So Thursday or Friday has passed. Earlier were the days about my husband worrying about losing his drinking friends, how I left him by himself to seek medical attention (loosing all his front teeth, drunk accident - is that something he cannot do by himself?), about convincing me that there is nothing wrong with his drinking, that he drinks just like any other who would like to unwind... days of his never ending complaints of almost anything and everything. Then towards the weekend my husband told me he would like to spend his weekends with his mom or he would like to spend some time with his mom but he also asked me if he's welcomed to come back? He told me there is nothing wrong with spending time with parents, spending time to be by self to do some thinking. I said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, he is free to do whatever he thinks is best for himself, to go where he can find peace. But why ask if he is welcomed to come back? I know that there is something wrong there. So I said, I could not answer that now. Why is he asking for a guarantee? Nothing is wrong with him spending time with his mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending time with one's parents. BTW his mom lives only about an hour from our place including the traffic. Also his mom is not living alone. I have the hunch that there's more to it, there's a hidden agenda, and I have a hunch drinking is it. But it's not for me to pass judgement, the truth will reveal itself. So I just answer with it depends... on IDK, I cannot ascertain, it may be yes it may be no. Since his accident while drunk and the time we had a talk about the drinking problem in our life, it's been trying times for both of us. I understand that it's all coming from his desire to drink and not to lose his drinking buddies which he calls "friends". I have already told him that, for him to drink or not to drink is not for me to answer, it's all up to him, the consequences are for him to face. Perhaps he is afraid of the consequences, that is, the big possibility of us breaking up. Yes, I am opting that I will no longer live with his drinking. I value our marriage, I also see that he's not such a bad husband, I see the good in him, but I also value myself and I saw how alcohol has ruined my well-being. I know what I have been thru and in all honesty I've been doing a lot of changes in my thinking and behavior to restore whatever was broken in me. And I see that these changes have brought good to me. The decision or boundary as some will call it that I will no longer live with him once he starts drinking again is not an ultimatum or punishment to him, I am saying this in all honesty, I am doing this for myself and I'm ready to face consequences. I am not insisting for him not to drink, if he truly believes there is nothing wrong with his drinking then he's free to do as he pleases, I will respect that. But I also know what his drinking is doing to me, and that I will not allow the cycle to be repeated. I have no hatred for him, I can let go of him with all my love for him and for myself. I'm not asking him to be a martyr by not drinking because of me, the same way as I will not be a martyr by accepting his drinking.
My family, his family, friends and other relatives could not see this the way I do. As for my mother-in-law, she has been in denial that "alcoholism" is present in her family (her husband and 2 sons), and all she did was to enable all the alcoholics in their family. So now I am all by myself in my boundary? crossing bridges as I get there. I feel so by myself here, though I know I'm not really alone because there are others here who have worn similar shoes. I could not graphically tell them exactly what I've been thru, not yet, perhaps when circumstances will force me to reveal, I will. But for now it is best for me to leave them in the past. They all believe that because he is not a daily drinker there is nothing wrong with him, and that they are all pointing at me as the one creating a big issue over my husband's drinking. That by not living with it I am causing our marriage break-up and not living up to what marriage should be. I respect the decision of wives who would stay in an "alcoholic marriage" in the same way as I respect wives who opted not to stay in "alcoholic marriages". I understand where they are all coming from and I also know where I'm coming from... and I pray as I live one day at a time for God to prompt me if I'm wrong and lead and show the way.
hotrod said
Oct 1, 2016
Hello Jocelgp, I loved your processing and your ability to keep the focus on yourself, not blame or judge anyone else-- great use of program principles.
Your position sounds healthy and I can understand your reluctance to respond to his question about returning after his visit to his mom. Trusting your inner still small voice is important at this time.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
jocelgp said
Oct 1, 2016
Thanks Betty,
I'm truly grateful for all your responses to me. Truly you are sending positive thoughts, thank you for the prayers.
I have a question, I could not really comprehend what that "inner still small voice" is?
(((hugs)))
hotrod said
Oct 1, 2016
For me that is the small voice of HP gently guiding me to take an action or refrain from an action. It took time for me to hear the voice and more time for me to truly listen and act. You care dong great
jocelgp said
Oct 1, 2016
Thank you! I'll always remember to do that. In prayer and meditation, in my moments of silence, in the busy moments, as I tread one day at a time.
(((big hug))) truly grateful :)
Freetime said
Oct 1, 2016
Jocel, I love what you wrote about "I understand where they are all coming from and I also know where I'm coming from" ... seems to me that is a great approach to not worrying about what others think of us, while also having empathy for others. Sounds like your shoes are walking in the right direction!
Detached said
Oct 1, 2016
Hello, For the most part I could have written your post myself and I believe there is a tipping point where you grow and know that this lifestyle is not for you anymore.
I also applaud those who remain in relationships because it is the next best thing for them.
My in laws are the worst enablers I've ever met. One son is a dealer (prescriptions), only daughter has been in a coma twice and probably 15 rehabs, and my AH will take/drink anything to feed his addiction. And they continue to play the "not my kids/it's not that bad card". Detaching was the greatest gift I've been given in this program!
Every day I get to choose who I leave into my life and how I will react to those people. If only I found this sooner, but alas it's in my HP's timing.
I wish you continued strength to know what is right for you. Please don't ever think you're alone!
Iamhere said
Oct 1, 2016
(((Jocel))) - great processing and awareness. I believe the ability to 'see' things as they are is part of the small voice within too....one of the slogans I love - more will be revealed - happens within us, around us and beyond us. You are doing great - keep working on you and what you need/want. It's so worth it!
So Thursday or Friday has passed. Earlier were the days about my husband worrying about losing his drinking friends, how I left him by himself to seek medical attention (loosing all his front teeth, drunk accident - is that something he cannot do by himself?), about convincing me that there is nothing wrong with his drinking, that he drinks just like any other who would like to unwind... days of his never ending complaints of almost anything and everything. Then towards the weekend my husband told me he would like to spend his weekends with his mom or he would like to spend some time with his mom but he also asked me if he's welcomed to come back? He told me there is nothing wrong with spending time with parents, spending time to be by self to do some thinking. I said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, he is free to do whatever he thinks is best for himself, to go where he can find peace. But why ask if he is welcomed to come back? I know that there is something wrong there. So I said, I could not answer that now. Why is he asking for a guarantee? Nothing is wrong with him spending time with his mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending time with one's parents. BTW his mom lives only about an hour from our place including the traffic. Also his mom is not living alone. I have the hunch that there's more to it, there's a hidden agenda, and I have a hunch drinking is it. But it's not for me to pass judgement, the truth will reveal itself. So I just answer with it depends... on IDK, I cannot ascertain, it may be yes it may be no. Since his accident while drunk and the time we had a talk about the drinking problem in our life, it's been trying times for both of us. I understand that it's all coming from his desire to drink and not to lose his drinking buddies which he calls "friends". I have already told him that, for him to drink or not to drink is not for me to answer, it's all up to him, the consequences are for him to face. Perhaps he is afraid of the consequences, that is, the big possibility of us breaking up. Yes, I am opting that I will no longer live with his drinking. I value our marriage, I also see that he's not such a bad husband, I see the good in him, but I also value myself and I saw how alcohol has ruined my well-being. I know what I have been thru and in all honesty I've been doing a lot of changes in my thinking and behavior to restore whatever was broken in me. And I see that these changes have brought good to me. The decision or boundary as some will call it that I will no longer live with him once he starts drinking again is not an ultimatum or punishment to him, I am saying this in all honesty, I am doing this for myself and I'm ready to face consequences. I am not insisting for him not to drink, if he truly believes there is nothing wrong with his drinking then he's free to do as he pleases, I will respect that. But I also know what his drinking is doing to me, and that I will not allow the cycle to be repeated. I have no hatred for him, I can let go of him with all my love for him and for myself. I'm not asking him to be a martyr by not drinking because of me, the same way as I will not be a martyr by accepting his drinking.
My family, his family, friends and other relatives could not see this the way I do. As for my mother-in-law, she has been in denial that "alcoholism" is present in her family (her husband and 2 sons), and all she did was to enable all the alcoholics in their family. So now I am all by myself in my boundary? crossing bridges as I get there. I feel so by myself here, though I know I'm not really alone because there are others here who have worn similar shoes. I could not graphically tell them exactly what I've been thru, not yet, perhaps when circumstances will force me to reveal, I will. But for now it is best for me to leave them in the past. They all believe that because he is not a daily drinker there is nothing wrong with him, and that they are all pointing at me as the one creating a big issue over my husband's drinking. That by not living with it I am causing our marriage break-up and not living up to what marriage should be. I respect the decision of wives who would stay in an "alcoholic marriage" in the same way as I respect wives who opted not to stay in "alcoholic marriages". I understand where they are all coming from and I also know where I'm coming from... and I pray as I live one day at a time for God to prompt me if I'm wrong and lead and show the way.
Hello Jocelgp, I loved your processing and your ability to keep the focus on yourself, not blame or judge anyone else-- great use of program principles.
Your position sounds healthy and I can understand your reluctance to respond to his question about returning after his visit to his mom. Trusting your inner still small voice is important at this time.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
I'm truly grateful for all your responses to me. Truly you are sending positive thoughts, thank you for the prayers.
I have a question, I could not really comprehend what that "inner still small voice" is?
(((hugs)))
(((big hug))) truly grateful :)
Jocel, I love what you wrote about "I understand where they are all coming from and I also know where I'm coming from" ... seems to me that is a great approach to not worrying about what others think of us, while also having empathy for others. Sounds like your shoes are walking in the right direction!