Okay so is this normal? ABF finally started AA and has been going for one week. That is of course a good step. He still admits it seems like forever to get to 30 days but it is his goal. (he still also doesn't quite grasp that this will be a lifelong recovery, as he is thinking one day he can drink socially) Anyway, yesterday he tells me about meetings and things they say and I say oh good, remember those were some things I told you I learned from AlAnon and books.. but then he stops me and says yea but coming from you its nagging. You don't really have the issues I have. Ummm OK I am not a drinker but I have been affected by one for last 4 yrs so give me some credit for trying too! (plus i have alcoholism in my family so I am not cBut not even a thanks for pointing him in right direction. Suddenly he knows all about being sober and is acting almost smug. I really thought he would act more humble about it. Now he acts as if Im jealous hes bettering himself! what on earth? I just kinda wanted some credit for all I have dond to understand and help this relationship when I could have easily walked away long time ago. Is this in any way a dry drunk trait at all?

I messed up one sentence.. it was suppose to say " i am not completely clueless)

My husband will not go to AA, he doesn't believe in that, and denies he has a drinking problem. I don't know if he has accepted that his drinking is causing problem in our relationship. At least I admit that it does in me and in our relationship, that is coming from my perception. We have openly discussed about it and have told him that what he wants to do with the problem as I perceive it is up to him and the same goes for me too. He is responsible for himself and so am I when it comes to the drinking issue. I continue to come on this board because I learn a lot about the nature of "alcoholism" and how others are coping with it. For that I am truly grateful because if I have not found Al-anon (at least virtually for we have none in my country), IDK...
I hope we will continue to learn and understand what we are facing.
I hope you will not take this negatively, I just want to share my insight, as they take what you like and leave the rest. It may be part of the ego or whatever why we wanted to be acknowledged for our actions or good deeds but come to think of it why? We can just keep that to ourselves if we believe it is due to us and be happy with the result of what we've done, after all there is a Higher Power (to me is God) to whom all this acknowledgements and credits properly belong.
Keep coming back! I hope you'll find peace and serenity. (((Hugs)))

He has to do it for himself if it's going to work. The minute it becomes something he is doing for or because of you, I reckon the chance of success drops enormously. To me it sounds very positive that he doesn't want to involve you in it at all; it means he isn't "setting the scene" to relapse and blame you which is something I encountered over and over...he would "quit" but want me to be completely involved in his quitting and then when he wanted to drink, all he had to do was start a fight, tell me I was being unsupportive and voila! He'd get to go on a bender that was all my fault!!

In my experience you're kind of describing a pretty positive scenario. If it was me I think i'd back right off and cheer him on quietly and not worry about being acknowleged/thanked. Instead, I think I'd dive head first into my own program.

Thank you for being here- we appreciate you!!

Aerin - I am going to put my AA hat on for a minute.....when one comes through the doors, they (like us in Al-Anon) are full of fear and just not sure what to expect. In AA, we NEVER discuss or tell a new member that they can never drink again. We don't work it that way - it's One Day at a Time. If an alcoholic goes one day, it's considered a miracle. That's just the way the program works - both sides...One Day at a Time.

AA does typically do step meetings for new members. They go around the room and share ESH (just like Al-Anon). The new person can share if they want and they get phone numbers, just like Al-Anon. Also, just like our side, there is literature and suggestions of returning to a meeting each day (90 in 90) and also a sponsor.

Where AA (here) differs from Al-Anon, they do allow cross-talk. We actually encourage it, with the intent to take any issue/problem/other that's affecting sobriety and relate it back to a step, a tradition and/or a principle. My point is it can be extremely overwhelming if a room full of people are encouraging, suggesting and throwing AA principles, slogan, steps and more at you. It's a lot of information coming at you to digest. Keeping in mind that the newcomer is also asked to not drink between meetings.

My point - tons of data flowing at a person who has probably not been 'right-minded' for a while and it's uplifting, stressful and a bit overwhelming. I am going to agree with him that unless you've got an addiction (cigarettes, sugar, food, gambling, drugs, etc.) and have quit for a week or longer, you don't understand. You understand from your perspective - he understands from his. It is very different - in AA, we say over and over and over again that to drink is to die. We don't say that in Al-Anon - a slip in Al-Anon is not deadly; a slip in AA can be.

I am not saying either side has it harder than the other - they are different. Each of you should be on your own journey of recovery and IF discussing it is causing contention, perhaps you both should take it to your sponsors, as the program suggests. In AA, he will be told over and over and over again to remove any obstacle that causes his stress or might trigger him to drink. I've seen people walk out of marriages, as they understand they are not worth anything to anyone, especially themselves if they can not get/stay sober. He will be stark raving mad for at least a year on average, and I have never met an alcoholic who didn't want to learn how to drink socially.....just like most Al-Anoners arrive wanting a solution to fix their A, many A(s) show up wanting to be a 'normal drinker'.

We must always remember that this disease is a disease of thinking. Both sides possess distorted thinking - they are fixated on the substance and we are fixated on them. Neither side is logical, sane or practical. Perhaps his smugness is pride in going a week without alcohol? That's celebrated at meetings. We give chips and coins out for 24 hours because the disease is that powerful. For a long while, just to not drink for an alcoholic is a miracle.

Putting on my Al-Anon hat, I've driven my sons to 10+ treatment center, thousands of meetings, court, lawyers, probation officers, and much more and they not only don't appreciate that (yet), they resent me for being in their business/having to be in their business. They resent me more than most because I interrupted their disease and my expectations often were much more than they could handle. In Al-Anon, I have learned to lower my expectations because we are all different. I am tickled pink when we make it through a day/week/month without police at the door, wrecked cars, hidden drugs in my home, no loss of job, etc. I stay focused on what is good/improved instead of what is not good/working.

If anything, his current style reflects the 'pink cloud' effect. This happens often when one is new and feels better and gets support and thinks it is going to be a 'piece of cake'. Like everything, this too shall pass. I will caution you that in my experience, my oldest child was forever changed by this disease and I now know he will most likely never be who I want him to be or who he was before the disease took hold. He celebrated 5 years sober, and was still a mean, angry, resentful child. Yet, I was grateful because he was alive and this disease can and will kill.

I do recommend you go to meetings and work your own program. If he sticks with it and works his program, he will continue to talk program speak and when one recovers and the other does not, it makes for a larger disconnect than when both were sick from the disease.

As always, take what you like and leave the rest. There are many catch phrases I heard early on that kept me engaged but neutral during times like this. There are many, many readings in C2C on detachment - there is possibly some words of wisdom in checking them out.

It sounds very enmeshed Aerin. Recovery is personal and support needs to be of service to the supported. I get the wanting thanks...... But I think there's a bit of honesty lacking. We stay because there's something in it for us. With an open mind and a thorough step 4, many step 4s sometimes, finding the answers about ourselves is not only possible but opens up a whole new perspective on everything. Keeping the focus on ourselves is empowering. Keep coming back.

((((Aerin))))

Oh my, I've felt those feelings Aerin. I'm sorry, it still ain't easy, but it is a beginning.

I remember feeling soooo ticked off when my husband first stopped drinking. Weird eh?!!!! I didn't understand why I felt that way until I realised that I was angry at him for feeling so pleased/proud of himself for not drinking. After all, that's the way it should have been all along isn't it?!!! I was then feeling even more irritated with myself because I wasn't able to feel pleased and proud for him! Welcome to my particular merry-go-round!!

Recovery takes a lot of time I think. What you describe matches my experience of early recovery fairly well. I found the first year - eighteen months of living with a recovering alcoholic just as difficult, in fact sometimes harder, as I had living with an alcoholic. I think that this is partly because of my own expectations (I thought that all my previous efforts and patience would be appreciated, rewarded even. Where was my reward?) And partly because I am opening up my feelings more and my anger turns up and catches me out (usually when we are getting relatively close together, darn it!!). I found it irritating to hear everyone else saying well done to AH for giving up drinking whilst not hearing anyone congratulate me for having stayed with him through all the crazy days (and I still have to be gentle with myself for even having had that expectation because, realistically, I know that none of my friends would ever say well done for all that strife!!!).

Sooooo, what I needed to do, but hadn't really seen coming, was to keep working on MY recovery and keep my focus off my husband just as much as I did when he was drinking. Of course husband wanted an audience, he was King Baby and everything was fixed, right?! He wanted me to be saying well done along with everyone else. And I was angry with myself for not being able to do that - I was just so darn angry in general!!!

Finally, I realised that I needed to be true to myself. My feelings matter but hey, lightbulb moment, it was my responsibility to respect my feelings. I explained to AH that I needed to bring positives into my life to replace all the garbage and hurt that I was feeling and I needed time to do this for myself. I let go of my expectations about how things should be and try to simply accept each day, and moment, as it is - some good, some bad, and some hugely irritating!!! I no longer give to the point of being reduced to giving dregs. This is my recharge time and it is ok for me to relax my grip.

Be gentle friend. ((((hugs))))

Great responses everyone. Thank you. Milkwood that is EXACTLY how I feel, I just couldn't word it right. It is weird that I feel this way, I am usually a very supportive person. Defenitely need to work on my side. harder than I thought

Hugs to Aerin at this challenging time.

Great shares here. Resonate with me so strongly. Thank you.

Aerin, I just want to say ditto for what Milkwood says. And I would like to add for myself that I was afraid that the "jackass" that he was acting like was his true personality. If booze was covering up his feelings all that time, maybe this new horrible person was what it was covering up. Yikes. And only time will tell. It has been 16 years since he was "newly recovered" and I do still see that horrible person occasionally.... so smug. Another friends of mine in AlAnon saw that smug person whenever she talked to him, so I think I was a little blind to it.

MaryJane.. yes, only when drinking does he say good/bad things About me. So I too am curious what his real self is. I never knew him not drinking. I will give it some time. No decisions for 6months to year I believe Al Anon suggests.

Maybe view him as a kindergartner bragging about what he learned in school.

Aerin...I know he is a grown ass man, but detach from the insanity and hope over time he just stays sober in AA and grows up. This will free yourself of some anger if you can do it and allow you to take care of yourself and focus on your blessings.

Great thread, thanks everyone.

Writing with my double winner hat on, oh goodness us newly sober alkies are insufferable pains in the neck. We think we know everything and feel it is our duty to bless everyone with the benefit of our amazing knowledge!

Like a bunch of school kids! It does pass as we work our program and start to grow up!

I can relate to the kid at kindergarten. I could also see myself in the role of pain in the ass know it all newbie, just an alanon pain in the ass. Lol i really did think i knew it all with a little bit of spirituality but to be fair even a week working this gave me so much more than i had.x i would focus focus on you and your own program.

We actually have a saying around here - possibly also stated in other places - working recovery is like growing up in public....I believe humility comes from working the steps, believing in a HP, relying on the HP and finally coming to realize that we are not the center of the universe.

I too can relate to the kid at kindergarten....Great topic and perfect shares - thanks to all!

Again, great advice all. I am new to the AA part. This is his first attempt. He hasn't gotten to 30 days yet.. but obviously it is a goal. It is a bit harder than I expected as I think I was more use to his drinking personality every few days, then this "dry" personality. He said he didn't want to tell me about meetings but now he is trying to give me details, I really do think he is looking for praise from me. I am just nodding and listening. not offering advice, as this way i cannot be blamed for any lapse. In some ways I feel he is distant from me. I guess his mind is occupied with day to day sober. Former A's could probably answer that one.

Aerin - it's definitely one day at a time for anyone in recovery. My own children pointed out to me that I was more supportive and kind to others in recovery than to them. It hurt when it was said, but it was so true. I held them up to a different standard than any other newer member to the program and that was a huge lesson for me with expectations. Now, when they tell me about their success or their efforts, even if it sounds foreign to me, I will say, "That sounds good. I'm proud of you." My sponsor gave me that statement and it replaced many other things I used to say....and it was exactly what I needed to say and they needed to hear.

My AH is very much the same. If I just say something supportive or neutral instead of something projecting or related to the past, I am working my program and giving them the dignity to live their life as they see fit. I have to remind myself often each day with all that they are sick and I can support them without enabling them.

Keep working on you and trust the process and your HP. Keep coming back!