I really want to ask my AH if he thinks I am an idiot when it comes to his sneaking drinks at night. I know when he is drinking but I am not supposed to confront him and if I did he would just lie anyway. So my question is this: do you know that we know when you are drinking even when we don't say anything? I don't want my AH to think he is pulling the wool over my eyes and that everything is okay. It isn't and I do know.
Calm Lady said
Oct 3, 2016
Mmmmmmm, tricky question. When I was a daily black out drinker I seriously thought I hid it well and that no one noticed.
Six sober years later, I can hardly believe how I could have thought that. It was stark staring obvious that I was a daily drunk.
The booze and denial kind of makes you think all sorts of insane things.
I would say though that it is all about the A and their self centred beliefs. It isn't personal to others. I never wondered if the people I lied to were idiots. It was about me not them. Making me feel more comfortable about my drinking. Not about them.
Dont know if that helps. When I was active in my drinking, nothing mattered but the drink.
That's why we cant take other A's drinking personally as it isn't.
tired of it said
Oct 3, 2016
Thank you Calm Lady......that makes sense!
Iamhere said
Oct 3, 2016
I can share a similar experience. I will say that when I was active with the disease, I didn't care what anyone said or thought about my drinking, my life, my choices, etc. I was going to do what I was going to do when I wanted to do it, and if anyone got in the way, they were easily removed, displaced or discarded. That does include a husband as well as a serious live-in man that was there when I got sober too.
So - he probably doesn't give any concern about what you know and anything you might say will be either ignored or twisted to you nagging him.
Enigmatic said
Oct 3, 2016
Hi Tired, one of the things that brought me to AlAnon, ready and willing to try a new perspective and set of tools, was the fatigue I felt from the endless, unanswerable questions I had about my qualifier's behavior and the mind numbing acrobatics I went through trying to figure them out.
What brought me peace in AlAnon was not answers to the questions I had about the alcoholic, but incredible insight into my own tendency to fixate on someone I could not, nor should not, be controlling or more accurately, trying to control. When I gave up being "right", and trying to "reason" and "logic" my way to showing them where they were wrong, that was the beginning of finding serenity.
I found the Serenity Prayer served well as a test: If I am not feeling serenity, that is a sign that I am not accepting the things I cannot change (others), not changing the things I can (myself), and forgetting to note the difference. Every case is different, no one can tell you what is going on in someone else's mind. Gladly, the program helps us see that is not necessary for us to do in order to find serenity, in fact it prevents it.
Just my thoughts, I am sure you will find resolution
tired of it said
Oct 3, 2016
Iamhere wrote:
I can share a similar experience. I will say that when I was active with the disease, I didn't care what anyone said or thought about my drinking, my life, my choices, etc. I was going to do what I was going to do when I wanted to do it, and if anyone got in the way, they were easily removed, displaced or discarded. That does include a husband as well as a serious live-in man that was there when I got sober too.
So - he probably doesn't give any concern about what you know and anything you might say will be either ignored or twisted to you nagging him.
Thanks Iamhere......that is a great point about not caring whether I know or not. So, I will work on my Al Anon skills and try to work on my serenity.
Thanks Enigmatic for your words as well! I am going to reread them often!
pinkchip said
Oct 3, 2016
I believe we/they sneak to avoid the most glaring of confrontations. Mostly they know you know but getting drunk is necessity and if it can be done without interference..
All the better. It is a complicated denial thing too. Like swigging drinks right in front of you would be worse in their mind. To them, being drunk feels more normal but they know the act of drinking makes it all so obvious. There is shame involved also...it's a dirty shameful vice and a good portion of the behavior is all about lying to self and thinking you can feel drunk and not act it or cause chaos and harm (a giant lie most times). It is not about you. It is all about drink first and do any crazy thing to maintain the addiction. So sad...
tired of it said
Oct 4, 2016
It is very sad pinkchip!
el-cee said
Oct 4, 2016
I remember feeling this intense desire to be the one in the right, the one who knows and can see whats going on. I also took his drinkjng personally, like an attack on me and our family, i was in fight mode all the time. Its not a hapoy way to live. I learned alcoholism is a disease, a terrible life threatening disease. Its not about you, any of it, the drinkjng, whether you know or not. His disease was most likely within him way before you were in his life. If you commit to alanon, learn about it the way you would learn about someone close to you having any life threatening disease, read up on the behaviours, the reasons the effects on the family. It was this that brought me freedom. I learned it had nothing to do with me, his drinking and i had to get recovery from the watching, obsessing about him.
Jerry F said
Oct 4, 2016
I didn't care and that pretty much took care of the situation. If you or anyone else didn't agree or like it I would leave and go somewhere else. Drinking wasn't a sin or a moral issue even then and it wasn't against the law in most instances. In Al-Anon I learned to mind my own business and stay out of my alcoholic/addicts hula hoop which include infidelity and all kinds of other stuff. I am and was responsible for my peace of mind and serenity so "when in doubt...don't" (ask, look, investigate etc).
I really want to ask my AH if he thinks I am an idiot when it comes to his sneaking drinks at night. I know when he is drinking but I am not supposed to confront him and if I did he would just lie anyway. So my question is this: do you know that we know when you are drinking even when we don't say anything? I don't want my AH to think he is pulling the wool over my eyes and that everything is okay. It isn't and I do know.
Six sober years later, I can hardly believe how I could have thought that. It was stark staring obvious that I was a daily drunk.
The booze and denial kind of makes you think all sorts of insane things.
I would say though that it is all about the A and their self centred beliefs. It isn't personal to others. I never wondered if the people I lied to were idiots. It was about me not them. Making me feel more comfortable about my drinking. Not about them.
Dont know if that helps. When I was active in my drinking, nothing mattered but the drink.
That's why we cant take other A's drinking personally as it isn't.
Thank you Calm Lady......that makes sense!
So - he probably doesn't give any concern about what you know and anything you might say will be either ignored or twisted to you nagging him.
What brought me peace in AlAnon was not answers to the questions I had about the alcoholic, but incredible insight into my own tendency to fixate on someone I could not, nor should not, be controlling or more accurately, trying to control. When I gave up being "right", and trying to "reason" and "logic" my way to showing them where they were wrong, that was the beginning of finding serenity.
I found the Serenity Prayer served well as a test: If I am not feeling serenity, that is a sign that I am not accepting the things I cannot change (others), not changing the things I can (myself), and forgetting to note the difference. Every case is different, no one can tell you what is going on in someone else's mind. Gladly, the program helps us see that is not necessary for us to do in order to find serenity, in fact it prevents it.
Just my thoughts, I am sure you will find resolution
Thanks Iamhere......that is a great point about not caring whether I know or not. So, I will work on my Al Anon skills and try to work on my serenity.
Thanks Enigmatic for your words as well! I am going to reread them often!
All the better. It is a complicated denial thing too. Like swigging drinks right in front of you would be worse in their mind. To them, being drunk feels more normal but they know the act of drinking makes it all so obvious. There is shame involved also...it's a dirty shameful vice and a good portion of the behavior is all about lying to self and thinking you can feel drunk and not act it or cause chaos and harm (a giant lie most times). It is not about you. It is all about drink first and do any crazy thing to maintain the addiction. So sad...
It is very sad pinkchip!
I remember feeling this intense desire to be the one in the right, the one who knows and can see whats going on. I also took his drinkjng personally, like an attack on me and our family, i was in fight mode all the time. Its not a hapoy way to live. I learned alcoholism is a disease, a terrible life threatening disease. Its not about you, any of it, the drinkjng, whether you know or not. His disease was most likely within him way before you were in his life. If you commit to alanon, learn about it the way you would learn about someone close to you having any life threatening disease, read up on the behaviours, the reasons the effects on the family. It was this that brought me freedom. I learned it had nothing to do with me, his drinking and i had to get recovery from the watching, obsessing about him.
I didn't care and that pretty much took care of the situation. If you or anyone else didn't agree or like it I would leave and go somewhere else. Drinking wasn't a sin or a moral issue even then and it wasn't against the law in most instances. In Al-Anon I learned to mind my own business and stay out of my alcoholic/addicts hula hoop which include infidelity and all kinds of other stuff. I am and was responsible for my peace of mind and serenity so "when in doubt...don't" (ask, look, investigate etc).