AH wasn't home 2 days from his heartfelt "can't do this anymore" plea to sober up and get back into programs etc...and yes, come home. Started to wind himself up over something that became his last excuse for a bender. I ignored it. Then he goes and says we need to go over the bills because I've been wasting money. I took the bait. I was so angry that the man who has more money than anyone needs through nothing of his own doing tells his wife, who has put up with his garbage, sat like a horse's ass at visitor's day at his useless stint in rehab 3 benders ago (not slips...benders), runs a household, goes into overdrive trying to ease the pain of our child who feels lost and abandoned by him, while working a full time job. Yes, I must be wasting money because he has to pay half of bills that he doesn't value like furs, tiaras, and safari's...no wait, never had or done those things. That just leaves food, a mortgage and $10 clothing off the web. I let him know how I feel about his accusation and judgement of my worth. Silly me because it would've been easier to just say, bravo...go drink. Then he couldn't blame me for making him so...that he had no choice to drink. I am so angry. It's not for what he accused me of or even what he stated about my worth. It's because I was foolish enough to open my heart and be kind to him. I gave him a chance to hurt me again and in turn our child. I feel very defeated. He is rotten and I feel hate for him. The sickness idea runs out of rope this time. I think I imagined a kind person and a loving person because I wanted one so badly. Someone who would treat me the way I treat him. Instead now I'm answering why to myself I allowed any of this. If I feel as hurt as I do by all of this, how much worse must it be for my child? It's not just this time, it's the collateral damage of every time. I have to make us a better day and get past this for me and my darling girl. I have to focus on loving myself so I don't need to seek it out anymore from the man who only came back to wipe his feet.
milkwood said
Oct 4, 2016
I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt.
Good morning from Italy Sunmustshine, I woke this morning to a clear blue sky and mist filling the valley below my home. So I especially like the thought that we go and grab a better day, and then another, and another. There is so much more to fill our life than being someone else's excuse, so much more! ((((Hugs))))) to you and your daughter.
sunmustshine said
Oct 4, 2016
Thanks Milkwood. What a lovely message to get me out of my head. Those were just the words I needed to hear. Getting caught in the craziness feels so real until someone else says something truly real. It's like getting woken out of a bad dream. I just have to stay awake this time. Have a great day.
milkwood said
Oct 4, 2016
So good, I couldn't resist taking a photo. It is lovely to be up early and able to share it with you here. Wishing you a good day as well.
I can so relate to all you say here. I felt exactly the same, the sense of abandonment and the guilt over my children and the hate, your not alone in this. The good news is you can make such a difference to your family's life, improve it for you and your child and although you might not want to hear it your husband will also benefit. Go to alanon meetings, get a sponsor begin working the steps, get to know the God of your own understanding. Honestly, it was the best thing I ever did and my whole family are in a much better place.
el-cee said
Oct 4, 2016
Beautiful place you live in Milkwood. Thanks for sharing.x
hotrod said
Oct 4, 2016
((Sunmustshine))) Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
sunmustshine said
Oct 4, 2016
Beautiful picture...thanks for sharing.
jojo8466 said
Oct 4, 2016
milkwood wrote:
I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt.
Good morning from Italy Sunmustshine, I woke this morning to a clear blue sky and mist filling the valley below my home. So I especially like the thought that we go and grab a better day, and then another, and another. There is so much more to fill our life than being someone else's excuse, so much more! ((((Hugs))))) to you and your daughter.
I wish I had that beautiful view today. It is cold, dreary, pouring rain, thundering, lightening and windy where I live - ugh
Iamhere said
Oct 4, 2016
(((sunmustshine))) - sending you positive thoughts and healing prayers today!
(((milkwood))) - absolutely beautiful photo - thanks for sharing with us....stunningly breathtaking truly!
sunmustshine said
Oct 4, 2016
Beautiful picture...thanks for sharing.
Jerry F said
Oct 4, 2016
I like it and like that you are enjoying it. Gods way of cheering up and softening the hearts affected by drug addiction and alcoholism. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God. (((Hugs)))
milkwood said
Oct 4, 2016
Just checking in with you Sunmustshine hope you and your daughter are finding some good things in your day
Ann_M_Y said
Oct 4, 2016
(((Sunmustshine))) sending positive thoughts your way
a4l said
Oct 4, 2016
Chin up, were Human and I used to take that particular bait as well. Guaranteed it was to piss me off until I gained the power to laugh in its face, because it is ridiculous isn't it. Logically its ridiculous. Maybe try very calmly asking how much a beer is and then pointing out the cost of milk, the latter being essential. Or at least know it for yourself. Asking an alcoholic to interpret logic is not the greatest idea on closer thought. Anyway, sending you positive thoughts.
sunmustshine said
Oct 5, 2016
Thank you all SO much for the wonderful support that truly got me through the day. I reread your posts at work to change course when I became aware of how down I was feeling. It allowed me to really feel cared for and in your company and stronger for it. A night with my little one has restored my sense of order and the dark clouds have lifted. My perspective has changed and I feel different. Good different, stronger. I really needed help last night and today. Thank you, thank you for being there. (((((All of you)))))
Iamhere said
Oct 5, 2016
(((sunmustshine))) - back @ ya......keep coming back - MIP has saved me often when I was in a funk, full of fear and despair, etc. We are not alone when we work it as best we can together.
milkwood said
Oct 5, 2016
Your post helped me through my day too Sunmustshine! ((((Hugs)))))
Good morning from Italy Sunmustshine, I woke this morning to a clear blue sky and mist filling the valley below my home. So I especially like the thought that we go and grab a better day, and then another, and another. There is so much more to fill our life than being someone else's excuse, so much more! ((((Hugs))))) to you and your daughter.
So good, I couldn't resist taking a photo. It is lovely to be up early and able to share it with you here.
Wishing you a good day as well.
I can so relate to all you say here. I felt exactly the same, the sense of abandonment and the guilt over my children and the hate, your not alone in this. The good news is you can make such a difference to your family's life, improve it for you and your child and although you might not want to hear it your husband will also benefit. Go to alanon meetings, get a sponsor begin working the steps, get to know the God of your own understanding. Honestly, it was the best thing I ever did and my whole family are in a much better place.
I wish I had that beautiful view today. It is cold, dreary, pouring rain, thundering, lightening and windy where I live - ugh
(((milkwood))) - absolutely beautiful photo - thanks for sharing with us....stunningly breathtaking truly!
I like it and like that you are enjoying it. Gods way of cheering up and softening the hearts affected by drug addiction and alcoholism. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God. (((Hugs)))