My AH went to a rehab this morning. Why do I have a conflict going on inside?
I'm happy he is getting the help he needs.
I'm scared that he won't get the help he needs.
I'm scared about money because he is the breadwinner and we are already way behind on our bills. I have some convoluted responsibility somewhere in there. I've bern looking for a job and can't find one.
And the lastly I have this strange feeling of anger and resentment. My whole life people have dumped on me and here I am again. When things were bad for my parents or siblings it was MY life that got rearranged!Whenever there were big problems in my family, they would call me. I had to "fix" things. I had to do alot of thingd that were not my responsibilities. Now I am the one left holding the bag. I have to tell my kids there is a very good chance we may be homeless soon.
My beautiful 16 year old daughter told me to take things one day at a time. She said good things might happen.How about that for a HP at work?
I know I have to turn my mind off to the crazy thoughts, put on my Big Girl shoes and keep on keeping on.
It's somehow a blessing. Thanks for letting me share this here.
Peace and love, Ceelee
Freetime said
Oct 2, 2016
{{{Ceelee}}}, congratulations on having such a smart daughter! . Her words were very wise.
I, too, have felt that I always put my needs behind everyone else's, and it was by finding myself in a crisis that I realized it would be a good idea to change that.
What I did, when feeling that craziness from fear and anxiety, was start going to Alanon meetings. I don't know if you have a F2F meeting, but if possible, this would be the perfect time to get to one. It is in these times of crisis that the power of group support and wisdom can help so much. I believe it is perfectly OK to feel fear and anger, we just don't want to get stuck there.
Good things CAN happen, one step at a time. We just don't always know in advance what those good things will be. You are not alone.
Jerry F said
Oct 2, 2016
Relax CeeLee and practice trusting God as your daughter suggests...She is a gift thank your HP. You are facing the unmanageability part of our disease which becomes temporary was we continue to practice growing in the program. Keep on keeping on with your recovery journey and see what comes about for you and that daughter and others. Keep coming back home to MIP. (((((hugs)))))
Ceelee said
Oct 2, 2016
Thank you! I walked alot and listened some Alanon speakers. It calmed me down some.
Jerry F said
Oct 2, 2016
That's a YAY!! It works when we work it. Thanks (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Oct 2, 2016
Agree with the YAY!!! (((Cee-lee))) - be gentle with you and breathe, just breathe. Your daughter is bright - how lovely is that and what a gift? She's wise beyond her years yet her simple suggestion to you is so spot on - just focus on what you can do for you today. It's been my own experience that HP works in mysterious ways often/always!
Sending prayers of support and positive thoughts for your family and recovery. You are not alone - lean into your recovery, fellowship and program as best you can!!
I do understand all your feelings! It's also an adjustment going from 'fighting fires' to 'quiet unknown'. Slow the mind-wheels down and just breathe on this Sunday in October! Monday will come soon enough and then we get to do it all again!
Fooled said
Oct 2, 2016
I can so relate to this feeling. When my AH went in to rehab the first time in February I felt the same way. It also was the worst snow storm of the year and hear I was by myself with my two kids. It was before I started alanon and rediscovered my faith. The one thing that helped me was starting a journal. Writing down everything down that I was feeling and why. Before I wrote the next entry I re read the previous entry. Once I was able to see my progress in letting go I was able to start really letting it go.
el-cee said
Oct 2, 2016
What a wise girl you've got. Big thing to be grateful for. I understand your fears try to break them down pray on them let them go for wee while and your hp will give you everything you need x
hotrod said
Oct 2, 2016
(((ceelee) You are human so please be gentle with yourself, stay in the moment in the day and know that you truly are not alone.
Positive thoughts and prayers for you, your daughter and hubby.
Ceelee said
Oct 3, 2016
It's not going too well. I'm angry because he left me with no money and a house full of kids. Family can't help me. Then he calls and asks me to get him cigarettes. I lost it!
Of course now I feel bad but I'm still angry. I talk to his counselour. I'm sure I won't be getting too many invites up there.
I can't get to any meetings because my daughter uses my car.
I'm so frustrated.
Fooled said
Oct 3, 2016
I wish I could show you my journal! I wrote something very similar. What you are feeling is perfectly normal...I was frustrated and bitter and so mad. Our first family session ended with me enraged and walking out. The selfishness of this disease is disgusting. I can tell you not to feel bad, but you will, is it going to kill him to be without cigarettes? Nope. He will find a way, just like he found a way to drink. Focus on today. ((Ceelee))
Iamhere said
Oct 3, 2016
Sending thoughts and prayers your way (((ceelee))) - it is the chaos and insanity of the disease that you are feeling. I agree - be gentle with you and just stay present.
CH_Husband_Dad said
Oct 4, 2016
What an amazing daughter you have!
I know how you feel about your spouse going to rehab. When my wife went to rehab I was happy but also felt it was unfair that I was taking on the burden. My issues weren't as much financial as logistical.
We really deserve and maybe need our own month long rehab program to find ourselves.
Ceelee said
Oct 5, 2016
After talking with my AH yesterday I am pretty sure he is just drug seeking. Plus someone is buying cigarettes. He probably made " friends " too. That way he will have a new crowd to run with when he gets out.So he is high as a kite and doesn't have to work or do anything. He had a major benzo addiction in the past and hes on them in there.
Crazy how an addict can work the system? He told me that as soon as he is done in detox (aka no more benzos) he is signing out.
Oh JOY! I'm such a lucky girl. ( Sorry for the sarcasm)
I really wish I had the money to pack my stuff and kids and get out of here! I know it will be just as bad if not worse when he gets out.
My AH went to a rehab this morning. Why do I have a conflict going on inside?
I'm happy he is getting the help he needs.
I'm scared that he won't get the help he needs.
I'm scared about money because he is the breadwinner and we are already way behind on our bills. I have some convoluted responsibility somewhere in there. I've bern looking for a job and can't find one.
And the lastly I have this strange feeling of anger and resentment. My whole life people have dumped on me and here I am again. When things were bad for my parents or siblings it was MY life that got rearranged!Whenever there were big problems in my family, they would call me. I had to "fix" things. I had to do alot of thingd that were not my responsibilities. Now I am the one left holding the bag. I have to tell my kids there is a very good chance we may be homeless soon.
My beautiful 16 year old daughter told me to take things one day at a time. She said good things might happen.How about that for a HP at work?
I know I have to turn my mind off to the crazy thoughts, put on my Big Girl shoes and keep on keeping on.
It's somehow a blessing. Thanks for letting me share this here.
Peace and love, Ceelee
{{{Ceelee}}}, congratulations on having such a smart daughter!
. Her words were very wise.
I, too, have felt that I always put my needs behind everyone else's, and it was by finding myself in a crisis that I realized it would be a good idea to change that.
What I did, when feeling that craziness from fear and anxiety, was start going to Alanon meetings. I don't know if you have a F2F meeting, but if possible, this would be the perfect time to get to one. It is in these times of crisis that the power of group support and wisdom can help so much. I believe it is perfectly OK to feel fear and anger, we just don't want to get stuck there.
Good things CAN happen, one step at a time. We just don't always know in advance what those good things will be. You are not alone.
Relax CeeLee and practice trusting God as your daughter suggests...She is a gift thank your HP. You are facing the unmanageability part of our disease which becomes temporary was we continue to practice growing in the program. Keep on keeping on with your recovery journey and see what comes about for you and that daughter and others. Keep coming back home to MIP. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you! I walked alot and listened some Alanon speakers. It calmed me down some.
That's a YAY!! It works when we work it. Thanks (((hugs)))
Sending prayers of support and positive thoughts for your family and recovery. You are not alone - lean into your recovery, fellowship and program as best you can!!
I do understand all your feelings! It's also an adjustment going from 'fighting fires' to 'quiet unknown'. Slow the mind-wheels down and just breathe on this Sunday in October! Monday will come soon enough and then we get to do it all again!
Positive thoughts and prayers for you, your daughter and hubby.
It's not going too well. I'm angry because he left me with no money and a house full of kids. Family can't help me. Then he calls and asks me to get him cigarettes. I lost it!
Of course now I feel bad but I'm still angry. I talk to his counselour. I'm sure I won't be getting too many invites up there.
I can't get to any meetings because my daughter uses my car.
I'm so frustrated.
I know how you feel about your spouse going to rehab. When my wife went to rehab I was happy but also felt it was unfair that I was taking on the burden. My issues weren't as much financial as logistical.
We really deserve and maybe need our own month long rehab program to find ourselves.
After talking with my AH yesterday I am pretty sure he is just drug seeking. Plus someone is buying cigarettes. He probably made " friends " too. That way he will have a new crowd to run with when he gets out.So he is high as a kite and doesn't have to work or do anything. He had a major benzo addiction in the past and hes on them in there.
Crazy how an addict can work the system? He told me that as soon as he is done in detox (aka no more benzos) he is signing out.
Oh JOY! I'm such a lucky girl. ( Sorry for the sarcasm)
I really wish I had the money to pack my stuff and kids and get out of here! I know it will be just as bad if not worse when he gets out.