Oh so very grateful today for the time I have spent thus far honing my al-anon tools and yes, even for the miserable, alcohol soaked, codependent relationship that brought me here in the first place. Every minute of it, as it turns out.

See, this almost 14 year old that I share a house with just becomes more and more vile by the day. And only to me; to everyone else she is Miss Congeniality. (Sound familiar?) It used to upset me; back when she was mostly sweet and sometimes not. I'd turn myself inside out trying to work out where I had gone wrong and what I could do to make it all better.

Now 2 weeks ago she went to her fathers, this time for the entire school holidays. She wanted to; hes turned a corner lately, it seems. Good for him.

I cooked up a huge pot of vegetables the day she left and I've lived on them. That was the extent of my household duties for the next 2 weeks- throw vegetables in a pot every 5 days or so, microwave as needed. I basically sat in my chair and studied and wrote my book and promised the dog I'd walk him later. It was bliss. The best term break I've had in a very, very long time. (Although I may have developed rickets, lol).

Her satanic Majesty messaged me repeatedly during her time away; never "Hi mum" or "How are you or "Guess what interesting thing I did". Instead, every message began with 'I want" and if she didn't get a result immediately, promising that I would provide her with said thing, it was followed by "Oh fine you don't want me to have anything, I hate you" etc. Ridiculous stuff. I told her if she kept it up, she wouldn't like the consequences. So she did keep it up and the night before I was scheduled to go and get her, she sent me a barrage of rude, abusive texts demanding that I get her first thing in the morning because "I HAVE &^*%ING PLANS YOU KNOW". Turned out, so did I and unfortunately I couldn't get her the next day at all. I had a very important date with a sleep-in and some more study/writing. I relished that final day and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because consequences, and self-preservation, and all that. I cant jump through hoops for someone who is abusing me anymore; I just don't have it in me. I guess its a defect my HP saw fit to help me lift off. Yay.

Anyway when I finally did collect her 2 days later, she was vile; I tried to say a bright hello and got a snarl, then as I was trying to text her stepmother back to let her know I'd found her on the platform the kid was already snarling in my ear about why can't I move my ### instead of standing in her way, and then we sat and she tried to make me take things from her bag and put them in mine because hers is too heavy (long standing argument and in short, the answer is no). She ended up trying to force me to put a hat in my bag.

???

???

Now normally when I pick her up from her fathers and she behaves like the anti-christ's evil twin, I get upset and plead and reason and think up a whole lot of stupid codependent reasons for her behaviour that involve "she likes them better than she likes me". Because she used to be my sweet baby and my best buddy, you know? And it was meant to be like that forever? Well I made a decision while she was away. I decided, I don't care if she likes me. I don't care if we're friends. Maybe we will be again and that'll be great but right now she's horrible to interact with and I don't particularly like her so why do I need her to like me? I have decided that now, I can be a parent but not a friend and that's fine because she shouldn't be my whole universe anyway.

So I got up and moved seats, got out my ipod and cranked up the music and I stayed that way the entire 3 hours it took to get home. And it was quite pleasant really; I enjoyed it. I don't mind long train rides a bit as long as I have music and/or a good book. And she was texting me the entire time (I was across the aisle) but I didn't get out my phone and look because, enough. Just enough. When we got home I showed her what ingredients we had in the kitchen, informed her that she could make herself dinner if she was hungry, and I went to bed. At 6pm. That's right, how gansta am I?

Letting her abuse me while I smile and sacrifice endlessly is not teaching her anything good and it sure as hell isnt fun for me. Time for real changes, because it isnt getting better on its own.

And the point to this is, I don't think anything could have prepared me for life with an angry 14 year old quite like 10 years with an  alcoholic and years of al-anon. it's been the perfect training really and I'm grateful for it. Without it, who knows how I would be reacting to these changes? Tears, rages, and endless self-blame?

Instead, I'm pretty well prepared, I think. I understand that my anger and even feelings of intense dislike dont make me a bad parent or a bad person, they're just feelings (not facts). I understand that detachment can be the kindest action for everyone involved, and that constantly fixing problems does not in fact fix them. And best of all, I know that small, simple actions like walking away and engaging an ipod (by far my favourite al-anon tool, lol) can melt away some problems far more effectively than hours of wailing and hand wringing and trying.

Thanks all for sharing the journey with me thus far.

(((Everyone)))

-- Edited by MissM on Saturday 1st of October 2016 11:29:52 PM

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and impressed by how you're keeping your cool in the face of an immense amount of provocation.

I remember being that age (and staying emotionally that age for too many years, actually).  I had no idea how to handle the turmoil and rage inside me.  My parents had been either ice-cold or rageful, so those were the two options I knew about.  I had no idea what healthy emotional processing looked like, either on the inside or the outside.  I wish my parents had known about it and had given me direction.  So maybe that's something to think about as you move forward.

I also had some problems with my parents - some just silly teenage immaturity, some genuine serious issues.  I had no idea whatsoever how to process those.  My family didn't handle problems.  And my parents' idea of dealing with them was to ignore me.  I'd shout louder, they'd kind of ignore me with a grin of delight.  Move into the other room smiling smugly.  Now, that was good for them not escalating - but it didn't get the issues dealt with.  And some of them were very serious for me and some were very serious overall.  So my long-winded point is that it would have helped me calm down if there had been an actual way of addressing and processing the issues.  (Including the fact that sometimes I didn't really understand why I was so angry, and needed some help to identify the problem, which would have started with my seemingly trivial complaints.)  What happened was that I shouted to get their attention, and they ignored me, and I grew up feeling invisible and worthless.  They would have said, "We would listen to your problems if you had talked in a normal tone of voice."  But that was not my experience.  My experience was that the family habit was to suppress problems until they couldn't be suppressed any longer, and then to explode.  Talking about things in a normal tone of voice just got me ignored and dismissed.

I don't know how or if any of this applies to you.  I'm just thinking out loud because some of this brought back memories of my own household.  Dealing with a teen is definitely a new territory, isn't it?  Take good care of yourself.

Mattie, I've spent the last couple of years focusing entirely on daughter and what she wants/needs. We've been to counselling together and we've tried having weekly meetings to discuss what she wants and needs, and I've done everything in my power to provide her with a loving and nurturing home and relationship. I've delayed everything in my life to support her through her first couple of years in high school; I cancelled all of my classes and stayed home for most of it just because she seemed to need me to be available and it was too hard to chase a career and be there 100% for her as well. I believe i have done the very best I could do. She has been the star of the show for the last 2 years, and she knows I'm there for her no matter what. But it's gone beyond reason; she's just endlessly rude and nasty to me and I've decided, enough now. She needs to understand that treating me like dirt isn't always going to result in me grovelling and trying to find a way to make her be nice. I've tried everything else and my sense now is, this behaviour towards me has just become habit, and a pretty awful one too. So yes, for now, am going to ignore her nasty outbursts because I think that's the right course of action for both of us.

I am just one person and I don't believe I can turn myself inside out any more than I have. I don't believe she is unhappy overall; her friends are all pretty rude to their parents I've found too and I believe it's habit/ really poor peer behaviour. She isn't like this towards anyone else because they wouldn't tolerate it if she was. She's delightful to her father for example, and that's not terribly fair considering.

Anyway I understand what you are saying and appreciate you sharing about your experience but I don't believe this is where she is at. I believe that as i have devoted myself to trying to make life as wonderful as possible for her with no help from anyone else, she has come to the conclusion that my function in life is simply to attend her and take whatever she throws at me. And I definitely need to model something different now because I'm ready to explode!!

 ... welcome to the teenage years, Mel... their's, not ours... but rewards at the end... u need to believe that! ...

Wise words!  I know you know your situation best of all, and you have gone above and beyond in trying to do the best for your daughter.