I am so disgusted with myself, with my AH and with alcoholism. I am having a pity party and I need to vent so I can move on. My AH was clean and sober for 13 years. We have been together for almost 13 years and about a year ago he started drinking. This behavior was new to me. I never dealt with an alcoholic before. We have 3 kids together. We have been through hell and back this past year! My kids are paying the price. He will hit rock bottom (or what we think is rock bottom) and then stays sober for a week or two. We all get our hopes up, he makes promises, we make plans for our future, etc. And then he starts a fight for no good reason and uses that as his excuse to start drinking again. I feel so stupid sometimes for falling for it (again)! I am so thankful for this group because I know I will not be judged. This disease is killing me. Its tearing my kids apart which is so hard to watch. I am learning to lovingly detach but I get frustrated with myself when I feel like I am unsuccessful at it!! 2 weeks ago we had to watch him get so drunk that he couldn't stop throwing up, saying things that didn't make sense, etc. My kids 11 and 8 are alway scared when he gets that drunk because he's unpredictable. I tried to keep the kids out of the house as much as I could. The next day he of course was so sorry and swore he was done drinking. We have had a great couple of weeks and tonight he picked a fight with me so off he goes to the store. My poor kids are so distraught. They were really hoping he was done drinking this last time. And I get to be the one wiping their tears, hearing all their fears, trying to be the strong one and say all the right things. While he is in our garage drinking, listening to music and having himself a good ol' time. I am sick of it!! Tonight will be a blur to him but my kids will remember every detail. The sick feeling in their tummy, butterflies, all the tears, etc. Thank you for letting me vent. I feel like this is the only safe place I can come to where people understand this craziness.
jocelgp said
Oct 1, 2016
Hi Dlove,
I feel for you. When I first came here I heard it might help going to Al-anon meetings, literatures, speaker tapes etc. Read some more on this board so you will have a better idea of how it is to be living with alcoholism. Keep coming back!
(((Hugs)))
Jocel
Marcusjohn said
Oct 1, 2016
(hugs)I feel for you too,I feel for anyone who is effected by alcohol,and can most certainly relate to having to be the strong one,it's a emotional roller coaster having any sort of dealings with any alcoholic,I agree with Dlove reading posts on this board is really helpful.
hotrod said
Oct 1, 2016
((Dlove)) I can so identify with the starting of a fight and then storming out to drink because it was my fault.. I certainly believed it and tried desperately to not engage,and to use my "destructive tools" of making my needs invisible to keep the peace-- without success I did not know that any effort on my part was doomed to failure.
I found alanon when I was at my lowest and I am so happy that I did. You see alcoholism is a progressive, chronic , fatal disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested but never cured.This dreadful disease affects the entire family (as you have discovered) and that is why alanon was founded.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. It is here I found support from others who truly understood and new tools to help me to learn to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, to stop reacting to the insanity and to validate my needs without engaging in destructive arguments. There are also alateen meetings available for children and a great deal of helpful literature Please check them all out There is hope and help
Freetime said
Oct 1, 2016
Dlove, I hear what you are going through. I have felt similar. Although my children were older than yours when alcoholism started causing serious problems, we all were affected. As Betty has said, the Alanon and Alateen programs will be so helpful. Alanon helped me greatly, by showing me tools to live by and by learning that I was not alone. You and your kids can come out of this stronger! That is the bright side to this distressing situation.
tired of it said
Oct 1, 2016
Don't feel stupid for being hopeful and "falling for it" over and over. I have been with my AH for 7 years and I continue to "believe" him when he says he is done drinking or won't drink during the week, or won't drink just this particular night. And I continue to be disappointed when he drinks.
Calm Lady said
Oct 1, 2016
I found Al-anon helped me change my expectations to more realistic ones. Sorry you have this in your life.
Jerry F said
Oct 1, 2016
Aloha Dlove and compassion from Hilo yes the disease often sucks when it draws us and the alcoholic back into the insanity. What I learned and still practice is the principle of "one day at a time" which helps me live in the moment. I don't wander back into the past to get caught by resentments and stay out of the future to keep my expectations within the hour or minute only. I live with active alcoholism and drug addiction still...not in my house but close enough to where I keep ESH lessons at hand.
In program we live that One Day at a Time and use it to clarify sobriety. My alcoholic/Addict could smile her sobriety all she wanted however if and when she decided to drink and/or use again the reality was she wasn't and would not be in the near future if she wasn't working a program.
I go to a lot of AA meetings and the ones I go to have fellows who don't "talk" sober unless they have been walking it daily.
Keep coming back...disgust is a nasty, smelly, emotion. I hope you get over it soon ((((hugs))))
maryjane said
Oct 1, 2016
One of the things I have heard of that others do, and I tried to do it myself too, was to take the kids out of the atmosphere when it turns bad. One friend would take hers to an "impromptu" night out at a local motel that had an indoor pool so the kids could have a night of swimming and movies in bed.
Others take them to Mc Donalds for an hour or two and drink shakes.
Then, hopefully, when it is time to go back home, the tornado has moved on from the house.
Take care of yourself and the kids.
lookingup said
Oct 1, 2016
Thank you clove for your sharing,I've been right where your at also,fear of the a,disgusted at my a behavior ,I'm learning to use the tools of alanon and reaching out more instead of the old neg.ways of reaching inwards,you are reaching out by sharing here,keep coming back ,it works if we work it,so work it cause your worth it,your not alone....hugs lu
sunmustshine said
Oct 1, 2016
I've been where you are. Disgust is normal when you see what it is doing to the kids and you. I think disgust breaks down to anger and disappointment. You can use Alanon tools to get beyond those feelings to peace. I've made a boundary with my AH that he must not be present if he drinks. This make the adjustment his responsibility. The new problem is the kids miss him. That one sucks but seems less damaging to me. Take good care of yourself.
Dlove said
Oct 3, 2016
Thank you so much everyone! I have been going to Alanon now for a few months. All of it is so helpful. I don't know where I would have been otherwise. It is especially helpful that I am able to vent on here in the middle of the night to all of you right in the midst of the storm. It's so hard to see what the next step should be when I am in the middle of chaos. Such great advice and encouragement...Thank you!!
Iamhere said
Oct 3, 2016
It is very hard to realize that, "This too shall pass" when we are in the middle of chaos.....I believe it gets easier with time, practice but the program is certainly a sanity and life saver!!
hiraeth said
Oct 5, 2016
That's a lovely idea maryjane, about taking the kids somewhere fun!
Dlove I think you're a bit hard on yourself, sweet one. Lovingly detaching - do you have any idea how hard that is?!?!!! It goes against *everything* we have been conditioned to do all our lives AND it may go against human nature.... I'm not sure about that last one. It definitely goes against ego, which thinks it has to control to survive. That kind of loving detachment is more like our divine nature, it's what people aiming for enlightenment talk about and aim for. And when we're scared, hurt, pumped full of stress hormones, betrayed, lost and lonely, it's OK to accept and love ourselves through that. Loving detachment and surrender are holy states. Definitely not out of reach but please don't beat up on yourself during your practicing times! Some say that when everything has been ripped out from under you, it's a fertile time to grow and remember who you really are.
I don't know much so take it with a grain of salt but I have come to the conclusion that loving ourselves is the way to go. Loving ourselves when we 'fail', too - that's when we need and deserve it most. You deserve love. All that love will make it easier to align with loving detachment. We flourish with love. If the chips are down and your back's against the wall and you've been scorched out of your wits by alcoholism, you're getting chased back within to all you've got left: your own resources. That's what happened to me, anyway. I couldn't get what I needed from outside, and it took me a loooonnng time, but eventually I decided to stop worrying about what God hadn't given me and see what, if anything, He had. All I had left was myself. All my hiding spots and old identities were gone. I looked inside, and I looked hard, nose to the ground like a sniffer dog. I found some good stuff. I started figuring out the folly of abusing myself and how easy it actually is to be kind and gentle. But I had to be driven close to madness before I could do that, maybe you're a faster learner than I am. I hope so.
For what it's worth, your husband probably means it when he says he's done with drinking. I'd say he means it in that moment. Alcoholism hoodwinks him as much as it does you.
The roller coaster of having your hopes up is horrific. Let's acknowledge that. We're in a hurry to get rid of our pain and skip over it as though we shouldn't be feeling it, but that adds more pain to our experience. I found out that if I let myself feel pain, if I accept it, don't tell myself I'm doing something wrong by feeling it, if I talk soothingly to myself and give it space, then it moves on. My old tactics were self abuse and that made the pain drive itself deep into my muscles, only to come out later.
I feel for you. When I first came here I heard it might help going to Al-anon meetings, literatures, speaker tapes etc. Read some more on this board so you will have a better idea of how it is to be living with alcoholism. Keep coming back!
(((Hugs)))
Jocel
((Dlove)) I can so identify with the starting of a fight and then storming out to drink because it was my fault.
. I certainly believed it and tried desperately to not engage,and to use my "destructive tools" of making my needs invisible to keep the peace-- without success I did not know that any effort on my part was doomed to failure.
I found alanon when I was at my lowest and I am so happy that I did. You see alcoholism is a progressive, chronic , fatal disease over which we are powerless. It can be arrested but never cured.This dreadful disease affects the entire family (as you have discovered) and that is why alanon was founded.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. It is here I found support from others who truly understood and new tools to help me to learn to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, to stop reacting to the insanity and to validate my needs without engaging in destructive arguments. There are also alateen meetings available for children and a great deal of helpful literature Please check them all out There is hope and help
Dlove, I hear what you are going through. I have felt similar. Although my children were older than yours when alcoholism started causing serious problems, we all were affected. As Betty has said, the Alanon and Alateen programs will be so helpful. Alanon helped me greatly, by showing me tools to live by and by learning that I was not alone. You and your kids can come out of this stronger! That is the bright side to this distressing situation.
Don't feel stupid for being hopeful and "falling for it" over and over. I have been with my AH for 7 years and I continue to "believe" him when he says he is done drinking or won't drink during the week, or won't drink just this particular night. And I continue to be disappointed when he drinks.
Aloha Dlove and compassion from Hilo yes the disease often sucks when it draws us and the alcoholic back into the insanity. What I learned and still practice is the principle of "one day at a time" which helps me live in the moment. I don't wander back into the past to get caught by resentments and stay out of the future to keep my expectations within the hour or minute only. I live with active alcoholism and drug addiction still...not in my house but close enough to where I keep ESH lessons at hand.
In program we live that One Day at a Time and use it to clarify sobriety. My alcoholic/Addict could smile her sobriety all she wanted however if and when she decided to drink and/or use again the reality was she wasn't and would not be in the near future if she wasn't working a program.
I go to a lot of AA meetings and the ones I go to have fellows who don't "talk" sober unless they have been walking it daily.
Keep coming back...disgust is a nasty, smelly, emotion. I hope you get over it soon ((((hugs))))
Others take them to Mc Donalds for an hour or two and drink shakes.
Then, hopefully, when it is time to go back home, the tornado has moved on from the house.
Take care of yourself and the kids.
Dlove I think you're a bit hard on yourself, sweet one. Lovingly detaching - do you have any idea how hard that is?!?!!! It goes against *everything* we have been conditioned to do all our lives AND it may go against human nature.... I'm not sure about that last one. It definitely goes against ego, which thinks it has to control to survive. That kind of loving detachment is more like our divine nature, it's what people aiming for enlightenment talk about and aim for. And when we're scared, hurt, pumped full of stress hormones, betrayed, lost and lonely, it's OK to accept and love ourselves through that. Loving detachment and surrender are holy states. Definitely not out of reach but please don't beat up on yourself during your practicing times! Some say that when everything has been ripped out from under you, it's a fertile time to grow and remember who you really are.
I don't know much so take it with a grain of salt but I have come to the conclusion that loving ourselves is the way to go. Loving ourselves when we 'fail', too - that's when we need and deserve it most. You deserve love. All that love will make it easier to align with loving detachment. We flourish with love. If the chips are down and your back's against the wall and you've been scorched out of your wits by alcoholism, you're getting chased back within to all you've got left: your own resources. That's what happened to me, anyway. I couldn't get what I needed from outside, and it took me a loooonnng time, but eventually I decided to stop worrying about what God hadn't given me and see what, if anything, He had. All I had left was myself. All my hiding spots and old identities were gone. I looked inside, and I looked hard, nose to the ground like a sniffer dog. I found some good stuff. I started figuring out the folly of abusing myself and how easy it actually is to be kind and gentle. But I had to be driven close to madness before I could do that, maybe you're a faster learner than I am. I hope so.
For what it's worth, your husband probably means it when he says he's done with drinking. I'd say he means it in that moment. Alcoholism hoodwinks him as much as it does you.
The roller coaster of having your hopes up is horrific. Let's acknowledge that. We're in a hurry to get rid of our pain and skip over it as though we shouldn't be feeling it, but that adds more pain to our experience. I found out that if I let myself feel pain, if I accept it, don't tell myself I'm doing something wrong by feeling it, if I talk soothingly to myself and give it space, then it moves on. My old tactics were self abuse and that made the pain drive itself deep into my muscles, only to come out later.
Go gently ahead, gentle with yourself.