn the lesson of the experience. Progress not perfection is what we seek.
Iamhere said
Oct 4, 2016
(((Fooled))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I so agree with Betty....be gentle to you and breathe. We are not perfect and we've been stuck in patterns of reacting to a horrible disease for some time - accept that you (and he and me and all) are imperfect and will make mistakes. My best efforts in the face of chaos are vastly different than my best efforts in the middle of a calm exchange. Learn from it and just keep focusing on you and detaching. You are doing just fine and things tend to get better with practice, practice, practice.
Keep coming back - you're not alone!
Fooled said
Oct 4, 2016
I remember as a child I would do something wrong, or if my Alcoholic Father did once of his disappearing acts, my mother would just react and react for days. As a teen and doing things that teens do, I wasn't afraid of my father finding out when he was drunk, but more when he was sober. Because not only would he be beat down for being drunk when I was out doing stuff that I shouldn't, but I would get it even longer When we actually have dinner together as a family which is usually only once a week we use this thing called a conversation jar. We go around the table and each person pulls a "topic" from the jar and each person has a chance to tell what he or she feels about the topic. It can be a one word answer or sometimes we have had a full blown discussion from someone's share on the topic. Well guess what topic I pulled? ALCOHOL The bottom line is I want my husband to be sober. I want him sober because of my motives. I didn't stop to think about what he wants. I know I cant live this way any more. I don't want to be in total control of the finances I don't want to be the vacation planner, responsible person all the time. Ive been so mad at his selfishness....talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Now what to do with this new found enlightenment?
hotrod said
Oct 4, 2016
Work the steps with a sponsor. This sounds like a good start on Step 4 and 5. Good Luck.
Jerry F said
Oct 5, 2016
Here hold on to this for a while (((((hugs)))))
lookingup said
Oct 5, 2016
Hugs fooled,sending positive thoughts and prayers your way...........hugs lu
Today was AH first day of iop. Intensive Outpatient. Now I know this is not just about me and I do have a tendency to be self righteous so please tell me if I am doing so. I went to work early so I could take him as he cannot drive. I mainly work from home, but 4 days a week I have meetings in various locations not too far from home though. I think most of my problem is that I make a plan and then feel the need to justify the plan out loud to my qualifiers. In any case, I was a little miffed because I had a run in with my son at one of my meeting locations today, he works there, because he wanted me to take him home because he was dope sick. I refused and then felt the need to justify my answer. My ex AH blew up my phone today because after I walked out of my house this morning again to the Sherriff's car parked in my driveway looking for a him with a warrant for non payment of child support I felt the need to tell him that I gave up his whereabouts and why. In fact, I don't think this is my problem as I know it is because my AH knew full well when he was in the ER prior to surgery after his accident that I was not doing this anymore. I will be supportive in another attempt at recovery but failure is not an option as I am fully prepared to leave if he relapses again. So....on the way home from his intake appointment out of the blue he says I didn't say it was an ultimatum. Further in the discussion when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about I said well it doesn't matter to me if you told them it was or not. He got upset and yelled and said he is doing it for him and that I should be proud of that. He knows what the score is and what my plan B is and since he cant seem to do it for me he was doing it for himself. I was so taken aback because he is right. Now I feel bad. I am being self righteous and I feel horrible.
In early recovery and by working the Steps, I uncovered this form of denial and was shocked.
Please forgive yourself and learn the lesson of the experience. Progress not perfection is what we seek.
Keep coming back - you're not alone!
Here hold on to this for a while (((((hugs)))))