My ex-ABH moved out Friday. I was so relieved Friday night that I got a brilliant night's sleep. But then when I woke up the next morning, I saw the horrendous mess that my apartment had become. A lot of it was him. I remember earlier in the week my dishwasher got fixed and he said "so does this mean you will finally do the dishes for the first time in a month?" 1) I'm not home a lot, I work 2 jobs and go to school. 2) I haven't eaten at home in a month in an effort to avoid him, all the dirty dishes residing in the sink (always residing in the sink, caked in peanut butter or cheese or mold (one time he left chicken gizzards in the sink (YUCK!)) were his. But he always felt like since he is "the depressed one" "the one working really hard to turn around his life" "the one whose life has been really hard" that all the housework should fall on me, even though he would be the one that was home a lot more often.

Anyway. After my Saturday al-anon meeting, my parents came down to help me assess the damage (dirt, stale food, sooooo many toothpicks and cotton swabs (did ya'll know that the proper waste receptacle for these items is the couch, coffee table, and floor?) CUM STAINED TOWELS (no joke), old mail and bills he never cared to open, food wrappers, receipts, coins, etc.). My parents were sweet and got me new towels (he took all but one towel) and tons of cleaning products and roach killer (all that old food he left out, brought on a roach infestation). They then took me to dinner and then left me to start cleaning.

Cleaning really helped. In two days, I managed to deep clean (with bleach) my kitchen, half-bath, and living room (nothing to do about the beer stains in the carpet sadly). But, as you can tell from this post, all the grime everywhere made me continue to harbor resentment towards him. Plus I still have to go through everything upstairs (which is mostly my mess) and deep clean. Deep cleaning downstairs, though, I discovered so much dust and grime I hadn't even noticed. I got in my car to go to Walmart and noticed how gross my car was. I saw years worth of dust covering a fan in my living room. While my parents had told me that I was partially to blame for the mess, which made me feel belittled (although I did agree with them), when I asked my mom why I hadn't even noticed most of this crap everywhere and had basically focused on the roaches and the toothpicks (HOW HARD IS IT TO THROW AWAY A TOOTHPICK???? ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE SMALL CATS WHO COULD SWALLOW THEM AND CHOKE?!?!?!) as the object of my annoyance, she said, "although you had an awareness that things were probably getting out of hand, you were so focused on just surviving from day to day and not upsetting him that things like how dusty your picture frames were getting or how built up the cat hair had gotten on the chairs didn't really matter."

She's right, I've been focused on surviving for so long. On not invoking the wrath of another. On staying out of the line of fire (by holing up in my room (when he'd let me) or just walking through the craft store until it closed). On not being told off. On not being insulted. On not being snipped at. On not being told what a manipulating bitch I am. On making sure I found just the right time to do my seamstress job or my homework so that I wouldn't have someone sitting by the sewing room door whining all night or calling me constantly or texting me until I just can't get my work done.

But, now he's gone. So while him being gone can be a catalyst for healing, and I feel so much relief, it is going to take a long time for me to actually recover and not just focus on survival. Finishing my deep clean will definitely help. My mom is coming back down in two weeks with some plastic totes for me to store my crafting crap and to make sure that the apartment is clean (because it's totally gross. Also my OCD brother is coming down in 3 weeks to go to a theme park with me and he would not appreciate the hot mess that was and still partially is my apartment. And because I'm pretty sure she knows that me cleaning will help me heal a little bit.) She is also going to help me replace some of the other things that he took or were just so gross they needed to be thrown out (like my nasty old kitchen rug). This weekend, however, I'm focusing on me and going out with some friends, something I felt like I always needed permission for before (even if he always allowed it because he's "a cool guy like that" who would then bother me incessantly while I was gone (as one of my best friends pointed out)).

Bottom line, it's not just removing yourself from an abusive situation or getting the A to start a program that is going to make you recover. It's going to help. It can be a catalyst. But it's going to take a lot of work, time, and reflection to heal.